can you mark my answer please

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meerkatking123
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#1
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#1
Hi guys can you please mark my work and give me some feedback and tips to improve.

Paper 2 question 5:



‘Parents today are over-protective. They should let their children take part in adventurous, even risky, activities to prepare them for later life.’

Write an article for a broadsheet newspaper in which you argue for or against this statement.


(24 marks for content and organisation 16 marks for technical accuracy) [40 marks]





My story:

"You cant do that, stop it, no you cant go to your friends house! These are the very nefarious words that spring into our ears when our parents tell us that were not allowed to do what we wanted. Picture this... a young, bright intelligent boy arrives from a mundane and horrendous day at school only to be met with his mother furious face bulging with anger as if she were about to release a barrage of fire on to him. She then tells him to go upstairs and study only for him to meet a daunting mountain of books mocking his existence.

Is this really it?

Is this really ideal for a young child? No!

We children seem to be a group of wild animals locked up in a cage only to thrive of nothingness. Our ideas and thoughts are imposed on us by an external authority...our very parents. They're like a barrier to our existence, not only do they not only do they prevent us from dong the activities that we want they, but they also force us to do miserable lack lustrous projects every single day. To that i say, ameliorate these ideas let us delve deep in to the magic chest of the world around us.

Let us take part in perilous and menacing activities: explore deep in mountains and unknown lands: go out and have the time of our live with our friends whenever we want to. But no! "Its too dangerous, its unsafe!" This very attitude prevents us from exploring our freedom ad leaves is restricted in our homes staring lifelessly at our books when really, the only thought we have spiraling around our expansive minds is exploration. Were not asking to be the next bear grills, we just want a few privileges. You might still be thinking that the world out there is enveloped with violence, anti social behavior and other social problems. You probably thinking that the world is dangerous: very dangerous. But the thing is life is merely fleeting: life will vanish from our grasp, we too will have to take up responsibilities and well only be able to dream about what could have happened rather than what actually did.

Still convinced?

The sheer amount of benefits that this brings is outstanding. A study was taken in 2012 where 2 groups were analyzed. The study showed that people who were interested in exploration were seen to have more life opportunities such as jobs and career paths compared to those that didn't. "Is that it?" is what tour probably wondering. No!. Letting us explore and be free also gives us a vivid idea of the burdensome responsibilities that you adults have to carry. It helps us to understand and prepare for late life when things get harder.

To finalize this statement, letting us be free by not being overprotective is a healthy balance for a young adults life. We can be free, learn about new things, explore new areas and last but bot least have the finest times of our lives. Now its your decision to decide.
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Ra_Ar
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#2
Report 1 year ago
#2
Hey
I can’t mark your answer, since I’m not a teacher (I’m a student myself), but I do have some feedback:

What you’ve done well:
- Good vocabulary - you’ve definitely included a range of selective vocab
- Rhetorical questions - you’ve included a few
- Ideas - you have some ideas running through your head, which are presented with nice imagery

To improve:
- This question asks for an article for a broadsheet newspaper - the language therefore should be more formal, and a reduced number of exclamation points. In addition, rhetorical questions are not always the best device to include, and should only be used perhaps once or twice, sparingly.
- Basic grammar/ punctuation - there’s a few apostrophes you’ve missed (eg, cant should be can’t) and capital letters you’ve put as lower case (Eg: i should be I). In addition, there are comma splices, meaning that in place of a full stop you’ve put a comma. Remember that when there are two main clauses, you separate them with a full stop (or a semicolon or colon, for better marks, but only do that 2 or 3 times). You have also used the wrong “its” in the last sentence: use “it’s”, but since your doing a broadsheet article, “it is” is better.
- “You” “ We” “I” - these are pronouns that’s not the best choice for broadsheets. Use passive voice instead. For example, this sentence: “You might still be thinking that the world out there is enveloped with violence, anti social behavior and other social problems.” could be changed as “It is true that this world is enveloped with violence, anti social behavior and other social problems.”
- “No!” - like I said, be formal. “No!” is informal, and probably isn’t the best for any of the question 5’s in a GCSE English paper. If it’s an answer to a question, then leave it rhetorical, otherwise, simply rephrase your words so that the “no!” answer isn’t necessary.

Practise these, and your writing should improve massively. You have great ideas in your writing that I envy, since I’m taking the GCSE English paper in 2 years time. I think the problem is how you present it - you need to be able to switch between formal and casual tones, and also need to be able to incorporate a few language devices properly. Practise basic grammar and punctuation, since you will get marked out of 8 for this. And remember, always proofread your work if you have time. Look for missing commas, apostrophes, full stops, or even the odd word that makes your sentence not make sense. Good luck!
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WeepingWillow15
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#3
Report 1 year ago
#3
hi i am a student in year 8 so i cant mark but ive done this for an assessment so is this good??Thursday 10th December 2020.L/O: To write an extended piece of writing.Year 8 Assessment Term 2:On Parents are over-protective. They should let their children take part in adventurous, risky activities to prepare them for life.This generation of adults are so over protective en over the smallest thing and quite frankly most of the children of this generation are sick of it!!!! We have had over 978 messages from young people saying ‘please do an article in your newspaper on how parents smother us’. Well today we are covering this subject. When we were young were are parents pouring over every single little thing we did, No they did not yet this generation think it is ok to give their children 0% of personal privacy. And we find it outrageous!! Think how we would have felt when we were kids if our parents treated us like this. We would have argued and pleaded for independence so why should we deprive our children of theirs?? Young people like meeting up with their mates and boyfriends and girlfriends to go to town or eat out etc. We liked doing the same things so why was it ok for us to do it but not for them?? Yes, we and they understand that the world is a lot different for how it was when you were young and that it is dangerous. However, people need to get out of the house and not just for school because even then they are cooped up. So even though we know it might be hard to let go because you would never forgive yourselves if something happened but we assure you it’s for the best. We are not saying don’t set some boundaries by all means do but children and teenagers need a balance of home school and personal lives.Social media is one of the most highly voted thing that causes parents to be over-protective when we asked our readers. So let’s discuss it shall we? Yes, all of us have read the horrific stuff online that has happened in the past. It is very unlikely for it to happen to our children as there are procedures in place to stop this.So please after reading this loosen the reigns a little bit. By Chloe Vilday.
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Charlie.123
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#4
Report 1 year ago
#4
(Original post by Ra_Ar)
Hey
I can’t mark your answer, since I’m not a teacher (I’m a student myself), but I do have some feedback:

What you’ve done well:
- Good vocabulary - you’ve definitely included a range of selective vocab
- Rhetorical questions - you’ve included a few
- Ideas - you have some ideas running through your head, which are presented with nice imagery

To improve:
- This question asks for an article for a broadsheet newspaper - the language therefore should be more formal, and a reduced number of exclamation points. In addition, rhetorical questions are not always the best device to include, and should only be used perhaps once or twice, sparingly.
- Basic grammar/ punctuation - there’s a few apostrophes you’ve missed (eg, cant should be can’t) and capital letters you’ve put as lower case (Eg: i should be I). In addition, there are comma splices, meaning that in place of a full stop you’ve put a comma. Remember that when there are two main clauses, you separate them with a full stop (or a semicolon or colon, for better marks, but only do that 2 or 3 times). You have also used the wrong “its” in the last sentence: use “it’s”, but since your doing a broadsheet article, “it is” is better.
- “You” “ We” “I” - these are pronouns that’s not the best choice for broadsheets. Use passive voice instead. For example, this sentence: “You might still be thinking that the world out there is enveloped with violence, anti social behavior and other social problems.” could be changed as “It is true that this world is enveloped with violence, anti social behavior and other social problems.”
- “No!” - like I said, be formal. “No!” is informal, and probably isn’t the best for any of the question 5’s in a GCSE English paper. If it’s an answer to a question, then leave it rhetorical, otherwise, simply rephrase your words so that the “no!” answer isn’t necessary.

Practise these, and your writing should improve massively. You have great ideas in your writing that I envy, since I’m taking the GCSE English paper in 2 years time. I think the problem is how you present it - you need to be able to switch between formal and casual tones, and also need to be able to incorporate a few language devices properly. Practise basic grammar and punctuation, since you will get marked out of 8 for this. And remember, always proofread your work if you have time. Look for missing commas, apostrophes, full stops, or even the odd word that makes your sentence not make sense. Good luck!
Hi, I agree with your marking and I’m a student as well. Is this Q5 from 2019 November resit?
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sonial31
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#5
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#5
you sure you are not a teacher?
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Ed828882
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#6
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#6
(Original post by sonial31)
you sure you are not a teacher?
I agree lol
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