Situation with my ex. Love, Sex and being "Just Friends" Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 10 years ago
#1
Anon please because I'd rather he doesn't see this, nor some other people who might stumble across it.
I split up with my ex a few months back, over something quite stupid on my behalf, but we still stayed in contact, well, more like we continued our relationship (stayed over at each other's houses, acted like a couple in public, called and texted every day and had sex)
However, lately it's become very strange. I can tell he's getting over me, which is weird in itself after having him besotted with me for nearly 2 years... quite a shock to the system I still have feelings for him, but he didn't want to get back together. I understand and appreciate his logic behind why (mainly because of us going to University next year and how he wasn't sure it would work) I'm not still in love with him, but he was my best friend. He has lots of friends, and they helped him get over me, whereas I have very few, and since breaking up I've been mostly sat by myself all day at home.
I saw him the other week, and it was almost heartbreaking. He was so cold and distant, he kept stating how I was going to be treated as "just a friend" but later on initiated sex. I got upset and told him how he's always cold towards me now, and then he only becomes who I knew when it comes down to sex. He's not a bad guy and I know he's not using me.
I just really don't know what to do. I was off with him the morning afterwards, and I'm planning on not contacting him, though it'll be hard as he'll get in touch with me.
Help please
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chr15chr15
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#2
Report 10 years ago
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o hes definitely using you, perhaps realising that will help you forget about him.
How about tell him that you want a break from him no contact for say 1 month and i guess that will tie in so that your off to uni. When you're at uni im sure you'll forget about him in a couple of weeks!
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kat2pult
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#3
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I think much of the issue is association. Ie, he knows a part of you for sex and thinks it's still readily available. I think you need to tell him what the deal is, and explain why you're cutting contact. This is so that he doesn't try contacting you to find out what's wrong, and it'll make it easier on you to not reply.

Good luck
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thunderstorm
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#4
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It sounds like he is trying to get over you and some way on the way to that. This sounds mean and horrid but you need to try and start distancing yourself from him too so that you can try and start getting over him. As you said you're going to university soon (do you mean next month or next year?) and believe me your life will change so much then and you'll meet loads of new people and can make great friends
It sounds very difficult right now to just switch off your feelings, but start by gradually trying not to respond to him when he calls you up right away, and try to busy yourself with other things.. even if its going out for a walk,wandering round town, playing a game, etc. I know its a lot easier said than done but you can do it!
If you start ignoring him he might realise he does want to be with you, but then he may just be wanting what he cant have. From what little you said it sounds as if the relationship probably won't last at university anyway so you may do yourself a small favour by trying to get over it now as it'll just hurt more the longer you drag it out- and on off relationships when you arent technically together just hurt in my experience- one of you ends up attached and the other isnt which is what seems to have happened to you guys.

Good luck sorry that wasnt at all helpful, I know how you feel however if thats any comfort
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 10 years ago
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To clear up a couple of questions;
We'll both be going to University in 2009.
I'm not in love with him anymore, and I don't want to be with him (I broke it off in the first place and we'd broken up before, I definately know we have no future)
However, he is the best friend I've ever had. He's always been there... I'm just finding it impossible to seperate what we had from what we have now. He tries to make it very clear, by being so cold towards me. But then he relents and acts like we're still together, then back to being almost mean.
I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I'm not sure how to be just friends with him.
Soon after we split I embarked upon a very swift romance with another guy (who was a friend of mine) unfortunately it turned out he was just using me, "I'm only doing this for my own selfish pleasure and satisfaction"... which kind of damaged my faith into entering something new. That guy then stopped speaking to me. I find it very difficult to maintain friendships with boys, they always want to take it further.
I just feel confused.
Sorry about all this ranting:no:
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darkeneddreams
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#6
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It sounds like your both using each other but as you haven't quite split up then its ****ing up your head. Sorry to be harsh but what else do you really think is going on? You can have it both ways if sex is involved or if your behaving like a couple any of the time, its silly.

As for finding it difficult maintaining friendships with boys, have you ever considered you might be giving off the wrong signals, which makes them think you want more..or you are just plainly attracting the wrong sort of attention, simply enough there are guys who want to be 'friends' but also want 'sex' .. I can see your point. But your underlying problem isn't quite as simple as you seem to be viewing it as.
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Nintendus
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#7
Report 10 years ago
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It seems to me that you really need to seperate yourself from him. Still *sort of* being with him - doing all sorts of things together like you're in a relationship - is clearly difficult for you to maintain at least. It's messing with your head and it will continue to do so. I suppose that will be a lot easier as well when you go to university.

"I find it very difficult to maintain friendships with boys, they always want to take it further."

As for this, I am not sure there is much advice. It is just an unfortunate consequence of making friends with boys I suppose.
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missfierce
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#8
Report 9 years ago
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Sweetie, you're not on your own.

I was almost in the EXACT same situation.

I managed to avoid it, but it's a very easy trap to fall into.

Firstly, it's obvious you're still in love with him. If you broke it off, he will be reluctant to start it up again cos his EGO is bruised. He is also very confused. He must have some feelings or at least attachment to you.

He isn't a bad guy, like everyone else says (I got the same sort of advice). Just not clear about his own feelings. So what you need to do, is show him a thing or two, and lay down the law.

1) Cut off the sex. Nothing will get the message clearer. If he can't be bothered to treat you properly, you will not indulge his whims and you will find someone else who willl.
2) Do not treat him sympathetically. Do not try to make him feel sorry for you.
3)Say sure, you want to be "just friends" cos you want to savour your independance. Then get out there and DO IT (savour your independance, not have sex, lol). Join a dance class, or something which makes you feel good & entertained. Make new friends.
4) When you meet him "as friends" treat him like you would treat your neighbour's thick 7-year-old son.

Not only will you get your pride back, your self confidence, etc. Also, he will come running back to you in time. It's like reverse psychology. Trust me. It might sound impossible, but it works.
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