Is it right to be angry with her? And is it right to feel the way I do?

So I told my cousin about my traumatizing ex-friend and that I've been having nightmares about him. She told me that she'll figure out how to make him pay and I told her I hope so and that I hope he hurts like he made me hurt and that I hope he fears me as I fear him. She then went on to lecture me about why revenge is bad and I got upset because I have every right to be angry with him! (In a nutshell, he used me for sexual gratification, forced me out of a relationship I was happy with, cheated on me, made me apologize for his behaviour, induced my panic attacks for fun, and then abandoned me.) I have every right to want him to hurt like I hurt! But she kept telling me that she just wanted to make him see the error of his ways. I told her that I tried. I told her that he doesn't care that he talks about how toxic he is, but doesn't change. I then told her to just go away since she clearly didn't care about my trauma. All she said was, "Fine. I only tried to help. Gn." and then left. I feel like she doesn't care about me. I feel very betrayed by her. I get so angry when I think or talk about it, I start shaking. She's apologized and said that she still cares, but I still feel so upset and betrayed and afraid that she too will abandon me. Is this right? Am I overreacting?

Reply 1

Pathway

Feelings can't be wrong or right, they're not facts in that sense. You're entitled to feel however you please, and it's valid, primarily because it's not something you have control over in that respect. You do have control on what you do with the emotion though. I don't think that "getting revenge" is going to be helpful really, mostly just prolongs things for people from what I've seen. Move on with your life and process what he put you through. Heal from what happened. You don't need to carry on engaging with toxic, abusive people. Speak to your GP, therapy could help a lot here. Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Pathway

I'm not still talking to him as I've blocked him on every platform I can think of. I don't have a GP as my parents haven't taken me to one yet. The reason I've taken everything so seriously is because I'm 12 years old and I was 11 when it all happened. I still don't know how to deal with all of this, and only recently realized how deeply traumatized I am. He took a part of me that I'll never get back, that's why I got so upset.

Reply 3

Pathway

Original post by Anonymous

You won't know how to deal with this because you're young, hell a lot of adults don't know how to deal with this stuff. It's OK to not know. Well done for blocking him. Speak to your parents (or any adult, older siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, etc. for that matter) and ask them to take you to your GP. This is truly awful, and I'm sorry you had to go through this. You need to speak to a professional about this to work through it.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Pathway

I have talked to my parents, they're going to try to take me to a GP, but I think my mom has been forgetting since she has a baby and a 2 year old to raise, which I fully understand

Reply 5

NonIndigenous

She is right though in a lot of ways. You will never fully move on with your life for as long as you dwell on revenge against another person. People do 'revenge' to make themselves feel empowered.

There are better and more constructive ways to make yourself feel that way. Think about the experiences you had with him, and what you would do differently the 2nd time, to prevent those things happening again. You can also help others who you encounter in the future and might be going through something similar.

In my opinion, 'revenge' (if you can even call it that in my example) only makes sense if it is used to actually stop someone doing something bad. It is not particularly useful, after the act has already been committed (usually).

You will get your 'revenge' if you ever come across another like him, and you will know how to handle them much better then based on your current experiences
_________________________

The only time I'd permit myself to exact 'revenge' on someone after they've already done whatever bad things they did, is if it was to make an example of that person. In front of people. So that others don't feel encouraged by seeing that person get away with what they did. I don't call it revenge though. It's more 'tactical' than that.

Otherwise I wouldn't bother because it's not worth the effort.

Reply 6

Pathway

Original post by Anonymous

I have talked to my parents, they're going to try to take me to a GP, but I think my mom has been forgetting since she has a baby and a 2 year old to raise, which I fully understand

Keep bringing it up. She is your child, she needs to make sure your needs are seen to as well.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by NonIndigenous

I understand what you're saying but that's not what I'm asking about. I got upset because she was the one that was talking about "making him pay" in the first place and then she got mad at me. I also got upset because it wasn't about getting revenge on him. I didn't even want the conversation to be about him. I just wanted a shoulder to cry on. To know that, even if she didn't know what it was like, she'd still be there.

Reply 8

NonIndigenous

Original post by Anonymous

Sorry. I skipped breakfast and my head wasn't working very well. I missed your main points because of it.

It sounds like perhaps she wanted to help, but didn't quite know how to. Then you both go frustrated with each other.

How long have you known her? And would you say she is more the type to:
a) offer a shoulder to cry on, or
b) offer 'practical' solutions to your problems?

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by NonIndigenous

It's alright! 4-5 years.

Now, I don't mean this in a bad way, but she kinda makes it about herself. She doesn't do it on purpose, I'm sure. I think she tries to use her personal experience to figure it out. However, sometimes she just doesn't acknowledge other people's problems because, according to her, it's just, "Too much to deal with." which I get, because she has her own problems. I came to her because it's late at night and she was the only close person I had who was awake at the time.

Reply 10

NonIndigenous

Original post by Anonymous

She sounds a little similar to myself to be honest. :/

I don't know what exactly to advise you. Apart from trying to help her understand, that the same way in which she could probably use others' help from time to time & it hurts when she doesn't get it, is what you're experiencing right now when she turns her back.

Is she very self-reliant? When it comes to solving her problems? This is more likely to be the case if she felt burnt in the past by people giving her the could shoulder when she needed their help. She might not even think about it anymore. I don't know though. I'm just thinking aloud.

You also don't sound 12 years old by the way, so much so that I find it a bit hard to believe. If it is true, then take it as a compliment, because you actually sound far more mature for your age. The point I'm getting at is perhaps... you're too mature for her? I'm not sure. Something for you to think about. Perhaps you need new / more friends who are at a similar level to you? But alternatively don't fall in the trap of thinking too highly of yourself either, or 'too good' for certain people because you're more mature than them, because that will probably loose you friends instead.