Friend cut me out of her life after becoming reliant on me

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Anonymous #1
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So, I've been friends with this girl for 4 years, and for probably about 2 of those, I would have considered her my best friend. She had undiagnosed depression until a year ago, and was heavily reliant on me, sometimes calling me for about 3 or 4 hours per day. It was really mentally draining, but she was my friend so I put up with it. Then she started being really rude to me and I found out it was because she had feelings for me. She knew I didn't like her back so she didn't tell me. I didn't speak to her for about a week after this (which I regret, but it was a lot to process), but we picked up as normal afterwards. She then got a boyfriend just before Christmas, who I met and had drinks with (alongside her, of course) and we were all fine until then, and she started therapy and got medication. Her boyfriend added me on Facebook and everything was fine, and she became increasingly less reliant on me, and seemed to be doing really well.

I messaged her a few weeks into lockdown as we kind of naturally drifted due to working in different places this year, too, and she said that she didn't want to speak to me because her therapist had told her not to. She then posted on social media about how her friends were unsupportive of her mental health and deleted me on Instagram. I kind of want to message her but I don't want to impact her mental health by doing so. However, I have no idea what I have done apart from that one week that I didn't speak to her. Maybe her feelings for me are unresolved? I just don't know what to do but it's made me feel like a terrible person as well. Part of me is angry and wants to block her on all remaining social media, but I'm hurt, too. Any advice would be welcome, although I don't know if I can 'just speak to her'.
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Hannah0505
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youre both better off without eachother tbf
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Hannah0505)
youre both better off without eachother tbf
I kind of understand where you are coming from, but to go from 100 to 0 has been quite hurtful, and I am someone who likes to understand why things happen.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So, I've been friends with this girl for 4 years, and for probably about 2 of those, I would have considered her my best friend. She had undiagnosed depression until a year ago, and was heavily reliant on me, sometimes calling me for about 3 or 4 hours per day. It was really mentally draining, but she was my friend so I put up with it. Then she started being really rude to me and I found out it was because she had feelings for me. She knew I didn't like her back so she didn't tell me. I didn't speak to her for about a week after this (which I regret, but it was a lot to process), but we picked up as normal afterwards. She then got a boyfriend just before Christmas, who I met and had drinks with (alongside her, of course) and we were all fine until then, and she started therapy and got medication. Her boyfriend added me on Facebook and everything was fine, and she became increasingly less reliant on me, and seemed to be doing really well.

I messaged her a few weeks into lockdown as we kind of naturally drifted due to working in different places this year, too, and she said that she didn't want to speak to me because her therapist had told her not to. She then posted on social media about how her friends were unsupportive of her mental health and deleted me on Instagram. I kind of want to message her but I don't want to impact her mental health by doing so. However, I have no idea what I have done apart from that one week that I didn't speak to her. Maybe her feelings for me are unresolved? I just don't know what to do but it's made me feel like a terrible person as well. Part of me is angry and wants to block her on all remaining social media, but I'm hurt, too. Any advice would be welcome, although I don't know if I can 'just speak to her'.
A friend of ours did it as well the cheeky **** and ****ing owed ****ing ******* money as well, stupid ****
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blackugo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So, I've been friends with this girl for 4 years, and for probably about 2 of those, I would have considered her my best friend. She had undiagnosed depression until a year ago, and was heavily reliant on me, sometimes calling me for about 3 or 4 hours per day. It was really mentally draining, but she was my friend so I put up with it. Then she started being really rude to me and I found out it was because she had feelings for me. She knew I didn't like her back so she didn't tell me. I didn't speak to her for about a week after this (which I regret, but it was a lot to process), but we picked up as normal afterwards. She then got a boyfriend just before Christmas, who I met and had drinks with (alongside her, of course) and we were all fine until then, and she started therapy and got medication. Her boyfriend added me on Facebook and everything was fine, and she became increasingly less reliant on me, and seemed to be doing really well.

I messaged her a few weeks into lockdown as we kind of naturally drifted due to working in different places this year, too, and she said that she didn't want to speak to me because her therapist had told her not to. She then posted on social media about how her friends were unsupportive of her mental health and deleted me on Instagram. I kind of want to message her but I don't want to impact her mental health by doing so. However, I have no idea what I have done apart from that one week that I didn't speak to her. Maybe her feelings for me are unresolved? I just don't know what to do but it's made me feel like a terrible person as well. Part of me is angry and wants to block her on all remaining social media, but I'm hurt, too. Any advice would be welcome, although I don't know if I can 'just speak to her'.
I wouldn't block her in anger. You'll probably regret that. Just be friendly you don't have to be best friends but you can still be supportive. Responding with anger isn't going to help anyone.
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blackugo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I kind of understand where you are coming from, but to go from 100 to 0 has been quite hurtful, and I am someone who likes to understand why things happen.
She probably doesn't know why herself.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by blackugo)
I wouldn't block her in anger. You'll probably regret that. Just be friendly you don't have to be best friends but you can still be supportive. Responding with anger isn't going to help anyone.
No, you're right, I wouldn't do that tbh, I was just really hurt. She literally isn't speaking to me any more so idk what to do.

(Original post by blackugo)
She probably doesn't know why herself.
Then what should I do?
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blackugo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
No, you're right, I wouldn't do that tbh, I was just really hurt. She literally isn't speaking to me any more so idk what to do.



Then what should I do?
I've had 2 similar situations actually and I just didn't do anything I continued to live my life. Had no ill will towards them and was kind. Things might heal overtime and she might get better over time but there is no rush. You have a life outside of one friend. And maybe she didn't want to be friends in the first place and that's the issue. If you don't have feelings for her and she wanted something more it might just not work out for a while.
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by Anonymous)
She had undiagnosed depression until a year ago, and was heavily reliant on me, sometimes calling me for about 3 or 4 hours per day.
Is your name Robin, by any chance?

On a more serious note, you were right not to develop feelings for her. Your friendship was very unbalanced. You gave her a lot more than she gave you.

She was a time vampire. Sucking all your spare time.

Think of all the productive things you can do with the 3 to 4 hours extra per day that you now have available... That is a huge silver lining to this cloud.
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Ackhnologia
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Hi there
Before answering
Op do you have feelings for her?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
Is your name Robin, by any chance?

On a more serious note, you were right not to develop feelings for her. Your friendship was very unbalanced. You gave her a lot more than she gave you.

She was a time vampire. Sucking all your spare time.

Think of all the productive things you can do with the 3 to 4 hours extra per day that you now have available... That is a huge silver lining to this cloud.
Lol. Thanks for your response. I really appreciate it. It's just a bit sh*tty as it's also made me feel like a terrible person and has affected my own mental health, but if I were to tell her that, she'd probably accuse me of playing the victim. But yeah, it has been weird having so much time, especially with in coinciding with lockdown.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Ackhnologia)
Hi there
Before answering
Op do you have feelings for her?
Definitely not. I'd often talk to her about someone I liked before I knew that she liked me, which probably made things worse (although I didn't know that).
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Ackhnologia
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Definitely not. I'd often talk to her about someone I liked before I knew that she liked me, which probably made things worse (although I didn't know that).
Okay got it
She might be a bit confused
I think maybe she has a bit of feelings for you even after being with someone else.
You know as she deals with mental health issues, you were the who helped her a bit. So she got a bit clingy.
Though I am a bit disappointed that she dared to say that nobody understand her, while she is the one who kicked you out of her life; you who were supposed to be her only one support
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Ackhnologia)
Okay got it
She might be a bit confused
I think maybe she has a bit of feelings for you even after being with someone else.
You know as she deals with mental health issues, you were the who helped her a bit. So she got a bit clingy.
Though I am a bit disappointed that she dared to say that nobody understand her, while she is the one who kicked you out of her life; you who were supposed to be her only one support
I think you're right. I just thought that the social media posting and removal was a bit over the top. When I messaged her to ask to talk she said it wasn't a good idea and made me feel like an awful person, when in reality, if I've done something to offend her, I just want to know what it is.
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YaliaV
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The whole relationship was deeply unhealthy and it’s better if you both move on.
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builderxyz
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Yup^ Things can get worse if you stay with them. Just try and politely end it because in the end it's good for both of you
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greyshoesunite
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Hi OP - just came across this post a while ago and was debating whether I should answer or not, because it hit close to home. As someone who's been in the same position as your friend once or twice, I figured I should add my opinion too.

When I was in a bad place a year ago, I had this friend. She was supportive and kind, and understood what I was going through, and would be with me every step of the way. I became too over-reliant on her: would constantly hang on to her throughout the day, keep messaging her, talking to her, keep a close eye on her when she'd talk to her other friends and whatnot. Looking back now, I feel like a total creep, but I was in a bad place. I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression, and wasn't able to cope with the influx of new, unfamiliar feelings of being loved.

When you've told yourself that you're worthless for a long enough time, and when someone else comes along and tells you that you're loved, and your stupid anxious brain doesn't detect a lie in the statement, it's...very complicated.

My anxiety got the better of me. It would keep telling me that I wasn't enough, that she'd soon leave me because I was too clingy, and that she deserved better than me. It wasn't her fault, mind you. She didn't do or say anything that would lead me to feel bad. It was just my mental health that was in a bad place.

Eventually, the thoughts got worse, and it started creeping into my real-life interactions with her, and every time I talked, it was like a searing brand that left me reeling for hours later. I overanalysed every aspect of our talks, and eventually the brief happiness our conversations brought me was fleeting, soon replaced by thoughts of self-deprecation at myself for being pitiful and not being able to be a good friend, and that she deserved better than an anxious, depressed non-entity.

I decided to cut her off because the constant pain that my mind gave me whenever I talked to her was overwhelming. I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped and cut her off. I don't know if I regret it, or if I'm happy about that. It's a bit of both in the end. If I had continued being her friend, it would have probably devastated me from the inside out. She was a great friend, so I do regret losing a person who genuinely loved me.

My guess is that your friend could be going through something similar too, but maybe she's shifting blame onto you for making her feel terrible and not supporting her.

I'm not saying you should take her back, or block her, or hate her entirely. I'm just stating my side of the issue, and since I don't have all the facts I can't advice you to do anything. What she's doing or saying right now might not be her talking, it could be her mental health. I'm not justifying her actions, just proposing a cause for them.
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Ackhnologia
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think you're right. I just thought that the social media posting and removal was a bit over the top. When I messaged her to ask to talk she said it wasn't a good idea and made me feel like an awful person, when in reality, if I've done something to offend her, I just want to know what it is.
Yeah
Read greyshoesunite
I think you will get the point about her behaviour and perhaps it will take a decision about you and her
Unfortunately this is the experience that depressed and anxious persons deal with...
Some will find it awkward, foolish, weird, nonsense
But this is how they are wired unfortunately
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