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Not having a girlfriend depressing me
I am suffering from a bad case of the old "Unrequited Love" problem. While at uni I had strong feelings for a girl, who was taken, and to say the least I didn't get the girl (obviously I wouldn't as she was in a secure relationship), and I had the whole "Attitude Problem" issue to handle - which I didn't.
I never got closure from this because conveniently I haven't liked another girl in the same way ever since, and only thought I liked another girl in the same way when my brain has tricked me, or I wanted to believe I did. So I'm still stuck in the same period as back then, while everyone has moved forward by having a girlfriend, splitting up, getting a new one, etc...
Of course, being 22, I want a girlfriend because I have been single and it is boring. No partner to satisfy or who will buy me presents, no utmost respect just between 2 people, etc. Being single is only fun when you have had a relationship and can now enjoy some freedom and options in the whole dating thing. This is not the case for me when I'm not coming from that angle.
This all causes an onset of depression because not having a gf sets a bad precent for my adult, working life All my mates have partners and one of my friends even asked if I have a girlfriend, to which I said no, he said you should have one, I said I know.
To make things even worse, I don't see going to clubs/raves as something which fits in with me, and this is a good way to actually do something about not having a girlfriend. So what else can I do?
I've been to raves, but for various reasons, I just didn't enjoy it. And given the competition, I wouldn't succeed (there'd be someone with better looks, more muscles, etc. Hell my cousin has all that and a nice car, but no education. He has a girlfriend).
It seems like I have been permenantly set a bad precedent for my life, partly due to my health problems, which lead to recurring sports injuries with rare causes, wide feet (a pain in the ass) and other bottlenecks. Some would claim I am misunderstood, but I would say I am estranged. What makes me laugh is my mum thinks that just because I haven't had a girlfriend or told her of all the negative dramas I have had at university, that I don't want one. My mum would also say that you don't need a girlfriend when your parents
love you, but that is rubbish. Having a relationship provides so much fulfillment. What my parents think couldn't be further from the truth. And when I'm in a bad mood due to an unrelated matter, my dad asks hows my girlfriend, which makes things worse...
My confidence is fine, and it's good enough to let me achieve and follow through on anything I want but this doesn't mean that not having a girlfriend doesn't get me down, because it does. I'm not needy. And some say if you look for a girlfriend, you won't get one. So what do I do then? Sit on my ass all day? I go out, rarely meet girls, but as hard as it is, I don't let this issue dominate my head. It's hard not to think about this if anyone is getting together and mentioning the damn issue. Just like being asked why I
don't have a girlfriend, as if it is some sort of sin - oh wait, it is. So many girls ask me why I don't have one, as if I'm some sort of millionaire with loads of muscles and good looks, but those girls wouldn't even consider being with me. Of course, having money would solve all this and I could have had that, if I made a few different decisions. What really annoys me is that some people have money and all the material things, others love, and one person I know has both, while I have nothing! Not having a girlfriend has also
harmed my social life becaus nobody would talk to someone without the EXPERIENCE, and not having a girlfriend has also meant I couldn't go to the uni graduation ball. No, I won't go with just a mate who happens to be a girl. It happens, but it would raise more questions and make me feel even more awkward... If that is at all possible??!
Some would say I should enjoy what I have, and stop thinking about what I don't have, but plenty of people have more than me, and when I am rapidly working to achieving everything I want (a long journey, mind) but this area of my life stays completely still, you wonder. Of all my close girl mates, I have either prohibitively liked them (one, who was taken) or they're just working like me so phone calls and constant communication is a rare event. These are my really close mates. Next step up is a girlfriend...
People say relationships are hard work, and yes I agree, after all my mum and dad have their downs and I have seen my mates argue with their partners. BUT being single at 22 and remaining happy and not jealous of others is bloody hard, too. All my mates who I thought would struggle just as much as me to succeed in this area now have a long term relationship which only hurts my confidence, even more so when they talk about their fruitful relationship so I'm in a boat on my own.
So to sum up: I have all sorts of mental and physical issues which make having a girlfriend prohibitive, and the main things I can do to actually get one just don't agree with me. PS I've read the other threads about this.
I never got closure from this because conveniently I haven't liked another girl in the same way ever since, and only thought I liked another girl in the same way when my brain has tricked me, or I wanted to believe I did. So I'm still stuck in the same period as back then, while everyone has moved forward by having a girlfriend, splitting up, getting a new one, etc...
Of course, being 22, I want a girlfriend because I have been single and it is boring. No partner to satisfy or who will buy me presents, no utmost respect just between 2 people, etc. Being single is only fun when you have had a relationship and can now enjoy some freedom and options in the whole dating thing. This is not the case for me when I'm not coming from that angle.
This all causes an onset of depression because not having a gf sets a bad precent for my adult, working life All my mates have partners and one of my friends even asked if I have a girlfriend, to which I said no, he said you should have one, I said I know.
To make things even worse, I don't see going to clubs/raves as something which fits in with me, and this is a good way to actually do something about not having a girlfriend. So what else can I do?
I've been to raves, but for various reasons, I just didn't enjoy it. And given the competition, I wouldn't succeed (there'd be someone with better looks, more muscles, etc. Hell my cousin has all that and a nice car, but no education. He has a girlfriend).It seems like I have been permenantly set a bad precedent for my life, partly due to my health problems, which lead to recurring sports injuries with rare causes, wide feet (a pain in the ass) and other bottlenecks. Some would claim I am misunderstood, but I would say I am estranged. What makes me laugh is my mum thinks that just because I haven't had a girlfriend or told her of all the negative dramas I have had at university, that I don't want one. My mum would also say that you don't need a girlfriend when your parents
love you, but that is rubbish. Having a relationship provides so much fulfillment. What my parents think couldn't be further from the truth. And when I'm in a bad mood due to an unrelated matter, my dad asks hows my girlfriend, which makes things worse...
My confidence is fine, and it's good enough to let me achieve and follow through on anything I want but this doesn't mean that not having a girlfriend doesn't get me down, because it does. I'm not needy. And some say if you look for a girlfriend, you won't get one. So what do I do then? Sit on my ass all day? I go out, rarely meet girls, but as hard as it is, I don't let this issue dominate my head. It's hard not to think about this if anyone is getting together and mentioning the damn issue. Just like being asked why I
don't have a girlfriend, as if it is some sort of sin - oh wait, it is. So many girls ask me why I don't have one, as if I'm some sort of millionaire with loads of muscles and good looks, but those girls wouldn't even consider being with me. Of course, having money would solve all this and I could have had that, if I made a few different decisions. What really annoys me is that some people have money and all the material things, others love, and one person I know has both, while I have nothing! Not having a girlfriend has also
harmed my social life becaus nobody would talk to someone without the EXPERIENCE, and not having a girlfriend has also meant I couldn't go to the uni graduation ball. No, I won't go with just a mate who happens to be a girl. It happens, but it would raise more questions and make me feel even more awkward... If that is at all possible??!
Some would say I should enjoy what I have, and stop thinking about what I don't have, but plenty of people have more than me, and when I am rapidly working to achieving everything I want (a long journey, mind) but this area of my life stays completely still, you wonder. Of all my close girl mates, I have either prohibitively liked them (one, who was taken) or they're just working like me so phone calls and constant communication is a rare event. These are my really close mates. Next step up is a girlfriend...
People say relationships are hard work, and yes I agree, after all my mum and dad have their downs and I have seen my mates argue with their partners. BUT being single at 22 and remaining happy and not jealous of others is bloody hard, too. All my mates who I thought would struggle just as much as me to succeed in this area now have a long term relationship which only hurts my confidence, even more so when they talk about their fruitful relationship so I'm in a boat on my own.
So to sum up: I have all sorts of mental and physical issues which make having a girlfriend prohibitive, and the main things I can do to actually get one just don't agree with me.
PS I've read the other threads about this.Scroll to see replies
I thought i wud reply becoz no one else has so far...
well firstly its not the end of the world.
Dont place your happiness or success on one area of your life. Girls always do this and its stupid..dnt judge how your life is by the prescence of a gud relationship!
But nevertheless i get wat ya mean...having a relationship is nice and not having one does get annoying but just get on with life..bt try 2 be proactive...and your sports injuries? they r that bad they stop u from gettin a girlfriend?!
dont sit on your ass... get up meet girls... how else would you get one... make an effort..atleast you have tried...bt juys dnt get down about it lol
if all else fails join match.com
well firstly its not the end of the world.
Dont place your happiness or success on one area of your life. Girls always do this and its stupid..dnt judge how your life is by the prescence of a gud relationship!
But nevertheless i get wat ya mean...having a relationship is nice and not having one does get annoying but just get on with life..bt try 2 be proactive...and your sports injuries? they r that bad they stop u from gettin a girlfriend?!
dont sit on your ass... get up meet girls... how else would you get one... make an effort..atleast you have tried...bt juys dnt get down about it lol
if all else fails join match.com
Sadie*Babie
I thought i wud reply becoz no one else has so far...
well firstly its not the end of the world.
Dont place your happiness or success on one area of your life. Girls always do this and its stupid..dnt judge how your life is by the prescence of a gud relationship!
But nevertheless i get wat ya mean...having a relationship is nice and not having one does get annoying but just get on with life..bt try 2 be proactive...and your sports injuries? they r that bad they stop u from gettin a girlfriend?!
dont sit on your ass... get up meet girls... how else would you get one... make an effort..atleast you have tried...bt juys dnt get down about it lol
if all else fails join match.com
well firstly its not the end of the world.
Dont place your happiness or success on one area of your life. Girls always do this and its stupid..dnt judge how your life is by the prescence of a gud relationship!
But nevertheless i get wat ya mean...having a relationship is nice and not having one does get annoying but just get on with life..bt try 2 be proactive...and your sports injuries? they r that bad they stop u from gettin a girlfriend?!
dont sit on your ass... get up meet girls... how else would you get one... make an effort..atleast you have tried...bt juys dnt get down about it lol
if all else fails join match.com
Thing is, I do everything else and I'm ok at all of that. E.g. I keep busy practising my career orientated skills, which happen to be my main and really one true hobby, which I can practise anywhere. Doing that keeps my mind off the girlfriend issue.
The sports injuries just make it seem I am well disadvantaged to all the other boys/competition and don't put me in the right frame of mind when looking for girls. Doing what I enjoy takes my mind off the issue to an extent, and I do go out and talk to girls, but not all the time, and I have to make my brain work damn hard to not let this issue be at the front of my mind when actually talking to girls, because if it is, then I'd let that distort any potential friendship. And that's all that happens when I actually go out and meet girls - make friends, as they're taken etc. I've got a few very good close girl mates, but it's just a shame they are away travelling the world/working ridiculous hours, etc.
I feel for you mate. Try getting hold of a copy of Seduction Science by Derek Vitalio if you can - it worked for me. In fact, PM me.
fair enough...
i no this sounds hard... but u GOTTA put it to the back of your mind otherwise as you said it will affect everything. dont feel disadvantaged!!
this really isnt going to help and dont think I am trying to apply it to you... but i always see really ugly people in relationships... which really horribly reassures me that even ugly people can find love and have happy relationships... i know thinking such things cant be good for my karma...bt it is strangley reassuring!
just dont measuer yourself against anyone and try to keep your mind on your hobby!
i no this sounds hard... but u GOTTA put it to the back of your mind otherwise as you said it will affect everything. dont feel disadvantaged!!
this really isnt going to help and dont think I am trying to apply it to you... but i always see really ugly people in relationships... which really horribly reassures me that even ugly people can find love and have happy relationships
... i know thinking such things cant be good for my karma...bt it is strangley reassuring!just dont measuer yourself against anyone and try to keep your mind on your hobby!
Anonymous
Being single is only fun when you have had a relationship and can now enjoy some freedom and options in the whole dating thing. This is not the case for me when I'm not coming from that angle.
Being single is only fun when you have had a relationship and can now enjoy some freedom and options in the whole dating thing. This is not the case for me when I'm not coming from that angle.
too true
btw OP, your not the only one who feels like this! so dont feel like your different from everyone in some way.
It is true I am not the only one who feels like this. But in my circle of friends, I likely am.
As for not being different, fact is I am. The injuries bit and related things mean I'm permenantly not able to do things like play football etc, but then I am sure there are people with partners who can't do certain things which I can, whether due to injury, luck, or the choices that person made in life.
To top that off, one girl I know always says I'm different and not like other boys, one reason being because I analyse a lot. But then without the experience, this is the only tool I have - or problem, if misused.
Conveniently, that girl goes to my uni, I met over the uni intranet, was supposed to meet up, play pool together, but thanks to luck (when she was able to meet up, she had a group meeting), or my naivety (being shy when some focus group was being filmed, or going to a lecture or dissertation meeting, which wasn't critical and when I was doing fine), nothing happened. At the was my best chance to have a really close mate, given how we "HELPED" each other with things.
Now that she too has finished uni (1 year younger than me), I see her on msn ocassionally but have nothing to lose when I talk to her.
As for clubs, I am looking for relevant clubs to join. Time to get some new, fresh mates.
At times I link a mate up, who happens to be a man (usually any one of my male mates) and everytime I am with him I hate it because I think I should be doing this (with one person) with a girl of my age.
As for not being different, fact is I am. The injuries bit and related things mean I'm permenantly not able to do things like play football etc, but then I am sure there are people with partners who can't do certain things which I can, whether due to injury, luck, or the choices that person made in life.
To top that off, one girl I know always says I'm different and not like other boys, one reason being because I analyse a lot. But then without the experience, this is the only tool I have - or problem, if misused.
Conveniently, that girl goes to my uni, I met over the uni intranet, was supposed to meet up, play pool together, but thanks to luck (when she was able to meet up, she had a group meeting), or my naivety (being shy when some focus group was being filmed, or going to a lecture or dissertation meeting, which wasn't critical and when I was doing fine), nothing happened. At the was my best chance to have a really close mate, given how we "HELPED" each other with things.
Now that she too has finished uni (1 year younger than me), I see her on msn ocassionally but have nothing to lose when I talk to her.
As for clubs, I am looking for relevant clubs to join. Time to get some new, fresh mates.
At times I link a mate up, who happens to be a man (usually any one of my male mates) and everytime I am with him I hate it because I think I should be doing this (with one person) with a girl of my age.
All of this sucks any time of the year, but valentines day is the worst. I just don't mention or say anything during that period/its run-up.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Do-You-Really-Need-A-Girlfriend?&id=478095 An article for me, lol.
What really annoys me is that on soaps (ok its soaps) I see nice girls go out with boys who are nothing but trouble (I'm well aware nice guys finish last - fortunately that isn't my problem as it would be frustrating), and the same thing happens in real life. With the girl I mention in my previous post, I know her boyfriend and he was, is and always will be a ****. The girl is good, and not like the majority of other girls I know (users). Just a shame my efforts to have a real, physical friendship were not reciprocated. The girl I describe complains to me and finds a boy like that, yet she has plenty of experience to avoid this. Yet anyone with a real personality is left behind...
And with regards to the unrequited love with the girl in my first year of uni who was/is taken, I was innocent and normal mates with her - not distant, not close, but out of the blue for no reason I miss her when she goes on holiday for two weeks and then really begin to have strong feelings for her when she returns. All while I was just standard mates with her - no hidden agenda, nothing.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Do-You-Really-Need-A-Girlfriend?&id=478095 An article for me, lol.
What really annoys me is that on soaps (ok its soaps) I see nice girls go out with boys who are nothing but trouble (I'm well aware nice guys finish last - fortunately that isn't my problem as it would be frustrating), and the same thing happens in real life. With the girl I mention in my previous post, I know her boyfriend and he was, is and always will be a ****. The girl is good, and not like the majority of other girls I know (users). Just a shame my efforts to have a real, physical friendship were not reciprocated. The girl I describe complains to me and finds a boy like that, yet she has plenty of experience to avoid this. Yet anyone with a real personality is left behind...
And with regards to the unrequited love with the girl in my first year of uni who was/is taken, I was innocent and normal mates with her - not distant, not close, but out of the blue for no reason I miss her when she goes on holiday for two weeks and then really begin to have strong feelings for her when she returns.
All while I was just standard mates with her - no hidden agenda, nothing.If I don't get a girlfriend within the next few years then I will have no choice (not pressurised into anything by parents etc) but to get an arranged marriage to some random girl who is a stranger, and that whole process would feel even worse than what I feel now and when I actually really date a girl or, wait for it, have a serious relationship with a girl!
I don't want to ever put pressure on myself, but as much as I don't want it to, the facts and feelings in the above paragraph and, well, in this whole thread, do put pressure on me. All pressure is put on by myself, and I know it's not healthy.
I don't want to ever put pressure on myself, but as much as I don't want it to, the facts and feelings in the above paragraph and, well, in this whole thread, do put pressure on me. All pressure is put on by myself, and I know it's not healthy.
Bumping this thread (and I don't agree with arranged marriages).
Why do you feel you have to get a girlfriend within a few years or resort to an arranged marriage?!
Surely being married to someone you aren't compatible is far worse than just admitting you haven't met the right girl yet.
I think you are just slightly (!!) over analysing things and you gotta try and calm down a bit. You're only 22, there's no rule that says you have to be in some mega serious relationship or even a relationship at all.
What has made you feel so concerned about this?
Surely being married to someone you aren't compatible is far worse than just admitting you haven't met the right girl yet.
I think you are just slightly (!!) over analysing things and you gotta try and calm down a bit. You're only 22, there's no rule that says you have to be in some mega serious relationship or even a relationship at all.
What has made you feel so concerned about this?
thunderstorm
Why do you feel you have to get a girlfriend within a few years or resort to an arranged marriage?!
Surely being married to someone you aren't compatible is far worse than just admitting you haven't met the right girl yet.
I think you are just slightly (!!) over analysing things and you gotta try and calm down a bit. You're only 22, there's no rule that says you have to be in some mega serious relationship or even a relationship at all.
What has made you feel so concerned about this?
Surely being married to someone you aren't compatible is far worse than just admitting you haven't met the right girl yet.
I think you are just slightly (!!) over analysing things and you gotta try and calm down a bit. You're only 22, there's no rule that says you have to be in some mega serious relationship or even a relationship at all.
What has made you feel so concerned about this?
Yeah, saying straight up I have no girlfriend or never had one is better than being in an arranged marriage. But I need to experience these things, and if I don't have a girlfriend then the arranged marriage is the only way to go really.
It seems like I am missing out on a major area of life. I know that's not entirely true (maybe to a small extent), but it just feels like that. In the article I provided a link to, a few posts ago, it says that you should be happy with what you have and not feel you NEED a girlfriend because you lack something. I feel I lack the things which I am really passionate about, which are materialistic - cars, and so forth. That is either "love", good health or something materialistic can bring me happy. I know my health isn't perfect, but it's pretty good. Other people having good health and getting what they want won't make me happy a lot, because I will be in the same position.
So I want a girlfriend because I am not feeling fulfilled with what I do have, when really it should just be an addition to what I do have making me completely happy. I don't have the type of car I want but I am also too young to have that and I have to save up. Compared to getting a girlfriend, getting these things seem a lot easier and having a job now, I'm in the right path with regards to that. The honest feeling is I just don't feel satisfied with what I have.
Also, I've been to a lot of weddings recently and that also makes me want a girlfriend more (seeing the bridge/groom so happy, and also other people of my age with partners). I constantly hear I should have a girlfriend at my age, and one girl who I'm good mates (that is all) with once said every 5 minutes in the phonecalls I made to her everyday, that she is very shocked someone "like me" doesn't have a girlfriend (I phone her on Monday, she says this every 5 minutes in an hour long phone call, and likewise for Tuesday, Wednesday, and every other daily or any period phone call).
It makes me wonder. Either I could be in a relationship and get what I want, but also feel the stress of making it work from a position of no experience, or just want one and try to do something about it (but not too elaborate). I know which situation I'd rather face.
dont worry bout it pal. chin up. look on the bright side, u mite be gay
Kinda similar situation to you, sucks doesn't it? Except I don't whine about it so much. I mean sure, venting is healthy but that is a big wall of text back there. I read most of it but after a while I started to get the gist of the problem.
First of all, you can bet that if many more people answer this thread you are going to get a lot more, 'it happens when you don't look for it' and bull **** like that. This is utter crap. If you want a job do you sit at home waiting for an employer to call offering you work and get depressed three months later when you're still unemployed? No! You go out, check out the market, send out CV's etc etc.
I'm very guilty of not taking my own advice, haven't had a girlfriend in years. But when was the last time I asked a girl out? Years ago! So I have no right to complain! And because you're not trying neither do you! You don't deserve any sympathy, yeah I know there are people way worse than you who have relationships yadda yadda. There are people who luck into love and it's all just not fair bla bla bla, right? Tough ****. Really, YOU have to make the effort here to change something. Didn't someone mention a seduction book? Look into stuff like that. All you are going to get here is maybe you might feel slightly better when people say, 'dude! I know what you're going through, you're not alone!' And that's about it.
A few years ago when I was seventeen yeah I might of bitched about this like you are now. I learned that it really isn't going to solve anything. You have to make active changes if you want to improve this area of your life. Look into PUA, dating seminars, maybe even bootcamps if you're that hopeless. Try Real Social Dynamics and there are all sorts of books that help. I've read about guys who do the 30 day challenge where every day for a month they approach a random girl they find attractive and attempt to get a date. How often do you come on a forum only to read about someone who asks girls out all the time, makes loads of effort to perfect his people skills but is all depressed about being alone. You don't, do you. So do something about it.
Something to think about.
First of all, you can bet that if many more people answer this thread you are going to get a lot more, 'it happens when you don't look for it' and bull **** like that. This is utter crap. If you want a job do you sit at home waiting for an employer to call offering you work and get depressed three months later when you're still unemployed? No! You go out, check out the market, send out CV's etc etc.
I'm very guilty of not taking my own advice, haven't had a girlfriend in years. But when was the last time I asked a girl out? Years ago! So I have no right to complain! And because you're not trying neither do you! You don't deserve any sympathy, yeah I know there are people way worse than you who have relationships yadda yadda. There are people who luck into love and it's all just not fair bla bla bla, right? Tough ****. Really, YOU have to make the effort here to change something. Didn't someone mention a seduction book? Look into stuff like that. All you are going to get here is maybe you might feel slightly better when people say, 'dude! I know what you're going through, you're not alone!' And that's about it.
A few years ago when I was seventeen yeah I might of bitched about this like you are now. I learned that it really isn't going to solve anything. You have to make active changes if you want to improve this area of your life. Look into PUA, dating seminars, maybe even bootcamps if you're that hopeless. Try Real Social Dynamics and there are all sorts of books that help. I've read about guys who do the 30 day challenge where every day for a month they approach a random girl they find attractive and attempt to get a date. How often do you come on a forum only to read about someone who asks girls out all the time, makes loads of effort to perfect his people skills but is all depressed about being alone. You don't, do you. So do something about it.
Something to think about.
With regards to the "don't look for a girlfriend and you'll get one" idea, I too think that is bs. One can only get what he or she wants by actually working for it. I won't get a house, or a car, without first working to saving up for a deposit or putting practise and effort in on the driving test to begin with. I haven't looked for a girlfriend before, and I didn't get one, nor did I actually like or think of any girl highly enough to have some sort of strong enough interest to date them.
I do go out and "look" for a girlfriend, but it is wrong to look for a girlfriend. It makes it seem as if I just want one for the hell of it. But then again, sometimes to get something you have to do things which my not seem right to you, and I hardly have a ethical reason for wanting a girlfriend.
Truth is, I want one and not having it makes me feel like I have to live in hell.
I am reading that suggested book now. I am doing things about this PLIGHT but I am not being so elaborate about it. I may be desperate, but I can control myself (thank God).
I do go out and "look" for a girlfriend, but it is wrong to look for a girlfriend. It makes it seem as if I just want one for the hell of it. But then again, sometimes to get something you have to do things which my not seem right to you, and I hardly have a ethical reason for wanting a girlfriend.
Truth is, I want one and not having it makes me feel like I have to live in hell.
I am reading that suggested book now. I am doing things about this PLIGHT but I am not being so elaborate about it. I may be desperate, but I can control myself (thank God).
Adhsur
Lots of girls would be thrilled to find a guy who's this inexperienced but at the same time this keen to be so committed to a girl. I don't have any advice on how to meet girls but this thought alone should give you a little more confidence for now.
YHPM (and I'm not trying to chat you up! lol).
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(Serious) How do I get rid of weird feelings with my boobs and femininity?Last reply 1 month ago
For those of you who have younger cousins or nieces and nephews why do you do this?Fitness
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Last reply 1 month ago
People who claim to wash in 5mins aren’t showering properlyLast reply 1 month ago
2024 has been a horrible year for me overall and I just wanted your thoughtsLast reply 2 months ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.
