Parents arguing is disrupting my studies

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Hi,

My parents have always argued. When dad gets angry, he becomes inconsiderate and slams doors, shouts loudly and storms into my room to rant angry about mum even when I'm trying to sleep. When he's ranting, it's to upset me to get to mum more. He's fine when he's not angry, but once he's angry that's it. When we were younger and he got angry, he threw things and broke them (e.g.my bike helmet, biscuit jar, cups) but not so much anymore. Note that he's never laid a finger on us and I hope he never will.

When he comes into my room shouting, it scares me. Hearing them argue so intensively makes me really anxious and I have my UCAT coming up in 3 and a bit weeks plus extra bio work to ensure I'm all set for yr 13 but last night I got to sleep at 3 as opposed to the usual 10. Maybe I'm just stupidly lightweight but once I sleep late, the following day I'm so drowsy and can't focus on anything.

I can't have a talk with them to argue somewhere else or quieter because dad won't listen and will override me to say the 101 reasons why he can't do that and how he's right. No point. Mum reckons he's always had a mental disorder which causes anger problems and it's becoming quite apparent but of course he refuses to go to the GP and get it checked out.

I really want them to divorce as everyone would be happier, but the things preventing this is lockdown (the tenants have prolonged their stay so mum can't move there) and my older brother (18) who got extremely upset when mum said that she wanted to leave dad. My brother always ignores problems until it gets to a very serious point whereas I over-acknowledge the problems and worry about them too much (hence I've now accepted the fact that my parents really need to separate).

I'm not allowed to tell any friends where my mum knows the parents, hence I can't tell my boyfriend either as it's a very personal matter.

After arguments whenever someone walks past my bedroom door when in in it, I suddenly get anxious as if dad's gonna storm in all angry again.

People with constantly arguing or violently abusive parents, I don't know how you guys do it...my respect goes to you.

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?
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hhamadaman
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#2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi,

My parents have always argued. When dad gets angry, he becomes inconsiderate and slams doors, shouts loudly and storms into my room to rant angry about mum even when I'm trying to sleep. When he's ranting, it's to upset me to get to mum more. He's fine when he's not angry, but once he's angry that's it. When we were younger and he got angry, he threw things and broke them (e.g.my bike helmet, biscuit jar, cups) but not so much anymore. Note that he's never laid a finger on us and I hope he never will.

When he comes into my room shouting, it scares me. Hearing them argue so intensively makes me really anxious and I have my UCAT coming up in 3 and a bit weeks plus extra bio work to ensure I'm all set for yr 13 but last night I got to sleep at 3 as opposed to the usual 10. Maybe I'm just stupidly lightweight but once I sleep late, the following day I'm so drowsy and can't focus on anything.

I can't have a talk with them to argue somewhere else or quieter because dad won't listen and will override me to say the 101 reasons why he can't do that and how he's right. No point. Mum reckons he's always had a mental disorder which causes anger problems and it's becoming quite apparent but of course he refuses to go to the GP and get it checked out.

I really want them to divorce as everyone would be happier, but the things preventing this is lockdown (the tenants have prolonged their stay so mum can't move there) and my older brother (18) who got extremely upset when mum said that she wanted to leave dad. My brother always ignores problems until it gets to a very serious point whereas I over-acknowledge the problems and worry about them too much (hence I've now accepted the fact that my parents really need to separate).

I'm not allowed to tell any friends where my mum knows the parents, hence I can't tell my boyfriend either as it's a very personal matter.

After arguments whenever someone walks past my bedroom door when in in it, I suddenly get anxious as if dad's gonna storm in all angry again.

People with constantly arguing or violently abusive parents, I don't know how you guys do it...my respect goes to you.

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?
mine have been like this for years. I used to go to the town library or leeds uni library cause most unis let u use their libraries if you're in sixth form. I'd also stay late in my sixth form library till 5. this might not be possible for you rn cause of the virus so maybe try going to revise in a quiet coffee shop.
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Anonymous #2
#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi,

My parents have always argued. When dad gets angry, he becomes inconsiderate and slams doors, shouts loudly and storms into my room to rant angry about mum even when I'm trying to sleep. When he's ranting, it's to upset me to get to mum more. He's fine when he's not angry, but once he's angry that's it. When we were younger and he got angry, he threw things and broke them (e.g.my bike helmet, biscuit jar, cups) but not so much anymore. Note that he's never laid a finger on us and I hope he never will.

When he comes into my room shouting, it scares me. Hearing them argue so intensively makes me really anxious and I have my UCAT coming up in 3 and a bit weeks plus extra bio work to ensure I'm all set for yr 13 but last night I got to sleep at 3 as opposed to the usual 10. Maybe I'm just stupidly lightweight but once I sleep late, the following day I'm so drowsy and can't focus on anything.

I can't have a talk with them to argue somewhere else or quieter because dad won't listen and will override me to say the 101 reasons why he can't do that and how he's right. No point. Mum reckons he's always had a mental disorder which causes anger problems and it's becoming quite apparent but of course he refuses to go to the GP and get it checked out.

I really want them to divorce as everyone would be happier, but the things preventing this is lockdown (the tenants have prolonged their stay so mum can't move there) and my older brother (18) who got extremely upset when mum said that she wanted to leave dad. My brother always ignores problems until it gets to a very serious point whereas I over-acknowledge the problems and worry about them too much (hence I've now accepted the fact that my parents really need to separate).

I'm not allowed to tell any friends where my mum knows the parents, hence I can't tell my boyfriend either as it's a very personal matter.

After arguments whenever someone walks past my bedroom door when in in it, I suddenly get anxious as if dad's gonna storm in all angry again.

People with constantly arguing or violently abusive parents, I don't know how you guys do it...my respect goes to you.

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?
Hello,
I’d like to start off by saying two things.
1- im not really great at giving advice on touchy subjects, but the best I can do for you is try.
2- I’m incredibly sorry that you feel this way, It must feel awful. It honestly hurts to see that there is yet another young person affected by this parental conflict. But as said previously, I will try to help you.

I know that it must hurt to see your mother and father fight, and I know that it can affect your grades if you witness them arguing continuously and feel as if it may be your fault, or as if you play some sort of a role within their arguments and are responsible for maybe trying to stop them from fighting. But these thoughts contradict others like:” but they’ll never listen, they’re to fixated on their arguments to realise the damage it does to others around them” or “ what can I do, I’m powerless. I can’t stop them from arguing”. Honestly, I can’t tell if you feel this way, or say these things, but I can only speak from experience and I have. From around yr1- year4 my mum and dad would argue- like a lot- and it would often end in my mum in tears in the middle of the night, my dad slamming doors after he leaves home and me being awake to hear it all and after he leaves, trying to help my mum emotionally as she sat crying her eyes out till like 2am. But, Somehow the very person I helped emotionally the night before would be a different person the next day, as my dad and my mum would argue, but this time( and on multiple occasions) it was filled with a **** ton of anger from both parties, and would often turn into fuel for my mum to just beat me hard and mercilessly for no apparent reason post-arguement, Just out of anger. Gaining marks on my body and always hiding them for school. So yeah- I have quite a bit of experience when it comes to parental conflict. As I can see this is just one of the multiple examples I can give but it conveys my planned point very well. That point is to not feel responsible for having to end their conflict and not to let their problems drag you down, you seem like ur head is in the right place, to study for the ucat, personally I think it shows how smart you are, how you hold your education tightly with both hands and wouldn’t let go for anything. I can get this from just u saying ur plan is to go into medicine or dentistry because they’re competitive and good grades are required to get in, so I can guess ur grades are probably great. So your doing well academically, now you need to know that your parents’ conflict has not dragged you down- but it could if you continue to dwell on it as a burden and a forced responsibility to end it. How about you talk to your brother, explain how you feel this is affecting you and say that you want to sit both parents down to talk about the affect their arguments are having on you and your future. Tell them that the space you enter when talking MUST be argument-free. if they choose not to listen than you can at least have it on your conscience that you tried and they didn’t listen. But giving as to how they’re your parents and although they argue they still may care about you, they probably don’t will want to know that they are affecting you from reaching your dreams, doing really well on your ucas and going off to be a great doctor/ dentist( don’t know if test is for this but I think- pls correct if I’m wrong). Ur brother would most likely listen too. Personally, I can’t say if this will work 100% cos my dad left around yr 4. I’m in yr11 now and I can say that this isn’t even one of the top 10 worst things that has happened to me and/or my family, there’s honestly other bad stuff, but this is some of the milder stuff. I know things will go right for you cos, as I previously said, ur head and heart is In the right place, your environment is just dragging you down. Yet again sorry for the advice, I’ve never given one on a touchy topic, and I thought an anecdote would be best suited for this as you and I are kinda on the same boat, only difference is that I’ve been on it before and my dad isn’t around. But trust me, you do what u think is right, talk to them and tell them how it affects you and things will possibly change from there. I can do nothing now but say sorry that you are experiencing it too, and that I hope you do well for your exam, I believe you can.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by hhamadaman)
mine have been like this for years. I used to go to the town library or leeds uni library cause most unis let u use their libraries if you're in sixth form. I'd also stay late in my sixth form library till 5. this might not be possible for you rn cause of the virus so maybe try going to revise in a quiet coffee shop.
I actually used to do that too, just occupy myself when they argued, read books,etc.
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Bambam0102
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#5
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https://www.sony.co.uk/electronics/n...ing-headphones

These really helped me to try and study but the emotional effect plays a toll too. I used to try and go to my friends house to study too & library.
I hope you’re okay.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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(Original post by hhamadaman)
mine have been like this for years. I used to go to the town library or leeds uni library cause most unis let u use their libraries if you're in sixth form. I'd also stay late in my sixth form library till 5. this might not be possible for you rn cause of the virus so maybe try going to revise in a quiet coffee shop.
Thanks for the advice
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hello,
I’d like to start off by saying two things.
1- im not really great at giving advice on touchy subjects, but the best I can do for you is try.
2- I’m incredibly sorry that you feel this way, It must feel awful. It honestly hurts to see that there is yet another young person affected by this parental conflict. But as said previously, I will try to help you.

I know that it must hurt to see your mother and father fight, and I know that it can affect your grades if you witness them arguing continuously and feel as if it may be your fault, or as if you play some sort of a role within their arguments and are responsible for maybe trying to stop them from fighting. But these thoughts contradict others like:” but they’ll never listen, they’re to fixated on their arguments to realise the damage it does to others around them” or “ what can I do, I’m powerless. I can’t stop them from arguing”. Honestly, I can’t tell if you feel this way, or say these things, but I can only speak from experience and I have. From around yr1- year4 my mum and dad would argue- like a lot- and it would often end in my mum in tears in the middle of the night, my dad slamming doors after he leaves home and me being awake to hear it all and after he leaves, trying to help my mum emotionally as she sat crying her eyes out till like 2am. But, Somehow the very person I helped emotionally the night before would be a different person the next day, as my dad and my mum would argue, but this time( and on multiple occasions) it was filled with a **** ton of anger from both parties, and would often turn into fuel for my mum to just beat me hard and mercilessly for no apparent reason post-arguement, Just out of anger. Gaining marks on my body and always hiding them for school. So yeah- I have quite a bit of experience when it comes to parental conflict. As I can see this is just one of the multiple examples I can give but it conveys my planned point very well. That point is to not feel responsible for having to end their conflict and not to let their problems drag you down, you seem like ur head is in the right place, to study for the ucat, personally I think it shows how smart you are, how you hold your education tightly with both hands and wouldn’t let go for anything. I can get this from just u saying ur plan is to go into medicine or dentistry because they’re competitive and good grades are required to get in, so I can guess ur grades are probably great. So your doing well academically, now you need to know that your parents’ conflict has not dragged you down- but it could if you continue to dwell on it as a burden and a forced responsibility to end it. How about you talk to your brother, explain how you feel this is affecting you and say that you want to sit both parents down to talk about the affect their arguments are having on you and your future. Tell them that the space you enter when talking MUST be argument-free. if they choose not to listen than you can at least have it on your conscience that you tried and they didn’t listen. But giving as to how they’re your parents and although they argue they still may care about you, they probably don’t will want to know that they are affecting you from reaching your dreams, doing really well on your ucas and going off to be a great doctor/ dentist( don’t know if test is for this but I think- pls correct if I’m wrong). Ur brother would most likely listen too. Personally, I can’t say if this will work 100% cos my dad left around yr 4. I’m in yr11 now and I can say that this isn’t even one of the top 10 worst things that has happened to me and/or my family, there’s honestly other bad stuff, but this is some of the milder stuff. I know things will go right for you cos, as I previously said, ur head and heart is In the right place, your environment is just dragging you down. Yet again sorry for the advice, I’ve never given one on a touchy topic, and I thought an anecdote would be best suited for this as you and I are kinda on the same boat, only difference is that I’ve been on it before and my dad isn’t around. But trust me, you do what u think is right, talk to them and tell them how it affects you and things will possibly change from there. I can do nothing now but say sorry that you are experiencing it too, and that I hope you do well for your exam, I believe you can.
Your advice is fine. If anything, it's helped reassure me! Just taking the time to read my thread is more than enough, so giving me advice is even better! And yes, I'd like to be a doctor when I'm older Thank you so much for the comfort - literally exactly what I needed <3
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bambam0102)
https://www.sony.co.uk/electronics/n...ing-headphones

These really helped me to try and study but the emotional effect plays a toll too. I used to try and go to my friends house to study too & library.
I hope you’re okay.
Thanks. Unfortunately the arguements tend to happen at night so the library will be closed and due to lockdown and I can't go round a friend's house. Wow a lot of those headphones are expensive! I'll consider buying one though...do you have any particular recommendations?
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Bambam0102
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks. Unfortunately the arguements tend to happen at night so the library will be closed and due to lockdown and I can't go round a friend's house. Wow a lot of those headphones are expensive! I'll consider buying one though...do you have any particular recommendations?
I personally use these ones:

Sony WH-H900N h.ear Series Wireless Over-Ear Noise Cancelling High Resolution Headphones with Gesture control, 24 Hours Battery Life - Black, with Alexa built-in https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B074VG..._7y.kFbX3K20J6

On sale atm, I know they’re really expensive but I found them so helpful. Literally even without playing music it blocks it out but you can put on rly quiet music and it works even better. My suggestion is definitely over ear ones rather than on ear ones I did loads of research and the on ear ones just didn’t work as well and weren’t as comfy.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bambam0102)
I personally use these ones:

Sony WH-H900N h.ear Series Wireless Over-Ear Noise Cancelling High Resolution Headphones with Gesture control, 24 Hours Battery Life - Black, with Alexa built-in https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B074VG..._7y.kFbX3K20J6

On sale atm, I know they’re really expensive but I found them so helpful. Literally even without playing music it blocks it out but you can put on rly quiet music and it works even better. My suggestion is definitely over ear ones rather than on ear ones I did loads of research and the on ear ones just didn’t work as well and weren’t as comfy.
Thanks for the recommendation, I'll definitely keep that one in mind Just wondering if you know the usual months or season they go on sale? I've heard that headphones tend to go on sale seasonally but I can't seem to find out which...???
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bambam0102)
I personally use these ones:

Sony WH-H900N h.ear Series Wireless Over-Ear Noise Cancelling High Resolution Headphones with Gesture control, 24 Hours Battery Life - Black, with Alexa built-in https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B074VG..._7y.kFbX3K20J6

On sale atm, I know they’re really expensive but I found them so helpful. Literally even without playing music it blocks it out but you can put on rly quiet music and it works even better. My suggestion is definitely over ear ones rather than on ear ones I did loads of research and the on ear ones just didn’t work as well and weren’t as comfy.
How long have you had these headphones for? From your experience do they cancel out loud shouting?
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Bambam0102
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(Original post by Anonymous)
How long have you had these headphones for? From your experience do they cancel out loud shouting?
I’ve had them for around 2 years I’ve used them in the college cafeteria and they blocked it out with music. It’s so peaceful. In terms of shouting. It does block general noise a lot better than voices but with music I’ve used it to block my parents shouting. It wouldn’t work as well if you were in the room but my parents argue downstairs and if I’m upstairs in my room then with music they’re amazing. Personal opinion tho please do research I don’t want to b your only source!
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Bambam0102
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(Original post by Anonymous)
How long have you had these headphones for? From your experience do they cancel out loud shouting?
I got mine around this time 2 years ago as I was struggling with the noise level of working in college. They were on sale then. I know around Xmas they’re on sale and exams time there were a few student discounts. But some sales are back to school related.
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Bambam0102
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for the recommendation, I'll definitely keep that one in mind Just wondering if you know the usual months or season they go on sale? I've heard that headphones tend to go on sale seasonally but I can't seem to find out which...???
Sorry replied to the wrong quote please see the one above
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bambam0102)
I’ve had them for around 2 years I’ve used them in the college cafeteria and they blocked it out with music. It’s so peaceful. In terms of shouting. It does block general noise a lot better than voices but with music I’ve used it to block my parents shouting. It wouldn’t work as well if you were in the room but my parents argue downstairs and if I’m upstairs in my room then with music they’re amazing. Personal opinion tho please do research I don’t want to b your only source!
(Original post by Bambam0102)
I got mine around this time 2 years ago as I was struggling with the noise level of working in college. They were on sale then. I know around Xmas they’re on sale and exams time there were a few student discounts. But some sales are back to school related.
Thank you Haha no worries I won't blame you for anything to do with my bad research skills! I've been watching youtuube reviews as well so hopefully I can get a few opinions for each headphone model
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Your advice is fine. If anything, it's helped reassure me! Just taking the time to read my thread is more than enough, so giving me advice is even better! And yes, I'd like to be a doctor when I'm older Thank you so much for the comfort - literally exactly what I needed <3
No problem🙂. I’m glad it helped and comforted u.Stay strong and good luck for ur exams. I believe you’ll do just fine.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
No problem🙂. I’m glad it helped and comforted u.Stay strong and good luck for ur exams. I believe you’ll do just fine.
You know what really upsets me? Every single time they 'work things out' after an arguement, mum says they're gonna work on communication every time. It's happened so many times before and idek why tf she always puts up with dad's anger problems. The worst thing is that after the arguements where he's obviously upsetted me (when he comes in shouting, I can't help but cry and I find it hard to breathe), he just acts as if nothing happened. Even if he's supposedly 'worked things out' with mum, he only apologises to me frickin days or even weeks afterwards. It's barely an apology - just consists of a small 'sorry' and then 999999 reasons why he has the right to have these damn anger problems. It ALWAYS related to how he's in the right every time and it really pees me off. It feels like he doesn't even care about my feelings.

He also overdoes it when he's trying to fix small problems which aren't even problems e.g.when I ask him to move to the side so I can access the kitchen tap, where he apologises profusely in this self-victimizing way but with the big problems like his anger problems he always flips the story around so he's the victim. So. Infuriating.
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