To the people who have experience in age gap relationships.

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Anonymous #1
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I have been in a relationship for 4 years. I am currently 18 and he is 21. I know it seems odd but let’s just skip past that.

Anyway, we are coming to the age now where we are ready to start getting ready to move on and planning on saving on moving out etc.

The problem is, he doesn’t seem to quite understand the age gap. He’s obviously ready to move out, however I am not yet. We would have to spend about 2 years saving before moving out and it seems good enough however I still don’t feel like I’ll be sure to move out then. These are one of problems, but there are some others.

Anyway, anybody else experienced this? How did you work past it? Or did you not?

Thanks
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Torigracex
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I’m also 18 and my boyfriend and I have a similar age gap! Although we have quite similar maturity levels in most aspects of life, there are times when I have to remind him that I am slightly younger than him. Usually I’ll just point it out and the matter is over and done with, and sometimes I’ll have to explain it a bit more from my point of view. The best thing to do is definitely talk to him about how you’re feeling! If you do want to save up and eventually live with him, you could explain that you want to begin saving, but you’re not sure if you’ll be ready to move out in two years time. If he’s really the one, he’ll be understanding that you’ll be ready to move out in your own time. Hope this helps, my PMs are open any time if you want to vent the other issues, and it’s a bit more private than a public thread! x
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Torigracex)
I’m also 18 and my boyfriend and I have a similar age gap! Although we have quite similar maturity levels in most aspects of life, there are times when I have to remind him that I am slightly younger than him. Usually I’ll just point it out and the matter is over and done with, and sometimes I’ll have to explain it a bit more from my point of view. The best thing to do is definitely talk to him about how you’re feeling! If you do want to save up and eventually live with him, you could explain that you want to begin saving, but you’re not sure if you’ll be ready to move out in two years time. If he’s really the one, he’ll be understanding that you’ll be ready to move out in your own time. Hope this helps, my PMs are open any time if you want to vent the other issues, and it’s a bit more private than a public thread! x
Thanks. It’s difficult with him because it doesn’t feel like he understands it as much. And says stuff like ‘well I’ll move out first And you can move in later’ and said to him ‘okay fair enough. But you won’t consider my feelings on what area I want to live in and I won’t have a choice but to move there.’ We live quite far away from each other. Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable
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Torigracex
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks. It’s difficult with him because it doesn’t feel like he understands it as much. And says stuff like ‘well I’ll move out first And you can move in later’ and said to him ‘okay fair enough. But you won’t consider my feelings on what area I want to live in and I won’t have a choice but to move there.’ We live quite far away from each other. Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable
Tricky one. Have you tried talking to him about moving in with him wherever he’s staying if he does move out first, and then deciding together where you’d both like to move to when you get to that stage? If he does move out on his own before you’re ready to, I feel as though he’s not necessarily in the wrong to pick where he wants to go when you’re not sure when you’ll feel ready to move in with him. However, when you do move in with him, at that point I feel you should have a say in where you get to live. Or you could suggest to him that when he does decide he wants to move out, that you could have a say in whereabouts he moves, if you do have the intention of one day moving in with him. It depends entirely on whether you’re happy for him to move where he wants whilst you’re unsure of when you’ll be ready to leave home or not.
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daniellasax17
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Four years? Your boyfriend is a nonce for even being interested in speaking or starting a relationship with 14 year old. I don’t have any advice for this situation except to run far away from a man who would even consider that. You won’t break up with him, I know, but you’ll remember this message in a few years.
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glassalice
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(Original post by daniellasax17)
Four years? Your boyfriend is a nonce for even being interested in speaking or starting a relationship with 14 year old. I don’t have any advice for this situation except to run far away from a man who would even consider that. You won’t break up with him, I know, but you’ll remember this message in a few years.
No, the boyfriend isn't a paedophile.
If a poster popped up and said that they where 14 and where in a relationship with a 17 year old, I would be worried.
However, OP is an adult now. If she judges her relationship to be healthy, it most likely is.
Last edited by glassalice; 1 month ago
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Surnia
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It's not the age gap that's the issue here, and 18 v 21 is fine; it's the level of maturity.

When you say you are 'getting ready to move on' you must have talked things over. On the financial side, as a homeowner I've posted this list of costs to consider when moving out, so this is a starter to discuss with your boyfriend about what you can afford to do:

• Accomdation costs
• Contents insurance
• TV and licence? Stereo?
• Broadband
• Phone
• Food
• Toiletries
• Cleaning and laundry products
• Clothes
• Socialising (including travel, food, drinks) and holidays
• Visits to friends and family (including car insurance, fuel, tax, servicing, MOT if applicable)
• Any additional furniture or appliances like kettle, toaster, microwave
• Bedding, towels, tea cloths
• Crockery, cutlery, cookware, kitchen storage
• Birthdays and Christmas

Plus there's all the discussion over joint finances, who does what jobs (like shopping and cooking depending on your schedules) etc.

If your boyfriend wants to rent to see how it goes, and he's spending his money, then he's got a say it where it goes. What's the issue with where he's talking about, does it affect you for studying, job, proximity to family and friends? Moving in together is a big step, so why not see how it goes if you divide your time between home and his place: it's a very different thing to have responsibilities for helping run a home at 18 if you're not ready.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by daniellasax17)
Four years? Your boyfriend is a nonce for even being interested in speaking or starting a relationship with 14 year old. I don’t have any advice for this situation except to run far away from a man who would even consider that. You won’t break up with him, I know, but you’ll remember this message in a few years.
(Original post by glassalice)
No, the boyfriend isn't a paedophile.
If a poster popped up and said that they where 14 and where in a relationship with a 17 year old, I would be worried.
However, OP is an adult now. If she judges her relationship to be healthy, it most likely is.
Thanks
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Surnia)
It's not the age gap that's the issue here, and 18 v 21 is fine; it's the level of maturity.

When you say you are 'getting ready to move on' you must have talked things over. On the financial side, as a homeowner I've posted this list of costs to consider when moving out, so this is a starter to discuss with your boyfriend about what you can afford to do:

• Accomdation costs
• Contents insurance
• TV and licence? Stereo?
• Broadband
• Phone
• Food
• Toiletries
• Cleaning and laundry products
• Clothes
• Socialising (including travel, food, drinks) and holidays
• Visits to friends and family (including car insurance, fuel, tax, servicing, MOT if applicable)
• Any additional furniture or appliances like kettle, toaster, microwave
• Bedding, towels, tea cloths
• Crockery, cutlery, cookware, kitchen storage
• Birthdays and Christmas

Plus there's all the discussion over joint finances, who does what jobs (like shopping and cooking depending on your schedules) etc.

If your boyfriend wants to rent to see how it goes, and he's spending his money, then he's got a say it where it goes. What's the issue with where he's talking about, does it affect you for studying, job, proximity to family and friends? Moving in together is a big step, so why not see how it goes if you divide your time between home and his place: it's a very different thing to have responsibilities for helping run a home at 18 if you're not ready.
Yeah we’ve already discussed all that. We are just focusing on what savings we can get together within the next three years. It’s a bit awkward as he lives in the west side and I live in the south, our jobs are in very different places and so are our family
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claireestelle
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have been in a relationship for 4 years. I am currently 18 and he is 21. I know it seems odd but let’s just skip past that.

Anyway, we are coming to the age now where we are ready to start getting ready to move on and planning on saving on moving out etc.

The problem is, he doesn’t seem to quite understand the age gap. He’s obviously ready to move out, however I am not yet. We would have to spend about 2 years saving before moving out and it seems good enough however I still don’t feel like I’ll be sure to move out then. These are one of problems, but there are some others.

Anyway, anybody else experienced this? How did you work past it? Or did you not?

Thanks
there's 4 years between me and my husband and we met at 18 and 22, we moved in together in under 4 months because he needed someone to share with but I have always been beyond my years and felt more than ready to make that step. If you aren't ready maturity-wise then you aren't ready.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by claireestelle)
there's 4 years between me and my husband and we met at 18 and 22, we moved in together in under 4 months because he needed someone to share with but I have always been beyond my years and felt more than ready to make that step. If you aren't ready maturity-wise then you aren't ready.
Thanks. My family and I went through a lot a few years ago and ever since then I’ve grown unbelievably close to them and often help take care of my younger brother and other stuff in the house too. I get scared that when I leave they will struggle and I feel like I hold a lot of responsibility in this house which makes me feel like if I leave, I’ll be leaving them in a bad position, does that make sense?
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claireestelle
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks. My family and I went through a lot a few years ago and ever since then I’ve grown unbelievably close to them and often help take care of my younger brother and other stuff in the house too. I get scared that when I leave they will struggle and I feel like I hold a lot of responsibility in this house which makes me feel like if I leave, I’ll be leaving them in a bad position, does that make sense?
It does but also you will have to take the step eventually it's whether it could be better in the future.
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ZombieTheWolf
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(Original post by daniellasax17)
Four years? Your boyfriend is a nonce for even being interested in speaking or starting a relationship with 14 year old. I don’t have any advice for this situation except to run far away from a man who would even consider that. You won’t break up with him, I know, but you’ll remember this message in a few years.
Completely agree 🤷*♀️ I’m 19 and if I dated someone who was 16 I think I’d have to be a pedophile because the idea absolutely repulses me. My brother is 16 this September and we are two worlds apart regarding maturity, he is still definitely a child and I am definitely an adult in the way we think and act. Pedos and those groomed by them like to use the “I am mature for my age” card, which is false.

Nothing wrong if they got together at 18, but she was 14 and he was 17 🤢 pls
Last edited by ZombieTheWolf; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by claireestelle)
It does but also you will have to take the step eventually it's whether it could be better in the future.
Yeah I guess you’re right
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daniellasax17
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(Original post by glassalice)
No, the boyfriend isn't a paedophile.
If a poster popped up and said that they where 14 and where in a relationship with a 17 year old, I would be worried.
However, OP is an adult now. If she judges her relationship to be healthy, it most likely is.
That’s... not how it works at all. Legally, a 17 year old engaging in sexual activities with a 14 year old - ( a minor??) they would go to jail as she is below the age of consent. Even if he waits until she is of age, it’s called grooming.

Of course she would think it’s okay in adulthood, if you’ve been manipulated to think it’s normal when she was a minor. The boyfriend is nasty and a predator, legally and morally.
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glassalice
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(Original post by daniellasax17)
That’s... not how it works at all. Legally, a 17 year old engaging in sexual activities with a 14 year old - ( a minor??) they would go to jail as she is below the age of consent. Even if he waits until she is of age, it’s called grooming.

Of course she would think it’s okay in adulthood, if you’ve been manipulated to think it’s normal when she was a minor. The boyfriend is nasty and a predator, legally and morally.
(a) You don't know if there was sexual activity (OR not).
(b) The boyfriend would not legally/medically be considered a paedophile. A paedophile is an individual that is sexually attracted to children below the age of 13 and they are at least 5 years older than the individual they are attracted to.
(C) Theres morally a big difference between a just turned 14 Y/O and an almost 18 Y/I & an almost 15 Y/O w/ a just turned 17 Y/O
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daniellasax17
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(Original post by glassalice)
(a) You don't know if there was sexual activity (OR not).
(b) The boyfriend would not legally/medically be considered a paedophile. A paedophile is an individual that is sexually attracted to children below the age of 13 and they are at least 5 years older than the individual they are attracted to.
(C) Theres morally a big difference between a just turned 14 Y/O and an almost 18 Y/I & an almost 15 Y/O w/ a just turned 17 Y/O
A) I explained that even if there wasn’t sexual activity that it is still disgusting. Even if he waited for her to be of age, it is called grooming a minor. At no point should you be waiting for somebody to be able to sleep with you. Or be pursuing a romantic relationship with a minor.

B) There’s no “almost” in the law, so stop moving the goalposts. 17 isn’t a minor whereas 14 is. That’s the reality of the situation.
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glassalice
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(Original post by daniellasax17)
A) I explained that even if there wasn’t sexual activity that it is still disgusting. Even if he waited for her to be of age, it is called grooming a minor. At no point should you be waiting for somebody to be able to sleep with you. Or be pursuing a romantic relationship with a minor.

B) There’s no “almost” in the law, so stop moving the goalposts. 17 isn’t a minor whereas 14 is. That’s the reality of the situation.
Sorry OP for this ^.

(1) You weren't purely discussing the situation from a legal perspective.

(2) Morally there is a difference- the difference in maturity would probably be far less than in the latter example.

(3)The law can't be used as an indicator of what is moraly wrong/ right. For example it's illegal to eat chocolate on buses as a female (in the UK).
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Anonymous #2
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I don’t find that odd, I am 17 dating a 21 yr old, nobody finds it weird, he didn’t date me for my maturity even though I was mature. I was committed and we have the same values etc, I’ve always dated older guys because guys my age, I don’t feel comfortable enough and we don’t have the same values etc. We’ve been together for almost a year and I could never be any happier, he treats me like a princess and he doesn’t do anything wrong, he treats me how I want to be treated. I think that if he truly loves u then he’s willing to wait for you to move in, my bf wants me to move in by time I am 19 ish so I said when I go off to university by 18 I will move in with him. Why don’t u just stay on weekends etc or stay a couple of nights a week at his apartment and see how u feel about it from then.
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Fartershop
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(Original post by ZombieTheWolf)
Completely agree 🤷*♀️ I’m 19 and if I dated someone who was 16 I think I’d have to be a pedophile because the idea absolutely repulses me. My brother is 16 this September and we are two worlds apart regarding maturity, he is still definitely a child and I am definitely an adult in the way we think and act. Pedos and those groomed by them like to use the “I am mature for my age” card, which is false.

Nothing wrong if they got together at 18, but she was 14 and he was 17 🤢 pls
So 17 is an adult but 16 is a child?
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