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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#1
I am writing this all out because I cannot keep it in my head anymore, otherwise I will explode. I know no one will read it, it’s far too long. I just feel better when I write this out.

I wish I could not exist.

I feel so lonely.

No one cares for me, not even my own family.

I long for someone to truly have concerns for me, to check up on me, to see how I am doing.

Sometimes I look long in the mirror and imagine someone putting their arm around me and trying to tell me that I am great the way I am, that there is nothing wrong with me.

I wish there was someone who could tell me that they are proud of me, that they love me unconditionally.

I don't want to live anymore. What is the point of living when there is no one there for me.

I just am so helpless.

I will probably end up in a mental institution by the way things are going. I am not suicidal. I can't be. It's against my religion. I cannot be in a relationship. Again, it's against my religion. I've got to get married to be in a relationship. As cheesy as it sounds, my faith in God has kept me going.

So I will probs be all loopy in the head in a few years time.

I am very socially awkward and don't know how to communicate with people- i can't talk to people in english. Most of the time, i say things that don't make sense. I am not dyslexic or anything like that. I did hard a levels so maths, biology and chemistry - Maths: A grade, Biology: B grade Chemistry: A grade. So I don't have learning difficulties.

I was born and raised in London. But I literally cannot talk to people.

I am very aware that as I am typing this up, I sound like a 10 year old or possibly even younger. I am actually 20. I have the communication skills of a 9 or 10 year old.

However, I have no problems speaking in my mother tongue (farsi). I don't need to think before I say something - it just flows naturally. In fact, I am always told by others that I speak very well and mature for my age in farsi given the fact that I have lived my whole life in London. My parents speak to me in farsi at home. They know english but they can’t be bothered to speak to me in english at home.

My parents never let me go out anywhere, always dropped me to where i needed to be. I never went out with the few friends i had, my parents rarely let me.

I have never taken a bus or a train in the UK. Again, my parents are control freaks. This has nothing to do with my parent's upbringing or where they are originally from (no one else is like this)- my mum's really the control freak and my dad goes along with whatever my mum wants.

My mum has this thing where she hits her head when she is upset. She just keeps hitting herself over and over and over again. She does it in front of me. Then, she has some sort of seizure and she collapses on the ground. She has always been like this. Or she cries really hard and then gets a seizure.

My mum beat me up until the age of 18. My dad never did because my mum never let him. At 18, I looked more like a thirteen year old and my mum was still more physically stronger than me. I was afraid of her (when i was younger) because she sometimes chased me around the house with a knife. I was also afraid that she might harm herself. I still have the scar from when she cut me on my shoulder. Most of the time, she hit me when I was upstairs because I would usually run upstairs to hide from her or to hide my laptop (she breaks my things when she is angry). She beat me and dragged me by my hair. She also dangled me at the edge of the staircase, so if she let go of me,..I would fall head first down the stairs.

A few years ago, I got a head injury thanks to my mum. My mum and I were arguing and as i was going down the stairs (she was in a room upstairs, I assumed), something hit me really hard at the back of my head – it felt like an electric shock,...I am not sure how to explain it,..but it felt cold and then hot and very sore. Then, I came to the realisation that the back of the hairbrush had hit my head really hard. My mum had thrown a hairbrush down the stairs and it had hit my head. Obviously, i was mad and crying and swearing at her which caused her to come downstairs and punch me more. Then, she noticed that my head was bleeding and forced me to go upstairs and dunk my head in the sink – she turned on the tap and so cold water was going on my head. I didn’t understand what was going on until i saw blood in the sink – my head was bleeding. That explained my trip to the hospital.

She still hits me but she isn't strong enough to pin me down now. Now, she enjoys threatening to kick me out since I am 20. I still remember when she tried to suffocate me when I was 5 – she stuck my head into the sofa with my arms pinned to my back so I couldn’t breathe,..i can never forget that because i really thought i was going to die.

My mum always says I am ugly. Keeps telling me I have a big nose. When I was little, she always told me that I am black (the literal translation from farsi) and ugly...my mum has a lighter complexion than me and I have olive skin. She told me so many ridiculous things like “you are not scrubbing yourself well when you take a shower, that’s why you are dark-skinned” or “you need to gain weight, so that your skin colour gets lighter.” She compared me to other little girls and complimented on their skin and their hair etc,..I was a child then.

My mum always threatened me,..that she will do something which I will regret for the rest of my life and will never forgive myself for.. She always complained about me to my teachers. She made me look small in front of everyone. She took my personality away from me. In fact, she never let me grow into myself – i felt like a robot. When i woke up late for school, she would make sure i would have breakfast by making me have cereal in the car – this was so humiliating for me because all my classmates could see me with a bowl of cereal in the car,..Sometimes I lost control of it because of the car bumps on the road, so milk would splash everywhere in the car and including on my uniform. She would make sure I have every drop of milk in the bowl before I could go to school.

I was bullied a lot at school (heavily in secondarily school), I was a weirdo and only made friends with some people (people whose native language was not English/ people who moved to the UK and were not born here,...so those with a foreign accent). It was just comfortable with them because I didn’t feel like I will be judged because of what i say.

Two years ago, I got my A level results but was one grade short of medicine. My parents actually allowed me to go abroad to study it after a lot of begging because they knew I am not someone who will get drunk or party or things like that and would actually focus on my studies. I made the best decision to go to uni abroad and I made a lot of friends. I didn’t think other international students would judge me because everyone’s english is not so good there. There were also people from the UK but I just don’t get along with UK people – maybe iam not comfortable with people from london only idk? The ones at my uni were very loud and brash and one of them even told me that I can’t be from London because I have a weird accent.

I didn’t have much of a social life at uni but I did make some good friends. It was really nice to have a laugh over something with friends and discuss over our grades and make fun out of something that looks silly or make jokes – it felt unreal to not be excluded out of everything for a change. It was also the first time that I was in peace. I did not miss the UK and I did not miss my mum’s temper tantrums and beatings at home – so naturally, I did not get homesick despite the fact that I was in a completely different country. I did feel very lonely sometimes, but it was always better than being at home.

I gained so much confidence and stopped being a shy girl. I learnt to stop having negative thoughts. I learnt what it is to love myself and to not hit myself when I am frustrated (my mum hit herself a lot so i sort of copied her). I treated myself to things and stopped punishing myself when things went wrong. I learnt to stand up for myself and to not let people treat me like dirt. I changed my outlook on life a lot in the span of 2 years.

I also learnt that I am not that ugly as my mum had said to me and continues to tell me my whole life. A few guys were,..i am not sure how to put it,..but they were interested in me,.. and one of them wrote a letter to me and slid it under my door,..because he didn’t have my number :/ I am cringing really hard as I am writing this ,...Obviously, I am not that type of girl and friend-zoned (don’t know any better choice of words) all of them,..,...Again, my culture/upbringing doesn’t allow me to do this. Plus, my parents were paying for my studies not for me to end up having a boyfriend. I don’t wear makeup or try to look nice – my clothes are baggy and comfortable. My mum would think I am a sl*t if I wear makeup. So anways, the point is that I am not that ugly after all.

Unfortunately, the pandemic had to ruin everything. My uni closed and also the borders were closing because of the virus. So I regretfully came back to the UK,..back in my parents’ house after two years. They noticed that i had changed a lot and they didn’t like it. The only change in me was that I defended myself when they hurled hurtful things at me. As usual, my mum started telling me how ugly I am and that my nose keeps on getting bigger or she body shamed me. (I don’t really have a big nose but she likes for me to have insecurities). I had gained a bit of weight at some point (from 50kg to 54kg) and she suddenly started telling me I have no curves and what happened to you blah blah blah.. So now, I have started talking back to her and being equally rude to hear. I will be blatantly honest – I do tell her mean things or swear at her when she is rude to me. I don’t ever mean any of the things I say to her. When she tries to hits me, I push her away from me. I was patient with her, but then there comes a limit. My mum does not respect my privacy,..she barges into my room whenever she likes to. I understand that it is her house, but a little bit of respect is a good thing.

When I went abroad, I reflected on a lot of things and realised my mum had been verbally and physically abusing me my whole life. I always felt this was normal. I always didn’t feel right though but was brainwashed into believing that something must be wrong with me.

My mum would do a really cruel thing to me as a child – she would sit me down in a chair and make me stare in the mirror and she would tell me that if I was naughty, the mirror will show you. These are stupid things i know and sound ludicrous but she still made me do this at the age of 20 just a few months ago,..ofc I don’t believe in that crap anymore but I am still to this day uncomfortable at looking in the mirror and I don’t like looking through the window at night. Thanks mum for making my life a horror film.

My mum burnt me when I was 5, but it was not on accident and she knew that it was very probable that I will get burnt. When I would get a cold, my mum would force me to sit crosslegged on my bed,..then she would put two kettles full of steaming hot water behind me,..then she would put a bowl of hot water in front of me and tell me to hold it,..then she would throw my blanket on top of my head,...then, she would tell me to sit very still,.....So while I was suffocating underneath a blanket with steaming hot water around me, my mum went off somewhere,...I tried to lift the blanket so some air can get through but ended up knocking over the kettles behind me which of course burnt me,..I was badly burnt from the hip downwards because I also let go of the bowl in front of me.

My mum is also racist. She would tell me to not be friends with certain groups of people and etc. She started doing this when I was at primary school.

What really triggered me is that she called social services on me last night. This is how it led up to that: At 2am, my mum decided that it is the right time to vacuum her room because of spiders that were in her room. :/ She told me to bring the hoover for her – I was in my room studying. I went downstairs, brought the hoover out of the cupboard and brought it to the side of the stairs. I told her that i cant take it up the stairs because my hand hurts because it did, I had cramps in my hand after typing all day. She looked at me in disgust then proceeded to take it upstairs. It turns out that her room was infested with spiders. After hoovering her room, she started vacuuming near my room. I absolutely hate spiders and told her to not hoover near my room because she had just used that hoover to hoover her room that was infested with spiders. I am not proud of it but I do swear at her a lot because of all the painful things she has done to me and the fact that she still is continuing to be mean to me. I know it’s not right but my parents have been bullying me in their house for 6 months – I left uni 6 months ago to come home because of the virus. I wish I hadn’t. Thy gang up on me. They decide my life for me. For the past 6 months, my parents have been threatening to not pay my uni fees. I am sick and tired of these threats. I have completed 2 years of medical school and now, they have decided that I will not be returning to medical school. They are trying to show their power over me by playing with my life. What is worse is that she keeps changing her mind, she enjoys hurting my feelings.

Back to why she called the social services on me. So I took the hoover down for her because she had just left the hoover right next to my room and that was an inconvenience for me. It was much easier for me to take the hoover down than to take it up – so I just did it for her. Obviously, there will be some expected noise when I take the hoover down and put it in the cupboard. So my dad started complaining because I am putting the hoover away. It’s not my fault that my mum wants to hoover her room in the middle of the night. Of course, they both yet again ganged up on me. And yes I sweared at them, I told them every mean thing i know. I told them horrendous things. Then, I started crying because I felt really bullied by these two people. I was bullied a lot my whole life and they are doing it again. I am extremely embarrassed of crying in front of someone and in my opinion, it is a sign of weakness (it isn’t for some people, but it is for me). I never cry in front of someone – it is something I do in private. Do you know what my mum did? She made a sad face imitating me and then smirked. She finds it interesting when I cry because she never sees me cry unless something extremely bad has happened to me. She enjoys seeing me in pain, I know it. I find it very humiliating when someone finds pleasure in my pain. My dad keeps telling my mum “It’s either me or she is leaving the house”,...To that my mum replies “of course, she is going to get lost”. Then, my mum told my dad that she had all the recordings of me when I was swearing at her. So my mum was gathering evidence about my behaviour all along. She was recording me when I was most vulnerable with stress from so many exams and a crazy mother in the house. I couldn’t believe it. Had I known, I would’ve done the same. I couldn’t believe she could be that evil. I could never think of privately recording her when she is at her lowest and then use that as evidence to report her – I would be guilt-ridden. I was extremely angry and taken aback by what she was capable of doing to me. Out of rage, I told her that I will kill her and I wish she was dead.

My mum told me to shut up and stop crying or else she will kick me out of the house. I did stop crying – i felt as embarrassed as it is to have cried in front of my bullies. My dad went back to sleep. My mum didn’t – she had a different plan. She called social services and cried on the phone. I was amazed at how cunning she was. She was laughing at me when I was crying and now all of a sudden, she has become an actor over the phone. She told social services everything about me: my name, the school I went to, extended family member’s name, what uni I go to, she wanted to ruin me essentially. She told social services that she is suffering from anxiety and depression and did everything to make social services feel sorry for her. She told social services that I threatened to kill her. And there goes my whole life down the drain. She was just waiting for me to say that. Out of rage, people can say crazy things but it doesn’t mean they mean it. Social services asked her if she had contacted the police. HaHA. Thanks mum. Thanks a lot. You ruined my life and now just hand me over the police, will you please?

The next day she told me that she lied about calling social services :/ So she was pretending to be on the phone.

I seriously believe there is something wrong with my mum, She is mentally not right.

My parents never should have had children. I am an only child. Well, it sucks to be me. I didn’t go to sleep at all. It’s 8:30 am now. My mum is the reason why I am mentally unstable. I am off to bed ;/
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gmsb09
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#2
Report 1 year ago
#2
I am so so sorry you went through all this. I have trouble with my parents too but this... I can barely imagine. Please reach out and message me if you need to talk. I don’t know if it will be helpful but want you to know there is kindest out there and the world is not as horrendous as those around you seem to have made it (
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shebk
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#3
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#3
I'm sorry to hear you go though this.
Do you major in medicine?
You study well and will contribute a lot to the world!
Do you have ambition?
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moonlight98
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#4
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#4
Your life sounds like a second draft for a new Netflix series.

I know what it means to live in circumstances similar to this and so I also know what it means when one writes out their situation on an online public forum. It feels like you’re coming to the end of your “resistive to disparity” tether. You know, like giving up on powering through. I’m 20 and also a muslimah, my parents aren’t nearly as strict but, well, in my family there definitley are there dysfunctionalities.

Considering you don’t embrace your mothers racially irrational views and her odd means of oppressive behavior towards you shows incredible strength and mentally, you have a make up more powerful than the average person.

I added a new quote to my notes list the other day
“People function better when they are not oppressed”.

You got out (went abroad) and when you did, you were better almost immediately. That’s something truly mesmerizing and something most people with trauma cannot do. I trust you’ll be fine.
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IOPerry
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#5
Report 3 months ago
#5
You need to get away from the evil and violence, so that you can begin to heal. It will take a long time, but you will heal. Patience, patience, patience.

Your mother is drowning in evil, and she is trying to drag the people around her into evil as well. It's because of the deep, deep loneliness that come from selfish, self-obsessed self pitying. Be wary of this perspective. And do not be afraid to study yourself in the mirror! God loves every inch of you. Truly!

At this time, your mother does not know God at all. She is so far from God, that she cannot feel the warmth of his love at all. It's a very dark and lonely place to be, so she's trying to shape & groom some company for herself. I'm reminded of the novel/film Coraline.

Your parents have no power over you.

If they stop paying and supporting you, then you are simply free. Their control is an illusion. Like being hypnotized. The whole act falls apart once you see right through it.

God will protect and provide for you. Have faith.

Physical proximity is only one sort of distance. Keep moving toward the bright light & warmth of God's love. He wants you to be well and to be happy.
Just like those spiders, she will fearfully remain in her dark place while you move further into the light. Evil will not follow you into the light. If it did, it would cease to be evil at all.

Hateful thoughts are what make a person ugly. Protect your heart.

Explore & study yourself. Find peaceful, quiet moments to explore what's inside. Don't be afraid of what you may find. God loves and forgives all of you, ugliness and all. Don't flee from your feelings. Deep within your own mind & heart, are all the protective, accepting, and compassionate parental feelings that you have always deserved, but not yet received. There exists a perspective sometimes referred to as 'Grand Parental Mind.' It is vital to accept & embrace yourself with this very perspective.

Your mum knows where all of your buttons are. Learn about yourself. Dispassionately study, and then warmly forgive yourself. Once you know your emotional triggers well, you can begin to 'unplug' those buttons. They will simply stop functioning. And then she can press them all she wants (and sadly, she will. Like Skinner's pigeons, obsessively tapping in hopes of more seed, long after the button has ceased to function)

Your mother was not always like this. Perhaps, long ago, she was hurtfully abused as well. Be wary of how these patterns repeat & become ingrained. Healing yourself will give you the strength and the space to both mourn and forgive her. She may even be able to learn from your example, shedding some of her fear & self-hatred and moving closer to God herself. But do not even concern yourself with that. As you move closer to God, she will of course try to chase after you. There will then come a moment when she suddenly realizes how far out of her comfort zone in the darkness she has followed you, and then she will be forced to make a choice, either to continue into the light, or retreat back into darkness. But the choice is hers and you cannot influence it, other than simply by your living example.

I wish you Peace, Love, Patience, & Understanding. Everything changes, given time. Nothing ever sits still. Do not be concerned with how fast or slow it seems. Just ensure that you keep moving in the right direction.

God loves you. I love you. You are not alone
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Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#6
(Original post by gmsb09)
I am so so sorry you went through all this. I have trouble with my parents too but this... I can barely imagine. Please reach out and message me if you need to talk. I don’t know if it will be helpful but want you to know there is kindest out there and the world is not as horrendous as those around you seem to have made it (
Thanks so much! I am sorry I am replying to this so late!
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#7
(Original post by shebk)
I'm sorry to hear you go though this.
Do you major in medicine?
You study well and will contribute a lot to the world!
Do you have ambition?
Thanks so much! Hopefully, will finish this medical degree ina couple of years
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#8
(Original post by moonlight98)
Your life sounds like a second draft for a new Netflix series.

I know what it means to live in circumstances similar to this and so I also know what it means when one writes out their situation on an online public forum. It feels like you’re coming to the end of your “resistive to disparity” tether. You know, like giving up on powering through. I’m 20 and also a muslimah, my parents aren’t nearly as strict but, well, in my family there definitley are there dysfunctionalities.

Considering you don’t embrace your mothers racially irrational views and her odd means of oppressive behavior towards you shows incredible strength and mentally, you have a make up more powerful than the average person.

I added a new quote to my notes list the other day
“People function better when they are not oppressed”.

You got out (went abroad) and when you did, you were better almost immediately. That’s something truly mesmerizing and something most people with trauma cannot do. I trust you’ll be fine.
Haha yes you are right - it sounds like something in the movies and quite strange. I've changed a lot from when I last wrote this post. I've realised that I have a narcissistic mother and a father who basically goes along with what she says- the problem is that she is so unpredictable. One day, she is so sweet and kind. Another day, she doesn't even acknowledge I exist. I think the emotional neglect I had growing up was why I grew so attached to my books. I can't change her so I have to learn to "adapt" around her. Something which was hard for me to accept at the start is that you cannot change someone .Why is the person who is caring but at the same time evil doing this to me? Life is too short to worry about fixing relationships or trying your best to keep someone else happy.
What I've also noticed is that it is not "feeling lonely" that I am dealing with - it is being alone. Humans are not created to be alone. No matter how hard I try to be fine with being alone, it just doesn't work. I need human interaction, someone talking to me, interacting with me. The only time I have a chat with someone is with my uber driver when he/she drops me to work - that is all the human interaction I get in a day. At work, there is no time for chit chat - you have to get on with your job. I am not sure how I have not gone mental at this point. Imagine the only chat with someone you have in a day is with your uber driver.
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#9
(Original post by IOPerry)
You need to get away from the evil and violence, so that you can begin to heal. It will take a long time, but you will heal. Patience, patience, patience.

Your mother is drowning in evil, and she is trying to drag the people around her into evil as well. It's because of the deep, deep loneliness that come from selfish, self-obsessed self pitying. Be wary of this perspective. And do not be afraid to study yourself in the mirror! God loves every inch of you. Truly!

At this time, your mother does not know God at all. She is so far from God, that she cannot feel the warmth of his love at all. It's a very dark and lonely place to be, so she's trying to shape & groom some company for herself. I'm reminded of the novel/film Coraline.

Your parents have no power over you.

If they stop paying and supporting you, then you are simply free. Their control is an illusion. Like being hypnotized. The whole act falls apart once you see right through it.

God will protect and provide for you. Have faith.

Physical proximity is only one sort of distance. Keep moving toward the bright light & warmth of God's love. He wants you to be well and to be happy.
Just like those spiders, she will fearfully remain in her dark place while you move further into the light. Evil will not follow you into the light. If it did, it would cease to be evil at all.

Hateful thoughts are what make a person ugly. Protect your heart.

Explore & study yourself. Find peaceful, quiet moments to explore what's inside. Don't be afraid of what you may find. God loves and forgives all of you, ugliness and all. Don't flee from your feelings. Deep within your own mind & heart, are all the protective, accepting, and compassionate parental feelings that you have always deserved, but not yet received. There exists a perspective sometimes referred to as 'Grand Parental Mind.' It is vital to accept & embrace yourself with this very perspective.

Your mum knows where all of your buttons are. Learn about yourself. Dispassionately study, and then warmly forgive yourself. Once you know your emotional triggers well, you can begin to 'unplug' those buttons. They will simply stop functioning. And then she can press them all she wants (and sadly, she will. Like Skinner's pigeons, obsessively tapping in hopes of more seed, long after the button has ceased to function)

Your mother was not always like this. Perhaps, long ago, she was hurtfully abused as well. Be wary of how these patterns repeat & become ingrained. Healing yourself will give you the strength and the space to both mourn and forgive her. She may even be able to learn from your example, shedding some of her fear & self-hatred and moving closer to God herself. But do not even concern yourself with that. As you move closer to God, she will of course try to chase after you. There will then come a moment when she suddenly realizes how far out of her comfort zone in the darkness she has followed you, and then she will be forced to make a choice, either to continue into the light, or retreat back into darkness. But the choice is hers and you cannot influence it, other than simply by your living example.

I wish you Peace, Love, Patience, & Understanding. Everything changes, given time. Nothing ever sits still. Do not be concerned with how fast or slow it seems. Just ensure that you keep moving in the right direction.

God loves you. I love you. You are not alone
Thank you so so much!!! I really don't know what to say. This means so much to me - i think I read this post 3 whole times because it resonated with me so much. The one thing that is stronger than any fear I have for something is hope. Keeping the faith in God was what kept me going even when it gets tough. However, what I also realised is that God has not created us to be alone. No matter how hard I try, I cannot be happy with being alone.
I know there are people who are depressed, feel lonely but have close family and friends that check up on them so they aren't truly alone. As for me, I am alone - not lonely but alone. The depression comes from having no human interaction whatsoever and abuse in this house. A sort of abuse which makes me rethink and say nah it's not abuse and I am making it up. Every time my parents go out of their way to help me with something (which they do many times), I forget all the abuse I've endured and subconsciously tell myself that I am making a big deal of things. That I do not deserve my parents - they spend so much money on me. That I am a bad daughter. That I am overreacting. Then, I am reminded of their narcissistic "what about me and my feelings" attitude which happens many times. I am reminder of her breaking my door down(literally kicking it) I am reminded of how many times she has humiliated me and made fun of me. I see how other parents talk non-stop about their kids' achievements, whereas mine make it about themselves. I am reminded of her telling me that she would've suffocated me in the womb, if she knew I would turn out like this. She is always asking "when will you change". However, I swear at her (f yourself, b word etc.) so I am worse, I am the problem, there is something wrong with me, why don't I change? I have a roof over my head - I should be grateful for that. It's a vicious cycle of me blaming myself for the disorder in the house. I am the disturber of peace and all the problems at home is my fault. In conclusion, I am extremely scatter-brained. When someone on tsr tells me that it is not my fault and that my parents are monsters, I immediately think "nah that is not true, I should tell them more about me so that they realise how much of a terrrible person I am and that what my parents did was for my best, that it is some sort of discipline."

I confronted my mum about her suffocating me at the age of 5. Her response was that I was a difficult child.

I often hyperventilate because I have developed anxiety about when my mum's mood will shift and she will lash out on me. My dad is submissive - he just goes along with whatever she says.

Y'know even now, I struggle to accept that I have had abuse. It's all in my head and I am making this all up. My parents work so hard for me and I am so ungrateful. What do I gain from writing these posts? Just messed up thoughts in my head
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Henry 8
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#10
Report 3 months ago
#10
I think your mum needs treatment, we all love you on here.
If you ever want to chat privately then just message me anytime x
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Anonymous #1
#11
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#11
(Original post by Henry 8)
I think your mum needs treatment, we all love you on here.
If you ever want to chat privately then just message me anytime x
Thank you - means a lot!!
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Anonymous #2
#12
Report 3 months ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you - means a lot!!
I'm late but really really sorry how you've been treated. I just hope things will improve for you soon as well. You are still young, the op was a year ago so I'm assuming you're 21 now right? Abusing your own child is terrible and I actually think people like your parents should get life in prison. I just hope you can get out of that place, be happy and be successful. You deserve a good happy adulthood like everyone. I just hope things start improving ASAP for you. No one should have to go through what you have gone through, you sound very strong to get through all that. You deserve some good friends who care about you no matter what
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Anonymous #1
#13
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm late but really really sorry how you've been treated. I just hope things will improve for you soon as well. You are still young, the op was a year ago so I'm assuming you're 21 now right? Abusing your own child is terrible and I actually think people like your parents should get life in prison. I just hope you can get out of that place, be happy and be successful. You deserve a good happy adulthood like everyone. I just hope things start improving ASAP for you. No one should have to go through what you have gone through, you sound very strong to get through all that. You deserve some good friends who care about you no matter what
Thanks so much! It's hard being surrounded by negativity, all the time. But I need to get through this for myself and keep my sanity, not go crazy. It's hard though. My chest hurts. My heart rate is triple what it's meant to be. Worst of all, I feel like such a loser. I don't want pity parades or people feeling sorry for me cause I just feel like an attention-seeking brat. I just feel like a sob story, a loser who is blabbering away on tsr instead of fixing their problems. Im trying but it's taking a lot of time to heal when the wounds keep being re-opened by my narcissistic mother. I am crushed by my mother and I feel worthless in society. "I can't function because I am abused" - i feel so dumb saying that. I feel like I am someone who people get tired of and want to move away from as far as possible.
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Anonymous #1
#14
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#14
I don't want to start a new thread because that would be pointless. I have a question:

Does anyone on TSR know what this means (I've explained below)? I don't understand why I want to do this to myself and I was wondering if there is a name to what I am doing or if anyone has ever experienced this?

I hurt myself with self-destructive mannerisms and thoughts. I've failed my exams ON PURPOSE just to hurt myself/or fantasise about how sad I would feel when I fail my exam. In school, I used to let people beat me in running races. Another way to explain it is if a test consists of 10 multiple choice questions and I had to get 8 correct to pass the exam, I would only do 8 of the questions correctly even if I knew the answers to all 10 of them.

I am a whole different level of messed up, but I don't understand why I want to do this? I emphasise, want.
I don't want to commit suicide, nor have I self-harmed or anything like that, but I like screwing myself up in some way.


I think the last time I actually tried for anything and wanted to be the best version of myself was when I was 10 - I was competitive back then.


So what does this all mean? I am really trying to wrack my brain for answers but I don't have an explanation for this strange thing I do.
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