I think my dad supports honour killings....

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Anonymous #1
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umm so I just overheard my dad say he supports honour killings and now im scared because I am quite opinionated and have made it clear to them that I am not getting an arranged marriage etc.

and my parents were talking and I was overhearing because they talk a lot when im not there but when I come in they get silent so I just wanted to hear what they were saying which was probably wrong but I dont care after what I heard im just scared

what I heard my dad say is "I know people back home (in south asia) who have done honour killings and they did it for the right reasons" (he said this in my native language which is why it sounds a bit weird translated) but what?!!!!! my mum didn't even say anything in response to that and I got so scared I ran to my room and started typing this

like im probably overreacting but who says that and why didn't my mum say anything and im so scared

do I just do nothing and pretend I didn't hear or what do I doooo
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Abzzz57
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(Original post by Anonymous)
umm so I just overheard my dad say he supports honour killings and now im scared because I am quite opinionated and have made it clear to them that I am not getting an arranged marriage etc.

and my parents were talking and I was overhearing because they talk a lot when im not there but when I come in they get silent so I just wanted to hear what they were saying which was probably wrong but I dont care after what I heard im just scared

what I heard my dad say is "I know people back home (in south asia) who have done honour killings and they did it for the right reasons" (he said this in my native language which is why it sounds a bit weird translated) but what?!!!!! my mum didn't even say anything in response to that and I got so scared I ran to my room and started typing this

like im probably overreacting but who says that and why didn't my mum say anything and im so scared

do I just do nothing and pretend I didn't hear or what do I doooo
Hi, I'm sorry you overheard this! Depending on your relationship with your parents in may be worth either bringing it up casually in conversation or sitting down with them and bringing it up properly, and just finding out what exactly they were talking about.. is it possible you heard wrong?

Also, make sure you have an adult or friend who you can stay with if you ever feel unsafe! If you have any siblings maybe bring up the conversation when they are there as well.. stay safe and reach out to professionals if you feel it's getting to the point where it wouldn't be safe for you to mention that you are against arranged marriages!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Abzzz57)
Hi, I'm sorry you overheard this! Depending on your relationship with your parents in may be worth either bringing it up casually in conversation or sitting down with them and bringing it up properly, and just finding out what exactly they were talking about.. is it possible you heard wrong?

Also, make sure you have an adult or friend who you can stay with if you ever feel unsafe! If you have any siblings maybe bring up the conversation when they are there as well.. stay safe and reach out to professionals if you feel it's getting to the point where it wouldn't be safe for you to mention that you are against arranged marriages!
I don't really have a great relationship with my parents. We have different opinions on a lot of things, they have quite traditional views and get angry when I try to challenge them or offer a different view.

I wish I heard wrong... but I dont think I did due to what they were talking about before he said what he said.

I have an 10 year old sister I think she's a bit young to understand what this means and I dont want to scare her

thank you so much for replying and for your advice
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Abzzz57
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't really have a great relationship with my parents. We have different opinions on a lot of things, they have quite traditional views and get angry when I try to challenge them or offer a different view.

I wish I heard wrong... but I dont think I did due to what they were talking about before he said what he said.

I have an 10 year old sister I think she's a bit young to understand what this means and I dont want to scare her

thank you so much for replying and for your advice
Ah okay, it may be best to not bring it up for now then and just speak to someone you trust who may be able to offer you advice on what to do if it gets to the point where your life is in danger.. and yes definitely leave your sister out of it for now.. I hope you're okay!
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onceuponatime1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't really have a great relationship with my parents. We have different opinions on a lot of things, they have quite traditional views and get angry when I try to challenge them or offer a different view.

I wish I heard wrong... but I dont think I did due to what they were talking about before he said what he said.

I have an 10 year old sister I think she's a bit young to understand what this means and I dont want to scare her

thank you so much for replying and for your advice
I hate to scare you, but there are so many cases of people who die due to this ridiculous ideology of honour killing. It is absolutely crazy. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-37258853

If I were you, I would save up some money and if possible, move into student accommodation. You cannot live with people who hold these beliefs, as they ultimately become a detriment to your life. You may say to yourself that you care about them, but it is clear that their ideology is a threat to your existence, and you have every right to protect yourself. What I would do in your situation is move into student accommodation, and so once you get a well-paid job, rescue your sister and let her live with you while she does her studies. I know this sounds drastic, but all it takes is for you to read one article to understand the severity of this situation.

I am disgusted by how some humans adhere to this ideology of honour, and this all stems from religion and culture. Please make sure you do the right thing. By remaining in the hands of people who believe in such rubbish, they immediately become an existential threat to your life.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by onceuponatime1)
I hate to scare you, but there are so many cases of people who die due to this ridiculous ideology of honour killing. It is absolutely crazy. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-37258853

If I were you, I would save up some money and if possible, move into student accommodation. You cannot live with people who hold these beliefs, as they ultimately become a detriment to your life. You may say to yourself that you care about them, but it is clear that their ideology is a threat to your existence, and you have every right to protect yourself. What I would do in your situation is move into student accommodation, and so once you get a well-paid job, rescue your sister and let her live with you while she does her studies. I know this sounds drastic, but all it takes is for you to read one article to understand the severity of this situation.

I am disgusted by how some humans adhere to this ideology of honour, and this all stems from religion and culture. Please make sure you do the right thing. By remaining in the hands of people who believe in such rubbish, they immediately become an existential threat to your life.
I dont have a lot of savings - I pay for everything myself so I have a part time job but the money I get I have to use for school books/ lunch at school etc.
Don't you need to be 18 to move into student accommodation? I still have a couple of years until I turn 18 and I wouldnt know where to start looking for accomodation

After looking at real life cases of honour killings I think your right and I need to leave but I have no idea how. Also how do I explain to my parents that im moving out they would never allow it. It doesnt sound like a proper option as I wouldnt even know how to go about it... even though I really dont want to stay here anymore

I dont know what the right thing to do is.
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onceuponatime1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I dont have a lot of savings - I pay for everything myself so I have a part time job but the money I get I have to use for school books/ lunch at school etc.
Don't you need to be 18 to move into student accommodation? I still have a couple of years until I turn 18 and I wouldnt know where to start looking for accomodation

After looking at real life cases of honour killings I think your right and I need to leave but I have no idea how. Also how do I explain to my parents that im moving out they would never allow it. It doesnt sound like a proper option as I wouldnt even know how to go about it... even though I really dont want to stay here anymore

I dont know what the right thing to do is.
When you go to university, you can apply for a maintenance loan alongside your tuition loan. Depending on where you look for accommodation, your maintenance loan, alongside your part-time job, should be able to cover the expenses of the rent and other costs. I am going to move in to Helen Graham House in a week or two, and it costs £260 a week. With student accommodation, all of the usual household costs are covered by the rent, and so you do not have to pay anything extra for gas, electricity, water, heating and broadband. In fact, Helen Graham House has broadband speeds of up to 150mbps. Furthermore, it is an intercollegiate hall, and so if you go to any universities under the University of London, you can stay there. It is located in Bloomsbury, and is literally outside the British Museum, and so when you wake up, you wake up to this nice Roman empire sort of building; it is epic! In Bloomsbury, you have access to so many museums, galleries, theatres, green spaces, research institutes, good sources of food and also amazing healthcare.

This is my case. The rent costs £260 a week. My food, which is actual food plus multivitamins, costs £30 a week. My phone bill costs £3 a month (for unlimited minutes and texts, along with 250mb of data, bearing in mind that Helen Graham House already has broadband, and that in general, Bloomsbury has so many free wi-fi spots), transport is free because I cycle everywhere (so buying a bicycle with a memory foam saddle, alongside lights and mirrors, would be a one-time purchase of £250) and other costs, like books to read and gym membership, all come to a cost of £1200 a month, or £300 a week. My maintenance loan covers that easily during the academic year, which is 40 weeks.

Apply to a university that comes under the University of London collective, and just tell them that you have to move because it is too far of a commute. They should understand. If not, this is what you do.

You have a couple of years until you can go to university. Save as much money as you can from your part-time job, and buy these things:
- Suitcase (to pack everything in)
- Everyday bag (for me, this would be a laptop bag, where I would carry my laptop and e-reader)
- Tote bag (for me, this would contain my umbrella and a water bottle)
- Oral care (for me, this would be a tootbrush and a toothbrush case, toothpaste tablets, mouthwash tablets, mouthwash cup and also a retainer case)
- Cleaning products for your accommodation room (buy this once you get there, but this would be a surface spray to clean your work surfaces, as well as toilet tissue, facial tissue and also bleach, assuming you have an en-suite. My room, which is the £260 a week which I talked about, is en-suite, so this would apply to me. Also, I believe the accommodation place has a vacuum cleaner, so you do not have to buy one if they do have one.)
- Shower products (for me, this would be shampoo, conditioner, body wash, body scrub towel, 2 hand towels, 1 hair towel and 1 body towel, and also a roll-on deodrant)
- Skin care (for me, this would be a foaming facial cleanser, toner, moisturiser, eye gel, SPF, primer and foundation)
- Gym clothing (for me, this would be a compression top, compression bottom, running shoes and a weighted vest)
- Everyday clothing (for me, this would be boxers, socks, turtlenecks, trousers, a pair of everyday shoes, blazers and a coat)
- Tupperware for assorting food (I only eat nuts, seeds, pulses and vegetables, and so I assort these into food containers)

That is all I need in my life, as far as I am aware. In your case, make a list of everything you would need to take to live in student accommodation in the same way that I did, so that over the next couple of years, you can slowly purchase these things over time. To store your skin care products and others, you can buy packing cubes from somewhere like Away travel, where they sell it for £45 for a set of 4.

I understand you may have an issue with buying a suitcase, especially since your parents may come into your room and ask why you have one, and ultimately, they may become suspicious. That is why you should store everything in a tote bag for now (there are many you can buy, but I recommend you buy one from Ecosia, as they use organic, fairtrade and eco-friendly materials to manufacture their bags. Go on the Ecosia shop and you can see their tote bag designs, they look quite nice, and they cost £12 each. If that is too much, I believe Planet Organic sell organic cotton tote bags for £3.50, but they do not look as good.)

Worried about receiving deliveries? Buy everything in person. Away travel have a store in central London, and so just buy the packing cubes in store. You can buy all of your skincare in store (I buy it from the Body Shop for now, until I find a more ethical alternative). In fact, you can buy things from Amazon and have them delivered to Pick-up lockers near you, so you can simply visit the locker and collect it from there. That way, you do not have to worry about your parents seeing the things you buy. However, please make sure that what you buy from Amazon is sold by the actual manufacturer, and not a third party.

You can buy the suitcase when you get closer to moving. Also, do not feel bad about moving out, and do not feel bad because you are leaving them. I understand that you have to overcome the emotional barrier, as you have lived with them all your life, and so there is bound to be some sympathy to them. Nonetheless, you need to realise that they are an existential threat to your existence, and that over time, you will slowly forget about them, as you get to live an amazing new life in a nice area.

I hope everything works out!
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chopingirl
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You are in danger. Your opinions will only endanger you further so keep them to yourself and act the obedient subject they expect. Talk to the police and with their help plan to move permanently away from your parents. Your life and your sister's life depends on it. Are you a boy or a girl?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by chopingirl)
You are in danger. Your opinions will only endanger you further so keep them to yourself and act the obedient subject they expect. Talk to the police and with their help plan to move permanently away from your parents. Your life and your sister's life depends on it. Are you a boy or a girl?
I dont trust the police at all I think it will make things more complicated but thank you
and im a girl
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by onceuponatime1)
When you go to university, you can apply for a maintenance loan alongside your tuition loan. Depending on where you look for accommodation, your maintenance loan, alongside your part-time job, should be able to cover the expenses of the rent and other costs. I am going to move in to Helen Graham House in a week or two, and it costs £260 a week. With student accommodation, all of the usual household costs are covered by the rent, and so you do not have to pay anything extra for gas, electricity, water, heating and broadband. In fact, Helen Graham House has broadband speeds of up to 150mbps. Furthermore, it is an intercollegiate hall, and so if you go to any universities under the University of London, you can stay there. It is located in Bloomsbury, and is literally outside the British Museum, and so when you wake up, you wake up to this nice Roman empire sort of building; it is epic! In Bloomsbury, you have access to so many museums, galleries, theatres, green spaces, research institutes, good sources of food and also amazing healthcare.

This is my case. The rent costs £260 a week. My food, which is actual food plus multivitamins, costs £30 a week. My phone bill costs £3 a month (for unlimited minutes and texts, along with 250mb of data, bearing in mind that Helen Graham House already has broadband, and that in general, Bloomsbury has so many free wi-fi spots), transport is free because I cycle everywhere (so buying a bicycle with a memory foam saddle, alongside lights and mirrors, would be a one-time purchase of £250) and other costs, like books to read and gym membership, all come to a cost of £1200 a month, or £300 a week. My maintenance loan covers that easily during the academic year, which is 40 weeks.

Apply to a university that comes under the University of London collective, and just tell them that you have to move because it is too far of a commute. They should understand. If not, this is what you do.

You have a couple of years until you can go to university. Save as much money as you can from your part-time job, and buy these things:
- Suitcase (to pack everything in)
- Everyday bag (for me, this would be a laptop bag, where I would carry my laptop and e-reader)
- Tote bag (for me, this would contain my umbrella and a water bottle)
- Oral care (for me, this would be a tootbrush and a toothbrush case, toothpaste tablets, mouthwash tablets, mouthwash cup and also a retainer case)
- Cleaning products for your accommodation room (buy this once you get there, but this would be a surface spray to clean your work surfaces, as well as toilet tissue, facial tissue and also bleach, assuming you have an en-suite. My room, which is the £260 a week which I talked about, is en-suite, so this would apply to me. Also, I believe the accommodation place has a vacuum cleaner, so you do not have to buy one if they do have one.)
- Shower products (for me, this would be shampoo, conditioner, body wash, body scrub towel, 2 hand towels, 1 hair towel and 1 body towel, and also a roll-on deodrant)
- Skin care (for me, this would be a foaming facial cleanser, toner, moisturiser, eye gel, SPF, primer and foundation)
- Gym clothing (for me, this would be a compression top, compression bottom, running shoes and a weighted vest)
- Everyday clothing (for me, this would be boxers, socks, turtlenecks, trousers, a pair of everyday shoes, blazers and a coat)
- Tupperware for assorting food (I only eat nuts, seeds, pulses and vegetables, and so I assort these into food containers)

That is all I need in my life, as far as I am aware. In your case, make a list of everything you would need to take to live in student accommodation in the same way that I did, so that over the next couple of years, you can slowly purchase these things over time. To store your skin care products and others, you can buy packing cubes from somewhere like Away travel, where they sell it for £45 for a set of 4.

I understand you may have an issue with buying a suitcase, especially since your parents may come into your room and ask why you have one, and ultimately, they may become suspicious. That is why you should store everything in a tote bag for now (there are many you can buy, but I recommend you buy one from Ecosia, as they use organic, fairtrade and eco-friendly materials to manufacture their bags. Go on the Ecosia shop and you can see their tote bag designs, they look quite nice, and they cost £12 each. If that is too much, I believe Planet Organic sell organic cotton tote bags for £3.50, but they do not look as good.)

Worried about receiving deliveries? Buy everything in person. Away travel have a store in central London, and so just buy the packing cubes in store. You can buy all of your skincare in store (I buy it from the Body Shop for now, until I find a more ethical alternative). In fact, you can buy things from Amazon and have them delivered to Pick-up lockers near you, so you can simply visit the locker and collect it from there. That way, you do not have to worry about your parents seeing the things you buy. However, please make sure that what you buy from Amazon is sold by the actual manufacturer, and not a third party.

You can buy the suitcase when you get closer to moving. Also, do not feel bad about moving out, and do not feel bad because you are leaving them. I understand that you have to overcome the emotional barrier, as you have lived with them all your life, and so there is bound to be some sympathy to them. Nonetheless, you need to realise that they are an existential threat to your existence, and that over time, you will slowly forget about them, as you get to live an amazing new life in a nice area.

I hope everything works out!
Wow.
Thank you so so much
I appreciate all the details
You have helped me so much and I will definitely start preparing now and follow what you said
Thank you
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
umm so I just overheard my dad say he supports honour killings and now im scared because I am quite opinionated and have made it clear to them that I am not getting an arranged marriage etc.

and my parents were talking and I was overhearing because they talk a lot when im not there but when I come in they get silent so I just wanted to hear what they were saying which was probably wrong but I dont care after what I heard im just scared

what I heard my dad say is "I know people back home (in south asia) who have done honour killings and they did it for the right reasons" (he said this in my native language which is why it sounds a bit weird translated) but what?!!!!! my mum didn't even say anything in response to that and I got so scared I ran to my room and started typing this

like im probably overreacting but who says that and why didn't my mum say anything and im so scared

do I just do nothing and pretend I didn't hear or what do I doooo
I'm assuming you're Muslim and are of Pakistani or Indian descent..? I know that the idea of honour killings are so common and have somewhat been normalised in the eyes of the older generation, and unfortunately your dad (maybe) does agree with it.

From a Muslim and Pakistani standpoint, I would honestly advise you to take it to an Islamic Scholar - maybe an Imam at your local mosque who could talk it through with your dad and explain to him that this mindset is wrong. I also understand your dilemma with not being able to tell the police about it - many attempts have been made to contact the police in previous honour killings, but no action had been taken place in time. However, I do think you should go to the police if your situation does become worse, and you know that something bad is going to happen to you or any of your family members.

I'm not completely sure about your parents, but I do know that many south asian parents are not comfortable with the idea of their daughter "moving out" even for university.. so I would honestly double check if they're happy with you to move out if you were given the opportunity - maybe bring it up in casual conversation about your future plans.

If your fears do end up being true, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this - no girl should feel scared about something like that, especially from her own parents. I really do hope you figure out a way around this, and feel free to contact me again if you need any more advice xx
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onceuponatime1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm assuming you're Muslim and are of Pakistani or Indian descent..? I know that the idea of honour killings are so common and have somewhat been normalised in the eyes of the older generation, and unfortunately your dad (maybe) does agree with it.

From a Muslim and Pakistani standpoint, I would honestly advise you to take it to an Islamic Scholar - maybe an Imam at your local mosque who could talk it through with your dad and explain to him that this mindset is wrong. I also understand your dilemma with not being able to tell the police about it - many attempts have been made to contact the police in previous honour killings, but no action had been taken place in time. However, I do think you should go to the police if your situation does become worse, and you know that something bad is going to happen to you or any of your family members.

I'm not completely sure about your parents, but I do know that many south asian parents are not comfortable with the idea of their daughter "moving out" even for university.. so I would honestly double check if they're happy with you to move out if you were given the opportunity - maybe bring it up in casual conversation about your future plans.

If your fears do end up being true, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this - no girl should feel scared about something like that, especially from her own parents. I really do hope you figure out a way around this, and feel free to contact me again if you need any more advice xx
I am sorry but there is no reason for her to need permission to move out. All of us of age are independent and self-determining, and so her parents should not be required to "be happy" about her decisions. Bear in mind that I am not having a go at you at all; I just believe that she should focus on herself as opposed to being oppressed and making choices that fit her parents' vision.
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Plantagenet Crown
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Please be careful. Don’t do or say anything that might get your parents to behead you. You might have to keep your opinions to yourself until you have your own salary and accommodation and then you can live your own life away from them. Always eavesdrop and make sure they’re not planning to kill you.
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Scottishlad888
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I dont have a lot of savings - I pay for everything myself so I have a part time job but the money I get I have to use for school books/ lunch at school etc.
Don't you need to be 18 to move into student accommodation? I still have a couple of years until I turn 18 and I wouldnt know where to start looking for accomodation

After looking at real life cases of honour killings I think your right and I need to leave but I have no idea how. Also how do I explain to my parents that im moving out they would never allow it. It doesnt sound like a proper option as I wouldnt even know how to go about it... even though I really dont want to stay here anymore

I dont know what the right thing to do is.
Walk into your local police station they will get you all the help you need to get away and you will get a nice new place to stay
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Anonymous #3
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oof i feel you! my dad once said that all those women in hollywood who get raped ask for it because of the way they dressed. that scared the living **** out of me.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm assuming you're Muslim and are of Pakistani or Indian descent..? I know that the idea of honour killings are so common and have somewhat been normalised in the eyes of the older generation, and unfortunately your dad (maybe) does agree with it.

From a Muslim and Pakistani standpoint, I would honestly advise you to take it to an Islamic Scholar - maybe an Imam at your local mosque who could talk it through with your dad and explain to him that this mindset is wrong. I also understand your dilemma with not being able to tell the police about it - many attempts have been made to contact the police in previous honour killings, but no action had been taken place in time. However, I do think you should go to the police if your situation does become worse, and you know that something bad is going to happen to you or any of your family members.

I'm not completely sure about your parents, but I do know that many south asian parents are not comfortable with the idea of their daughter "moving out" even for university.. so I would honestly double check if they're happy with you to move out if you were given the opportunity - maybe bring it up in casual conversation about your future plans.

If your fears do end up being true, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this - no girl should feel scared about something like that, especially from her own parents. I really do hope you figure out a way around this, and feel free to contact me again if you need any more advice xx
Yes my family are muslim and Pakistani and I know they won't be happy with me moving out for uni. But its the only chance I can see myself escaping with.

I dont think taking my dad to an islamic scholar will change his mind.. he will most likely pretend to agree with the scholar so he is seen as good but then in reality his mind won't change if that makes sense. I feel like he'll do this because he always acts different to people who are not a part of our family so they get the impression he is a good person but then at home talks bad about a lot of things

Thank you for the advice
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by onceuponatime1)
I am sorry but there is no reason for her to need permission to move out. All of us of age are independent and self-determining, and so her parents should not be required to "be happy" about her decisions. Bear in mind that I am not having a go at you at all; I just believe that she should focus on herself as opposed to being oppressed and making choices that fit her parents' vision.
I agree with you
but I think the person who said this is saying it because they know what south asian parents are like. It's not easy being myself or focusing on myself in a family who could think I am dishonouring them and I dont want to risk saying or doing the wrong thing.

So I think if I just move out quickly before they have time to process it would be the best option
I still have time to figure out how I will move out without them stopping me
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Scottishlad888)
Walk into your local police station they will get you all the help you need to get away and you will get a nice new place to stay
I don't think thats a good idea. the police don't care.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
oof i feel you! my dad once said that all those women in hollywood who get raped ask for it because of the way they dressed. that scared the living **** out of me.
that is horrible! I'm so sorry you had to hear that.
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OxFossil
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I agree with you
but I think the person who said this is saying it because they know what south asian parents are like. It's not easy being myself or focusing on myself in a family who could think I am dishonouring them and I dont want to risk saying or doing the wrong thing.

So I think if I just move out quickly before they have time to process it would be the best option
I still have time to figure out how I will move out without them stopping me
This organisation has advice and a helpline. I've no experience with it myself, but it is funded by reputable organisations. Might be good to talk it over anonymously?

https://www.haloproject.org.uk/
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