I want to move out but too scared to ask my parents

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fatima1998
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Hi,
So in September i'll be in year 2 computer science. I live about 45 to an hour away from university so i commute everyday. In September, i have decided (in my head) to move out for the next 2 years and work there too (job) and live there as well. So everything will be there.
I have recently paid the deposit of the studio apartment i have decided to get. I am too scared to even let my parents know that i have paid the deposit. Financially wise, I'll be paying the rent so no pressure on them.
I have my own car too.
Religiously wise, I am Muslim and have very strict parents, i dont know how to approach them. I do want independency but they take that in the wrong way as if i am going to do something silly which i have never and never thought of. i am 21 years old so i do take my career seriously and looking for work experience in my field and internships.
I am just not sure how to approach them as my voice shakes even me saying anything in defense.
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kiqbal000
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I was in the exact same position just a few months ago. My parents think the same way, like they don’t trust me, they think I’m going to do stuff I shouldn’t be doing. But the way I sort of convinced them, I made it clear that in order for them to build trust and for me to gain independence is if they let me do this. I explained that I won’t move too far, I’ll always be in touch, and that I wouldn’t dare to do other things that are haram. Also, when you say strict, is it due to culture? For example, my parents are Pakistani, and I know a lot of Pakistani families would be the same way. Islamically, they should trust you, it is your life after all
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fatima1998
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(Original post by kiqbal000)
I was in the exact same position just a few months ago. My parents think the same way, like they don’t trust me, they think I’m going to do stuff I shouldn’t be doing. But the way I sort of convinced them, I made it clear that in order for them to build trust and for me to gain independence is if they let me do this. I explained that I won’t move too far, I’ll always be in touch, and that I wouldn’t dare to do other things that are haram. Also, when you say strict, is it due to culture? For example, my parents are Pakistani, and I know a lot of Pakistani families would be the same way. Islamically, they should trust you, it is your life after all
Yes, They are Pakistani. My parents have no trust even when i am in the house and its hard to breathe. Hence i just want to move out just to have a peace of mind than have to deal with their suspicious thoughts which i dont even think of. I am independent financially but when it comes to living out i am too afraid to ask its like i prepare myself in my head but can't let me thoughts out. Right now i am very anxious and restless
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RogerOxon
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(Original post by fatima1998)
Hi,
So in September i'll be in year 2 computer science. I live about 45 to an hour away from university so i commute everyday. In September, i have decided (in my head) to move out for the next 2 years and work there too (job) and live there as well. So everything will be there.
I have recently paid the deposit of the studio apartment i have decided to get. I am too scared to even let my parents know that i have paid the deposit. Financially wise, I'll be paying the rent so no pressure on them.
I have my own car too.
Religiously wise, I am Muslim and have very strict parents, i dont know how to approach them. I do want independency but they take that in the wrong way as if i am going to do something silly which i have never and never thought of. i am 21 years old so i do take my career seriously and looking for work experience in my field and internships.
I am just not sure how to approach them as my voice shakes even me saying anything in defense.
You're an adult, so don't need their permission. It's up to them how they handle you being an adult, but it doesn't change fact.
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fatima1998
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(Original post by RogerOxon)
You're an adult, so don't need their permission. It's up to them how they handle you being an adult, but it doesn't change fact.
I am controlled by my parents. Even if i want to do it i struggle too i get anxious like so many thoughts goes in my mind but sharing with my parents is not possible. we dont even communicate on daily basis
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kiqbal000
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I know how hard this must be for you. I really do. I struggled to build up the courage to talk to them, and they could see I was upset with the way I was feeling and how uncomfortable I was. But once I got through to them, they backed down because they saw how much it means to me. Take your own time in finding the right way to see it and the right time to talk to them
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fatima1998
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(Original post by kiqbal000)
I know how hard this must be for you. I really do. I struggled to build up the courage to talk to them, and they could see I was upset with the way I was feeling and how uncomfortable I was. But once I got through to them, they backed down because they saw how much it means to me. Take your own time in finding the right way to see it and the right time to talk to them
Yeah i guess. Like i put my dad as a guarantor and he have received emails about doing his part but he hasn't asked me about it at all. i dont even know how to approach it. like i have approached to this situation in my head but not in reality; because despite what i say, they have the answers to everything to the point where i dont even know what to say.
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kiqbal000
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(Original post by fatima1998)
Yeah i guess. Like i put my dad as a guarantor and he have received emails about doing his part but he hasn't asked me about it at all. i dont even know how to approach it. like i have approached to this situation in my head but not in reality; because despite what i say, they have the answers to everything to the point where i dont even know what to say.
Does your dad regularly check his emails? If he does, he may have seen it and is either waiting for you to speak up or he’s okay with it, either way you should tell him anyway ofc. When was the last time you tried to speak to them about something like this?
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fatima1998
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(Original post by kiqbal000)
Does your dad regularly check his emails? If he does, he may have seen it and is either waiting for you to speak up or he’s okay with it, either way you should tell him anyway ofc. When was the last time you tried to speak to them about something like this?
i have never spoken about this to them. because they always have controlled me so thing like this wouldnt even come to my mind to speak about but now i am mentally tired to live in the house hence planning to move out.
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SoulfulTwist
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You just have to say it as it is. The commute is effort, you want a job and want to be independant but other than that nothing has changed.
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onceuponatime1
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(Original post by fatima1998)
i have never spoken about this to them. because they always have controlled me so thing like this wouldnt even come to my mind to speak about but now i am mentally tired to live in the house hence planning to move out.
They have always controlled you? That is oppression. What kind of a rubbish culture treats people like this? Just tell them that it is better for you to move out, as commuting is too tiring. That is a valid reason. You are an adult. If they cannot accept that you want to be on your own, then so be it. They cannot do anything to you. The fact that you have to explain why you want to move out shows how pathetic this Islamic/Pakistani culture is.
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Muttley79
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(Original post by fatima1998)
i have never spoken about this to them. because they always have controlled me so thing like this wouldnt even come to my mind to speak about but now i am mentally tired to live in the house hence planning to move out.
You need to say something along the lines of you need to be nearer do you can get to the library more easily and see tutors for help. Base your reasons around your degree.

Do you have a Student Loan because you are entitled to more if you aren't living at home?
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fatima1998
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(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
You just have to say it as it is. The commute is effort, you want a job and want to be independant but other than that nothing has changed.
i know it is so much effort i did foundation year too so its been 2 years and now the study is getting harder so i get physically tired to drive.
(Original post by onceuponatime1)
They have always controlled you? That is oppression. What kind of a rubbish culture treats people like this? Just tell them that it is better for you to move out, as commuting is too tiring. That is a valid reason. You are an adult. If they cannot accept that you want to be on your own, then so be it. They cannot do anything to you. The fact that you have to explain why you want to move out shows how pathetic this Islamic/Pakistani culture is.
my parents dont represent the culture. they just have their own mindset which is pathetic to be honest. I know people from the same background and their parents support them fully. i just have to tell them. it is what it is!
(Original post by Muttley79)
You need to say something along the lines of you need to be nearer do you can get to the library more easily and see tutors for help. Base your reasons around your degree.

Do you have a Student Loan because you are entitled to more if you aren't living at home?
I do have student loan but it is for living with parents student loan. thats how i'll be paying for my studio
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Scottishlad888
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Move into your new place and write a letter to your parents and let them know you have your own place now dont let them know where you are staying just now they can talk with you on the phone first they cant force you back home if they do you have to call the police on them you are 21 and they cant force you to marry who they wish you to marry as thats against the law
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onceuponatime1
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(Original post by fatima1998)
i know it is so much effort i did foundation year too so its been 2 years and now the study is getting harder so i get physically tired to drive.

my parents dont represent the culture. they just have their own mindset which is pathetic to be honest. I know people from the same background and their parents support them fully. i just have to tell them. it is what it is!

I do have student loan but it is for living with parents student loan. thats how i'll be paying for my studio
Yep, that is the mindset to have. My view is that every human on this planet is autonomous, independent and self-determining, and in order for you to be free, you need to isolate yourself from people with the mindset of your parents. Ultimately, they are degrading your psychological well-being.
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SoulfulTwist
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(Original post by fatima1998)
i know it is so much effort i did foundation year too so its been 2 years and now the study is getting harder so i get physically tired to drive.

my parents dont represent the culture. they just have their own mindset which is pathetic to be honest. I know people from the same background and their parents support them fully. i just have to tell them. it is what it is!

I do have student loan but it is for living with parents student loan. thats how i'll be paying for my studio
You just need to list all the reasons you want to move out in a decent wise manner and appeal to their senses in whatever way works with them
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kiqbal000
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(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
You just have to say it as it is. The commute is effort, you want a job and want to be independant but other than that nothing has changed.
Yeah, say this, it’s as honest as you can get. From what you said, the commute sounds awfully long to be doing everyday.
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black tea
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(Original post by fatima1998)
Yeah i guess. Like i put my dad as a guarantor and he have received emails about doing his part but he hasn't asked me about it at all. i dont even know how to approach it. like i have approached to this situation in my head but not in reality; because despite what i say, they have the answers to everything to the point where i dont even know what to say.
You can start off by asking your dad if he has received the emails about being your guarantor, and then go on to explain why you are planning to move out (i.e. the thing you have written here about being tired from commuting and so on).
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TheProphetsPath
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(Original post by fatima1998)
Hi,
So in September i'll be in year 2 computer science. I live about 45 to an hour away from university so i commute everyday. In September, i have decided (in my head) to move out for the next 2 years and work there too (job) and live there as well. So everything will be there.
I have recently paid the deposit of the studio apartment i have decided to get. I am too scared to even let my parents know that i have paid the deposit. Financially wise, I'll be paying the rent so no pressure on them.
I have my own car too.
Religiously wise, I am Muslim and have very strict parents, i dont know how to approach them. I do want independency but they take that in the wrong way as if i am going to do something silly which i have never and never thought of. i am 21 years old so i do take my career seriously and looking for work experience in my field and internships.
I am just not sure how to approach them as my voice shakes even me saying anything in defense.
Personally, living on my own is hard dude. I could’ve saved so much money and not miss my family. But, congrats on passing first year computer science!
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fatima1998
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(Original post by TheProphetsPath)
Personally, living on my own is hard dude. I could’ve saved so much money and not miss my family. But, congrats on passing first year computer science!
haha are u male? because for males it is always difficult but i like to be independent so for me its not biggy
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