I cheated without knowing

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Anonymous #1
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*For context, I'm talking about a scenario that happened this time last year and away from risks with covid.*

Last year I was at a house party and my boyfriend took me to bed as I was getting tired. He said he'd stay with me a while.

I was woken up by kissing on the back of my neck (like how my boyfriend does) and thought it was quite hot we were at a party about about to have sex (totally outside my comfort zone). I remember him whispering, asking if I was ok to have sex/I was able to consent and I said yes. We had sex not facing each other for the first time.

Turns out, it wasn't my boyfriend and rather someone at the party who just happened to have a similar build to him. I was mortified and so upset, but I kept it to myself all this time. I'm still with my boyfriend, and we were long-term even before this event. I love him and would never want to hurt him. I have two girlfriends who told me not to say anything because it would cause unnecessary pain as I didn't seek to cheat.

I'm convinced he's the person I will get married to (I'm not some dewey-eyed school girl, we're talking late twenties).

Would you want to be told? / Would you say something?
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Fermion.
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Bit of a tricky one there. It’s been a year so would be pointless telling him now.
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Atafah
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This sounds like a terrible situation, but it shows the dangers of partying and alcohol.

I am sorry this happened hun
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cheerIeader
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It's fine.

Just deny, deny, deny, hunny.
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SoulfulTwist
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That's something you do not mention, you forget ever happened
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Anonymous #2
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how did you found out it wasn't your boyfriend?
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cheerIeader
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(Original post by Anonymous)
how did you found out it wasn't your boyfriend?
He was clearly MUCH hotter.
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becausethenight
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Bit tricky as above. How do you feel - is it making you feel guilty, for example? My instinct would be to just try to forget about it since it was so long ago and your partner doesn't need to know, but it seems like you're worrying about it (seeing as you needed to post about it!) If it would make you feel better and less stressed to tell him it may be worth it.
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londonmyst
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That scenario is not cheating, cheating requires the intent to cheat and dishonesty.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Fermion.)
Bit of a tricky one there. It’s been a year so would be pointless telling him now.
See this is what I think. I don't feel overly guilty in a way because I genuinely didn't mean to. I know it's cheating because it's with someone else but I didn't do it knowingly so in a way I don't feel the emotional guilt that otherwise I should if it were intentional. It was around this time last year which is why it's back in my mind.
(Original post by Atafah)
This sounds like a terrible situation, but it shows the dangers of partying and alcohol.

I am sorry this happened hun
It does. I am confident I was able to give consent fully, but I gave consent thinking it was my boyfriend. No way the other guy would have known that. Thank you for that. It's not a nice thing.
(Original post by cheerIeader)
It's fine.

Just deny, deny, deny, hunny.
Nothing to deny, no reason it would come up! Just wondered what wider opinions were.
(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
That's something you do not mention, you forget ever happened
Yes I think it's best not to mention it... I'm angry it happened, but it's not something that I always feel, just when I think about the circumstances in which it happened.


Thank you everyone for your replies!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
how did you found out it wasn't your boyfriend?
I was front down lying down so never saw his face until he finished and laid on the bed next to me where I then turned to him and saw his face.
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username5397146
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i would want to know. if you deny and it eventually comes out; you're done. you're gonna look guilty. worst case scenario if you tell him; hes gonna try find the guy, give up and forget about it after a week.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by becausethenight)
Bit tricky as above. How do you feel - is it making you feel guilty, for example? My instinct would be to just try to forget about it since it was so long ago and your partner doesn't need to know, but it seems like you're worrying about it (seeing as you needed to post about it!) If it would make you feel better and less stressed to tell him it may be worth it.
It doesn't make me feel guilty no. Sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling guilty, but I didn't set out to do that. I set out to have sex with my boyfriend, it just happened it wasn't him and I wasn't knowledgeable of this until after. If I was aware I would have stopped it/not said yes.

Posting it to ask opinions I guess. It was this time last year (ish anyway) so it came to mind. Thanks for this feedback. Seems most on here agree with you and my initial thoughts.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
*For context, I'm talking about a scenario that happened this time last year and away from risks with covid.*

Last year I was at a house party and my boyfriend took me to bed as I was getting tired. He said he'd stay with me a while.

I was woken up by kissing on the back of my neck (like how my boyfriend does) and thought it was quite hot we were at a party about about to have sex (totally outside my comfort zone). I remember him whispering, asking if I was ok to have sex/I was able to consent and I said yes. We had sex not facing each other for the first time.

Turns out, it wasn't my boyfriend and rather someone at the party who just happened to have a similar build to him. I was mortified and so upset, but I kept it to myself all this time. I'm still with my boyfriend, and we were long-term even before this event. I love him and would never want to hurt him. I have two girlfriends who told me not to say anything because it would cause unnecessary pain as I didn't seek to cheat.

I'm convinced he's the person I will get married to (I'm not some dewey-eyed school girl, we're talking late twenties).

Would you want to be told? / Would you say something?
I'm sorry to break it to you hon but this isn't cheating, it's rape. Having sex with someone without their proper consent is sexual assault and as this monster got into bed with you when you were sleeping and started physically assaulting you, and you didn't know he wasn't your boyfriend, that is categorically an assault. Think about what you want to do but in the first instance, consider reporting him (if you know who it was) to the police. I know it was a long time ago but think about the circumstances of, for example, that creep in Stanford and other similar crimes that have been proven years after the event. And think about telling your boyfriend. It will be a difficult conversation but in that context - that you were the victim of a horrific and insidious assault - he should understand. The fact this is still on your mind a year later means it is an unresolved issue and at the very least, consider having counselling. Good luck x
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by londonmyst)
That scenario is not cheating, cheating requires the intent to cheat and dishonesty.
See, I feel it isn't cheating either but then become concerned it is and I'm pretending it's not. Can't think what it would be, because obviously I've been physically with someone else. It doesn't even feel like that as I felt I was physically with my boyfriend, the person who I thought I was experiencing that with until afterwards when I found out it wasn't. It is an odd one!!
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Chopinnocturne31
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Why was this random guy kissing your neck while you were asleep though? 🤨🤨 creepy if you ask me...
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Anonymous #4
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If it's been a year since and you're still thinking about it/asking for advice on here, I'd say tell him. Hopefully there's enough trust between you two that he will understand and be fine (ish) with it because you had no intent to knowingly cheat. Especially if you see a future with him, then you don't want this on your conscious for the rest of your life.
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becausethenight
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It doesn't make me feel guilty no. Sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling guilty, but I didn't set out to do that. I set out to have sex with my boyfriend, it just happened it wasn't him and I wasn't knowledgeable of this until after. If I was aware I would have stopped it/not said yes.

Posting it to ask opinions I guess. It was this time last year (ish anyway) so it came to mind. Thanks for this feedback. Seems most on here agree with you and my initial thoughts.
In that case I would leave it then, yeah. As I think other people have said this isn't cheating, it's a really sad mistake. If you're OK, just move on :hugs:

Hate to ask this also but - hope you got checked for STDs etc after this (just as worth considering and could yet mean it comes up as some can be asymptomatic)? No need to discuss if you're not comfortable
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xoxAngel_Kxox
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I think that's sexual assault actually. He might have asked for your consent but if you have reason to believe it was your partner, and not this other guy, he clearly didn't make it obvious who he was.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
I think that's sexual assault actually. He might have asked for your consent but if you have reason to believe it was your partner, and not this other guy, he clearly didn't make it obvious who he was.
You're absolutely right, it is. He didn't ask for consent before kissing you and getting into bed with you. That is textbook assault.
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