Anonymous #1
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My mum...Where do I begin; something happens in the family, she’ll be on the phone by the night telling the extended family our business, but downplays her faults and exaggerates on ours. This literally is so embarrassing because next time we see our extended family they just look at us in disgust. Indirectly says something as I walk past which literally FRAZZLES MY BRAIN because I’m ngl I do lose it a lot of the times and find it hard to ignore what she says. I feel like I’ve lost so much respect over these last few months for her. I do swear at her which I feel bad about in the end but she just doesn’t stop screaming and shouting. Even when I’m not speaking to her anymore, she’ll say something and carry on screaming and swearing and calling me every horrible name to exist hence why I do lose it and swear. Yes that is absolutely wrong of me but the way she goes on and on and on I find it sooooo hard to just sit in my room and ignore. The things she screams about too is so stupid that she could of just said it nicely?

I know in Islam & in general I should respect my mother, but idk how I can with her. Every-time I hear her on the phone to extended family she’s telling them of what fight had just happened and exaggerates on everything we did. If she had started the fight...she would tell them “all I said was —- and my daughter lost it” funny how the rest of her family side all just take her side hence I don’t even want to associate myself with them anymore because no one listens.
Me not talking to her helps me stay in my own bubble and away from saying anything bad. But she’ll see me walk past and swear or bring up something I did 10 years ago and tell everyone about it. Everytime I catch her lying on the phone saying she did nothing..I just say “why are you lying tell the truth about what you did” quietly, and she’ll say loudly while on the phone “omg look how she’s screaming”????!!! I feel as if she gaslights everything, plays the victim with her side of the family yet once she’s home she’s back to the way she is.

We have had good times, but that doesn’t last long. This past few months I haven’t been talking to her but she goes on and on!!!!!!!!! I just need advice on what I can do especially from Islamic point of view. I know I am in the wrong for swearing and talking back may Allah forgive me but I find it difficult to not say anything it’s something I need to change.
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nightingalegend
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hi, i’m muslim too so i get the situation. my mother’s not like this, she’s quite reserved and private actually, but i have had issues with my dad so hopefully i can give advice.

firstly you have to learn how to control your anger — the Prophet (SAW) told us that if you are standing, sit down, if you are sitting, lie down, and if you are lying down, go do wuduu to calm down. also in islam even if your mother is pushing you to do haram, you respect her but do not obey her in that specific case.

if she’s verbally abusing you, pray for her and ask Allah to forgive her. it’d be good to say to her, in a voice as calm as possible, “may Allah guide you” which could bring her to her senses or relay your point without it being disrespectful.

i’m a bit of a hypocrite here because i sometimes have a go at my family too, but who doesn’t? all you can do is try your best, it takes an almost superhuman temper to put up with toxic parents and Allah doesn’t ask you to do the impossible. treat her well, help her out, care for her, but keep your distance as well and try not to cross paths with her too much. that’s the best you can do.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by nightingalegend)
hi, i’m muslim too so i get the situation. my mother’s not like this, she’s quite reserved and private actually, but i have had issues with my dad so hopefully i can give advice.

firstly you have to learn how to control your anger — the Prophet (SAW) told us that if you are standing, sit down, if you are sitting, lie down, and if you are lying down, go do wuduu to calm down. also in islam even if your mother is pushing you to do haram, you respect her but do not obey her in that specific case.

if she’s verbally abusing you, pray for her and ask Allah to forgive her. it’d be good to say to her, in a voice as calm as possible, “may Allah guide you” which could bring her to her senses or relay your point without it being disrespectful.

i’m a bit of a hypocrite here because i sometimes have a go at my family too, but who doesn’t? all you can do is try your best, it takes an almost superhuman temper to put up with toxic parents and Allah doesn’t ask you to do the impossible. treat her well, help her out, care for her, but keep your distance as well and try not to cross paths with her too much. that’s the best you can do.
This is amazing thank you so much sister. It is tough to keep quiet. Even while I’m ignoring which she knows she carries on pushing my buttons! A lot of the time makes up stories in her favour and because of that I shout back to defend. I don’t know how I can even respect a person like this because it has gone on long enough but always making it out like we are the ones causing the problems. It’s embarrassing to the point where I can’t even go to extended family house from her side because she has embarrassed us all making it out like we are the only bad ones. Yes I always try to remember advice about moving away when angry by the Prophet SAW, But difficult when she comes right next to my room door to say things indirectly provoking a reaction, and I guess when she does get a reaction then it’s her win. I just don’t know how else I can avoid this because at the same time I am gaining soo much sins. I wish I could just move away but I am young and have no money.
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SoulfulTwist
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I am not going to give you an Islamic perspective, rather what I would any human as it still applies.

- Try speaking to her in a calm and wise manner
- Try to speak with your family members like siblings and father regarding the matter
- 'Suck up' (for lack of the correct word) to your mother and avoid fights. Sucking up to your mother is going to be your best bet here IMO as she will find it hard to say horrid things about you the nicer you are to her
- Remember everyone knows there are always 2 sides to a story
- Stop caring what the rest of the extended family think, once they get to see you they'll understand you are not like that. And if they do not, sod them
- Maybe your mother just needs something to complain about to others, otherwise she will habe nothing 'interesting' to say
- Be the better person, shouting or swearing at parents just makes you look bad in their eyes and for mothers like yours just fuels them. Find a way to channel your anger to something useful and productive instead.
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Ki Yung Na
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In Islam it does say respect you parents. But if they’re malicious (act unmuslim) it’s written that you have to strive against the malice.

I’m not saying your mother is a bad person. But to be a true Muslim (mu’meen) you have to be a person of good dignity and behaviour at all times, to the best of your ability. Anyone who isn’t can be suggested to be a “munafiq”/“hypocrite” — it’s explicitly stated these are the worst of people and hate Muslim (good people).

Be as accommodating as you can to your mum and pray for god to ease your situation. When the time comes if you’re smart about educating yourself (and I’m not saying go be a dr), you will be able to handle her and anyone else who acts or behaves difficult. I’m sure god will bless you with easier or better; as far as people is concerned.

I’ll even make dua for you. It is difficult to have difficult parents. But sometimes; that’s just a test or shapeshifter for your future possibilities. Keep faith. You’ll be okay, god willing. Good luck.
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decaprisun
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I mean my dad did this quite alot in front of other relatives, so i recorded him and make a 30min compilation from a month of verbal abuse. He reflected on it and was like super apologetic and since then he's kinda toned it down but I play it from time to time whenever he starts getting mad because it's like the ultimate defence.

You don't want to fight fire with fire instead you need to find a way to apply ice. Make your mom aware of this toxic behaviour
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My mum...Where do I begin; something happens in the family, she’ll be on the phone by the night telling the extended family our business, but downplays her faults and exaggerates on ours. This literally is so embarrassing because next time we see our extended family they just look at us in disgust. Indirectly says something as I walk past which literally FRAZZLES MY BRAIN because I’m ngl I do lose it a lot of the times and find it hard to ignore what she says. I feel like I’ve lost so much respect over these last few months for her. I do swear at her which I feel bad about in the end but she just doesn’t stop screaming and shouting. Even when I’m not speaking to her anymore, she’ll say something and carry on screaming and swearing and calling me every horrible name to exist hence why I do lose it and swear. Yes that is absolutely wrong of me but the way she goes on and on and on I find it sooooo hard to just sit in my room and ignore. The things she screams about too is so stupid that she could of just said it nicely?

I know in Islam & in general I should respect my mother, but idk how I can with her. Every-time I hear her on the phone to extended family she’s telling them of what fight had just happened and exaggerates on everything we did. If she had started the fight...she would tell them “all I said was —- and my daughter lost it” funny how the rest of her family side all just take her side hence I don’t even want to associate myself with them anymore because no one listens.
Me not talking to her helps me stay in my own bubble and away from saying anything bad. But she’ll see me walk past and swear or bring up something I did 10 years ago and tell everyone about it. Everytime I catch her lying on the phone saying she did nothing..I just say “why are you lying tell the truth about what you did” quietly, and she’ll say loudly while on the phone “omg look how she’s screaming”????!!! I feel as if she gaslights everything, plays the victim with her side of the family yet once she’s home she’s back to the way she is.

We have had good times, but that doesn’t last long. This past few months I haven’t been talking to her but she goes on and on!!!!!!!!! I just need advice on what I can do especially from Islamic point of view. I know I am in the wrong for swearing and talking back may Allah forgive me but I find it difficult to not say anything it’s something I need to change.
This not a problem of you/r mother being a Muslim. This is a common human problem. The way you wrote the title makes it look like that it applies to every muslim mom.
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nightingalegend
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This is amazing thank you so much sister. It is tough to keep quiet. Even while I’m ignoring which she knows she carries on pushing my buttons! A lot of the time makes up stories in her favour and because of that I shout back to defend. I don’t know how I can even respect a person like this because it has gone on long enough but always making it out like we are the ones causing the problems. It’s embarrassing to the point where I can’t even go to extended family house from her side because she has embarrassed us all making it out like we are the only bad ones. Yes I always try to remember advice about moving away when angry by the Prophet SAW, But difficult when she comes right next to my room door to say things indirectly provoking a reaction, and I guess when she does get a reaction then it’s her win. I just don’t know how else I can avoid this because at the same time I am gaining soo much sins. I wish I could just move away but I am young and have no money.
i understand, it’s extremely tough. just remember that Allah doesn’t ask us to do more than we are capable of.
Last edited by nightingalegend; 2 days ago
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nightingalegend
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This not a problem of you/r mother being a Muslim. This is a common human problem. The way you wrote the title makes it look like that it applies to every muslim mom.
i think OP asked in this way to attract advice mainly from muslims on dealing with a toxic mother from an islamic perspective. in islam great emphasis is placed respecting your mother, so we have to deal with scenarios like this differently to non-muslims.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This not a problem of you/r mother being a Muslim. This is a common human problem. The way you wrote the title makes it look like that it applies to every muslim mom.
That’s not how I meant it. I wrote Muslim because I was looking for advice from the Islamic perspective. Sorry about the confusion
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Anonymous #1
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Thank you all to those that replied. I will try my best to keep my mouth shut. And you’re right can’t fight fire with fire. It is tough but I guess it’s the only way that maybe things will tone down a bit InshaAllah.

Please do keep me in your duas. I am grateful for everything my mum has done for me, it’s just these fights we have do get out of hand and don’t stop as she makes them worse, but obviously I shouldn’t be giving a reaction either as won’t make things better either. I will try to read dhikr to block things out InshaAllah. May Allah swt bless you all!
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SoulfulTwist
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you all to those that replied. I will try my best to keep my mouth shut. And you’re right can’t fight fire with fire. It is tough but I guess it’s the only way that maybe things will tone down a bit InshaAllah.

Please do keep me in your duas. I am grateful for everything my mum has done for me, it’s just these fights we have do get out of hand and don’t stop as she makes them worse, but obviously I shouldn’t be giving a reaction either as won’t make things better either. I will try to read dhikr to block things out InshaAllah. May Allah swt bless you all!
You do not exactly need to keep your mouth shut. You just need to word things right, use the right tone and be wise about your approach and what you say. You'll be surprised what you can get without directly saying
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
You do not exactly need to keep your mouth shut. You just need to word things right, use the right tone and be wise about your approach and what you say. You'll be surprised what you can get without directly saying
But that’s the thing, she will scream on top of everything I say no matter what tone. I can’t get my way round Because she goes off telling tales to other family members
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SoulfulTwist
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(Original post by Anonymous)
But that’s the thing, she will scream on top of everything I say no matter what tone. I can’t get my way round Because she goes off telling tales to other family members
That sounds so frustrating, kudos to you for still trying to respect her.
I guess to maintain respect, you have to remember why Islam says to respect the mother.

Have you tried speaking to your father about this?
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
But that’s the thing, she will scream on top of everything I say no matter what tone. I can’t get my way round Because she goes off telling tales to other family members
Bruh just be patience till you get married and move out of that house. Patience is virtue.
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SoulfulTwist
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Bruh just be patience till you get married and move out of that house. Patience is virtue.
No offence but sometimes husbands and their families are a whole other issue. Best she deals with whats in the moment now for some peace.
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Anonymous #3
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I understand it im in the same boat ad you, what i do is if my family extended family does that when you meet be blunt like a hammer and ask forcefully do what, you have something to say, and when it comes to your mother dont mutter it say whats on your mind you hear her shouting lies to your extended family shout out from your room, why are you lying dont lie your supposed to be muslim how shameful, it usually works, also dont apologise if you dont nothing wrong
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
That sounds so frustrating, kudos to you for still trying to respect her.
I guess to maintain respect, you have to remember why Islam says to respect the mother.

Have you tried speaking to your father about this?
My father knows but literally nothing he can do it about it since he is at work most of the time. And if she does shout at me for no reason my dad does back me. Which leads to even more shouting between them 😭

I don’t hate my mother at all. I know I can be annoying/misbehaved/ not do chores etc but what gets to me is that even when I’m not provoking her or completely ignoring her, she still finds something to shout about or say something indirectly which gets me so pissed.
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Julesandjasmine
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My mum...Where do I begin; something happens in the family, she’ll be on the phone by the night telling the extended family our business, but downplays her faults and exaggerates on ours. This literally is so embarrassing because next time we see our extended family they just look at us in disgust. Indirectly says something as I walk past which literally FRAZZLES MY BRAIN because I’m ngl I do lose it a lot of the times and find it hard to ignore what she says. I feel like I’ve lost so much respect over these last few months for her. I do swear at her which I feel bad about in the end but she just doesn’t stop screaming and shouting. Even when I’m not speaking to her anymore, she’ll say something and carry on screaming and swearing and calling me every horrible name to exist hence why I do lose it and swear. Yes that is absolutely wrong of me but the way she goes on and on and on I find it sooooo hard to just sit in my room and ignore. The things she screams about too is so stupid that she could of just said it nicely?

I know in Islam & in general I should respect my mother, but idk how I can with her. Every-time I hear her on the phone to extended family she’s telling them of what fight had just happened and exaggerates on everything we did. If she had started the fight...she would tell them “all I said was —- and my daughter lost it” funny how the rest of her family side all just take her side hence I don’t even want to associate myself with them anymore because no one listens.
Me not talking to her helps me stay in my own bubble and away from saying anything bad. But she’ll see me walk past and swear or bring up something I did 10 years ago and tell everyone about it. Everytime I catch her lying on the phone saying she did nothing..I just say “why are you lying tell the truth about what you did” quietly, and she’ll say loudly while on the phone “omg look how she’s screaming”????!!! I feel as if she gaslights everything, plays the victim with her side of the family yet once she’s home she’s back to the way she is.

We have had good times, but that doesn’t last long. This past few months I haven’t been talking to her but she goes on and on!!!!!!!!! I just need advice on what I can do especially from Islamic point of view. I know I am in the wrong for swearing and talking back may Allah forgive me but I find it difficult to not say anything it’s something I need to change.
Your Mother is abusive don't be hard on yourself you are just acting like anyone else would in your situation. I would try and avoid your mother who sounds like a narcissistic person to me and get away as soon as possible
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I understand it im in the same boat ad you, what i do is if my family extended family does that when you meet be blunt like a hammer and ask forcefully do what, you have something to say, and when it comes to your mother dont mutter it say whats on your mind you hear her shouting lies to your extended family shout out from your room, why are you lying dont lie your supposed to be muslim how shameful, it usually works, also dont apologise if you dont nothing wrong
I’ve tried. But now that her side of the family know things it’s like why should I bother when they won’t even listen to what I have to say? I feel embarrassment now to even see them because she exposes things I did millions of years ago rather than the initial fight of today if that makes sense
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