my space to vent about my struggles (mh blog)

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Moonlight rain
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#1
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#1
I need this space to vent about the struggles of having cPTSD, generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and depression.
It can be triggering but I need somewhere to express myself. And I’m always on TSR and I prefer typing so this can be my vent diary.
I need to let it out...
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nightingalegend
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#2
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#2
subbed! ❤️
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Moonlight rain
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#3
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#3
Had another dream of my abusers. Can’t they just leave me alone? They’re living rent free in my head and I just want it to stop. They prescribed me mirtazapine and it’s making me even more depressed but it’s only been a few days so I’ll have to keep taking it. Maybe it’s one of those meds that is ugly before it gets beautiful. But getting out of bed this morning was the absolute worst. Doing anything today was the worst. I’m dragging myself to do everything. I’m proud I took a shower today but I literally have 0 energy for anything. When I’m alone, I don’t have to fake a smile. I can just be depressed and anxious me in peace. It feels like I have a giant hole in my body because I feel empty and I feel down.
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Moonlight rain
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#4
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#4
Faking a smile is sooo long. It takes a lot of effort pretending to be okay when I’m not. If i really told people how I felt then I would be in a mental hospital.
Being depressed is the new normal for me. What is there to be depressed about? Nothing. I’m safe so why am I depressed? What do I want...
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Moonlight rain
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#5
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#5
Wanting to sleep all day so I don’t have to feel.
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Moonlight rain
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#6
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#6
Can’t even enjoy a sunny day today because my anxiety is high af. You see why I want to sleep all the time? Because at least during sleep, I don’t feel anxiety.
But last night I had a terrible dream of my abusers and I woke up freaking out because I felt like I was genuinely being slapped by them again. But then I realised I’m safe in my bed and they don’t know where I am.
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Moonlight rain
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#7
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#7
I can’t breathe in the nature and the smell of flowers and truly appreciate everything because my anxiety is overpowering them
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Anonymous #1
#8
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#8
I am really really sad. Another dream where everyone in my family were being so rude to me and ik its not real but I just want to cry. I don’t know if it’s the mirazapine but **** I didn’t even have the argument irl but the dream felt so real and detailed, that I feel so exhausted after that. Why can’t they just leave me alone 😢😢
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Moonlight rain
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
I am really really sad. Another dream where everyone in my family were being so rude to me and ik its not real but I just want to cry. I don’t know if it’s the mirazapine but **** I didn’t even have the argument irl but the dream felt so real and detailed, that I feel so exhausted after that. Why can’t they just leave me alone 😢😢
I don’t know why that was anon but this is me
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SuperiorPotato
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Subbed :console:
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Moonlight rain
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#11
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#11
It’s so hard to just be happy when all my mental health disorders just come together to see who will ruin my day the most. I am scared. These dreams I’m having aren’t helping with my anxiety at all. They’re making me fear so much more. And on this medication, it’s hard for me to do everything I feel groggy and zombie like. Everything sucks right now.
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Moonlight rain
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#12
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#12
My NHS app isn’t working so now I am forced to go actually go to my surgery to order my meds. My social anxiety is just so exhausted. I never wanna leave but I have to
Pretty bummed out about that.
I made a prayer to god last night just asking if I could have one night where I don’t dream about my abusers (family high school bullies). Because the other night one really effed me up. I did have a dream of someone from high school but they weren’t rude to me, they were acc nice to me so it wasn’t that bad. I kinda liked the dream actually.
I’ve been on mirtazpine for 12 days now and I am seeing no improvement with my anxiety at all. I’ll wait for a few weeks though but it’s really disappointing to see that it’s getting rid of others anxiety and for me nothing works.
Last edited by Moonlight rain; 1 month ago
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furryface12
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#13
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#13
Big hugs, I can relate to so much of this including the meds change problems atm. You can do this :hugs: will be following, although I'm not always the best at actually remembering to write stuff
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Moonlight rain
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#14
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#14
(Original post by furryface12)
Big hugs, I can relate to so much of this including the meds change problems atm. You can do this :hugs: will be following, although I'm not always the best at actually remembering to write stuff
Thank you I hope it gets better for you 🌸
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Moonlight rain
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#15
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#15
I always just imagine how life would be like without extreme anxiety. seems like heaven tbh. Just to have one day where I don’t have a knot in my chest would be amazing. One day where I’m not scared of everything, scared to talk people, scared to make eye contact etc. I’m terrified of everything tbh. Just one day!!! It’s all i ask 😔😢
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Moonlight rain
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#16
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#16
Today I was forced to leave my house TWICE and because of that, felt so unbelievably depressed that I bought myself hobknobs. I just wanted a little bit of happiness even if it was temporary.
Tomorrow I have to go again and I am dreading it
I have been On a healthy diet for 2 weeks now and then I just felt so depressed because of my social anxiety that I just binged. I don’t even like hob knobs that much and I got sick of it after a couple of biscuits but I just needed that bit of happiness. But I forgive myself, it’s not my fault my brain is made of mash potato. Like what else gives quick happiness like a high carb food, huh? Nothing. I do like doing other things but they aren’t quick.
And I felt more depressed because the first time I left the house, a min later it started pouring down with rain. I came back home and the rain stopped. I stepped out the second time and 2 minutes later, heavy rain. That’s pathetic fallacy right there because the rest of the day I’ve been feeling crap. So empty inside.
Last edited by Moonlight rain; 1 month ago
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Moonlight rain
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#17
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#17
I’m an adult so I have to go buy groceries, go to the pharmacy and I have to do everything by myself. But everything is hard. When I’m walking down the street, I just feel like bursting into tears. Why cant I have one thing in my life that is going fine? It is the worst feeling ever. I am really really really struggling.
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Moonlight rain
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#18
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#18
Anxiety ruins EVERYTHING. Doesn’t help I have two anxiety disorders. Everything freaking sucks... then I’m forced to do unhealthy things like eating carbs and one time it got so bad, I self harmed. All these medications aren’t working because how can they fix 20 years of trauma? I’ve had anxiety since I was 5. How can anything fix that? How can I ever work and make friendships when I am like this? I am sooooo broken. My goals of making music won’t happen. My goals of helping others emotionally won’t happen because how can I when I’m an emotional wreck
Last edited by Moonlight rain; 1 month ago
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Moonlight rain
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#19
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#19
I cried a lot just thinking about my life. And how miserable it is. But I had to stop because my throat was hurting each time I cried. I feel disabled. I feel my life is just useless because I can’t do anything with my mh issues so what am I meant to do the rest of my life? Stay in bed and post on TSR? Is this really going to be my life? I am so miserable and I’m hurting so much inside. I just want to be free. I want to stop hurting. I want to be happy. But I can’t

Don’t think I’ll ever get to go uni because my mh is truly ****ed up beyond repair. I can’t be helped. People’s advice and kind words don’t have positive impact on me, meds don’t work, nothing works. And I’m tired of trying. Sooo tired of trying. So tired of crying and sleepless nights. The only thing I look forward to is sleeping and now I don’t have that anymore because of ****ing ptsd. I can’t have anything
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Moonlight rain
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#20
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#20
Time to listen to sad songs and make myself cry even more till I get sleepy and fall asleep. Goodnight
Last edited by Moonlight rain; 1 month ago
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