my space to vent about my struggles (mh blog)Watch
It can be triggering but I need somewhere to express myself. And I’m always on TSR and I prefer typing so this can be my vent diary.
I need to let it out...
Being depressed is the new normal for me. What is there to be depressed about? Nothing. I’m safe so why am I depressed? What do I want...
But last night I had a terrible dream of my abusers and I woke up freaking out because I felt like I was genuinely being slapped by them again. But then I realised I’m safe in my bed and they don’t know where I am.
I am really really sad. Another dream where everyone in my family were being so rude to me and ik its not real but I just want to cry. I don’t know if it’s the mirazapine but **** I didn’t even have the argument irl but the dream felt so real and detailed, that I feel so exhausted after that. Why can’t they just leave me alone 😢😢
Pretty bummed out about that.
I made a prayer to god last night just asking if I could have one night where I don’t dream about my abusers (family high school bullies). Because the other night one really effed me up. I did have a dream of someone from high school but they weren’t rude to me, they were acc nice to me so it wasn’t that bad. I kinda liked the dream actually.
I’ve been on mirtazpine for 12 days now and I am seeing no improvement with my anxiety at all. I’ll wait for a few weeks though but it’s really disappointing to see that it’s getting rid of others anxiety and for me nothing works.
Tomorrow I have to go again and I am dreading it
I have been On a healthy diet for 2 weeks now and then I just felt so depressed because of my social anxiety that I just binged. I don’t even like hob knobs that much and I got sick of it after a couple of biscuits but I just needed that bit of happiness. But I forgive myself, it’s not my fault my brain is made of mash potato. Like what else gives quick happiness like a high carb food, huh? Nothing. I do like doing other things but they aren’t quick.
And I felt more depressed because the first time I left the house, a min later it started pouring down with rain. I came back home and the rain stopped. I stepped out the second time and 2 minutes later, heavy rain. That’s pathetic fallacy right there because the rest of the day I’ve been feeling crap. So empty inside.
Don’t think I’ll ever get to go uni because my mh is truly ****ed up beyond repair. I can’t be helped. People’s advice and kind words don’t have positive impact on me, meds don’t work, nothing works. And I’m tired of trying. Sooo tired of trying. So tired of crying and sleepless nights. The only thing I look forward to is sleeping and now I don’t have that anymore because of ****ing ptsd. I can’t have anything