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Muslim marriage struggles

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Original post by Anonymous
I don’t feel physically attracted to anyone. A pretty face doesn’t impress me. Is this normal to feel like this?

No. Don't get married.
Original post by onceuponatime1
Why do you need to get married? Why not just have a relationship without a marriage? Marriage does not mean your partner is not susceptible to cheating. I would argue it is simply a false way of attributing responsibility and attachment to the relationship. If you ever get divorced, it also becomes messy with regards to dividing assets.

So let me flip that on its head. Are you saying that a relationship without any responsibility is a better alternative? And that you can dump the person whenever you like? Doesn’t make sense

to me.
Original post by Anonymous
What so special about ‘love marriages’?

Isn't it obvious? Do you want a loveless marriage?
Original post by Vanessa Peace
I not sure but (curious question), does your family want to marry off at a young age.

Adult women are not a possession for a family to pass on to a husband. They must make their own choices, whether to marry at all being one of them.
Original post by Anonymous
So let me flip that on its head. Are you saying that a relationship without any responsibility is a better alternative? And that you can dump the person whenever you like? Doesn’t make sense

to me.

You misinterpreted what I said. I said that marriage does not guarantee the partner is going to be any more responsible than being in a relationship without marriage.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi
I’m a Muslim girl in my early twenties . I consider myself a strict and practising muslim. The problem I have is that every time I think about meeting a potential partner through family, I feel like a robot with no emotions. I feel very reserved and don’t want to get emotionally attached to anyone who is not my husband yet. I don’t feel physically attracted to anyone. A pretty face doesn’t impress me. Is this normal to feel like this?

I'd say maybe after initially meeting a boy through family you could maybe exchange numbers/socials and talk more with a bit of privacy and get to know each other better that way? And then maybe start meeting up separately (without family) and start going on dates and stuff?

Don't think there's anything 'not normal' about how you're feeling tbh, it can be really difficult form that kind of a connection/attachment with someone while parents, relatives etc are watching and being very involved right from the beginning... I know I could never do that!

And you're actually wise not to get carried away by looks and other superficial stuff, personality is always the most important thing in a partner... and whether you go for a love marriage or an arranged marriage in the end it's essential that you know the boy's personality really well before you go through with it!
Original post by Anonymous
I don’t date. Also marriage means a lot more to more than physical attraction.

The two aren't mutually exclusive. You can, and should, marry someone that you're physically attracted to.
Original post by RogerOxon
Isn't it obvious? Do you want a loveless marriage?

Lol. Of course I don’t want to. But I believe that in love marriages, people become blinded by the others persons love. They don’t necessarily see their bad traits and flaws, whereas with an arranged marriage, you can think with a clear head and not make emotional decisions.

Most love marriages end up in divorce anyway as the couple already have a preconceived ideas of what their spouse is like and have expectations of what the marriage is supposed to be like, if that doesn’t go the way they like, they ‘fall’out of love- isn’t that a loveless marriage too.
Original post by RogerOxon
Adult women are not a possession for a family to pass on to a husband. They must make their own choices, whether to marry at all being one of them.

Also, the marriage is invalid without the prior consent of the couple.
Original post by Anonymous
Lol. Of course I don’t want to. But I believe that in love marriages, people become blinded by the others persons love. They don’t necessarily see their bad traits and flaws, whereas with an arranged marriage, you can think with a clear head and not make emotional decisions.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you don't love, and who doesn't love you?

Original post by Anonymous
Most love marriages end up in divorce anyway as the couple already have a preconceived ideas of what their spouse is like and have expectations of what the marriage is supposed to be like, if that doesn’t go the way they like, they ‘fall’out of love- isn’t that a loveless marriage too.

Evidence?
Original post by onceuponatime1
You misinterpreted what I said. I said that marriage does not guarantee the partner is going to be any more responsible than being in a relationship without marriage.

Yes I agree. But islamically, the man has a responsibility and is held accountable for being the protector and maintainer of his wife. Whereas without marriage the man isn’t obliged to commit or look after his girlfriend. Big difference
Original post by Anonymous
Also, the marriage is invalid without the prior consent of the couple.

Some cultures and religions condition children to accept certain things. For me, life is about experiences, including extreme emotions. If you want to see marriage as a contract that offers you some things, initially without love, and with no guarantee of it, then that's up to you. It would depress me.

In the words of Belinda Carlisle - "Live Your Life, Be Free".
Original post by RogerOxon
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you don't love, and who doesn't love you?


Evidence?

Not loving someone before marriage doesn’t mean love is never going to blossom in the marriage

As for the evidence, half of marriages in the US end up in divorce - look it up.
Reply 33
Avatar for mgi
mgi
20
Original post by Anonymous
Yes I agree. But islamically, the man has a responsibility and is held accountable for being the protector and maintainer of his wife. Whereas without marriage the man isn’t obliged to commit or look after his girlfriend. Big difference

But as you know perfectly well an Islamic married man may not and sometimes does not, do any of those things! Accountable to whom?
Original post by Anonymous
You may try to meet people in your Uni or at a nearest mosque. Before meeting them let them know that you just want to know the person and if you like him you want to marry. And if you don't want to search for your partner, just wait and the right person will come and ask you your babas number.
If your parents are true Muslims, they won't be able to 'force' marriage you without your consent as it's prohibited in islam.

I’ve already graduated. And I’ve tried my nearest mosque but they don’t have a matrimonial service.

My parents would never force to marry anyone I’m not comfortable with, the issue is I feel emotionless and don’t want to get overly attached to someone before marriage in case it doesn’t work out
Original post by Anonymous
Yes I agree. But islamically, the man has a responsibility and is held accountable for being the protector and maintainer of his wife. Whereas without marriage the man isn’t obliged to commit or look after his girlfriend. Big difference

Protector and maintainer of his wife? LOL and I struggle to see how some Muslims are feminists. Why does the husband have to exclusively be held accountable for the relationship? In fact, with the way you said it, you make it sound like the wife is under the orders of her husband through using the word "maintainer", which is absolutely shocking and frankly morally reprehensible. Just because you are not married does not mean you suddenly disregard any sense of morality. In a relationship, both partners should look after each other. End of story.
Reply 36
Avatar for mgi
mgi
20
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you x

What are you thanking them for? Re-read the comments that yiu made in yiur original post. You barely know yourself! Not ready at all for marriage. Living at home? , no experience with the opposite gender? in your early twenties? think very carefully!
Original post by Anonymous
Not loving someone before marriage doesn’t mean love is never going to blossom in the marriage

Agreed. If it starts with it, you're guaranteed it in the marriage. If it doesn't, you're not.

Original post by Anonymous
As for the evidence, half of marriages in the US end up in divorce - look it up.

So?
Reply 38
Avatar for mgi
mgi
20
Original post by Anonymous
I’ve already graduated. And I’ve tried my nearest mosque but they don’t have a matrimonial service.

My parents would never force to marry anyone I’m not comfortable with, the issue is I feel emotionless and don’t want to get overly attached to someone before marriage in case it doesn’t work out

But that's the whole point. It is essential that you emotionally wake up and get attached before you even think of getting married.
You really need to know and feel like what it means to be in love BEFORE you get married!
Marriage is a very serious life long commitment! Every relationship has some risk. Yiur marriage as a strict muslim virgin bride might not work out. It has got to be better to date and be much better informed about yourself and your feelings and needs and those of your potential marriage partner than just getting married while not knowing the person very much.
I know quite a few religious people and socially traditionalist desis who feel the way that you do when they think about meeting their future spouse through family members.
All different religions but only willing to marry with parental approval and to a like-minded spouse practising the same religion who shares their ambitions, values and commitment to abstinence until marriage.

One friend is a 26 year old fundamentalist christian who wants to have at least 8 children and has a few very restrictive dealbreakers.
When she asked me for advice on her next steps and how she was feeling, I encouraged her to explore five questions.
Do you want to get married in the immediate future, within the next two years?
If so, exactly what type of husband do you want and marriage dealbreakers do you need?
Would you prefer to register with a religious matchmaker or marriage introduction service rather than rely upon family members?
If not wanting to get married over the next two years, do you want to get married over the next five years or would you prefer not to get married at all if you had the choice.

My family tree has a long tradition of arranged marriages, often to cousins and don't accept divorce.
My maternal grandfather was an ultra-traditionalist catholic, he had arranged three marriages for my mother by the time that she was 20 but she chose not to go down that route.
I probably won't get married, I operate a long list of dating dealbreakers and always turn down arranged marriage offers.

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