I think I want to come out to my strict asian parents? Help

Watch
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I'm bisexual and I've known since I was young (Winz Club really woke the bi in me tho). I've had crushes on both genders and but only 2 of my close friends know I like girls too (and I literally accidently came out when I was drunk so I didn't even mean it), apart from them, I am in very deep in the closet.

My family are super conservative asians, and the asian community in our town are super gossipy and judgemental. I'm Nepali and our community (at least where I live) hasn't really caught up in terms of LGBTQ+ tolerance and acceptance. Like they hate gays even more than interracial couples which is really saying something. When I say there are barely any openly LGBTQ+ in the Nepali community, I mean we heard about a random nepali guy in London who came out and my auntie started crying saying how bad the parents must feel since their son sinned, she then immediately phoned her own son so that he could resassure her that he's straight.

I live with both my parents as well as my 2 younger siblings who are relatively almost the same age as me. My younger brother isn't the most tolerant - he throws the f word around and uses homophobic language as 'dark humour'. But since we're so close in age, I guess he doesn't take me seriously when I call him out (not like the parents teach him about homophobia). He's literally said that he'd beat and disown any of his kids if they turned out gay but apparently he isn't homophobic. My sister is LGBTQ+ accepting but I think she'll definitely be confused and shocked for a bit. But she'll probably be okay with it (i hope).

But my parents WILL rage when I come out. My dad has said many times that he'd disown us if we're gay. He's probably gonna beat me but I think he'll eventually come round. But my mum is probably gonna have a couple of mental breakdowns about how I'm sinful and bad and how she's been a good mum and this is just evil in me, etc. They view same-sex love as a form of disobedience/defiance to parents, sinful to God, unnatural, wrong, etc. Also, my relatives live close to us in our town too so gossip will probably spread fast, and I'll probably get lots and lots of phonecalls lecturing me, etc.

Anyway, the reason I'm thinking about it is bc my cousin who lives a couple hours away has just come out to her aunty (my in law auntie) and mum (my mums actual sister). In law aunty is accepting, but my cousin did get beat by her mum, who is now getting preached at by in-law aunty. Hopefully, now that we have one bi in the family already, it'll be okay for me to come out in the next year. (At least before I go to uni next year). And also bc my parents have been having marriage talks with me (cause my other cousin just got married), so they're lecturing me on who I can marry and who I can't. You know, all that caste system bs and marrying a nice nepali guy. (also, it's I have no clue whether I'm even gonna get with a nepali boy as the ones that live round here are just as homophobic or just see it in a nasty way).

So anyone who's come out to their conservative POC religious parents please drop some tips on how. One by one? altogether during a dinner? I've already been casually dropping hints for ages like cropping my mom jeans, over complimenting how pretty girls are (but they probs see it as admiration), constantly referring to my future partner as SO, partner, they, soulmate, 'whoever I end up with', etc. I figured it's better to just do it while the momentum going.
0
reply
Anonymous #2
#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
Need some info
Whats your age and religion?
0
reply
999tigger
Badges: 19
#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
I dont know them but it sounds like a bad/ naive idea.

Just to add you simply do not know how your parents react, but there is the dsitinct possibility they will react badly and a sequence of events will start which will be wholly negative for you. Why take that chance.
In some cases parents will take this personally and blame it on you i.e seek to get you married off quickly, stop speaking to you, disown you or kick you out. There is a good chance one or both wont be able to deal with it. The chances of them saying it doesnt matter or being proud of you are less.

Get ti uni, get a job and get independence then tell them, when you are able to deal with any backlash.
Last edited by 999tigger; 4 weeks ago
3
reply
mgi
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#4
Report 4 weeks ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm bisexual and I've known since I was young (Winz Club really woke the bi in me tho). I've had crushes on both genders and but only 2 of my close friends know I like girls too (and I literally accidently came out when I was drunk so I didn't even mean it), apart from them, I am in very deep in the closet.

My family are super conservative asians, and the asian community in our town are super gossipy and judgemental. I'm Nepali and our community (at least where I live) hasn't really caught up in terms of LGBTQ+ tolerance and acceptance. Like they hate gays even more than interracial couples which is really saying something. When I say there are barely any openly LGBTQ+ in the Nepali community, I mean we heard about a random nepali guy in London who came out and my auntie started crying saying how bad the parents must feel since their son sinned, she then immediately phoned her own son so that he could resassure her that he's straight.

I live with both my parents as well as my 2 younger siblings who are relatively almost the same age as me. My younger brother isn't the most tolerant - he throws the f word around and uses homophobic language as 'dark humour'. But since we're so close in age, I guess he doesn't take me seriously when I call him out (not like the parents teach him about homophobia). He's literally said that he'd beat and disown any of his kids if they turned out gay but apparently he isn't homophobic. My sister is LGBTQ+ accepting but I think she'll definitely be confused and shocked for a bit. But she'll probably be okay with it (i hope).

But my parents WILL rage when I come out. My dad has said many times that he'd disown us if we're gay. He's probably gonna beat me but I think he'll eventually come round. But my mum is probably gonna have a couple of mental breakdowns about how I'm sinful and bad and how she's been a good mum and this is just evil in me, etc. They view same-sex love as a form of disobedience/defiance to parents, sinful to God, unnatural, wrong, etc. Also, my relatives live close to us in our town too so gossip will probably spread fast, and I'll probably get lots and lots of phonecalls lecturing me, etc.

Anyway, the reason I'm thinking about it is bc my cousin who lives a couple hours away has just come out to her aunty (my in law auntie) and mum (my mums actual sister). In law aunty is accepting, but my cousin did get beat by her mum, who is now getting preached at by in-law aunty. Hopefully, now that we have one bi in the family already, it'll be okay for me to come out in the next year. (At least before I go to uni next year). And also bc my parents have been having marriage talks with me (cause my other cousin just got married), so they're lecturing me on who I can marry and who I can't. You know, all that caste system bs and marrying a nice nepali guy. (also, it's I have no clue whether I'm even gonna get with a nepali boy as the ones that live round here are just as homophobic or just see it in a nasty way).

So anyone who's come out to their conservative POC religious parents please drop some tips on how. One by one? altogether during a dinner? I've already been casually dropping hints for ages like cropping my mom jeans, over complimenting how pretty girls are (but they probs see it as admiration), constantly referring to my future partner as SO, partner, they, soulmate, 'whoever I end up with', etc. I figured it's better to just do it while the momentum going.
How old are you? And no, i don't think you have the right plan! Your parents are probsbly obsessed with their dsughter getting a successful uni education. So rather than coming out to them now just pass your exsms and move out to go to uni! Stop living with your family when a uni. And absolutely never ever let your parents choose whom and when you should marry. If you do you will be unhappy for ever.! Get support discretely from LGBTQ+ groups! They will help you! They have seen this bs many times before!
Don't do anything rash! It is not quite time for you to come out! Be wise and careful.
2
reply
Scotney
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#5
Report 4 weeks ago
#5
I agree with the other posters.Go to uni and wait until you have a level of independence and external support.
1
reply
khadijaaaxxxx
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#6
Report 4 weeks ago
#6
i don't think you should come out yet
2
reply
boulderingislife
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#7
Report 4 weeks ago
#7
Too soon to come out. If you think they will disown you why would you come out! Makes no sense that plan! Wait till uni and do the bi stuff in uni and fake being conservative to them. No point aggravating backwards people like that imo. When u ready to properly move out then maybe come out, not whilst you are dependent on them!
3
reply
Anonymous #3
#8
Report 4 weeks ago
#8
I’m south Asian myself so I totally understand the judgemental *****y aunties who literally thrive on any gossip they can get. But I agree with the others, it’s better if you came out when you’re at university rather than doing it now where you’re somewhat dependant on them because all hell will probably go loose when you tell them. It’s better not to be surrounded by the drama so be patient and give it time because there could always be the situation where your brother or dad may lash out, especially since they’re homophobic.
2
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Current uni students - are you thinking of dropping out of university?

Yes, I'm seriously considering dropping out (102)
13.32%
I'm not sure (32)
4.18%
No, I'm going to stick it out for now (237)
30.94%
I have already dropped out (19)
2.48%
I'm not a current university student (376)
49.09%

Watched Threads

View All