The first paragraph is just one sentence I don’t see any full stops or anything. Also the paragraphs are too long make them shorter. Add a title to your story. I understand that it was difficult writing this out but like the first word in your story isn’t even a word. I don’t know what that means. And it should have a capital letter the first word since it’s the start of a sentence. Your story should be eye catching and interesting however your story is dull and uninteresting. When writing a story write a story that interesting and not dull