josh.kayy2
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#1
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#1
Sorry it's long
Last edited by josh.kayy2; 4 weeks ago
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themagics1992
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#2
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#2
First word? = ?????????????????????
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katnix
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#3
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First of all this story has a lot of descriptive words and content but like I don’t understand what’s happening in the story. I really don’t understand anything this is just jumping to one setting to the next. It really doesn’t make sense think about the story content clearly.
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katnix
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#4
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There are lots of long sentences. Do short sentences for a effect
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katnix
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#5
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The first paragraph is just one sentence I don’t see any full stops or anything. Also the paragraphs are too long make them shorter. Add a title to your story. I understand that it was difficult writing this out but like the first word in your story isn’t even a word. I don’t know what that means. And it should have a capital letter the first word since it’s the start of a sentence. Your story should be eye catching and interesting however your story is dull and uninteresting. When writing a story write a story that interesting and not dull
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josh.kayy2
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#6
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(Original post by katnix)
The first paragraph is just one sentence I don’t see any full stops or anything. Also the paragraphs are too long make them shorter. Add a title to your story. I understand that it was difficult writing this out but like the first word in your story isn’t even a word. I don’t know what that means. And it should have a capital letter the first word since it’s the start of a sentence. Your story should be eye catching and interesting however your story is dull and uninteresting. When writing a story write a story that interesting and not dull
Thanks for the reply! The first words meant to say cursorily but I guess it cut out for some reason? Appreciate the feedback tho will defo use this to try & improve it 👍🏻
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josh.kayy2
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#7
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Cursorily! Cut out for some reason 🤔
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Kerzen
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#8
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Is this a piece of work you have to submit for your GCSE in English?
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GabiAbi84
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#9
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What level is this for?

Hoydenish?
Flocculent Flocks?

It looks perhaps as if you have used a thesaurus for some parts and haven’t quite understood the word you’ve changed your original word to?
As others have said the punctuation is not quite there also.
You’ve seemed to put more importance on making it sound more descriptive by using your thesaurus but have hidden the plot under it so that it’s not clear what is actually happening.
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josh.kayy2
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(Original post by GabiAbi84)
What level is this for?

Hoydenish?
Flocculent Flocks?

It looks perhaps as if you have used a thesaurus for some parts and haven’t quite understood the word you’ve changed your original word to?
As others have said the punctuation is not quite there also.
You’ve seemed to put more importance on making it sound more descriptive by using your thesaurus but have hidden the plot under it so that it’s not clear what is actually happening.
Thanks for your feedback! My teacher asked me to be more descriptive last time I handed a paper so i snuck in some words /phrases i read in an oscar wilde book, hence the odd vocab. She also said to show not tell which is why I thought hiding the plot underneath would add ambiguity making it a tad more exciting? I guess I need to apply that way better tho 🤔 thanks tho!!
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josh.kayy2
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#11
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(Original post by Kerzen)
Is this a piece of work you have to submit for your GCSE in English?
Yeah- I'll be changing it a lot tho so I won't fail lol
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Kerzen
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(Original post by josh.kayy2)
Yeah- I'll be changing it a lot tho so I won't fail lol
Can you say what the actual piece of work set is, pls? I mean what the teacher has said is required.

It's nice to be creative, but not if what you have written isn't what the teacher has asked for.
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