What should I do?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
So I was with my partner for around 6 months. We split up and stayed friends but were still seeing each other (I know - it made things more complicated). At the start everything was great, we were happy and I would say it was quite intense. As time went on he told me about his mental health problems. He never told me much so if I am being honest I don't really know much about them apart from how he acts when he is having a bad time.

When we were together I would do everything, he never did anything but I still felt that anything I did was not enough. I always felt like I was on eggshells around him because there seemed to be rules. I wasn't allowed to ever ask what he was doing on an evening or a weekend. I would ask sometimes because I don't think anything of it - I would ask anyone as a normal part of conversation, but on this occasion I was also interested in his life and everything he had to say. When I said something wrong I would get the silent treatment for a 1-2 days. I felt like I was on eggshells and constantly questioned myself. He accused me of controlling him because sometimes I would ask what he was doing at the weekend but it was genuine curiosity, there would never have been an issue with what he was doing it is just a conversation topic. This stopped me asking anything and so I don't know much about his history or what he does with his time. He would also make negative comments quite a lot, enough that my friends picked up on this and spoke to me about it.

When we split up we remained friends. I feel a certain amount of responsibility because I know how bad his mental health is and worry he would do something stupid. I also still really care about him because splitting up was not something that I wanted. Recently he has been really mean in the comments he has made, he constantly makes negative comments towards me and if I say something about it then I get the silent treatment or have to agree with what he says.

I am getting to the point where I am ready to walk away from this situation. I am not happy and it is really bringing me down. What stops me is that a part of me wants it to go back to how it was at the beginning and how I know he can be. It doesn't sound happy from what I have written but there were so many times I could not have been more happy. The beginning was perfect and even now we do get on really well and have a great time together when things are good.

What I am asking is for advice on what I should do. Should I wait and hope that he gets better and everything can go back to how it was or should I walk away from the situation?
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I think you should give him time, as a friend, and help him get better. It seems like he’s going through something and the best thing that you can do is support him. You don’t have to explicitly say “I want to be just friends” I think it would be better if you just keep your interactions light and fun. If you feel comfortable, I would suggest finding out more about what he’s going through, because then the best thing that you can do is be there. If he’s continuing to ignore you or make you feel unwelcome, I think you’ll have to move on. I wish you all the best! x
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I was with my partner for around 6 months. We split up and stayed friends but were still seeing each other (I know - it made things more complicated). At the start everything was great, we were happy and I would say it was quite intense. As time went on he told me about his mental health problems. He never told me much so if I am being honest I don't really know much about them apart from how he acts when he is having a bad time.

When we were together I would do everything, he never did anything but I still felt that anything I did was not enough. I always felt like I was on eggshells around him because there seemed to be rules. I wasn't allowed to ever ask what he was doing on an evening or a weekend. I would ask sometimes because I don't think anything of it - I would ask anyone as a normal part of conversation, but on this occasion I was also interested in his life and everything he had to say. When I said something wrong I would get the silent treatment for a 1-2 days. I felt like I was on eggshells and constantly questioned myself. He accused me of controlling him because sometimes I would ask what he was doing at the weekend but it was genuine curiosity, there would never have been an issue with what he was doing it is just a conversation topic. This stopped me asking anything and so I don't know much about his history or what he does with his time. He would also make negative comments quite a lot, enough that my friends picked up on this and spoke to me about it.

When we split up we remained friends. I feel a certain amount of responsibility because I know how bad his mental health is and worry he would do something stupid. I also still really care about him because splitting up was not something that I wanted. Recently he has been really mean in the comments he has made, he constantly makes negative comments towards me and if I say something about it then I get the silent treatment or have to agree with what he says.

I am getting to the point where I am ready to walk away from this situation. I am not happy and it is really bringing me down. What stops me is that a part of me wants it to go back to how it was at the beginning and how I know he can be. It doesn't sound happy from what I have written but there were so many times I could not have been more happy. The beginning was perfect and even now we do get on really well and have a great time together when things are good.

What I am asking is for advice on what I should do. Should I wait and hope that he gets better and everything can go back to how it was or should I walk away from the situation?
I think you should walk away. As much as he is clearly struggling with his mental health, it is not an excuse to treat someone like rubbish and his behaviour is not acceptable as he is being quite controlling. You've done more than enough for him, you've been supportive and accommodating. But if you continue you will only end up affecting your mental health too. You can direct him to support services and his GP but ultimately there's nothing you can do until he wants to get help. Waiting around will just be wasting your time because there's no guarantee that if/when he gets better, he will want to be in a relationship with you again. Walk away and allow yourself to move on and find happiness, because you deserve that.
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