Constantly drained from the daily chores argument

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hoelle
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**LONG POST WARNING**

Hey everyone, these last few years I've been having this recurring argument with my parents concerning housework.

I'm currently in my last year of A Levels and studying as many nights as possible per week is crucial for my learning pace and style. However, in my house, we have a complicated relationship dynamic.

My mum usually gives in to my father's whims ( or lack thereof in terms of household duties). From my first few years of secondary school (and most of my life to be honest), she has taken on the brunt of household chores and tasks while my father does little (bar the occasional dishwasher run). She's expressed to me countless times her frustration with his unwillingness to help (for lack of a less offensive term). I've provided emotional and practical support for her such as taking on the chores, but now that I'm in my last year of A Levels, I'm worried.

My current weekly schedule with schoolwork, housework and minimal actual leisure time means I have either no time or am too exhausted to complete some meaningful study. During all this, I've been struggling with various mental health issues which have already impaired my sleep and energy to begin with.

A few days ago, on the advice of my therapist, I drew a housework rota. It includes every task with a corresponding number of points (based on intensity and frequency of the task). It even accounts for everyone's work schedule. However, when presenting this task to my parents, although my mum seemed enthusiastic enough about the idea, my father is the opposite claiming that 'he's never free during the day' and his time outside work is 'his time'.

I'm obviously very frustrated because I've expressed countless times that the current weekly schedule is draining me emotionally and physically. To make it worse, the university course I'm applying to has very high minimum grades and, at this rate, I'm going to have to survive on no sleep, coffee and anxiety.

Sorry for the long rant but does anybody have any advice on what to do next? I honestly feel like I'm at the end of my tether as I don't really receive much support from my family to begin with.

Thanks for reading
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Missvo59
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Hm... seems like your mum is more understanding than your father. Maybe sit down and explain to him how much stress this situation is putting on you and its not fair for you to struggle when he could alleviate some of your stress.
Ofc theres a chance he may still continue how he is acting right now. Do you have any siblings who could help you and your mum?
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ANM775
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(Original post by hoelle)
**LONG POST WARNING**

Hey everyone, these last few years I've been having this recurring argument with my parents concerning housework.

I'm currently in my last year of A Levels and studying as many nights as possible per week is crucial for my learning pace and style. However, in my house, we have a complicated relationship dynamic.

My mum usually gives in to my father's whims ( or lack thereof in terms of household duties). From my first few years of secondary school (and most of my life to be honest), she has taken on the brunt of household chores and tasks while my father does little (bar the occasional dishwasher run). She's expressed to me countless times her frustration with his unwillingness to help (for lack of a less offensive term). I've provided emotional and practical support for her such as taking on the chores, but now that I'm in my last year of A Levels, I'm worried.

My current weekly schedule with schoolwork, housework and minimal actual leisure time means I have either no time or am too exhausted to complete some meaningful study. During all this, I've been struggling with various mental health issues which have already impaired my sleep and energy to begin with.

A few days ago, on the advice of my therapist, I drew a housework rota. It includes every task with a corresponding number of points (based on intensity and frequency of the task). It even accounts for everyone's work schedule. However, when presenting this task to my parents, although my mum seemed enthusiastic enough about the idea, my father is the opposite claiming that 'he's never free during the day' and his time outside work is 'his time'.

I'm obviously very frustrated because I've expressed countless times that the current weekly schedule is draining me emotionally and physically. To make it worse, the university course I'm applying to has very high minimum grades and, at this rate, I'm going to have to survive on no sleep, coffee and anxiety.

Sorry for the long rant but does anybody have any advice on what to do next? I honestly feel like I'm at the end of my tether as I don't really receive much support from my family to begin with.

Thanks for reading
unless your father is working a 9 to 5 all day and your mother is sat home ... he should be really helping out more tbh..

I'm not sure there is really much you can do unfortunately, as he is the parent afterall.....
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paul514
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(Original post by hoelle)
**LONG POST WARNING**

Hey everyone, these last few years I've been having this recurring argument with my parents concerning housework.

I'm currently in my last year of A Levels and studying as many nights as possible per week is crucial for my learning pace and style. However, in my house, we have a complicated relationship dynamic.

My mum usually gives in to my father's whims ( or lack thereof in terms of household duties). From my first few years of secondary school (and most of my life to be honest), she has taken on the brunt of household chores and tasks while my father does little (bar the occasional dishwasher run). She's expressed to me countless times her frustration with his unwillingness to help (for lack of a less offensive term). I've provided emotional and practical support for her such as taking on the chores, but now that I'm in my last year of A Levels, I'm worried.

My current weekly schedule with schoolwork, housework and minimal actual leisure time means I have either no time or am too exhausted to complete some meaningful study. During all this, I've been struggling with various mental health issues which have already impaired my sleep and energy to begin with.

A few days ago, on the advice of my therapist, I drew a housework rota. It includes every task with a corresponding number of points (based on intensity and frequency of the task). It even accounts for everyone's work schedule. However, when presenting this task to my parents, although my mum seemed enthusiastic enough about the idea, my father is the opposite claiming that 'he's never free during the day' and his time outside work is 'his time'.

I'm obviously very frustrated because I've expressed countless times that the current weekly schedule is draining me emotionally and physically. To make it worse, the university course I'm applying to has very high minimum grades and, at this rate, I'm going to have to survive on no sleep, coffee and anxiety.

Sorry for the long rant but does anybody have any advice on what to do next? I honestly feel like I'm at the end of my tether as I don't really receive much support from my family to begin with.

Thanks for reading
Honestly? You sound like a drama queen, it’s housework not a tour in Afghanistan.

If you can’t succeed at doing your a levels and doing an hour of house work then how will you be able to cope with adult life?
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harrysbar
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(Original post by paul514)
Honestly? You sound like a drama queen, it’s housework not a tour in Afghanistan.

If you can’t succeed at doing your a levels and doing an hour of house work then how will you be able to cope with adult life?
Agreed, plus OP will be going to uni soon and can swap arguments about daily chores with parents to arguments about daily chores with flatmates until they leave uni and can swap arguments about daily chores with flatmates for arguments about daily chores with their friends or partner
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paul514
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(Original post by harrysbar)
Agreed, plus OP will be going to uni soon and can swap arguments about daily chores with parents to arguments about daily chores with flatmates until they leave uni and can swap arguments about daily chores with flatmates for arguments about daily chores with their friends or partner
And then their own kids 😂
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harrysbar
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(Original post by paul514)
And then their own kids 😂
🤣🤣
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Lilymae69
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Youre kinda overreacting ngl
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by hoelle)
**LONG POST WARNING**

Hey everyone, these last few years I've been having this recurring argument with my parents concerning housework.

I'm currently in my last year of A Levels and studying as many nights as possible per week is crucial for my learning pace and style. However, in my house, we have a complicated relationship dynamic.

My mum usually gives in to my father's whims ( or lack thereof in terms of household duties). From my first few years of secondary school (and most of my life to be honest), she has taken on the brunt of household chores and tasks while my father does little (bar the occasional dishwasher run). She's expressed to me countless times her frustration with his unwillingness to help (for lack of a less offensive term). I've provided emotional and practical support for her such as taking on the chores, but now that I'm in my last year of A Levels, I'm worried.

My current weekly schedule with schoolwork, housework and minimal actual leisure time means I have either no time or am too exhausted to complete some meaningful study. During all this, I've been struggling with various mental health issues which have already impaired my sleep and energy to begin with.

A few days ago, on the advice of my therapist, I drew a housework rota. It includes every task with a corresponding number of points (based on intensity and frequency of the task). It even accounts for everyone's work schedule. However, when presenting this task to my parents, although my mum seemed enthusiastic enough about the idea, my father is the opposite claiming that 'he's never free during the day' and his time outside work is 'his time'.

I'm obviously very frustrated because I've expressed countless times that the current weekly schedule is draining me emotionally and physically. To make it worse, the university course I'm applying to has very high minimum grades and, at this rate, I'm going to have to survive on no sleep, coffee and anxiety.

Sorry for the long rant but does anybody have any advice on what to do next? I honestly feel like I'm at the end of my tether as I don't really receive much support from my family to begin with.

Thanks for reading
i mean you should be doing chores and so should your dad, then it will be less on you and your mum. I get where you are coming from being stressed with the last year of A levels and having a spreadsheet sounds like a good idea to prevent arguments over who does what
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hoelle
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(Original post by paul514)
Honestly? You sound like a drama queen, it’s housework not a tour in Afghanistan.

If you can’t succeed at doing your a levels and doing an hour of house work then how will you be able to cope with adult life?
You do have a point and perhaps I am overreacting. It’s just often times I feel like when I come home, the house is in a constant state and it’s my responsibility to make sure there’s nothing significant that needs done when my mum gets home from work.
I arrive home from 4-5 o’clock, take maybe 1-2 hours for general laundry and cleaning, make dinner and re-clean kitchen and then basic homework.
I’m making this post because I am concerned, I realise the privilege I have because I do live at home and don’t have a job right now so I should be able to balance this, but lately I just feel like it’s becoming impossible.😕
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hoelle
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(Original post by Missvo59)
Hm... seems like your mum is more understanding than your father. Maybe sit down and explain to him how much stress this situation is putting on you and its not fair for you to struggle when he could alleviate some of your stress.
Ofc theres a chance he may still continue how he is acting right now. Do you have any siblings who could help you and your mum?
No, I’m an only child. The reason I just feel like this is completely my problem is because my mum is a nurse and is mega tired right now because of covid. That and I’m worried if I move out for uni, she’ll be left to do everything...
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Moana92
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(Original post by hoelle)
You do have a point and perhaps I am overreacting. It’s just often times I feel like when I come home, the house is in a constant state and it’s my responsibility to make sure there’s nothing significant that needs done when my mum gets home from work.
I arrive home from 4-5 o’clock, take maybe 1-2 hours for general laundry and cleaning, make dinner and re-clean kitchen and then basic homework.
I’m making this post because I am concerned, I realise the privilege I have because I do live at home and don’t have a job right now so I should be able to balance this, but lately I just feel like it’s becoming impossible.😕
If your father is at work all day and your mother is cleaning, how is it getting into a state? Genuine question, I'm not being sarcy. Because this may be a case of prevention rather than cure. Could you implement some strategies so that there's less chores to begin with? Is getting a cleaner in an option if your Dad is working a lot, then he must have a spare £10 a week he could spare on a cleaner?
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paul514
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(Original post by hoelle)
You do have a point and perhaps I am overreacting. It’s just often times I feel like when I come home, the house is in a constant state and it’s my responsibility to make sure there’s nothing significant that needs done when my mum gets home from work.
I arrive home from 4-5 o’clock, take maybe 1-2 hours for general laundry and cleaning, make dinner and re-clean kitchen and then basic homework.
I’m making this post because I am concerned, I realise the privilege I have because I do live at home and don’t have a job right now so I should be able to balance this, but lately I just feel like it’s becoming impossible.😕
Then seriously as you have mentioned mental health you should look at the reason you feel like it is so difficult to do reasonable tasks.
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hoelle
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(Original post by Moana92)
If your father is at work all day and your mother is cleaning, how is it getting into a state? Genuine question, I'm not being sarcy. Because this may be a case of prevention rather than cure. Could you implement some strategies so that there's less chores to begin with? Is getting a cleaner in an option if your Dad is working a lot, then he must have a spare £10 a week he could spare on a cleaner?
Sorry I should have mentioned, my mum is a nurse, dad works at home. The majority of the general mess is kitchen stuff (from breakfast or lunch etc) or cleaning the floors.
A cleaner is a good idea, I might ask about it - thanks!☺️
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Missvo59
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I think its unfair to say the OP is overreacting. Especially when we see quiet often in many households how the mum does all the chores and the dads are reluctant to hell. Its unfair for the chores to fall on just 2 people, a nurse and a student at that!
You are justified to feel annoyed and stressed. If your dad refuses to help and theres nothing you can do about that, maybe you should find a schedule that works for the 2 of you. Eg you do the chores when shes at work and she does the chores on the days shes off - this gives you time to revise. But also change up your chores eg only do the hoover twice a week, do a large wash once a week and cook lots of food at once so it can be stored in the fridge for a couple days - this should help reduce your workload
Last edited by Missvo59; 4 weeks ago
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by hoelle)
Sorry I should have mentioned, my mum is a nurse, dad works at home. The majority of the general mess is kitchen stuff (from breakfast or lunch etc) or cleaning the floors.
A cleaner is a good idea, I might ask about it - thanks!☺️
If your dad works from home, not to be rude, thens hes just a ****. Because he has it so much easier than your mum and he still leaves all the chores to the 2 people not at home. It wouldnt kill him to do the laundry and wash some plates during his lunch break. I dont see how you can be married to someone and treat them like some maid to do all the chores after a 10 hr shift at the hospital 🤢
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Moana92)
If your father is at work all day and your mother is cleaning, how is it getting into a state? Genuine question, I'm not being sarcy. Because this may be a case of prevention rather than cure. Could you implement some strategies so that there's less chores to begin with? Is getting a cleaner in an option if your Dad is working a lot, then he must have a spare £10 a week he could spare on a cleaner?
You shouldnt need a cleaner for a 3 person household. If the dad pulled his weight and helped out im sure all parties would be less stressed and certainly stay sane
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tamil fever
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Damn not going to lie that is alot to handle. Especially with cleaning the floors etc and everything. Honestly, have a talk with your dad. If he doesn't listen talk to your mum when you can. And if she doesn't listen then honestly just leave it and do what you are able to , because you can't be doing everything when your dad works from home.
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Moana92
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(Original post by hoelle)
Sorry I should have mentioned, my mum is a nurse, dad works at home. The majority of the general mess is kitchen stuff (from breakfast or lunch etc) or cleaning the floors.
A cleaner is a good idea, I might ask about it - thanks!☺️
Right, so if it's the kitchen we need to think of interventions to help you in that area. Do you have a dishwasher? Could you batch cook on a Sunday to that all meals are prepared for a week and that you don't have to do any food prep during the week and add to the mess? Are there some stuff you could buy readymade instead of cooking Fresh e.g vegetables that are already peeled and cut up to loosen the workload? This week, look closely at the work that you do and think "is there a way that this could be avoided?"
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bones-mccoy
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Sorry but work is no excuse not to clean. There are single parents out there who look after their kids, go to work and still manage to clean. It's perfectly doable between 3 of you. And if my partner was working 10/12 hour shifts as a nurse in the current state of the world then you better believe I'd do as much of the housework as I reasonably could, even if I was also working.

It sounds like it's a case of people not cleaning up after themselves more than anything. If the majority of mess is dirty plates and dishes then it's sheer laziness, it's not like it's mess that's built up over time like the carpet needing hoovering or the washing being shoved in the dryer. If everyone took two minutes to put things away, wipe down the surfaces and put dirty plates in the dishwasher there wouldn't be a problem. I do think your dad is the main issue here though - he could easily spend 30 minutes of a break doing a bit of housework like a normal, functioning adult is supposed to.
Last edited by bones-mccoy; 4 weeks ago
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