How do I move on?

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Anonymous #1
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I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now and we’re generally very happy. We moved in together during the pandemic and have lived together for about 5 months. Before I met him last year, we had been friends for a year online. We started talking in 2018 when we matched on Tinder, but didn’t meet until exactly a year later when I came back to England (I live in Scotland).

From the time we started talking, I knew I really liked him. I’m usually fairly certain once I’ve decided I liked somebody and he seemed great. He appeared to like me back just as much - even more.

After about 2 months of FaceTiming every day for hours and messaging constantly, he went on holidays. After a few days there he became cold and distant and eventually blocked me, laughing as he did it like it had all been a huge joke. I felt like I was 13 and somebody was asking me out for a laugh.

A few months later I was still hung up on the whole thing, I’d been so invested that I didn’t know what to do with myself to move on. One night I was awake late and I got a message from him on Instagram. I replied and we ended up FaceTiming for the whole night. We chatted like nothing had happened and he told me I hadn’t done anything wrong, that he was going through something at the time. I accepted it but later found out it was because he had slept with a girl there and was more interested in her.

We didn’t talk for a couple of months though we remained on each other’s social media, and eventually at the start of 2020 we began FaceTiming again. We were best friends again straight away and I knew I would be heart broken if it ended badly.

He would constantly compliment me or tell me he loved me “as a friendly joke” and made it very clear he liked me. We agreed that it was unlikely we’d ever meet and so there was no point pursuing a relationship, regardless of how much we liked each other.

He got over it much quicker than I did and soon he was telling me stories about all the girls he’d gotten with and was texting at that time. He even showed me a picture of a girl sitting on his lap after they had had sex. I laughed it off at the time because I was just happy to have him in my life - even as a friend.

A few weeks later - he blocked me again. This time it was because he had a mental breakdown and deleted all of his social media. I accepted this and tried to help as much as I could, but ended up being completely cut off. I moved on as best I could until once again, he texted me.

It took longer to get back to normal this time but once we did I knew it was different. He told me he hadn’t actually gotten with anyone in over a year and that I was the only girl he was talking to. I believed it and we met for the first time in person in August 2020.

We both loved each other at this point and since then he’s never been anything but loyal, however as time goes on I find out more and more things that I wish I’d known earlier.

He’d lied to me before we met when he told me he hadn’t been with anyone. He was still casually meeting up with a girl who he’d been friends with benefits with for over 2 years. He met her for the last time 2 months before we met, however talked briefly to her in July without saying anything. I understand he wasn’t committed to me as such then but as I said earlier he had told me a completely different story about that time period.

He’d promised me over and over that the last girl he’d slept with was on holidays and he was only interested in me - however that clearly wasn’t the case and I’m sure I still don’t know everything.

The only huge issue we’ve had in our relationship since August was when I discovered other girls nudes on his phone from two years ago, which he claimed he didn’t know about. I forgave it because it was in a backup folder from his old phone full of thousands of other pictures.

My problem is I know all of this was in the past but I still can’t get past it. When you’re friend zoned you learn more than you’d like to about the person you love - things you especially don’t want to know as their girlfriend.

I love him and I don’t want to break up with him but I know I’m going to ruin things if I don’t learn to stop focusing on the past.

I know this is unbelievably longwinded and probably sounds beyond immature but if anyone has any similar experience or advice that would be great. Please limit the hate if you feel like verbally boxing me in the face because I’m stressed as it is!
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historynerd47
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No hate here! I think you need to think about how to move forward: you can't un-know the information that you have found out over the last few months/years, so you need to decide whether you are willing to put up with it or not.
Personally I would walk away, I don't like the on/off behaviour, but it is entirely up to you. What do your friends think of the situation? They know you both, it might be interesting to hear their opinion on him
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learner38
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I’m sorry but your being treated like trash. You don’t deserve someone who is not consistent with you. He’s clearly hurting your feeling and making you confused. You literally don’t deserve someone like that. You need to leave him hes using your forgiving nature against you. Goodluck in life may this relationship be a life lesson to never go back to a cheater and to never settle for less. I hope you are ok Ik it’s going to be hard❤️
Last edited by learner38; 4 weeks ago
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learner38
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Also I have dealt with something similar the boy aired me for hours then got upset whenever we didn’t talk. He then proceeded to say that he loves that I talk to him. And I never realised I was being taking as a joke. There was many red flags like him talking about his ex’s constantly, airing me, talking about his one true love and the girls little sister who has the same name as me which I just felt like a kick in he face. Also him never wanting to FaceTime and stuff. I dealed with that for a year and he wasn’t even my bf I just liked him and my mental health was bad and he was making it worse. I felt better when I stopped texting him and acting like his puppy.
Last edited by learner38; 4 weeks ago
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
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(Original post by historynerd47)
No hate here! I think you need to think about how to move forward: you can't un-know the information that you have found out over the last few months/years, so you need to decide whether you are willing to put up with it or not.
Personally I would walk away, I don't like the on/off behaviour, but it is entirely up to you. What do your friends think of the situation? They know you both, it might be interesting to hear their opinion on him
Thanks so much. To be fair since we officially got together, as in the day we met, he’s been completely loyal. He’s never given any reason for me not to trust him and he’s never hidden anything from me in terms of his phone and messages etc. I have no reason not to trust him now but all my issues come from the things he did before we got together. I don’t know if I’m crazy or if it’s normal to feel like this. My friends and family adore him and my mom has told me that she completely understands me being hurt by everything, but as far as she can see he adores me now. Nobody I know has a bad word to say about him and neither would I. That’s why I feel like I’m driving myself insane over things in the past!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by learner38)
Also I have dealt with something similar the boy aired me for hours then got upset whenever we didn’t talk. He then proceeded to say that he loves that I talk to him. And I never realised I was being taking as a joke. There was many red flags like him talking about his ex’s constantly, airing me, talking about his one true love and the girls little sister who has the same name as me which I just felt like a kick in he face. Also him never wanting to FaceTime and stuff. I dealed with that for a year and he wasn’t even my bf I just liked him and my mental health was bad and he was making it worse. I felt better when I stopped texting him and acting like his puppy.
Thanks so much for replying ❤️ Honestly I know now I should have stopped talking to him ages ago but I’m too far in now and I love him. I know he loves me and is committed to me now and I know he would never dream of cheating on me, I just don’t know if I’m supposed to separate him in the past and him now. I know he wasn’t my boyfriend when he was doing all these things but does that mean I have to forgive and forget everything? I’m so confused
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historynerd47
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks so much. To be fair since we officially got together, as in the day we met, he’s been completely loyal. He’s never given any reason for me not to trust him and he’s never hidden anything from me in terms of his phone and messages etc. I have no reason not to trust him now but all my issues come from the things he did before we got together. I don’t know if I’m crazy or if it’s normal to feel like this. My friends and family adore him and my mom has told me that she completely understands me being hurt by everything, but as far as she can see he adores me now. Nobody I know has a bad word to say about him and neither would I. That’s why I feel like I’m driving myself insane over things in the past!
That's really interesting that the people around you like him, that's a good sign. I don't think you are anything like crazy, all I would say is that you are both young and his behaviour in that context could easily change with maturity- especially if he has been loyal and is not secretive
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learner38
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks so much for replying ❤️ Honestly I know now I should have stopped talking to him ages ago but I’m too far in now and I love him. I know he loves me and is committed to me now and I know he would never dream of cheating on me, I just don’t know if I’m supposed to separate him in the past and him now. I know he wasn’t my boyfriend when he was doing all these things but does that mean I have to forgive and forget everything? I’m so confused
Wait soo he wasn’t your boyfriend but he cheated?
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Anonymous #1
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We were talking and had arranged to meet up. He told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and if I’d known he was sleeping with someone then I wouldn’t have met him. That’s why I feel kind of played. As far as I knew we were only talking to each other and knew we were going to meet soon.

(Original post by learner38)
Wait soo he wasn’t your boyfriend but he cheated?
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Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
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(Original post by historynerd47)
That's really interesting that the people around you like him, that's a good sign. I don't think you are anything like crazy, all I would say is that you are both young and his behaviour in that context could easily change with maturity- especially if he has been loyal and is not secretive
I hope you’re right. He’s like a completely different person now and I think I just need to accept that people do change for the better sometimes I hope
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pancakesbob7
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#11
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now and we’re generally very happy. We moved in together during the pandemic and have lived together for about 5 months. Before I met him last year, we had been friends for a year online. We started talking in 2018 when we matched on Tinder, but didn’t meet until exactly a year later when I came back to England (I live in Scotland).

From the time we started talking, I knew I really liked him. I’m usually fairly certain once I’ve decided I liked somebody and he seemed great. He appeared to like me back just as much - even more.

After about 2 months of FaceTiming every day for hours and messaging constantly, he went on holidays. After a few days there he became cold and distant and eventually blocked me, laughing as he did it like it had all been a huge joke. I felt like I was 13 and somebody was asking me out for a laugh.

A few months later I was still hung up on the whole thing, I’d been so invested that I didn’t know what to do with myself to move on. One night I was awake late and I got a message from him on Instagram. I replied and we ended up FaceTiming for the whole night. We chatted like nothing had happened and he told me I hadn’t done anything wrong, that he was going through something at the time. I accepted it but later found out it was because he had slept with a girl there and was more interested in her.

We didn’t talk for a couple of months though we remained on each other’s social media, and eventually at the start of 2020 we began FaceTiming again. We were best friends again straight away and I knew I would be heart broken if it ended badly.

He would constantly compliment me or tell me he loved me “as a friendly joke” and made it very clear he liked me. We agreed that it was unlikely we’d ever meet and so there was no point pursuing a relationship, regardless of how much we liked each other.

He got over it much quicker than I did and soon he was telling me stories about all the girls he’d gotten with and was texting at that time. He even showed me a picture of a girl sitting on his lap after they had had sex. I laughed it off at the time because I was just happy to have him in my life - even as a friend.

A few weeks later - he blocked me again. This time it was because he had a mental breakdown and deleted all of his social media. I accepted this and tried to help as much as I could, but ended up being completely cut off. I moved on as best I could until once again, he texted me.

It took longer to get back to normal this time but once we did I knew it was different. He told me he hadn’t actually gotten with anyone in over a year and that I was the only girl he was talking to. I believed it and we met for the first time in person in August 2020.

We both loved each other at this point and since then he’s never been anything but loyal, however as time goes on I find out more and more things that I wish I’d known earlier.

He’d lied to me before we met when he told me he hadn’t been with anyone. He was still casually meeting up with a girl who he’d been friends with benefits with for over 2 years. He met her for the last time 2 months before we met, however talked briefly to her in July without saying anything. I understand he wasn’t committed to me as such then but as I said earlier he had told me a completely different story about that time period.

He’d promised me over and over that the last girl he’d slept with was on holidays and he was only interested in me - however that clearly wasn’t the case and I’m sure I still don’t know everything.

The only huge issue we’ve had in our relationship since August was when I discovered other girls nudes on his phone from two years ago, which he claimed he didn’t know about. I forgave it because it was in a backup folder from his old phone full of thousands of other pictures.

My problem is I know all of this was in the past but I still can’t get past it. When you’re friend zoned you learn more than you’d like to about the person you love - things you especially don’t want to know as their girlfriend.

I love him and I don’t want to break up with him but I know I’m going to ruin things if I don’t learn to stop focusing on the past.

I know this is unbelievably longwinded and probably sounds beyond immature but if anyone has any similar experience or advice that would be great. Please limit the hate if you feel like verbally boxing me in the face because I’m stressed as it is!
I'm sorry you had to deal with such an awfully toxic guy....! Mayve like...break up with him? Sorry I don't have any experience, but I'd personally try to get over this absolute trashbag of a human (...is he even human if he treats girls like this???) by filling your days with other things to distract you e.g.meeting up with friends, finding a new hobby or pursuing a hobby you never got round to doing. Yes, everything I've said is way easier said than done, but no pain, no gain!

I'd also binge watch b99 with ice cream (if you haven't watched Brookyln Nine Nine before, I beg you to watch it...so funny!)

Just wondering if it's the lack of closure which is making it extra hard to move on? Or just the fact that you've liked him for so long that you've imagined all these nice, dream scenarios with him that you can't let go of?

I wish you the best of luck my friend, and remember that me and the other repliers to this thread are here for you... <3
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by pancakesbob7)
I'm sorry you had to deal with such an awfully toxic guy....! Mayve like...break up with him? Sorry I don't have any experience, but I'd personally try to get over this absolute trashbag of a human (...is he even human if he treats girls like this???) by filling your days with other things to distract you e.g.meeting up with friends, finding a new hobby or pursuing a hobby you never got round to doing. Yes, everything I've said is way easier said than done, but no pain, no gain!

I'd also binge watch b99 with ice cream (if you haven't watched Brookyln Nine Nine before, I beg you to watch it...so funny!)

Just wondering if it's the lack of closure which is making it extra hard to move on? Or just the fact that you've liked him for so long that you've imagined all these nice, dream scenarios with him that you can't let go of?

I wish you the best of luck my friend, and remember that me and the other repliers to this thread are here for you... <3
Haha you’re probably right! B99 and ice cream sounds great right about now 😁

I think lack of closure is a good way to put it but I think it’s more like I never worked through those issues before I got into a relationship you know? Like I carried all those issues from back then into our relationship and I feel like I’m only trying to get closure on the whole thing now so I can move on.

I think I did romanticise the whole “falling in love thing”. I always imagined we’d meet and he’d fall in love with me and we’d be together forever type of thing hahah. When we eventually got together it was still amazing and I love him but I never imagined it would come with this much baggage.

I do believe in right person wrong time though and sometimes I think that it was just the wrong time back then.

Thanks so much for the reply everyone is so kind on here!❤️🥺
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