NB - got discharged from mh services after 4+ years because apparently I'm 'better' (haha) so my only therapy is ranting to strangers online
basically I got a lower IB score than expected despite working really hard throughout the last 2 years despite a lot of difficult personal stuff going on, I'm an all-or-nothing person and I was terrified about telling my parents I'd done badly so I kinda relapsed & tried to do an impulsive thing long story short it didn't work and I had to pull myself together and register for exams. I'd always found solace in doing exams, school always felt like a haven to me whenever life was tough and focusing on work helped take my mind off things. However, I'm feeling kinda stressed at the moment.
The Exams I'm taking in November are:
- IB HL Chemistry
- IB HL Biology
- IB SL Mathematics
I only recently found out that there's also a May examination session where Paper 3 for Chemistry and Biology has been cut out? Which would be less revision over a longer time period? I'm not sure how it would be seen by medical schools (GMC have confirmed November exams are not technically retakes as it's the first time we've sat the exams) but I feel like an idiot??? When was this option available? Am I being really idiotic by doing all my exams now and also doing the extra papers for Chemistry and Biology? I understand that I'm preparing for a career in a high stress environment but is my schedule realistic? I'd imagine it's too late to switch to the May session but I'm worried that I won't perform as well in the November exams. I was also planning on taking Latin but I ultimately decided not to because I got a 6 and whilst it isn't a 7, it's not paramount to my med school application so I can live with a 6. I need to cancel the exam however and school has said it's up to me but I'm not sure how to cancel it because I registered through school?
I'm also redoing my Chemistry IA & Biology IA at the moment but I'm hoping to get these finished ASAP so I can just focus on revision. I'm living off a weird Thatcherian routine of 4 hours of sleep and lots of coffee, I know it's not healthy but I really need to do well and I can't waste any precious time. I can (somewhat) relax once exams are done but I feel guilty whenever I take a break from work because I feel like I'm ruining my chances of success. I feel like such a failure, I know that I couldn't take the exams in Summer because of COVID-19 but it feels like it's all my fault that my grades went down in Summer and so I need to work twice as hard to push myself. I can't afford to get bad grades, this is my last shot. I feel so crap, especially because everybody else is having fun and going off to do fun things but I know I don't deserve that because I need to get better grades. My sisters are doing really well in school at the moment and I'm really happy for them but I hate being seen as stupid compared to them. I feel like I've let my parents down and my teachers down and I just feel like a massive burden for not going to uni this year. I always found validation via academic achievement and now I just feel worthless.
has anyone else been in a similar position? does it all work out okay in the end? I just want to get through this and start my life, I'm fascinated by medicine and physiology and I really want to work in healthcare. I'm usually okay with stress, I stayed calm and focused throughout my IB and got on with my work but I've been feeling on edge recently and it feels like I'm verging on mental collapse again but I don't have time to have a breakdown at the moment because there's too much work to do and AAAAAAAAAAAAA