How on earth do I make friends when studying remotely?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
Hi so a lot of people are studying remotely in my course. Our first semester basically features no in person teaching so everything is going to be online. I should be relieved in the sense that everyone is having the same issue of meeting people one on one. Even people who are living in flats (unlike me) dont have much of an advantage due to social restrictions and they cannot meet anyone else in person apart from other flat mates.

Moving onto the major issue, I have joined a debating society and have had online meetings with group of my peers during freshers week. Meeting new people isn't hard but how on earth can you have one on one conversations with a specific person if it's a group meeting as it was for our society and freshers? It's not like u can talk to a person for longer than 5 minutes without other people feeling left out. You also have to focus on many people which gives less connection to any one of them.

Group chats also have same issue. People talk sure but make no effort to get to know each other personally. It just is hard without making other peeps feel excluded. And I feel like a creep saying 'Hi can you add me so I can get to know you?'.

Another issue, sometimes I meet people on group chats with similar interests but Im afraid of DMing them individually because usually they are not in my year. I kind of feel like talking to people not in your year group is wierd as I have only been used to socialising with my own year throughout high school.

Even if I do DM people, it feels kind of wierd asking for face to face calls again and again to same guy. Feels kind of invasive but of course it wouldnt be if it was in person.

TLDR: You cant make one to one connections in group meetings since everyone talks to everyone and expects same of you. I would rather talk to the person I click with for whole meeting. Just me and them.
Feels like stalking when u randomly DM someone and ask for face to face call.
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21ForEva
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#2
Report 4 weeks ago
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Hey

I've seen a few posts like this now - sorry to hear it's been a problem for you. But hey, you've seen a good-ish side to this by saying everyone else is in the same boat at un.

1- How on earth can you have one on one conversations with a specific person? --> Well can't you suggest to the debate team, during one of those calls, that they create a WhatsApp group so you're sorted with having close contact details for each person. Then suggest to get to know each person, you do some sort of speed-friendship test where each person has 5 minutes to ask do a Q/A. E.g. you have to ask a question starting with the letter A alll the way to Z. That way, you could quickly get the gist of who each person is. Then suggest you do something like this at the beginning of every debate meeting as an ice breaker (when really, you just want to get to know individuals)

You also have to focus on many people which gives less connection to any one of them. --> 100% I agree with you. You're so right. I hope the ice breaker activities up there help !

2 - And I feel like a creep saying 'Hi can you add me so I can get to know you?' --> Lol you're hilarious. Yes it's creepy when you guys first do a WhatsApp group chat and you pick one of the team members and PM them :P But after those ice breaker challenges each week, you'll probably share a mutual connection with at least 1 person. Hey, maybe the other person might jump in first and private message you!

3 - I kind of feel like talking to people not in your year group is wierd as I have only been used to socialising with my own year throughout high school. --> Nah don't ever feel that way. I used to talk to people in the year below and above. Never did anyone any harm with mixing with other age groups. I mean, it shouldn't matter to them or you. It's so not weird. It shouldn't matter what age people are and shouldn't make it weird if you're 18 and they are, I don't know 22.

4 - Even if I do DM people, it feels kind of wierd asking for face to face calls again and again to same guy --> Asking someone to make a phone call either face to face or via a text message is more or less the same thing. You're just asking to chat over the phone - you're not asking them to "wire you the money and nobody gets hurt" :P :P

I find it kinda funny because in this generation we're so used to just hopping on our phones to message, DM, snap, like, tweet etc etc. but when it comes to something as simple as making friends remotely, all hope goes out the window. Haven't you ever made friends with anyone online e.g. social media platforms via forums or comment sections or just DM'ing someone? It's all the same when it comes to remote/online uni classes.

Hope the advice and ideas help.

Not much else anyone can offer I'm afraid because it's a "c'est la vie" situation right now which we can't really control.
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Anonymous #2
#3
Report 4 weeks ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi so a lot of people are studying remotely in my course. Our first semester basically features no in person teaching so everything is going to be online. I should be relieved in the sense that everyone is having the same issue of meeting people one on one. Even people who are living in flats (unlike me) dont have much of an advantage due to social restrictions and they cannot meet anyone else in person apart from other flat mates.

Moving onto the major issue, I have joined a debating society and have had online meetings with group of my peers during freshers week. Meeting new people isn't hard but how on earth can you have one on one conversations with a specific person if it's a group meeting as it was for our society and freshers? It's not like u can talk to a person for longer than 5 minutes without other people feeling left out. You also have to focus on many people which gives less connection to any one of them.

Group chats also have same issue. People talk sure but make no effort to get to know each other personally. It just is hard without making other peeps feel excluded. And I feel like a creep saying 'Hi can you add me so I can get to know you?'.

Another issue, sometimes I meet people on group chats with similar interests but Im afraid of DMing them individually because usually they are not in my year. I kind of feel like talking to people not in your year group is wierd as I have only been used to socialising with my own year throughout high school.

Even if I do DM people, it feels kind of wierd asking for face to face calls again and again to same guy. Feels kind of invasive but of course it wouldnt be if it was in person.

TLDR: You cant make one to one connections in group meetings since everyone talks to everyone and expects same of you. I would rather talk to the person I click with for whole meeting. Just me and them.
Feels like stalking when u randomly DM someone and ask for face to face call.
At Uni, What year someone is in doesn't matter.
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#4
Hi! It's the original poster again. Just wanted to give a quick update on where I am with making friends.

I've been DMing this person in year 3 of the same course since we share the same interests. But after just a few text messages, they hasn't contact me in like a week even when my last reply was a question about how their time as a first year was. I know it doesn't matter what year someone is but I always tend to get more reception from other first years. This makes sense. Why would a third year want to make new friends when they've already got some? Clearly I am not a high enough priority to reply to. They must be too busy with current friends to care about new ones from first year. That's the issue with making friends from higher years. They already have their group. Why would they take the effort to connect with someone new?

I DMed another person just asking about how she's managing to cope with the course and whether she also finds it hard and never got a reply even though we're both freshers. Haven't had a reply in ages despite reading message. So yeah shut down for no reason. This is why I prefer face to face conversations. Cos by texting they can just ignore.

On the other hand, I've been having friendly very fun conversations with some of the people in my class. We have a group chat. My only worry is that they were very outgoing and extroverted whereas I'm an introvert and a bit shy. They can easily do better than me if they want friends. If I shut down this negative mentality, I should connect with them but I thought it was worth mentioning. Who wants to make friends with a shy person when there are better options?

I also think I have made a friend already but I'm worried again that they would meet other people and ditch me. Once I make some connections with my class group I shall worry less about this. She meets a lot of people everyday and I fear I will be left out of the picture soon. I try to as well but it's exhausting so I stick to chatting to few people like classmates. Quality > quantity imo.

TLDR: Its all so difficult when its online. People can easily ignore you. Making friends with higher years is silly because they will never have the time for you due to current friends. It's sad that I cant even have long, rich conversation with someone who is into the same stuff (fishing). There is no fishing society btw at my uni. The only option is other freshers and pray you get lucky. I wish I knew how to live without friends and that our society didn't look down on lonely people. But I know that without friends, I will feel inadequate. I guess I try to connect with other people because it's the normal thing. Not that I'm bad at it but it would be so easy to just not care about anyone else who isnt family and do ur own thing. I've tried this before and I felt depressed.


I'm a guy btw if anyone was wondering.
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21ForEva
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#5
Report 3 weeks ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi! It's the original poster again. Just wanted to give a quick update on where I am with making friends.

I've been DMing this person in year 3 of the same course since we share the same interests. But after just a few text messages, they hasn't contact me in like a week even when my last reply was a question about how their time as a first year was. I know it doesn't matter what year someone is but I always tend to get more reception from other first years. This makes sense. Why would a third year want to make new friends when they've already got some? Clearly I am not a high enough priority to reply to. They must be too busy with current friends to care about new ones from first year. That's the issue with making friends from higher years. They already have their group. Why would they take the effort to connect with someone new?

I DMed another person just asking about how she's managing to cope with the course and whether she also finds it hard and never got a reply even though we're both freshers. Haven't had a reply in ages despite reading message. So yeah shut down for no reason. This is why I prefer face to face conversations. Cos by texting they can just ignore.

On the other hand, I've been having friendly very fun conversations with some of the people in my class. We have a group chat. My only worry is that they were very outgoing and extroverted whereas I'm an introvert and a bit shy. They can easily do better than me if they want friends. If I shut down this negative mentality, I should connect with them but I thought it was worth mentioning. Who wants to make friends with a shy person when there are better options?

I also think I have made a friend already but I'm worried again that they would meet other people and ditch me. Once I make some connections with my class group I shall worry less about this. She meets a lot of people everyday and I fear I will be left out of the picture soon. I try to as well but it's exhausting so I stick to chatting to few people like classmates. Quality > quantity imo.

TLDR: Its all so difficult when its online. People can easily ignore you. Making friends with higher years is silly because they will never have the time for you due to current friends. It's sad that I cant even have long, rich conversation with someone who is into the same stuff (fishing). There is no fishing society btw at my uni. The only option is other freshers and pray you get lucky. I wish I knew how to live without friends and that our society didn't look down on lonely people. But I know that without friends, I will feel inadequate. I guess I try to connect with other people because it's the normal thing. Not that I'm bad at it but it would be so easy to just not care about anyone else who isnt family and do ur own thing. I've tried this before and I felt depressed.


I'm a guy btw if anyone was wondering.
Hey there

Look, you've just started talking to this person. You don't know them well enough. So you're jumping to conclusions and rushing off assuming so many different reasons as to why they're not responding to you. I mean, they could be going through something rough or serious right now. You should not generalise over a whole group of "3rd years" or any group of people and assume they're all the same. 3rd year, 4th year, 6th year - everyone needs a friend and when you're lonely, it doesn't matter what age that friend is so people from other year groups are bound to talk you (and it shouldn't matter to you either)!

You know what - not EVERYONE has made their cliques by 3rd year. I know it's not exactly the same but I was in a 3 year apprenticeship and my cohort and I were mega close in the first year before everyone found new teams in our company. We carried on with lunches and talking on our massive group chat (fun times lol) but eventually by month 18, we dissolved into our own cliques. Well, actually I never found a new clique to join up with and in my 3rd/final year of the apprenticeship, I actually started hanging out with the new apprenticeship cohort (1st years) and that really helped me. So there's gonna be sooo many 3rd years who don't even have a clique or who just want new people to talk to!

Lol with that 2nd person - they could ignore you face to face as well. Yes it's easy to ignore via phone. But if covid didn't happen and you approached them, they could fob you off by giving minimal replies and then running off with other people saying "I have somewhere else to be, let's chat soon." People have a A LOT more gumption in real life, than you think. They'll just act fake and hope you'll stop approaching them IRL - simple.

Honestly dude you sound like you got some self-love slash confidence issues. Did something bad happen with friends or bullies in high school?

You're overthinking everything. You just have to chill. I mean, making friends is not rocket science - you just make them or you don't, it's that simple. These extroverts in your class are talking to you because they don't see you as a shy person and they're probably not judging hard like you're doing with yourself. If they're the outgoing types, they're not even gonna care who they're talking to - they'll talk to ANYONE to fill up the silence in the air. I should know because I'm an extrovert myself - I will converse with anyone even if they are shy or don't talk much because I just love talking and filling up the room with energy.

And yes quality is better than quantity. I agree. But again, you shouldn't worry about this other person leaving you for better people. If they do, yeah you'll get upset about it but then you move on. You can't just expect friends to pop out of nowhere and you guys start this beautiful magical friendship and it goes on till you die kinda thing -- life doesn't work as easy as that unfortunately (speaking from experience). You gotta wait for good things no matter how hard you push or try. Which is why it's good to just chill and hold back a bit and eventually people will start coming to you.

This bit: I wish I knew how to live without friends and that our society didn't look down on lonely people --> this is very HUGE and heavy assumption to have on society. What do you mean by society looks like on lonely people? If you ask me, I'd look up to "lonely people" - let's rephrase that, I'd look up to people who can fly solo and be proud of just being in their own company. Nobody should judge a lonely person or a popular person - let them be innit. You're gonna eventually realise it's too much f*cking effort to find friends and keep them. Because it'll eventually wear you out if you keep thinking too much and overcomplicating a pre-friendship situation - it seems like you are premeditating events that might not even happen. And that can drive you insaneeee dude. You gotta stop. You have to put this situation into perspective.

Before I list the tips, why did you feel depressed when you just didn't care and chilled on your own? Did you do anything in your spare time to distract you from the fact that you didn't have many people hanging out with you? I'm in that position right now as we speak and I've been filling up my time with: video games (uncharted, the last of us and TWD), art (painting), special FX makeup (for Halloween) & reading about random topics like pirates, The Middle East, the supernatural. Maybe you should start picking up hobbies again if you feel like you're unsuccessful with making friends.

1 - Work on your self-love and appreciation --> Psych2Go have some great videos on that and help you try and deduce the problem you have with yourself e.g. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7pkZmJSXLY

2 - Don't read too much into messages from those uni peeps or whether they've taken X amount of days to reply --> you don't know them that well and instead you're just getting to know them. So don't judge so quickly or easily.

3 - Don't be so hard on yourself and think you're not good enough for people because YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. The fact that this outgoing and excited group of people are chatting to you goes to show that you're enough.

I hope this helps. PM if needed.
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