Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
Alright, rant time. Right so basically I'm doing college, I'm in year 13 and I have some "home problems" . Not the pathetic twitter user kind of problems either, I don't have false interpretations of a "bad middle class lifestyle " or anything, for gods sake I'd be grateful if I ever make it to the middle class to begin with.

So to start, my single mums a prossie. I know I know, "troll post" yeah keep reading ok? Prostitutes do exist, and they do have kids who attend college. This isn't an insult or anything either, she genuinely goes out to meet men she's found on dating websites, does whatever piggish requests they have, comes home with money they've gave her then after a few days/a week or so does a test. There's no relationship being attempted either, it's not like I'm reading the situation wrong - I've known for years, it's just what she does. She's come back pregnant twice in a year and a half, one aborted the other is being born near the end of the year (she's using this as an excuse for more money, boasting about the £400 the father will give her for baby clothes...). Mind you she hasn't only done it twice in the year or anything, just the times she's been pregnant from it. She also has been a daily drug user since she's been 12. She tried weed when she was 12 because "it was cool at the time" in her own words, and since has experimented with cocaine, crack and heroin. Now she's only smoking weed and cigarettes (5months pregnant),but since she's been doing it for so long it's safe to say it's not just a 10 she's buying a week, more like £50 worth, plus 10 daily on cigarettes. Secondly, she owes me £500 - for which she does this whole scene if I don't lend it to her (I've stopped now, but not being repayed). She'd scream, call me names, cry, call the police (got arrested for breaking a door which she did, got put on bail for it not sure if I have a record or anything but yeah), open doors and windows and shout I've hit her etc. My family think I abuse her and I get 'the talk' every time I see them, so I haven't spoken to any of them since christmas. I was raised in a BIG family who would all meet on weekends, so this isolation has also been very depressing but honestly it's safe to say no relationship can be made between us anymore. Same with my neighbours, they give me looks for incidents that simply didn't exist. I have been arrested multiple times, once when I called the police MYSELF, because she was going crazy. Lies were told, fake tears (more on that in a bit) were shed and eventually convincing enough bs was enough to get me arrested outside my house infront of everybody. Safe to say my view on myself is nothing anymore, I am perfectly accepting that any value I thought I had has been scraped away to the point I'm still walking around my neighbourhood with all these eyes on me and I don't care anymore. I should care, I haven't sone anything. I have been to CAHMS twice, and listen to this right - first time I had 1 meeting and was discharged straight away in 2019 February. They let her do the introduction meeting with me and she convinced them I'm fine and just putting an act on... after telling the police and family I'm breaking stuff and mentally ill? Now I don't know who let her do that meeting but I'm not ok man, like I don't do the the things she said I do, but I'm definitely not coping right. I've had self harm behaviour in the past (at the time of the first meeting, I stopped it a few months later) and also picked up smoking myself, secretly. I also had a period of time where I was numb, for like 3 years. I don't know what that was about either but that too has gone. Now I have these kind of feelings the body is like.. "not real" or something, and it's weight to move it? I don't know. And I have delusions too, I thought I was in hell once was rocking back and fourth in my room, they're scary I don't know if it's something I can keep to myself anymore. I have an urge to (please don't remove the post for this, I wont do any of this) rob someone or attack a stranger. Again, I won't but it's this feeling in my body, my chest my hands and head that flairs up when I think about it.? I've lost all motivation and do no work in or outside of college. I can't. I literally can not concentrate for more than 20 mins, I cant. It's not that I'm lazy, I just CANT and I really don't know what to do. Everyone is passing me on to somoene else I'm sick of it. Social services keep backing out (3rd time with them) because my mother won't let them in to talk to me, or give them my number. I did 4 months councelling 2 years ago which went nowhere because funding ran out, I was refered to another mental health service who said I was ok. Doctor keeps giving me leaflets. I mean I don't want all this I just want to like shout and let the tingling in my shoulders and chest go away you know? I'm very distressed right now sorry about the rambling

Today our WiFi has shown the first signs of being cut off. You know the kind of "it turned off,then back on, then off" kind of thing? I get if you don't know what I'm talking about but yeah that usually happens when it starts being cut off. We're 2 months behind in the payments, to which I can't put any money in. I cant she owes me too much. She's in £5000 debt overall + 500 to me, and managed to convince bayliffs not to kick us out. She has been on every network going, TalkTalk, Post Office, Virgin, Now TV all of them, because she doesn't pay. I can't do college work or even attempt to concentrate if she doesn't keep it on. I have no family I talk to anymore because of her, I cant go to college because they only care about bloating their administration and have this whole system which makes it incredibly hard to get help. They focus more on writing newsletters and renovating buildings than they do offering resources to help us - really. They have this whole new information centre, but it's just free online talks about Black history and random crap like "keeping track of any outside activities you do", which I know might be important or something, but for students like me they say "you can borrow a laptop if you want" (WITH NO WIFI MIND YOU) and then don't send me the forms to do so anyway because there's too many layers to get to that part. I have done NOTHING in lockdown, sat here, talked to some people and wasted away. I keep myself somewhat happy on my own, but I live in literal isolation. It's only been the few weeks I've been seeing friends.

I've started taking other substances too, because I really don't see an alternative. I know, "you can just not do that" and "you're in college you don't need to be doing that" but I don't know, if you've never been in the position where only a tab or smoke or etc makes you feel exited then I really don't care about anything you say related to the matter, no offence but it's like a alcohol-virgin trying to talk to an alcoholic, I'm sick of having these talks. Again this is a rant so sorry if it's harsh.

Been thinking about dropping out of college. I don't want to go anymore, I don't want to move down to BTEC, I don't want to do an apprenticeship I just want to get a council flat and live on my own for some time and recuperate. I just don't want to stay poor, what is there for me out there you know? I'm sick of not being able to concentrate and I'm sick of putting in the mental effort in college just to make an appearance. I slept for 4 hours just because it's that mentally exhausting. I don't want college's help because it's just like my schools. We'll do a few meetings, take you out of lessons near exam time, when funding runs out or you leave we'll drop you and give you a leaflet to somewhere else - just like school did, just like CAHMS did, just like social services did and just like counselling did. God it's lucky I'm not suicidal anymore, I was 2 years ago (I'd say that's when all my pent up feeling really burst out, not we're dealing with kind of remains of that). I has a knife hidden behind some draws, got rid of it when I realised that I'd rather live. I had a few months of happiness around GCSE time in 2019 but now it's just seems to be getting worse. Unbelievably worse. I don't want to hurt myself physically, but god I do want to hurt myself educationally and just "efforty". I want to STOP everything. Pause the feeling, pause the tingling, pause the house, pause college - walk to the other side of the constituency and then hit play again. I want to remove myself from everything. I already did that by locking myself in my room, but now my problems are coming closer and closer to the door, I keep my windows and door shut so I can mope in seclusion privately but now I'm getting everything sent online too, college pressures, social pressures. I'm just tired. I just want to not exist for 4 years. Give me a degree so I can make something of myself and let me work . I'm ready for the day to day mundane adult life - thats who I am, I'm not an exiting person I LOVE routine, so why do I have to suffer all this before hand?

TLDR: you don't have to read this, its a rant. I only posted it because I need to put my thoughts out somewhere, and since this is a site I use often I'll throw it out here. I'm not expecting any advice, or replies. I don't want to hear if you think I'm a troll because my circumstances seem so unlikely to you that you make some idea that it cant exist. I don't even want any friendly replies to be honest. Post whatever, I'm just sick of reading.Sick of all these voices (real people, not anything like mentally) reaching out and telling me whats good and bad, what's not supposed to be happening and whats normal. I'm anon because I use this site a lot so for obvious reason. I'm going to make a milkshake and sit on my bed in silence, that's the kind of mood I'm in. Try to understand what this swirling is in my head and this tingling in my arms. Goodnight and sorry. I even made the TLDR long...
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hanni_kindje
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#2
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Jesus christ man. I'm not gonna try and give advice because you've probably heard it all at this point but I really hope it gets better for you. Good luck ^^
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Anonymous #2
#3
Report 4 weeks ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Alright, rant time. Right so basically I'm doing college, I'm in year 13 and I have some "home problems" . Not the pathetic twitter user kind of problems either, I don't have false interpretations of a "bad middle class lifestyle " or anything, for gods sake I'd be grateful if I ever make it to the middle class to begin with.

So to start, my single mums a prossie. I know I know, "troll post" yeah keep reading ok? Prostitutes do exist, and they do have kids who attend college. This isn't an insult or anything either, she genuinely goes out to meet men she's found on dating websites, does whatever piggish requests they have, comes home with money they've gave her then after a few days/a week or so does a test. There's no relationship being attempted either, it's not like I'm reading the situation wrong - I've known for years, it's just what she does. She's come back pregnant twice in a year and a half, one aborted the other is being born near the end of the year (she's using this as an excuse for more money, boasting about the £400 the father will give her for baby clothes...). Mind you she hasn't only done it twice in the year or anything, just the times she's been pregnant from it. She also has been a daily drug user since she's been 12. She tried weed when she was 12 because "it was cool at the time" in her own words, and since has experimented with cocaine, crack and heroin. Now she's only smoking weed and cigarettes (5months pregnant),but since she's been doing it for so long it's safe to say it's not just a 10 she's buying a week, more like £50 worth, plus 10 daily on cigarettes. Secondly, she owes me £500 - for which she does this whole scene if I don't lend it to her (I've stopped now, but not being repayed). She'd scream, call me names, cry, call the police (got arrested for breaking a door which she did, got put on bail for it not sure if I have a record or anything but yeah), open doors and windows and shout I've hit her etc. My family think I abuse her and I get 'the talk' every time I see them, so I haven't spoken to any of them since christmas. I was raised in a BIG family who would all meet on weekends, so this isolation has also been very depressing but honestly it's safe to say no relationship can be made between us anymore. Same with my neighbours, they give me looks for incidents that simply didn't exist. I have been arrested multiple times, once when I called the police MYSELF, because she was going crazy. Lies were told, fake tears (more on that in a bit) were shed and eventually convincing enough bs was enough to get me arrested outside my house infront of everybody. Safe to say my view on myself is nothing anymore, I am perfectly accepting that any value I thought I had has been scraped away to the point I'm still walking around my neighbourhood with all these eyes on me and I don't care anymore. I should care, I haven't sone anything. I have been to CAHMS twice, and listen to this right - first time I had 1 meeting and was discharged straight away in 2019 February. They let her do the introduction meeting with me and she convinced them I'm fine and just putting an act on... after telling the police and family I'm breaking stuff and mentally ill? Now I don't know who let her do that meeting but I'm not ok man, like I don't do the the things she said I do, but I'm definitely not coping right. I've had self harm behaviour in the past (at the time of the first meeting, I stopped it a few months later) and also picked up smoking myself, secretly. I also had a period of time where I was numb, for like 3 years. I don't know what that was about either but that too has gone. Now I have these kind of feelings the body is like.. "not real" or something, and it's weight to move it? I don't know. And I have delusions too, I thought I was in hell once was rocking back and fourth in my room, they're scary I don't know if it's something I can keep to myself anymore. I have an urge to (please don't remove the post for this, I wont do any of this) rob someone or attack a stranger. Again, I won't but it's this feeling in my body, my chest my hands and head that flairs up when I think about it.? I've lost all motivation and do no work in or outside of college. I can't. I literally can not concentrate for more than 20 mins, I cant. It's not that I'm lazy, I just CANT and I really don't know what to do. Everyone is passing me on to somoene else I'm sick of it. Social services keep backing out (3rd time with them) because my mother won't let them in to talk to me, or give them my number. I did 4 months councelling 2 years ago which went nowhere because funding ran out, I was refered to another mental health service who said I was ok. Doctor keeps giving me leaflets. I mean I don't want all this I just want to like shout and let the tingling in my shoulders and chest go away you know? I'm very distressed right now sorry about the rambling

Today our WiFi has shown the first signs of being cut off. You know the kind of "it turned off,then back on, then off" kind of thing? I get if you don't know what I'm talking about but yeah that usually happens when it starts being cut off. We're 2 months behind in the payments, to which I can't put any money in. I cant she owes me too much. She's in £5000 debt overall + 500 to me, and managed to convince bayliffs not to kick us out. She has been on every network going, TalkTalk, Post Office, Virgin, Now TV all of them, because she doesn't pay. I can't do college work or even attempt to concentrate if she doesn't keep it on. I have no family I talk to anymore because of her, I cant go to college because they only care about bloating their administration and have this whole system which makes it incredibly hard to get help. They focus more on writing newsletters and renovating buildings than they do offering resources to help us - really. They have this whole new information centre, but it's just free online talks about Black history and random crap like "keeping track of any outside activities you do", which I know might be important or something, but for students like me they say "you can borrow a laptop if you want" (WITH NO WIFI MIND YOU) and then don't send me the forms to do so anyway because there's too many layers to get to that part. I have done NOTHING in lockdown, sat here, talked to some people and wasted away. I keep myself somewhat happy on my own, but I live in literal isolation. It's only been the few weeks I've been seeing friends.

I've started taking other substances too, because I really don't see an alternative. I know, "you can just not do that" and "you're in college you don't need to be doing that" but I don't know, if you've never been in the position where only a tab or smoke or etc makes you feel exited then I really don't care about anything you say related to the matter, no offence but it's like a alcohol-virgin trying to talk to an alcoholic, I'm sick of having these talks. Again this is a rant so sorry if it's harsh.

Been thinking about dropping out of college. I don't want to go anymore, I don't want to move down to BTEC, I don't want to do an apprenticeship I just want to get a council flat and live on my own for some time and recuperate. I just don't want to stay poor, what is there for me out there you know? I'm sick of not being able to concentrate and I'm sick of putting in the mental effort in college just to make an appearance. I slept for 4 hours just because it's that mentally exhausting. I don't want college's help because it's just like my schools. We'll do a few meetings, take you out of lessons near exam time, when funding runs out or you leave we'll drop you and give you a leaflet to somewhere else - just like school did, just like CAHMS did, just like social services did and just like counselling did. God it's lucky I'm not suicidal anymore, I was 2 years ago (I'd say that's when all my pent up feeling really burst out, not we're dealing with kind of remains of that). I has a knife hidden behind some draws, got rid of it when I realised that I'd rather live. I had a few months of happiness around GCSE time in 2019 but now it's just seems to be getting worse. Unbelievably worse. I don't want to hurt myself physically, but god I do want to hurt myself educationally and just "efforty". I want to STOP everything. Pause the feeling, pause the tingling, pause the house, pause college - walk to the other side of the constituency and then hit play again. I want to remove myself from everything. I already did that by locking myself in my room, but now my problems are coming closer and closer to the door, I keep my windows and door shut so I can mope in seclusion privately but now I'm getting everything sent online too, college pressures, social pressures. I'm just tired. I just want to not exist for 4 years. Give me a degree so I can make something of myself and let me work . I'm ready for the day to day mundane adult life - thats who I am, I'm not an exiting person I LOVE routine, so why do I have to suffer all this before hand?

TLDR: you don't have to read this, its a rant. I only posted it because I need to put my thoughts out somewhere, and since this is a site I use often I'll throw it out here. I'm not expecting any advice, or replies. I don't want to hear if you think I'm a troll because my circumstances seem so unlikely to you that you make some idea that it cant exist. I don't even want any friendly replies to be honest. Post whatever, I'm just sick of reading.Sick of all these voices (real people, not anything like mentally) reaching out and telling me whats good and bad, what's not supposed to be happening and whats normal. I'm anon because I use this site a lot so for obvious reason. I'm going to make a milkshake and sit on my bed in silence, that's the kind of mood I'm in. Try to understand what this swirling is in my head and this tingling in my arms. Goodnight and sorry. I even made the TLDR long...
i will be praying that your situation gets better; im so sorry that this is what you've had to deal with

the only bright side i can see is that often those who go through the greatest hardships come out the kindest. maybe in a few years, when things are hopefully easier, you'll be able to help someone who is facing a bad situation like the one you overcame. xx best wishes
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Scottishlad888
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#4
Report 4 weeks ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
Alright, rant time. Right so basically I'm doing college, I'm in year 13 and I have some "home problems" . Not the pathetic twitter user kind of problems either, I don't have false interpretations of a "bad middle class lifestyle " or anything, for gods sake I'd be grateful if I ever make it to the middle class to begin with.

So to start, my single mums a prossie. I know I know, "troll post" yeah keep reading ok? Prostitutes do exist, and they do have kids who attend college. This isn't an insult or anything either, she genuinely goes out to meet men she's found on dating websites, does whatever piggish requests they have, comes home with money they've gave her then after a few days/a week or so does a test. There's no relationship being attempted either, it's not like I'm reading the situation wrong - I've known for years, it's just what she does. She's come back pregnant twice in a year and a half, one aborted the other is being born near the end of the year (she's using this as an excuse for more money, boasting about the £400 the father will give her for baby clothes...). Mind you she hasn't only done it twice in the year or anything, just the times she's been pregnant from it. She also has been a daily drug user since she's been 12. She tried weed when she was 12 because "it was cool at the time" in her own words, and since has experimented with cocaine, crack and heroin. Now she's only smoking weed and cigarettes (5months pregnant),but since she's been doing it for so long it's safe to say it's not just a 10 she's buying a week, more like £50 worth, plus 10 daily on cigarettes. Secondly, she owes me £500 - for which she does this whole scene if I don't lend it to her (I've stopped now, but not being repayed). She'd scream, call me names, cry, call the police (got arrested for breaking a door which she did, got put on bail for it not sure if I have a record or anything but yeah), open doors and windows and shout I've hit her etc. My family think I abuse her and I get 'the talk' every time I see them, so I haven't spoken to any of them since christmas. I was raised in a BIG family who would all meet on weekends, so this isolation has also been very depressing but honestly it's safe to say no relationship can be made between us anymore. Same with my neighbours, they give me looks for incidents that simply didn't exist. I have been arrested multiple times, once when I called the police MYSELF, because she was going crazy. Lies were told, fake tears (more on that in a bit) were shed and eventually convincing enough bs was enough to get me arrested outside my house infront of everybody. Safe to say my view on myself is nothing anymore, I am perfectly accepting that any value I thought I had has been scraped away to the point I'm still walking around my neighbourhood with all these eyes on me and I don't care anymore. I should care, I haven't sone anything. I have been to CAHMS twice, and listen to this right - first time I had 1 meeting and was discharged straight away in 2019 February. They let her do the introduction meeting with me and she convinced them I'm fine and just putting an act on... after telling the police and family I'm breaking stuff and mentally ill? Now I don't know who let her do that meeting but I'm not ok man, like I don't do the the things she said I do, but I'm definitely not coping right. I've had self harm behaviour in the past (at the time of the first meeting, I stopped it a few months later) and also picked up smoking myself, secretly. I also had a period of time where I was numb, for like 3 years. I don't know what that was about either but that too has gone. Now I have these kind of feelings the body is like.. "not real" or something, and it's weight to move it? I don't know. And I have delusions too, I thought I was in hell once was rocking back and fourth in my room, they're scary I don't know if it's something I can keep to myself anymore. I have an urge to (please don't remove the post for this, I wont do any of this) rob someone or attack a stranger. Again, I won't but it's this feeling in my body, my chest my hands and head that flairs up when I think about it.? I've lost all motivation and do no work in or outside of college. I can't. I literally can not concentrate for more than 20 mins, I cant. It's not that I'm lazy, I just CANT and I really don't know what to do. Everyone is passing me on to somoene else I'm sick of it. Social services keep backing out (3rd time with them) because my mother won't let them in to talk to me, or give them my number. I did 4 months councelling 2 years ago which went nowhere because funding ran out, I was refered to another mental health service who said I was ok. Doctor keeps giving me leaflets. I mean I don't want all this I just want to like shout and let the tingling in my shoulders and chest go away you know? I'm very distressed right now sorry about the rambling

Today our WiFi has shown the first signs of being cut off. You know the kind of "it turned off,then back on, then off" kind of thing? I get if you don't know what I'm talking about but yeah that usually happens when it starts being cut off. We're 2 months behind in the payments, to which I can't put any money in. I cant she owes me too much. She's in £5000 debt overall + 500 to me, and managed to convince bayliffs not to kick us out. She has been on every network going, TalkTalk, Post Office, Virgin, Now TV all of them, because she doesn't pay. I can't do college work or even attempt to concentrate if she doesn't keep it on. I have no family I talk to anymore because of her, I cant go to college because they only care about bloating their administration and have this whole system which makes it incredibly hard to get help. They focus more on writing newsletters and renovating buildings than they do offering resources to help us - really. They have this whole new information centre, but it's just free online talks about Black history and random crap like "keeping track of any outside activities you do", which I know might be important or something, but for students like me they say "you can borrow a laptop if you want" (WITH NO WIFI MIND YOU) and then don't send me the forms to do so anyway because there's too many layers to get to that part. I have done NOTHING in lockdown, sat here, talked to some people and wasted away. I keep myself somewhat happy on my own, but I live in literal isolation. It's only been the few weeks I've been seeing friends.

I've started taking other substances too, because I really don't see an alternative. I know, "you can just not do that" and "you're in college you don't need to be doing that" but I don't know, if you've never been in the position where only a tab or smoke or etc makes you feel exited then I really don't care about anything you say related to the matter, no offence but it's like a alcohol-virgin trying to talk to an alcoholic, I'm sick of having these talks. Again this is a rant so sorry if it's harsh.

Been thinking about dropping out of college. I don't want to go anymore, I don't want to move down to BTEC, I don't want to do an apprenticeship I just want to get a council flat and live on my own for some time and recuperate. I just don't want to stay poor, what is there for me out there you know? I'm sick of not being able to concentrate and I'm sick of putting in the mental effort in college just to make an appearance. I slept for 4 hours just because it's that mentally exhausting. I don't want college's help because it's just like my schools. We'll do a few meetings, take you out of lessons near exam time, when funding runs out or you leave we'll drop you and give you a leaflet to somewhere else - just like school did, just like CAHMS did, just like social services did and just like counselling did. God it's lucky I'm not suicidal anymore, I was 2 years ago (I'd say that's when all my pent up feeling really burst out, not we're dealing with kind of remains of that). I has a knife hidden behind some draws, got rid of it when I realised that I'd rather live. I had a few months of happiness around GCSE time in 2019 but now it's just seems to be getting worse. Unbelievably worse. I don't want to hurt myself physically, but god I do want to hurt myself educationally and just "efforty". I want to STOP everything. Pause the feeling, pause the tingling, pause the house, pause college - walk to the other side of the constituency and then hit play again. I want to remove myself from everything. I already did that by locking myself in my room, but now my problems are coming closer and closer to the door, I keep my windows and door shut so I can mope in seclusion privately but now I'm getting everything sent online too, college pressures, social pressures. I'm just tired. I just want to not exist for 4 years. Give me a degree so I can make something of myself and let me work . I'm ready for the day to day mundane adult life - thats who I am, I'm not an exiting person I LOVE routine, so why do I have to suffer all this before hand?

TLDR: you don't have to read this, its a rant. I only posted it because I need to put my thoughts out somewhere, and since this is a site I use often I'll throw it out here. I'm not expecting any advice, or replies. I don't want to hear if you think I'm a troll because my circumstances seem so unlikely to you that you make some idea that it cant exist. I don't even want any friendly replies to be honest. Post whatever, I'm just sick of reading.Sick of all these voices (real people, not anything like mentally) reaching out and telling me whats good and bad, what's not supposed to be happening and whats normal. I'm anon because I use this site a lot so for obvious reason. I'm going to make a milkshake and sit on my bed in silence, that's the kind of mood I'm in. Try to understand what this swirling is in my head and this tingling in my arms. Goodnight and sorry. I even made the TLDR long...
To much to read l need to rest now
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Mason223
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#5
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Alright, rant time. Right so basically I'm doing college, I'm in year 13 and I have some "home problems" . Not the pathetic twitter user kind of problems either, I don't have false interpretations of a "bad middle class lifestyle " or anything, for gods sake I'd be grateful if I ever make it to the middle class to begin with.

So to start, my single mums a prossie. I know I know, "troll post" yeah keep reading ok? Prostitutes do exist, and they do have kids who attend college. This isn't an insult or anything either, she genuinely goes out to meet men she's found on dating websites, does whatever piggish requests they have, comes home with money they've gave her then after a few days/a week or so does a test. There's no relationship being attempted either, it's not like I'm reading the situation wrong - I've known for years, it's just what she does. She's come back pregnant twice in a year and a half, one aborted the other is being born near the end of the year (she's using this as an excuse for more money, boasting about the £400 the father will give her for baby clothes...). Mind you she hasn't only done it twice in the year or anything, just the times she's been pregnant from it. She also has been a daily drug user since she's been 12. She tried weed when she was 12 because "it was cool at the time" in her own words, and since has experimented with cocaine, crack and heroin. Now she's only smoking weed and cigarettes (5months pregnant),but since she's been doing it for so long it's safe to say it's not just a 10 she's buying a week, more like £50 worth, plus 10 daily on cigarettes. Secondly, she owes me £500 - for which she does this whole scene if I don't lend it to her (I've stopped now, but not being repayed). She'd scream, call me names, cry, call the police (got arrested for breaking a door which she did, got put on bail for it not sure if I have a record or anything but yeah), open doors and windows and shout I've hit her etc. My family think I abuse her and I get 'the talk' every time I see them, so I haven't spoken to any of them since christmas. I was raised in a BIG family who would all meet on weekends, so this isolation has also been very depressing but honestly it's safe to say no relationship can be made between us anymore. Same with my neighbours, they give me looks for incidents that simply didn't exist. I have been arrested multiple times, once when I called the police MYSELF, because she was going crazy. Lies were told, fake tears (more on that in a bit) were shed and eventually convincing enough bs was enough to get me arrested outside my house infront of everybody. Safe to say my view on myself is nothing anymore, I am perfectly accepting that any value I thought I had has been scraped away to the point I'm still walking around my neighbourhood with all these eyes on me and I don't care anymore. I should care, I haven't sone anything. I have been to CAHMS twice, and listen to this right - first time I had 1 meeting and was discharged straight away in 2019 February. They let her do the introduction meeting with me and she convinced them I'm fine and just putting an act on... after telling the police and family I'm breaking stuff and mentally ill? Now I don't know who let her do that meeting but I'm not ok man, like I don't do the the things she said I do, but I'm definitely not coping right. I've had self harm behaviour in the past (at the time of the first meeting, I stopped it a few months later) and also picked up smoking myself, secretly. I also had a period of time where I was numb, for like 3 years. I don't know what that was about either but that too has gone. Now I have these kind of feelings the body is like.. "not real" or something, and it's weight to move it? I don't know. And I have delusions too, I thought I was in hell once was rocking back and fourth in my room, they're scary I don't know if it's something I can keep to myself anymore. I have an urge to (please don't remove the post for this, I wont do any of this) rob someone or attack a stranger. Again, I won't but it's this feeling in my body, my chest my hands and head that flairs up when I think about it.? I've lost all motivation and do no work in or outside of college. I can't. I literally can not concentrate for more than 20 mins, I cant. It's not that I'm lazy, I just CANT and I really don't know what to do. Everyone is passing me on to somoene else I'm sick of it. Social services keep backing out (3rd time with them) because my mother won't let them in to talk to me, or give them my number. I did 4 months councelling 2 years ago which went nowhere because funding ran out, I was refered to another mental health service who said I was ok. Doctor keeps giving me leaflets. I mean I don't want all this I just want to like shout and let the tingling in my shoulders and chest go away you know? I'm very distressed right now sorry about the rambling

Today our WiFi has shown the first signs of being cut off. You know the kind of "it turned off,then back on, then off" kind of thing? I get if you don't know what I'm talking about but yeah that usually happens when it starts being cut off. We're 2 months behind in the payments, to which I can't put any money in. I cant she owes me too much. She's in £5000 debt overall + 500 to me, and managed to convince bayliffs not to kick us out. She has been on every network going, TalkTalk, Post Office, Virgin, Now TV all of them, because she doesn't pay. I can't do college work or even attempt to concentrate if she doesn't keep it on. I have no family I talk to anymore because of her, I cant go to college because they only care about bloating their administration and have this whole system which makes it incredibly hard to get help. They focus more on writing newsletters and renovating buildings than they do offering resources to help us - really. They have this whole new information centre, but it's just free online talks about Black history and random crap like "keeping track of any outside activities you do", which I know might be important or something, but for students like me they say "you can borrow a laptop if you want" (WITH NO WIFI MIND YOU) and then don't send me the forms to do so anyway because there's too many layers to get to that part. I have done NOTHING in lockdown, sat here, talked to some people and wasted away. I keep myself somewhat happy on my own, but I live in literal isolation. It's only been the few weeks I've been seeing friends.

I've started taking other substances too, because I really don't see an alternative. I know, "you can just not do that" and "you're in college you don't need to be doing that" but I don't know, if you've never been in the position where only a tab or smoke or etc makes you feel exited then I really don't care about anything you say related to the matter, no offence but it's like a alcohol-virgin trying to talk to an alcoholic, I'm sick of having these talks. Again this is a rant so sorry if it's harsh.

Been thinking about dropping out of college. I don't want to go anymore, I don't want to move down to BTEC, I don't want to do an apprenticeship I just want to get a council flat and live on my own for some time and recuperate. I just don't want to stay poor, what is there for me out there you know? I'm sick of not being able to concentrate and I'm sick of putting in the mental effort in college just to make an appearance. I slept for 4 hours just because it's that mentally exhausting. I don't want college's help because it's just like my schools. We'll do a few meetings, take you out of lessons near exam time, when funding runs out or you leave we'll drop you and give you a leaflet to somewhere else - just like school did, just like CAHMS did, just like social services did and just like counselling did. God it's lucky I'm not suicidal anymore, I was 2 years ago (I'd say that's when all my pent up feeling really burst out, not we're dealing with kind of remains of that). I has a knife hidden behind some draws, got rid of it when I realised that I'd rather live. I had a few months of happiness around GCSE time in 2019 but now it's just seems to be getting worse. Unbelievably worse. I don't want to hurt myself physically, but god I do want to hurt myself educationally and just "efforty". I want to STOP everything. Pause the feeling, pause the tingling, pause the house, pause college - walk to the other side of the constituency and then hit play again. I want to remove myself from everything. I already did that by locking myself in my room, but now my problems are coming closer and closer to the door, I keep my windows and door shut so I can mope in seclusion privately but now I'm getting everything sent online too, college pressures, social pressures. I'm just tired. I just want to not exist for 4 years. Give me a degree so I can make something of myself and let me work . I'm ready for the day to day mundane adult life - thats who I am, I'm not an exiting person I LOVE routine, so why do I have to suffer all this before hand?

TLDR: you don't have to read this, its a rant. I only posted it because I need to put my thoughts out somewhere, and since this is a site I use often I'll throw it out here. I'm not expecting any advice, or replies. I don't want to hear if you think I'm a troll because my circumstances seem so unlikely to you that you make some idea that it cant exist. I don't even want any friendly replies to be honest. Post whatever, I'm just sick of reading.Sick of all these voices (real people, not anything like mentally) reaching out and telling me whats good and bad, what's not supposed to be happening and whats normal. I'm anon because I use this site a lot so for obvious reason. I'm going to make a milkshake and sit on my bed in silence, that's the kind of mood I'm in. Try to understand what this swirling is in my head and this tingling in my arms. Goodnight and sorry. I even made the TLDR long...
Wow no offence but your mother kind of a degenerate
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Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#6
Thank you everyone, it was spur of the moment post, which I kind of regret, but it's very comforting to come back to these messages. I'm also very grateful to those who read the whole thing, funnily enough you've probably taken the most time out of your day to listen to me than anyone has before.
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Anonymous #3
#7
Report 3 weeks ago
#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
Alright, rant time. Right so basically I'm doing college, I'm in year 13 and I have some "home problems" . Not the pathetic twitter user kind of problems either, I don't have false interpretations of a "bad middle class lifestyle " or anything, for gods sake I'd be grateful if I ever make it to the middle class to begin with.

So to start, my single mums a prossie. I know I know, "troll post" yeah keep reading ok? Prostitutes do exist, and they do have kids who attend college. This isn't an insult or anything either, she genuinely goes out to meet men she's found on dating websites, does whatever piggish requests they have, comes home with money they've gave her then after a few days/a week or so does a test. There's no relationship being attempted either, it's not like I'm reading the situation wrong - I've known for years, it's just what she does. She's come back pregnant twice in a year and a half, one aborted the other is being born near the end of the year (she's using this as an excuse for more money, boasting about the £400 the father will give her for baby clothes...). Mind you she hasn't only done it twice in the year or anything, just the times she's been pregnant from it. She also has been a daily drug user since she's been 12. She tried weed when she was 12 because "it was cool at the time" in her own words, and since has experimented with cocaine, crack and heroin. Now she's only smoking weed and cigarettes (5months pregnant),but since she's been doing it for so long it's safe to say it's not just a 10 she's buying a week, more like £50 worth, plus 10 daily on cigarettes. Secondly, she owes me £500 - for which she does this whole scene if I don't lend it to her (I've stopped now, but not being repayed). She'd scream, call me names, cry, call the police (got arrested for breaking a door which she did, got put on bail for it not sure if I have a record or anything but yeah), open doors and windows and shout I've hit her etc. My family think I abuse her and I get 'the talk' every time I see them, so I haven't spoken to any of them since christmas. I was raised in a BIG family who would all meet on weekends, so this isolation has also been very depressing but honestly it's safe to say no relationship can be made between us anymore. Same with my neighbours, they give me looks for incidents that simply didn't exist. I have been arrested multiple times, once when I called the police MYSELF, because she was going crazy. Lies were told, fake tears (more on that in a bit) were shed and eventually convincing enough bs was enough to get me arrested outside my house infront of everybody. Safe to say my view on myself is nothing anymore, I am perfectly accepting that any value I thought I had has been scraped away to the point I'm still walking around my neighbourhood with all these eyes on me and I don't care anymore. I should care, I haven't sone anything. I have been to CAHMS twice, and listen to this right - first time I had 1 meeting and was discharged straight away in 2019 February. They let her do the introduction meeting with me and she convinced them I'm fine and just putting an act on... after telling the police and family I'm breaking stuff and mentally ill? Now I don't know who let her do that meeting but I'm not ok man, like I don't do the the things she said I do, but I'm definitely not coping right. I've had self harm behaviour in the past (at the time of the first meeting, I stopped it a few months later) and also picked up smoking myself, secretly. I also had a period of time where I was numb, for like 3 years. I don't know what that was about either but that too has gone. Now I have these kind of feelings the body is like.. "not real" or something, and it's weight to move it? I don't know. And I have delusions too, I thought I was in hell once was rocking back and fourth in my room, they're scary I don't know if it's something I can keep to myself anymore. I have an urge to (please don't remove the post for this, I wont do any of this) rob someone or attack a stranger. Again, I won't but it's this feeling in my body, my chest my hands and head that flairs up when I think about it.? I've lost all motivation and do no work in or outside of college. I can't. I literally can not concentrate for more than 20 mins, I cant. It's not that I'm lazy, I just CANT and I really don't know what to do. Everyone is passing me on to somoene else I'm sick of it. Social services keep backing out (3rd time with them) because my mother won't let them in to talk to me, or give them my number. I did 4 months councelling 2 years ago which went nowhere because funding ran out, I was refered to another mental health service who said I was ok. Doctor keeps giving me leaflets. I mean I don't want all this I just want to like shout and let the tingling in my shoulders and chest go away you know? I'm very distressed right now sorry about the rambling

Today our WiFi has shown the first signs of being cut off. You know the kind of "it turned off,then back on, then off" kind of thing? I get if you don't know what I'm talking about but yeah that usually happens when it starts being cut off. We're 2 months behind in the payments, to which I can't put any money in. I cant she owes me too much. She's in £5000 debt overall + 500 to me, and managed to convince bayliffs not to kick us out. She has been on every network going, TalkTalk, Post Office, Virgin, Now TV all of them, because she doesn't pay. I can't do college work or even attempt to concentrate if she doesn't keep it on. I have no family I talk to anymore because of her, I cant go to college because they only care about bloating their administration and have this whole system which makes it incredibly hard to get help. They focus more on writing newsletters and renovating buildings than they do offering resources to help us - really. They have this whole new information centre, but it's just free online talks about Black history and random crap like "keeping track of any outside activities you do", which I know might be important or something, but for students like me they say "you can borrow a laptop if you want" (WITH NO WIFI MIND YOU) and then don't send me the forms to do so anyway because there's too many layers to get to that part. I have done NOTHING in lockdown, sat here, talked to some people and wasted away. I keep myself somewhat happy on my own, but I live in literal isolation. It's only been the few weeks I've been seeing friends.

I've started taking other substances too, because I really don't see an alternative. I know, "you can just not do that" and "you're in college you don't need to be doing that" but I don't know, if you've never been in the position where only a tab or smoke or etc makes you feel exited then I really don't care about anything you say related to the matter, no offence but it's like a alcohol-virgin trying to talk to an alcoholic, I'm sick of having these talks. Again this is a rant so sorry if it's harsh.

Been thinking about dropping out of college. I don't want to go anymore, I don't want to move down to BTEC, I don't want to do an apprenticeship I just want to get a council flat and live on my own for some time and recuperate. I just don't want to stay poor, what is there for me out there you know? I'm sick of not being able to concentrate and I'm sick of putting in the mental effort in college just to make an appearance. I slept for 4 hours just because it's that mentally exhausting. I don't want college's help because it's just like my schools. We'll do a few meetings, take you out of lessons near exam time, when funding runs out or you leave we'll drop you and give you a leaflet to somewhere else - just like school did, just like CAHMS did, just like social services did and just like counselling did. God it's lucky I'm not suicidal anymore, I was 2 years ago (I'd say that's when all my pent up feeling really burst out, not we're dealing with kind of remains of that). I has a knife hidden behind some draws, got rid of it when I realised that I'd rather live. I had a few months of happiness around GCSE time in 2019 but now it's just seems to be getting worse. Unbelievably worse. I don't want to hurt myself physically, but god I do want to hurt myself educationally and just "efforty". I want to STOP everything. Pause the feeling, pause the tingling, pause the house, pause college - walk to the other side of the constituency and then hit play again. I want to remove myself from everything. I already did that by locking myself in my room, but now my problems are coming closer and closer to the door, I keep my windows and door shut so I can mope in seclusion privately but now I'm getting everything sent online too, college pressures, social pressures. I'm just tired. I just want to not exist for 4 years. Give me a degree so I can make something of myself and let me work . I'm ready for the day to day mundane adult life - thats who I am, I'm not an exiting person I LOVE routine, so why do I have to suffer all this before hand?

TLDR: you don't have to read this, its a rant. I only posted it because I need to put my thoughts out somewhere, and since this is a site I use often I'll throw it out here. I'm not expecting any advice, or replies. I don't want to hear if you think I'm a troll because my circumstances seem so unlikely to you that you make some idea that it cant exist. I don't even want any friendly replies to be honest. Post whatever, I'm just sick of reading.Sick of all these voices (real people, not anything like mentally) reaching out and telling me whats good and bad, what's not supposed to be happening and whats normal. I'm anon because I use this site a lot so for obvious reason. I'm going to make a milkshake and sit on my bed in silence, that's the kind of mood I'm in. Try to understand what this swirling is in my head and this tingling in my arms. Goodnight and sorry. I even made the TLDR long...
Hi,

You are going through a very tough situation and I do pray that it get's better for you.
The best way to get out of the situation is through education (you clearly know this),
if you are in y13, I strongly urge you to apply for some form of vocational degree
that will guarantee a job when you graduate (like nursing, midwifery...anything in healthcare sector
or teaching...) before the final UCAS deadline in January (DON'T FORGET). Work on your A levels, if you
don't have net connection, literally just grab the textbook and try your best to understand the info and
learn it. And when there is net connection, try an download any online notes or even as your friends or
teachers to email notes/ powerpoints. Just put your head down and work channel all the frustration into
that! Please don't take any substance, you clearly have seen the effect on your mum and this should strongly
stop you from doing it-- especially at a crucial time in your life where doing well in school could improve
your life sooo much.
You said you can't concentrate for more than 20 mins, that's fine do study sessions using the pomodoro technique (you can look it up online),
basically work 20mins then take 5 or 10 min break, then repeat soo this way you can remain focused. Honestly,
you are the only one that can push yourself and get the work done-- so please don't give up.
It's difficult to forgive your mother I know, but there is no point holding onto to grunges or anger.
Her actions are unjustifiable, but she's your mother and all you can do is genuinely love her and pray
that she will change one day.
If you need someone to talk to call the Samaritans 116 123 (free call, mental health charity, keeps everything confidential, is free).
AND you can always go to your GP and explain to them your situation and they will contact social services if necessary --
you can share your concerns with the GP and they can connect you straight with social services.
I truly hope it get's better. Just hang on in there!
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