My boyfriend suddenly doesn’t want sex

Watch
Anon567890
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
So my boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year and we’re both 20. Up until a couple of months ago, our sex life was great, we were experimenting and satisfying each other. That was until around a month ago. He recently went from being unemployed to a 40 hour week in an apprenticeship so obviously I understand the change in dynamic. However, he’s been doing this apprenticeship for around 2 months now and up until a month ago everything was fine between us. Now, he says he’s not interested in sex and never in the mood and he even said he doesn’t masturbate as much as he used to. I understand this is due to stress but I’m unsure what to do. I want to carry on our previous sex life but he doesn’t and I obviously don’t want to pressure him or make him feel guilty. We’ve had talks and created a safe word that means sex is 1000% off the table and we both respect that but I’m missing the connection of sex a lot and don’t know what to do. I also have past triggers regarding sex as I was cheated on in my previous relationship and convinced myself it was my fault as I wasn’t giving him enough which has then slightly carried over into this relationship. Because of this I struggle to distinguish the line of him not wanting to because of stress and the suspicion that he’s not attracted to me anymore. Any help would be appreciated and please be kind, I’m struggling with this.
0
reply
Trinculo
Badges: 21
Rep:
?
#2
Report 4 weeks ago
#2
Don't tell him, but give him 2 more months. If things don't change, and you're unhappy - end it. There's little point in complaining to a dude about sex - because if he's not really feeling it - he won't be able to. I'm not quite sure why an apprenticeship would change him so drastically - they're not like super super hard work.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#3
Report 4 weeks ago
#3
Best idea is health checkup. After that, deeper honest discussions with self-introspection on both your part.
0
reply
Anon567890
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#4
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#4
(Original post by Trinculo)
Don't tell him, but give him 2 more months. If things don't change, and you're unhappy - end it. There's little point in complaining to a dude about sex - because if he's not really feeling it - he won't be able to. I'm not quite sure why an apprenticeship would change him so drastically - they're not like super super hard work.
I feel like this is probably my best approach. Thank you. I’m also unsure but he’s a very work motivated guy and struggles to think about anything else.
0
reply
Anon567890
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#5
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
Best idea is health checkup. After that, deeper honest discussions with self-introspection on both your part.
We’ve briefly discussed him going to the doctors but due to past trauma he’s afraid of therapy and is scared they’ll try to refer him even if it’s unrelated to previous visits.
0
reply
Ghostlady
Badges: 21
Rep:
?
#6
Report 4 weeks ago
#6
Its tough going from 1 extreme to the other. when he was unemployed he has time on his hands, where as 40 hours per week is a big change. its not always about the quantity of sex, but quality thats important. You both have needs and you both want to feel special. Keep your date nights up, and make sure the whole sexual act is not like a chore or done out of necessity, but with effort like you have done before If things dont improve after a month, have another word, but if it continues and he does not make an effort, then you either live in a non physical, almost platonic relationship, or you end it.
0
reply
Anon567890
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#7
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#7
(Original post by Ghostlady)
Its tough going from 1 extreme to the other. when he was unemployed he has time on his hands, where as 40 hours per week is a big change. its not always about the quantity of sex, but quality thats important. You both have needs and you both want to feel special. Keep your date nights up, and make sure the whole sexual act is not like a chore or done out of necessity, but with effort like you have done before If things dont improve after a month, have another word, but if it continues and he does not make an effort, then you either live in a non physical, almost platonic relationship, or you end it.
Thank you! That sounds like the best idea!
0
reply
mgi
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#8
Report 4 weeks ago
#8
(Original post by Anon567890)
I feel like this is probably my best approach. Thank you. I’m also unsure but he’s a very work motivated guy and struggles to think about anything else.
What past trauma has he had? this may be impacting on his attitude?
And also, unfortunately, one tends to get what one tolerates ! If he determined not to meet your sexual needs then it is over to you- end the relationship or put up with his lack of care regarding your needs?
And forget about past relationships, they prove nothing about how a new guy or relationship will behave or work!
0
reply
Anon567890
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#9
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#9
(Original post by mgi)
What past trauma has he had? this may be impacting on his attitude?
And also, unfortunately, one tends to get what one tolerates ! If he determined not to meet your sexual needs then it is over to you- end the relationship or put up with his lack of care regarding your needs?
And forget about past relationships, they prove nothing about how a new guy or relationship will behave or work!
I don’t know everything as I don’t ask but it’s to do with his family life. I really don’t know what to do in that aspect. He’s exhausted all the time from work which is understandable it’s just frustrating.
0
reply
mgi
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#10
Report 4 weeks ago
#10
(Original post by Anon567890)
I don’t know everything as I don’t ask but it’s to do with his family life. I really don’t know what to do in that aspect. He’s exhausted all the time from work which is understandable it’s just frustrating.
Counselling? and he should tell you about his traumas and you should ask! Otherwise what is the point of him being in a relationship?
0
reply
becausethenight
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#11
Report 4 weeks ago
#11
Talk to him. As other users have flagged, it sounds like he has a lot of stressors with work and family and might benefit from MH support (worth emphasising that doctors aren't going to section him for 'being a bit depressed' or w/e).

Also, you need to make it clear what you want, so you can sit down and thrash out what you expect - for example, he might not realise how upset you are and be willing to compromise and try, or even just get you off on your own, even though he's tired (it's a fine line between compromise and pressure though, so play it by ear). He might also not realise that you're struggling with feeling secure that he's still attracted to you, and be able to reassure you and do non-sex things to help?

Fundamentally though if this doesn't change you need to think about if the relationship is working for you and you want to keep going.

:goodluck:
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#12
Report 3 weeks ago
#12
(Original post by Anon567890)
We’ve briefly discussed him going to the doctors but due to past trauma he’s afraid of therapy and is scared they’ll try to refer him even if it’s unrelated to previous visits.
Is this guy mental what do you think they'll refer him or he'll have to go even if they do? Notwithstanding that this assumes both the doctor and therapist are evil. Also if he's getting trauma from a therapist, he probably has mental disabilities which need to be taken care of anyways. Schizophrenia is a serious condition and you should be honest with him and either leave or stay and be of help - stop making his life worse. Mental illnesses are not a joke and require proper, licensed medical care.
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Current uni students - are you thinking of dropping out of university?

Yes, I'm seriously considering dropping out (177)
14.53%
I'm not sure (56)
4.6%
No, I'm going to stick it out for now (357)
29.31%
I have already dropped out (35)
2.87%
I'm not a current university student (593)
48.69%

Watched Threads

View All