Breaking up with close best friend/ex boyfriend - need support please <3

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zetasigma
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#1
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So I never thought I'd turn to online strangers for support with something like this but I've no close friends to help me through this.

The situation is really complicated but I'm 20, about to turn 21, and the guy is 19. I've known him since he was 16. We were in a relationship but at the start of this year I broke it off and it turned into a best-friends-with-benefits sort of situation. I'm now ending contact with him because it's become an exhausting relationship and he's not at the maturity I need for my stage of life. But I've become so reliant on him. Can someone make sure I don't cave and talk to him please? x

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He is very mature, understanding and open-minded compared to all the people I've met my age. I guess that's what made me stick around and put effort into us for so long. He is also very caring, loving and honest. The small bad things (which I've learnt, however small, are still meaningful) I easily overlooked for the many nice things he does.

The problem lies really with my personal situation...my home is very toxic to the point where I could write paragraphs about it. I'm very aware of the damage my parents have done to my mental health and it's mad how I've managed to finally acknowledge it, but how much more painful it is to be living here knowing that they are emotionally abusive. I can't be in a relationship while I'm living here. I just can't. It's too much to handle, and I can't heal from trauma whilst living in it, let alone properly move on with other parts of my life e.g. romantic relationships.

I was in hospital for a few years as a teenager, and I previously lived and worked full time in another city alone when I was 18, but moved back here end of 2018 after being persuaded by my mum "to save money" ...Really I should've saved sanity and never come back here. That's why I'm not currently at university and I'm stuck in this situation. I fell off the "Normal Track".

I'm self-teaching A Levels for exams next summer and hopefully starting uni next autumn. I just need to get out of here ASAP. I need to focus on studying. The boy/soon to be ex-best-friend is not only a distraction, but also a source of comparison and sadness. The main issue is he cannot empathise or relate to the problems I've experienced/am going through at the degree I need him to. To the point where I feel too let down whenever he makes mistakes and slips up. I'm tired of explaining myself to him and him saying he'll try to be more communicative etc and it doesn't happen at a fast-enough pace for me. His life has been smooth-sailing compared to my hardships, he's in his 2nd year at Open university, and I understand that it's unrealistic for me to expect him to totally get my extreme situation 100% of the time. But when my dad's gone mental at me and my mum isn't talking to me, I end up going to him Every Time. I've become overly reliant on him to soothe me. I don't want to be anymore. That's basically it. I need to let him go, even if just for a few years, so that I can focus on getting myself back on track...to the place I want to be.
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Ghostlady
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It does sound like a dead end tie you have with him. friends with benefits with someone who before was a b/f is not what your needing in your life. its just a complication, and theres always that temptation to go back into the way things were. Its ended, and let it stay ended.

Its not going to be easy, but once youve done that, get busy with your life. A'levels etc that you planned. As for your parents, its hard but we cant just ditch those we live with when were in a situation we cant get out of at the moment. So keep your head down if you can, do the A'Levels. If you can get a part time job great, but if not, then have the exams and uni as a point of focus. Once your at uni, then get looking for work if you can part time, and then by end of first year, be in a place with a year contract, so you dont have to go back home.

Its 1 more year, but you got this
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becausethenight
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:hugs: I'm so sorry to hear you're in this rubbish situation.

It sounds like you've made the best decision you can, albeit a hard one, and that you have your priorities in the right place. You're doing the right thing. I'd hope you've explained the situation to him as best you can, and that he understands - it sounds like you might want to get back together in the future when you're in a better place, so do say that.

Is there anything else you can do at the moment? Staying where you are for the next year sounds like it's going to be pretty awful; have you looked into help that may be avaliable? Having alternative sources of professional support may also mean you're able to have a healthy relationship as you're not so dependant, too. Have a look here https://england.shelter.org.uk/housi...domestic_abuse and here https://www.samaritans.org/. You might be able to access some free counselling support too?

:goodluck:
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zetasigma
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Really struggling as he messaged me and my aunt told me I'm being rash. I haven't replied to him, but I already feel odd without talking to him, I've got no one else in this town. Hope I can manage, it's not even been 24 hours

Ghostlady
Yeah it's off to a rocky start. I don't know if I'd date him again in future. Maybe. But he knows me so well, is there such a thing as too well though?(regarding him knowing the extent of my past problems & my dad's even screamed at him too so he knows what he's like and nobody else does)

I already have a part time job but I've been on furlough pay
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zetasigma
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(Original post by becausethenight)
:hugs: I'm so sorry to hear you're in this rubbish situation.

It sounds like you've made the best decision you can, albeit a hard one, and that you have your priorities in the right place. You're doing the right thing. I'd hope you've explained the situation to him as best you can, and that he understands - it sounds like you might want to get back together in the future when you're in a better place, so do say that.

Is there anything else you can do at the moment? Staying where you are for the next year sounds like it's going to be pretty awful; have you looked into help that may be avaliable? Having alternative sources of professional support may also mean you're able to have a healthy relationship as you're not so dependant, too. Have a look here https://england.shelter.org.uk/housi...domestic_abuse and here https://www.samaritans.org/. You might be able to access some free counselling support too?

:goodluck:
It's tough hearing you say it's the best decision I can make. I feel like I should've done this ages ago, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't be doing this at all, I'm all confused inside

I think he knows that I want to maybe test the waters with him in the future. The only thing is, he's messaged me back and the last line of his message said "We've come so far and gone through so much together, all of the ups and downs, just you and me." And it makes me uneasy and I don't like it and I can't figure out why

With the home situation - all the getting support doesn't sound appealing, it sounds like it will exacerbate the strain on me. I just need to focus on A Levels and make sure I don't fail them, I think, but I totally get where you're coming from. If only I was aware of all this when I was under 18! I would've seeked the right support! Verbal and emotional abuse is the hardest to prove/show evidence of. My mental health is ok too , recovering steadily from when I was younger. I avoid them as much as I can, but the interactions with my parents are intense. The other day they were saying how vaccines were made to kill people and I *tried* to get my point across but they're very much in their own world, watching documentaries and biased videos, and they're very serious about "educating me". I don't care about that stuff, I don't want to waste my time investigating it all! But they don't get it at all and have called me a sheep, and uninformed, and it's exhausting. Neither are working at the moment so they don't leave the house .there's a load of weird energy in this place
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becausethenight
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(Original post by zetasigma)
It's tough hearing you say it's the best decision I can make. I feel like I should've done this ages ago, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't be doing this at all, I'm all confused inside
I think it's totally normal to feel confused and unsure with this kind of decision :hugs: Based on what you've said (I should stress this as I obviously don't 'really' know you and for all I know you now disagree with what you wrote) it sounded like the relationship was becoming an additional source of stress for you and that it wasn't making you happy, so breaking up was the best option, if still not a 'good' or painless one. If you're happy in your relationship you don't usually think about breaking up, and "I personally am not in a place where I can have a relationship, even though I like you" is a very good reason to end it.

I think he knows that I want to maybe test the waters with him in the future. The only thing is, he's messaged me back and the last line of his message said "We've come so far and gone through so much together, all of the ups and downs, just you and me." And it makes me uneasy and I don't like it and I can't figure out why
It might be making you feel uneasy because it sounds like he's trying to coerce you into getting back together with him, or because that's been true in the past but you don't want it to be in the future? It does sound a bit odd...

With the home situation - all the getting support doesn't sound appealing, it sounds like it will exacerbate the strain on me. I just need to focus on A Levels and make sure I don't fail them, I think, but I totally get where you're coming from. If only I was aware of all this when I was under 18! I would've seeked the right support! Verbal and emotional abuse is the hardest to prove/show evidence of. My mental health is ok too , recovering steadily from when I was younger. I avoid them as much as I can, but the interactions with my parents are intense. The other day they were saying how vaccines were made to kill people and I *tried* to get my point across but they're very much in their own world, watching documentaries and biased videos, and they're very serious about "educating me". I don't care about that stuff, I don't want to waste my time investigating it all! But they don't get it at all and have called me a sheep, and uninformed, and it's exhausting. Neither are working at the moment so they don't leave the house .there's a load of weird energy in this place
I completely understand, it's your choice and you know if it'd be too much at the moment! I doubt you would need evidence, though, hopefully professionals would believe and trust you, and help.
Your home situation sounds incredibly tough and unpleasent at the moment, especially with COVID! I hope you can avoid them as much as possible and get out the house, and that the next year goes as well as it can and you get out :hugs:
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