Boyfriend in Closet

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
The guy in question is not actually my boyfriend yet, but I just titled it as such just so it can be found easier:

I’m dating this guy, both 18 and we really like each other, we’ve been on 5 dates, and they have been absolutely amazing. I really want to be with him and can see a future for us both, but there are some issues that I need advice on.

1) He is still in the closet. He said he told his parents about 3 years ago that he was gay, and they didn’t take it the best but told him they love him and apparently it all got brushed under the rug and it has not been discussed since. He also lives with his 2 older sisters and one of their boyfriends who don’t know. This week some things happened where he almost got found out and was very stressed about it, and which resulted in him saying how he is never going to come out and he can’t be bothered for the stress of it.

Am I just setting myself up for heart break? This already seems like its going to be an issue since he doesn’t want to tell them and he is lying about where he is going to be all the time when he is with me. I worry that we are going to be able to keep this going for a matter of months / weeks and then he run out of excuses or something and be too stressed with it and then dump me. Should I get out now?
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spectrum84
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Well people can change, he might be gay now but if he likes u too then I don't see what the harm is
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Anonymous #2
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It sounds like he has to come out eventually so that he doesn’t have to live with the stress of hiding something so important. I could understand why he is super stressed but maybe you could have a positive influence and Encourage him to be more open.

Are his siblings homophobic or something? Is there a reason he really doesn’t want to tell them

Then again you’re only 18, some people prefer to wait until in their 20s to share such things

I’m 23 and still hide some relationships from my parents because they threatened to disown me. If it’s not as dramatic as that for your guy maybe he’s dreading a reaction that won’t be so bad at all...
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Anonymous #2
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Another point: why does he make excuses for hanging out with you? Isn’t two guys hanging out quite normal? Even if you wanted to sleep over isn’t what friends do they don’t have to suspect something
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Another point: why does he make excuses for hanging out with you? Isn’t two guys hanging out quite normal? Even if you wanted to sleep over isn’t what friends do they don’t have to suspect something
Well this is what I mean, I personally think his parents already know, he already came out to them just long ago. They are not likely to forget that announcement, he has majority female friends though and his parents know about. So I feel like he thinks if he says it’s 2 men they will thrn think he is gay
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OfejiroOtomewo
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When it comes to dating people in the closet, I think most people deserve better than to be someone's secret. I guess it depends if you mind or not.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Well this is what I mean, I personally think his parents already know, he already came out to them just long ago. They are not likely to forget that announcement, he has majority female friends though and his parents know about. So I feel like he thinks if he says it’s 2 men they will thrn think he is gay
I see... still they’re jumping to conclusions since there’s little other proof.

But if they didn’t react badly last time why can’t he test the Waters a bit? They may have seemed to brush it under the carpet but they won’t have forgotten and maybe just needed time to deal with it. I think you could suggest he just honestly say one time he’s going to hang out with you (something normal like go for a drink or study together) and see what they do.

Even if they suspected it they may not make an issue out of it at all. They may just accept it.
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nicalibres
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Maybe he feels like coming out is not worth it now, but if/when things get more serious between you two, surely he'll want to tell his family.
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WillicaP
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Coming out has no timeline. Just be there for him because it's not easy for some people. I hope you guys get through it and wait for the perfect timing
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I see... still they’re jumping to conclusions since there’s little other proof.

But if they didn’t react badly last time why can’t he test the Waters a bit? They may have seemed to brush it under the carpet but they won’t have forgotten and maybe just needed time to deal with it. I think you could suggest he just honestly say one time he’s going to hang out with you (something normal like go for a drink or study together) and see what they do.

Even if they suspected it they may not make an issue out of it at all. They may just accept it.
Update: Today he called me out of the blue as he was walking home due to an early finish and wanted to see if I could hang out for a bit. I declined as I think it’s important for me to not be waiting for his every beck and call and plus I. Had just come home from the gym. On the call he was telling me about his coming out in the past in more detail, he said that his plan was to just keep mentioning my name when he saw me to his mum to give her the hint and hope she took it. But now that he is trying to stop the sisters boyfriend from being annoying that plan went out the window. He has confirmed plans for another date this coming Sunday. If he was willing to try and hint it in the past then there may still be hope if we get serious
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