How should I improve on my extract question about Mr Hyde?

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olivka
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My English teachers do not provide me with the support I need. I would just like to receive relevant feedback on how to improve my work baring in mind that it is a times piece of writing. The extract is in chapter 1 of the novella, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. It is when Enfield recalls how Mr Hyde tramp;ed over a young girl. "All at once, I saw two figures [...] for I declare I can see him this moment."

How is Mr Hyde presented in this extract? (booklet page 9)(chapter 1)

Mr Hyde is presented as a horrifying and unnatural character. Stevenson uses exergasia to emphasise how uncomfortable Enfield felt only looking at him. Enfield feels that there was “something wrong with his appearance; something displeasing, something downright detestable.” which creates the impression that he can continue describing Hyde with all these horrific statements since it is so unusual and worrying. This is further proved by the use of semicolons in the quotation above since it created the feeling that there is more to the description making the readers uneasy about what more there could be, already raising questions. It creates a sense of mystery, suspicion and secrecy. Stevenson uses these adjectives to describe Hyde's appearance because they alliterate further emphasising how connected all the negative connotations about Hyde are. This use of exergasia shows how passionate Enfield is about his hate towards this stranger, Hyde. Hyde's character is made even more horrifying since all sorts of characters of all sorts of backgrounds find him ‘frightening’. We first see a young ‘girl’ who already connotes with innocence being ‘trampled calmly’ over by Hyde. There was no damage done to her, as stated by the sawbones, she was more ‘frightened’ of him. This causes the reader to form a hatred towards Hyde through sympathising with the young girl. The next character would be Enfield who is a middle aged reputable man. This shows that people with a high status also do not feel any like towards the ‘damned juggernaut’ as was described by Enfield. This description is significant because Enfield was disturbed enough to put his reputation in a vulnerable position to express his hatred for Hyde by talking of his emotions which was not a thing men were expected to do . In the Victorian era reputation was almost sacred. To expand, Enfields is nervous about Hyde since he causes him to ‘sweat’ and feel like ‘running’ showing how Enfields fight or flight reactions have kicked in. From before we know that Enfield is a man that does suspicious things like going out at 3 am, which causes us to relate to his emotions since he can tell that it is pure horrific and unnatural evil. The final character mentioned in this extract is the sawbone who will later on in the novel describe his feelings. This is foreshadowed when enfield said, ‘you might have supposed this would be the end to it’ right after mentioning the doctor. This shift of types and ages of characters is significant because it shows that all people share the same instant hatred and fright towards Hyde. It causes the reader to sympathize and relate to the characters, especially the ones they are of closer age to, adding onto the hate for Hyde. This proves Hyde is a truly repulsive character.
Hyde is given religious properties to make him look like pure evil. He is first described with the adjective ‘little’ and ‘deformed’ which suggests that he is lacking qualities or was unfinished. This is later proved by the juxtaposition of ‘trampling calmly’. The verb ‘trampling’ describes his unusually heavy and distorted walk which causes the reader to feel uncomfortable. The juxtaposing word ‘calmly’ reveals the missing part: immorality and no sympathy. The first description alluding to Hyde's connection to unholy creatures, specifically Satan, is ‘hellish to see’. This connects Hyde directly to hell, proving his natural evil. Additionally his actions are described as, ‘it wasn’t like man’ suggesting that he is of higher power. This is later suggested when Hyde comes back, ‘perfectly cool and made no resistance’. It shows how Hyde looks down on the people since he is not afraid of the punishment because it is no consequence to him morally. He humiliated the people in a way by accepting to come back to the crime scene and not reacting with remorse as if it didn't mean anything to him. The fact that his actions are first described before his looks relate him directly to Satan since we do not know what he looks like, creating nervousness in both the other characters and the readers who connect with the characters. This proves the pure evil in Hyde.
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EvieDR14
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(Original post by olivka)
My English teachers do not provide me with the support I need. I would just like to receive relevant feedback on how to improve my work baring in mind that it is a times piece of writing. The extract is in chapter 1 of the novella, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. It is when Enfield recalls how Mr Hyde tramp;ed over a young girl. "All at once, I saw two figures [...] for I declare I can see him this moment."

How is Mr Hyde presented in this extract? (booklet page 9)(chapter 1)

Mr Hyde is presented as a horrifying and unnatural character. Stevenson uses exergasia to emphasise how uncomfortable Enfield felt only looking at him. Enfield feels that there was “something wrong with his appearance; something displeasing, something downright detestable.” which creates the impression that he can continue describing Hyde with all these horrific statements since it is so unusual and worrying. This is further proved by the use of semicolons in the quotation above since it created the feeling that there is more to the description making the readers uneasy about what more there could be, already raising questions. It creates a sense of mystery, suspicion and secrecy. Stevenson uses these adjectives to describe Hyde's appearance because they alliterate further emphasising how connected all the negative connotations about Hyde are. This use of exergasia shows how passionate Enfield is about his hate towards this stranger, Hyde. Hyde's character is made even more horrifying since all sorts of characters of all sorts of backgrounds find him ‘frightening’. We first see a young ‘girl’ who already connotes with innocence being ‘trampled calmly’ over by Hyde. There was no damage done to her, as stated by the sawbones, she was more ‘frightened’ of him. This causes the reader to form a hatred towards Hyde through sympathising with the young girl. The next character would be Enfield who is a middle aged reputable man. This shows that people with a high status also do not feel any like towards the ‘damned juggernaut’ as was described by Enfield. This description is significant because Enfield was disturbed enough to put his reputation in a vulnerable position to express his hatred for Hyde by talking of his emotions which was not a thing men were expected to do . In the Victorian era reputation was almost sacred. To expand, Enfields is nervous about Hyde since he causes him to ‘sweat’ and feel like ‘running’ showing how Enfields fight or flight reactions have kicked in. From before we know that Enfield is a man that does suspicious things like going out at 3 am, which causes us to relate to his emotions since he can tell that it is pure horrific and unnatural evil. The final character mentioned in this extract is the sawbone who will later on in the novel describe his feelings. This is foreshadowed when enfield said, ‘you might have supposed this would be the end to it’ right after mentioning the doctor. This shift of types and ages of characters is significant because it shows that all people share the same instant hatred and fright towards Hyde. It causes the reader to sympathize and relate to the characters, especially the ones they are of closer age to, adding onto the hate for Hyde. This proves Hyde is a truly repulsive character.
Hyde is given religious properties to make him look like pure evil. He is first described with the adjective ‘little’ and ‘deformed’ which suggests that he is lacking qualities or was unfinished. This is later proved by the juxtaposition of ‘trampling calmly’. The verb ‘trampling’ describes his unusually heavy and distorted walk which causes the reader to feel uncomfortable. The juxtaposing word ‘calmly’ reveals the missing part: immorality and no sympathy. The first description alluding to Hyde's connection to unholy creatures, specifically Satan, is ‘hellish to see’. This connects Hyde directly to hell, proving his natural evil. Additionally his actions are described as, ‘it wasn’t like man’ suggesting that he is of higher power. This is later suggested when Hyde comes back, ‘perfectly cool and made no resistance’. It shows how Hyde looks down on the people since he is not afraid of the punishment because it is no consequence to him morally. He humiliated the people in a way by accepting to come back to the crime scene and not reacting with remorse as if it didn't mean anything to him. The fact that his actions are first described before his looks relate him directly to Satan since we do not know what he looks like, creating nervousness in both the other characters and the readers who connect with the characters. This proves the pure evil in Hyde.
Hi,

Www: I think this is really good, I like your detailed analysis of the characters. And you have created a nice flow through analytical language.

Ebi: could be more concise and use more quotes. I feel like you over explain emotions/ sense you get from the characters but use relatively short quotes infrequently.

Overall I think it’s great, I doubt the ebi points I made would hinder your marks largely but could give you a few more marks.

Hope this helps :0)
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Quick-use
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Skim read it and I agree with the above user: very short and ordinary quotes. You should more so focus on meaty literary techniques like symbolism, motifs, tones etc and use important quotes (they don't have to be too long, but definitely shouldn't be random words like 'sweat' or 'running'). I'd also encourage you to use British spelling (unless you're doing your exams overseas).

Keep up the good work! :hat2:
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tinygirl96
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You might want to divide your essay up into paragraphs. Also why not discuss literary techniques as well? Otherwise this is a good start. I recommend using numbers or some other method to structure your whole essay so that it is easier to read. Good luck. Make sure to read your essay at the end to check it for spelling etc.
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olivka
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(Original post by EvieDR14)
Hi,

Www: I think this is really good, I like your detailed analysis of the characters. And you have created a nice flow through analytical language.

Ebi: could be more concise and use more quotes. I feel like you over explain emotions/ sense you get from the characters but use relatively short quotes infrequently.

Overall I think it’s great, I doubt the ebi points I made would hinder your marks largely but could give you a few more marks.

Hope this helps :0
So it's working on being concise and using more quotes. Thank you would you know if the exam boards care much about structure? And should I write about that more?
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olivka
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(Original post by Quick-use)
Skim read it and I agree with the above user: very short and ordinary quotes. You should more so focus on meaty literary techniques like symbolism, motifs, tones etc and use important quotes (they don't have to be too long, but definitely shouldn't be random words like 'sweat' or 'running'). I'd also encourage you to use British spelling (unless you're doing your exams overseas).

Keep up the good work! :
Even if it's character analysis I should be focusing on the themes? Or should I leave that to questions that specifically ask about that?
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olivka
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(Original post by tinygirl96)
You might want to divide your essay up into paragraphs. Also why not discuss literary techniques as well? Otherwise this is a good start. I recommend using numbers or some other method to structure your whole essay so that it is easier to read. Good luck. Make sure to read your essay at the end to check it for spelling etc.
thank you
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giella
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Okay.
Naming features does not score you points if you miss the point of them. Whilst technically correct, your analysis of the writer’s use of exergasia seems to end at your labelling of the term. You could have written a better explanation of the writer’s language without using this term at all if you’d picked up on the writer’s language emphasises the ineffable quality of Hyde’s repugnance through repetition.

It’s a flat no for me if candidates start talking about punctuation or any functional aspect of written language. Same goes for historical generalisations.

Your explanations rely a lot on jumps from quote to explanation via phrases such as “this shows” or “it shows.” Signals lazy or incomplete analysis to any marker. Likewise, endless syntactic analysis e.g. verbs, adjectives etc serve no purpose to any analysis. You’re missing the opportunity to consider the writer’s choices of language in depth. Examiners in general are unlikely to award much credit to this because it’s simply not what’s being examined.

Finally, don’t write about what’s not there. Satan is not mentioned in this passage, or even alluded to indirectly, do why are you mentioning him?

By the way, I have worked as an examiner. Before you start defending what you’ve written, bear in mind that an examiner has only your written work to go by. You don’t get to defend it in the exam. Your work has to stand on its own.

Points in your favour: your points are well structured in the main, although not necessarily developed as fully as possible.
Your quotes tend to be embedded rather than deprived of all context.
You make an effort to engage with structure, which not all candidates do. I would focus more on structure where you can. It’s safer territory.
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EvieDR14
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(Original post by olivka)
So it's working on being concise and using more quotes. Thank you would you know if the exam boards care much about structure? And should I write about that more?
Hi,

For structuring you need to make paragraphs separate- but you don’t need to write about structure unless it’s with another point eg the writer has ‘listed’ the verbs *quote* after the metaphor *quote* then explain what this alludes to etc.

Also just seen another reply which I also agree with: you need to use more technical terms like metaphors and similes which have deeper meanings than verbs.
:0)
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giella
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(Original post by EvieDR14)
Hi,

For structuring you need to make paragraphs separate- but you don’t need to write about structure unless it’s with another point eg the writer has ‘listed’ the verbs *quote* after the metaphor *quote* then explain what this alludes to etc.

Also just seen another reply which I also agree with: you need to use more technical terms like metaphors and similes which have deeper meanings than verbs.
:0)
I didn’t say that. I don’t personally give much of a damn if a candidate uses the terminology as long as they show me an understanding of how it works. Terminology isn’t an end in itself but candidates often use it as such, and the essay will turn into an exercise in feature spotting. Using ever increasingly technical terminology doesn’t equate to extra points. I do care if people use terminology incorrectly and that will lose them points for accuracy. The more technical you get, the greater your chances are of mislabelling something. People who go for the syntactic analysis route (verbs, adjectives etc.) are most likely to get this wrong because they haven’t been taught it explicitly or in sufficient depth for it to be a useful tool for them.
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EvieDR14
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(Original post by giella)
I didn’t say that. I don’t personally give much of a damn if a candidate uses the terminology as long as they show me an understanding of how it works. Terminology isn’t an end in itself but candidates often use it as such, and the essay will turn into an exercise in feature spotting. Using ever increasingly technical terminology doesn’t equate to extra points. I do care if people use terminology incorrectly and that will lose them points for accuracy. The more technical you get, the greater your chances are of mislabelling something. People who go for the syntactic analysis route (verbs, adjectives etc.) are most likely to get this wrong because they haven’t been taught it explicitly or in sufficient depth for it to be a useful tool for them.
Hi,

I was only giving my personal take on your answer- from personal experience completing exams recently and getting As and helping tutor students if you try and use more complicated terminology, correctly like you said, you could achieve better grades with good analysis that is definitely relevant. Depends on what level you’re at and perspective of the examiner and obviously what teachers suggest.

Obviously for the OP don’t just pick things randomly, go for the obvious and what you know.
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giella
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I’ve got three degrees, never dropped a grade below an A or a 2.1 in my life, I’ve tutored and taught for twelve years and examined for seven. In that time I’ve encountered a lot of teachers who tell students that they need to use as much terminology as they can in order to increase their marks. It’s just not true and my time as a tutor is usually best spent undoing this indoctrination. I frequently have to start with disabusing students of the notion that pathetic fallacy means the weather.

If a student understands the meaning and is able to trace their perception of that meaning back to a writer’s choice of language or structure to deliver their idea and their relationship to one another, they will do well regardless of whether they use a single technical term or device. If they start by identifying a feature and try and build an answer around the feature, they will generally do less well and, yes, we can tell the difference. What happens if you get an extract – either seen or unseen – in which there are hardly any “devices” at all? Frequently happens and the candidates who adopt the approach of focusing on meaning, character, story, and narrative will do better than those who grasp at the slightest device they can perceive and go on to overstate it.

If you’re telling students to up their ante in terms of the terminology they inject their work with, I beg you to stop. You are doing them a terrible disservice.
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(Original post by olivka)
Even if it's character analysis I should be focusing on the themes? Or should I leave that to questions that specifically ask about that?
For character analysis, I generally encourage picking a few integral quotes/techniques and using them to dissect the character in question. I wouldn't advise spamming random and small quotes throughout your writing, and I also wouldn't recommend name-dropping techniques unless you intend on diving deeper.

Just use one piece of meaty evidence per point.
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SlytherinSoul
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(Original post by olivka)
My English teachers do not provide me with the support I need. I would just like to receive relevant feedback on how to improve my work baring in mind that it is a times piece of writing. The extract is in chapter 1 of the novella, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. It is when Enfield recalls how Mr Hyde tramp;ed over a young girl. "All at once, I saw two figures [...] for I declare I can see him this moment."

How is Mr Hyde presented in this extract? (booklet page 9)(chapter 1)

Mr Hyde is presented as a horrifying and unnatural character. Stevenson uses exergasia to emphasise how uncomfortable Enfield felt only looking at him. Enfield feels that there was “something wrong with his appearance; something displeasing, something downright detestable.” which creates the impression that he can continue describing Hyde with all these horrific statements since it is so unusual and worrying. This is further proved by the use of semicolons in the quotation above since it created the feeling that there is more to the description making the readers uneasy about what more there could be, already raising questions. It creates a sense of mystery, suspicion and secrecy. Stevenson uses these adjectives to describe Hyde's appearance because they alliterate further emphasising how connected all the negative connotations about Hyde are. This use of exergasia shows how passionate Enfield is about his hate towards this stranger, Hyde. Hyde's character is made even more horrifying since all sorts of characters of all sorts of backgrounds find him ‘frightening’. We first see a young ‘girl’ who already connotes with innocence being ‘trampled calmly’ over by Hyde. There was no damage done to her, as stated by the sawbones, she was more ‘frightened’ of him. This causes the reader to form a hatred towards Hyde through sympathising with the young girl. The next character would be Enfield who is a middle aged reputable man. This shows that people with a high status also do not feel any like towards the ‘damned juggernaut’ as was described by Enfield. This description is significant because Enfield was disturbed enough to put his reputation in a vulnerable position to express his hatred for Hyde by talking of his emotions which was not a thing men were expected to do . In the Victorian era reputation was almost sacred. To expand, Enfields is nervous about Hyde since he causes him to ‘sweat’ and feel like ‘running’ showing how Enfields fight or flight reactions have kicked in. From before we know that Enfield is a man that does suspicious things like going out at 3 am, which causes us to relate to his emotions since he can tell that it is pure horrific and unnatural evil. The final character mentioned in this extract is the sawbone who will later on in the novel describe his feelings. This is foreshadowed when enfield said, ‘you might have supposed this would be the end to it’ right after mentioning the doctor. This shift of types and ages of characters is significant because it shows that all people share the same instant hatred and fright towards Hyde. It causes the reader to sympathize and relate to the characters, especially the ones they are of closer age to, adding onto the hate for Hyde. This proves Hyde is a truly repulsive character.
Hyde is given religious properties to make him look like pure evil. He is first described with the adjective ‘little’ and ‘deformed’ which suggests that he is lacking qualities or was unfinished. This is later proved by the juxtaposition of ‘trampling calmly’. The verb ‘trampling’ describes his unusually heavy and distorted walk which causes the reader to feel uncomfortable. The juxtaposing word ‘calmly’ reveals the missing part: immorality and no sympathy. The first description alluding to Hyde's connection to unholy creatures, specifically Satan, is ‘hellish to see’. This connects Hyde directly to hell, proving his natural evil. Additionally his actions are described as, ‘it wasn’t like man’ suggesting that he is of higher power. This is later suggested when Hyde comes back, ‘perfectly cool and made no resistance’. It shows how Hyde looks down on the people since he is not afraid of the punishment because it is no consequence to him morally. He humiliated the people in a way by accepting to come back to the crime scene and not reacting with remorse as if it didn't mean anything to him. The fact that his actions are first described before his looks relate him directly to Satan since we do not know what he looks like, creating nervousness in both the other characters and the readers who connect with the characters. This proves the pure evil in Hyde.
hall i show you what i put
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EvieDR14
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(Original post by giella)
I’ve got three degrees, never dropped a grade below an A or a 2.1 in my life, I’ve tutored and taught for twelve years and examined for seven. In that time I’ve encountered a lot of teachers who tell students that they need to use as much terminology as they can in order to increase their marks. It’s just not true and my time as a tutor is usually best spent undoing this indoctrination. I frequently have to start with disabusing students of the notion that pathetic fallacy means the weather.

If a student understands the meaning and is able to trace their perception of that meaning back to a writer’s choice of language or structure to deliver their idea and their relationship to one another, they will do well regardless of whether they use a single technical term or device. If they start by identifying a feature and try and build an answer around the feature, they will generally do less well and, yes, we can tell the difference. What happens if you get an extract – either seen or unseen – in which there are hardly any “devices” at all? Frequently happens and the candidates who adopt the approach of focusing on meaning, character, story, and narrative will do better than those who grasp at the slightest device they can perceive and go on to overstate it.

If you’re telling students to up their ante in terms of the terminology they inject their work with, I beg you to stop. You are doing them a terrible disservice.
Hi,

Just to clarify I didn’t say base an answer around devices, but using them helps with analysis. Of course it matters what a students perception is, that’s the whole point of the question :-p tbh I use terminology to form a foundation for my answer after I link the quote to other aspects, it’s just a useful starting point for students who aren’t sure how to start answering a question. Personally I tend to waffle and therefore lose concision within my answers.

Also I wasn’t disrespecting what you have replied, I was just giving an opinion that I find useful, no one has to take my advice but it’s jut nice for the OP to collect a variety of opinions and decide what they think is best for them :-)
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(Original post by EvieDR14)
Hi,

Just to clarify I didn’t say base an answer around devices, but using them helps with analysis. Of course it matters what a students perception is, that’s the whole point of the question :-p tbh I use terminology to form a foundation for my answer after I link the quote to other aspects, it’s just a useful starting point for students who aren’t sure how to start answering a question. Personally I tend to waffle and therefore lose concision within my answers.

Also I wasn’t disrespecting what you have replied, I was just giving an opinion that I find useful, no one has to take my advice but it’s jut nice for the OP to collect a variety of opinions and decide what they think is best for them :-)
Well said. It can often be easier basing and structuring each point around a prominent quote and/or literary technique. :hat2:
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giella
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I would agree a single good quote works better than lots of little ones. However, I would disagree that devices help. More often than not, this attitude encourages people to select a quote because it contains a device rather than because it’s the right quote. This is a myopic approach and the analysis usually follows suit.

To go back to the example of exergasia from the OP. A narrow focus on the device blinds the candidate to considering other questions about who is saying it, why, when etc and about whom – the aspects of the text that give the words their meaning, and, perhaps more importantly, how. The fact that the description is so repetitive and yet never more precise is what’s interesting. Labelling it as exergasia takes the place of more complex, high yield analysis that can be done by means of a simple yet effective framework of asking who, what, when, where, why and how: questions that enable engagement with context as well as the words ie your AO3. This framework allows a candidate to engage with the basic principle of language as a medium for conveying ideas and the theory that writer’s choices are deliberate and meaningful. There are no extra marks for identifying specific techniques. We award higher marks to answers that engage with the writing as meaningful narrative, not as a sum of its parts.
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olivka
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How should I change the fact I am jumping through quotes to explanation? My intent was to give a few examples to support the thesis statement at the beginning. Is this what the examiner wants me to do? If not, what should I focus on so my work doesn’t sound sloppy? And what are the examiners looking for in specific?
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olivka
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I am taking the criticism professionally, any insight helps therefore I’m grateful
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giella
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Do you mean your own thesis statement? Or the one in the question (I don’t see one specifically)?

You should be trying to develop your point through examination and analysis of evidence. Your point should give you something to try and prove, which you have done, but you move through so many quotes in a single paragraph that the point gets forgotten.

I would advise you try and select a piece of evidence that you can explicitly use to explore the idea you make in your point. If the point you’re making is “The writer presents Hyde as an unnatural and horrifying character,” then your next sentence should appear as to make a move toward proving this. A strong answer might perhaps then reach for an example that demonstrated both of these e.g. these qualities become apparent from the way in which ____ reacts to him/describes him, describing him to ____ as “...”

Moving from point to evidence in this way ie presenting your evidence as an extension or development of your point gives you an opportunity to expand on the terms you used in your point (I didn’t do that here, just using “these qualities”, but you could) and allows you to present your quote/evidence in context ie what is being said, to/by whom, when, where etc. Choosing a quote which is meaningful in terms of this context gives you a lot of space to develop your analysis in support of your answer, claiming AO3 as well as AO2, and means you don’t have to include quite as many quotes to fill things up.

Another good tip would be to write your paragraph in the direction of writer —> reader ie writer does A, leading to reader being encouraged to think B. It gives your writing a sense of direction and allows you to imbue your discussion with a sense of meaning and purpose: the so what factor, if you will. You rely at present on the rather flat and unconvincing phrase, “this proves that...” Actually, I could easily argue for each of them that you have yet to do anything of the kind, so try to think about the actual process of writing. Writing is communication, across time and space, between a writer and her or his eventual reader. Representing this relationship is essential to good essay writing. Words have no meaning until a reader decodes and interprets them, so what might this end response look like? You can’t speak for every reader, but you can identify what emotions the writer appeals to and what the writer prompts a reader toward considering or thinking.
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