I think I might be a psycho girlfriend

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Uhm...so
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So my boyfriend and I have been together for the past 4 years and its been a very rough road, we have both cheated on each other and are trying to work on gaining the trust back again.
The main issue I have is with his females friends, these girls act so inappropriately around him and they know he has a girlfriend but still continue and he doesnt see anything wrong with that then when I react (Meaning blow up his phone, cuss him out and throw a whole fit 😓) he turns the whole thing on me and tells me I'm being crazy and unreasonable and it just turns into a never-ending fight that leads to unkind words being said, feelings getting hurt and us breaking up for the umpteenth time.
I love him with my entire heart and I do see a future with him but at the rate that we're going, that future might just not happen 💔

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yasmin3.1415
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I

(Original post by Uhm...so)
So my boyfriend and I have been together for the past 4 years and its been a very rough road, we have both cheated on each other and are trying to work on gaining the trust back again.
The main issue I have is with his females friends, these girls act so inappropriately around him and they know he has a girlfriend but still continue and he doesnt see anything wrong with that then when I react (Meaning blow up his phone, cuss him out and throw a whole fit 😓) he turns the whole thing on me and tells me I'm being crazy and unreasonable and it just turns into a never-ending fight that leads to unkind words being said, feelings getting hurt and us breaking up for the umpteenth time.
I love him with my entire heart and I do see a future with him but at the rate that we're going, that future might just not happen 💔

Help a sister out
Honestly, if you see a future with him you have to get better at healthy communication. Blowing up at people never works and I know it is super hard not to react out like that but there is no pros of doing it. There is loads of resources on healthy communication on the web. Btw whenever me and my girlfriend have a rough patch we find some romantic (and cheap!) dates or doing little things with each other to help bond better.

I hope you work well with him. Also remember to always work on you before expecting others to change (It was hard for me to do this too dw)
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londonmyst
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You need to improve calm communication and maintain positive interaction with each other.
Both of you need to be clear on what you each believe needs to change to maintain a healthy relationship, what each of you want from the relationship and expect from the other person.

Have the two of you discussed whether a monogamous relationship is what you really want?
If you are both also involved with other people, resorting to lies/other dishonesty to hide it, getting angry/jealous/paranoid, then breaking up and getting back together- maybe an fwb style arrangement with zero commitment or an open relationship will suit you better?
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Anonymous #1
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If you’ve both cheated on each other and are trying to work it out yet you keep having doubts, just leave the relationship, it’s not healthy. Toxic relationships are never the one. You have to feel comfortable, happy and safe in a relationship. If you don’t, then it’s not a healthy relationship.
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LCHF OMAD
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It doesn't sound like a functional relationship to me. I'm a guy and I was in your position years ago. My gf then had many guy friends who acted inappropriately. And she made me feel so terrible for starting arguments with her about it, said that I was so insecure and crazy. She eventually broke up with me and left me feeling like the breakdown of the relationship was entirely my fault. Several months later I found out she had in fact, been frequently cheating on me. All that time she made me feel so awful for my suspicions, i was actually right on the money!

The moral of the story is just go with your gut. Even if your partner is good at turning it around on you and making you feel like it is your fault. There are 3 possible scenarios if you leave him and you win in each of them:

1. He is also behaving inappropriately and still cheating, in which case it is pretty clear cut, leaving him was a good choice!
2. He isn't cheating, but he still hangs around with a bunch of female friends who behave inappropriately, and he knows it bothers you. Yet he still does it. Not very considerate is it? It's making you unhappy and there is no point in staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Don't do what I did and try to stick it out for months. You'll never get that time back.
3. Nothing inappropriate is going on and you are just paranoid. This is more difficult to discern but walking away will also benefit you in this scenario. You still aren't happy. You can try again with someone who doesn't have a whole load of female friends after a good long period of being single where you can examine yourself and work on your flaws. But yeah, it's not so easy for someone to figure out if this is actually what is happening. If it becomes a trend over a several relationships, then yeah, maybe you are paranoid/psycho. But you seem pretty reasonable and self-aware. I personally don't think this is your scenario. It's either 1 or 2.

The trick to relationships is knowing when to walk away. Walking away takes self-esteem and self-worth that a lot of people don't have. I certainly didn't and it cost me not just my enjoyment of my first year of uni. But if you manage to do it, it's honestly the most powerful move you can make. Maybe he'll see the error of his ways and come back to you and stop hanging around with them. But if he slides back into old habits, do not hesitate to dump him. If he doesn't see the error of his ways then he's not the right person for you and you still win! If you can do this, you'll be mentally years ahead of most others your age.
Last edited by LCHF OMAD; 4 weeks ago
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Uhm...so
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(Original post by yasmin3.1415)
I


Honestly, if you see a future with him you have to get better at healthy communication. Blowing up at people never works and I know it is super hard not to react out like that but there is no pros of doing it. There is loads of resources on healthy communication on the web. Btw whenever me and my girlfriend have a rough patch we find some romantic (and cheap!) dates or doing little things with each other to help bond better.

I hope you work well with him. Also remember to always work on you before expecting others to change (It was hard for me to do
I'll take the points you made into consideration, thank you so much I really appreciate it 🙏
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Uhm...so
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(Original post by londonmyst)
You need to improve calm communication and maintain positive interaction with each other.
Both of you need to be clear on what you each believe needs to change to maintain a healthy relationship, what each of you want from the relationship and expect from the other person.

Have the two of you discussed whether a monogamous relationship is what you really want?
If you are both also involved with other people, resorting to lies/other dishonesty to hide it, getting angry/jealous/paranoid, then breaking up and getting back together- maybe an fwb style arrangement with zero commitment or an open relationship will suit you better?
Hmmm, I never really thought of the fwb thing but I will have a convo with him and see where we stand
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Uhm...so
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If you’ve both cheated on each other and are trying to work it out yet you keep having doubts, just leave the relationship, it’s not healthy. Toxic relationships are never the one. You have to feel comfortable, happy and safe in a relationship. If you don’t, then it’s not a healthy
😢 I hate to face this reality but you are right
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Uhm...so
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(Original post by LCHF OMAD)
It doesn't sound like a functional relationship to me. I'm a guy and I was in your position years ago. My gf then had many guy friends who acted inappropriately. And she made me feel so terrible for starting arguments with her about it, said that I was so insecure and crazy. She eventually broke up with me and left me feeling like the breakdown of the relationship was entirely my fault. Several months later I found out she had in fact, been frequently cheating on me. All that time she made me feel so awful for my suspicions, i was actually right on the money!

The moral of the story is just go with your gut. Even if your partner is good at turning it around on you and making you feel like it is your fault. There are 3 possible scenarios if you leave him and you win in each of them:

1. He is also behaving inappropriately and still cheating, in which case it is pretty clear cut, leaving him was a good choice!
2. He isn't cheating, but he still hangs around with a bunch of female friends who behave inappropriately, and he knows it bothers you. Yet he still does it. Not very considerate is it? It's making you unhappy and there is no point in staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Don't do what I did and try to stick it out for months. You'll never get that time back.
3. Nothing inappropriate is going on and you are just paranoid. This is more difficult to discern but walking away will also benefit you in this scenario. You still aren't happy. You can try again with someone who doesn't have a whole load of female friends after a good long period of being single where you can examine yourself and work on your flaws. But yeah, it's not so easy for someone to figure out if this is actually what is happening. If it becomes a trend over a several relationships, then yeah, maybe you are paranoid/psycho. But you seem pretty reasonable and self-aware. I personally don't think this is your scenario. It's either 1 or 2.

The trick to relationships is knowing when to walk away. Walking away takes self-esteem and self-worth that a lot of people don't have. I certainly didn't and it cost me not just my enjoyment of my first year of uni. But if you manage to do it, it's honestly the most powerful move you can make. Maybe he'll see the error of his ways and come back to you and stop hanging around with them. But if he slides back into old habits, do not hesitate to dump him. If he doesn't see the error of his ways then he's not the right person for you and you still win! If you can do this, you'll be mentally years ahead of most others your age.
This was alot to take in hey, I hear you though, thank you so much
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chrishowes
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No pp is worth that
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Penny456
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(Original post by Uhm...so)
So my boyfriend and I have been together for the past 4 years and its been a very rough road, we have both cheated on each other and are trying to work on gaining the trust back again.
The main issue I have is with his females friends, these girls act so inappropriately around him and they know he has a girlfriend but still continue and he doesnt see anything wrong with that then when I react (Meaning blow up his phone, cuss him out and throw a whole fit 😓) he turns the whole thing on me and tells me I'm being crazy and unreasonable and it just turns into a never-ending fight that leads to unkind words being said, feelings getting hurt and us breaking up for the umpteenth time.
I love him with my entire heart and I do see a future with him but at the rate that we're going, that future might just not happen 💔

Help a sister out
Girl, the two of you cheating is just a recipe for disaster. Do yourself a favour and find someone you'd never dream of cheating on and who would never even think about cheating on you! Good luck xx
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