Don't see girlfriends in sexual way

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Anonymous #1
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I don't understand why I don't see crushes or girlfriends in a sexual way. I'm a 17 year old male with a pretty high sex drive, masturbate regularly and get turned on pretty often like any standard guy. But, when I have major crushes and girlfriends, I lose any desire to have sex with them. I found them very sexually attractive before and did fantasize about them before asking them out. But as my feelings deepened it's like I couldn't think about someone who means that much to me like that. It's like there's romantic desire and sexual desire, and I just can't reconcile the sex side to the romance side with someone who I really like, and I lose the willingness to have sex and see them in that way, and I have no clue why. Is it a mindset I have to romance? Is it normal? I just don't understand how I can see someone in a sexual way and then when getting closer to them the sexual appetite just diminishes, almost like they're inversely proportional. I'd be extremely romantically attracted to them if that makes sense, find them beautiful and adorable in every way; but the thought of finding that sort of carnal desire in them just doesn't seem to reconcile with my emotional attraction and care for them. The two just seem incompatible in a way in my mind, and I don't know how to get past that. I'm worried that if it comes to sex I just won't be able to get hard. Could someone please explain why or offer any insight into this?
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Bio 7
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Fraysexuality comes to mind here.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bio 7)
Fraysexuality comes to mind here.
Thank you so much for that. I looked it up and it basically summed my experience in a sentence. Obviously still wary about prescribing this to myself firmly, as I'm really not that experienced and never kissed a girl, although I have wanted to of course, but thought of actual sexual actions seems wrong with them. It could also partially be a mindset i suppose, as a lot of sexuality is in the brain I believe? But thank you for shedding some light, I really appreciate it.
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ChickenMadness
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Were you raised as a christian or muslim?

Might be all that brainwashing about sex being evil thats done it. And because you subconsciously view sex as evil, you don't want to do it to someone you love. I still haven't gotten over all of my emotional sex problems that stem from religion and very conservative parents. I've experienced what you're describing as well.
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Theloniouss
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Have you tried... Doing sexual stuff with them?
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Bio 7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you so much for that. I looked it up and it basically summed my experience in a sentence. Obviously still wary about prescribing this to myself firmly, as I'm really not that experienced and never kissed a girl, although I have wanted to of course, but thought of actual sexual actions seems wrong with them. It could also partially be a mindset i suppose, as a lot of sexuality is in the brain I believe? But thank you for shedding some light, I really appreciate it.
Never force yourself into a label, only use them if they feel right to you.

Good luck with it, I'm sure you'll work yourself out in time even if it takes a while. Took me years.
Last edited by Bio 7; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by ChickenMadness)
Were you raised as a christian or muslim?

Might be all that brainwashing about sex being evil thats done it. And because you subconsciously view sex as evil, you don't want to do it to someone you love. I still haven't gotten over all of my emotional sex problems that stem from religion and very conservative parents. I've experienced what you're describing as well.
I was raised a muslim, and I think that may be a part of the mindset. I suspected that it may be, as from a young age it's always been instilled into me that seeing opposite gender people in that way is wrong, and I've never experienced any sort of attraction in any form to females and never thought about it until puberty, which I've been told is not too common? But I definitely do have a yearning and desire for sex, I do masturbate and occasionally watch porn with no guilt, and I do definitely have a yearning for romance, but the problem comes if the two coincide. Perhaps my attitude to romance is infantilised and more idealised? I don't really know tbh.
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ChickenMadness
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I was raised a muslim, and I think that may be a part of the mindset. I suspected that it may be, as from a young age it's always been instilled into me that seeing opposite gender people in that way is wrong, and I've never experienced any sort of attraction in any form to females and never thought about it until puberty, which I've been told is not too common? But I definitely do have a yearning and desire for sex, I do masturbate and occasionally watch porn with no guilt, and I do definitely have a yearning for romance, but the problem comes if the two coincide. Perhaps my attitude to romance is infantilised and more idealised? I don't really know tbh.
It does get better, the more you 'meditate' on it and try to change the way you think about these things. It's extremely confusing though, where all these conflicting emotions come from.

The first time I had sex I felt horrible afterwards, literally disgusted and sick with myself, even though it was in a wholesome relationship and I didn't do anything wrong. For me, I know for sure it was because of all the brainwashing I've grown up with about sex being bad.

But the thing is, sex is supposed to be one of the most loving and intimate experiences between two people that love each other. If you remind yourself of that when you have these conflicting feelings it may help. It's something that I do and I've made alot of progress myself.

I definitely don't think it's normal to have any feelings of guilt / shame / negativity around sexuality or what you described in your OP. I think conflicted feelings like that usually come from childhood and can be consciously worked through and get better over time. The next time you're in a proper relationship you can tell your girlfriend about it too and that can also help shift your mindset by doing things with them. As long as it's with someone patient who you can trust and it's a safe environment they can help you work through that stuff.
Last edited by ChickenMadness; 1 month ago
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username5447420
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If you are, Stop watching porn.
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ChickenMadness
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(Original post by jacobf91)
If you are, Stop watching porn.
Ye forgot about that, thats a good point as well.
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username5447420
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If you stop masterbating and stop watching porn, I guarantee you will be sexually interested in your partner. If your jerking off every night to 10/10's it will desensitize you or make you disinterested in the real thing. Give it a shot.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by jacobf91)
If you stop masterbating and stop watching porn, I guarantee you will be sexually interested in your partner. If your jerking off every night to 10/10's it will desensitize you or make you disinterested in the real thing. Give it a shot.
Thanks for the reply! I do watch porn around once a month and do masturbate more than that, so I definitely will stop it completely next time I'm with someone.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by ChickenMadness)
It does get better, the more you 'meditate' on it and try to change the way you think about these things. It's extremely confusing though, where all these conflicting emotions come from.

The first time I had sex I felt horrible afterwards, literally disgusted and sick with myself, even though it was in a wholesome relationship and I didn't do anything wrong. For me, I know for sure it was because of all the brainwashing I've grown up with about sex being bad.

But the thing is, sex is supposed to be one of the most loving and intimate experiences between two people that love each other. If you remind yourself of that when you have these conflicting feelings it may help. It's something that I do and I've made alot of progress myself.

I definitely don't think it's normal to have any feelings of guilt / shame / negativity around sexuality or what you described in your OP. I think conflicted feelings like that usually come from childhood and can be consciously worked through and get better over time. The next time you're in a proper relationship you can tell your girlfriend about it too and that can also help shift your mindset by doing things with them. As long as it's with someone patient who you can trust and it's a safe environment they can help you work through that stuff.
Thanks for the advice! I definitely see how that might be the reason. But on a conscious level I never felt any guilt in trying to think about my girlfriend in that way, I know it's natural and sex is an intimate experience, and I am well aware it is not bad, but I just couldn't see her in a sexual way at all, like my feelings for her were just blocking that, and I couldn't equate the two. Although It could just be more a subconscious mindset I have to sex like you said, I will definitely mediate over that and talk next time I have a relationship. Thank you so much again for the advice! Makes me feel a lot better.
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candydiva
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Ur problem is not as rare as some ppl would have u believe.

Lots of dudes seem to have what seem normal sex drives when solo and not even on OF accounts etc. but just regular porn and masturbation. But when he knows he will xperience the heat and desire of a real live woman, things change.... I've xactly encountered this before.... when confronted by my tall and bounteous bod the dude loses his previous bigtalking enthusiasm lol! Now I have ways to remind him of his basic needs if this does happen lol! Girls are so not like this... if we get naked with u, we want it...I mean, we WANT IT. For real.

But it's true the mental aspect is more problematic and I am not sure wat to say prior to mtg someone to help ur frame of mind.

When u do meet a girl who wants to get down with u, then try this... if she is patient and has some xperience, then close ur eyes and have her take charge. I am very sure this will take care of the issue.
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