Can someone check over my creative writing for English language?

Watch
avi_carat
Badges: 4
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
I've just done a creative writing task using a past picture from an exam. (I'm doing AQA) The question was to 'Write about time travelling suggested by the picture'. I'm not sure whether I've actually answered the question properly and I'm wondering what kinda things I could to do improve this as English is my worst subjects. Anyways, thank you ))
Last edited by avi_carat; 4 weeks ago
0
reply
A.Peters0797
Badges: 13
Rep:
?
#2
Report 4 weeks ago
#2
(Original post by avi_carat)
I've just done a creative writing task using a past picture from an exam. (I'm doing AQA) The question was to 'Write about time travelling suggested by the picture'. I'm not sure whether I've actually answered the question properly and I'm wondering what kinda things I could to do improve this as English is my worst subjects. Anyways, thank you ))
Well done for practicing what seems to be one of the most difficult exam questions I've seen, it's good that you're challenging yourself!

I would first suggest checking that first paragraph, because it doesn't quite read 'right', and the punctuation is a little off in places. They also advise writing more formally by writing 'it is', not 'it's', but that's super picky and not always necessary, it just sounds much more professional.

What is the question that you had to answer in it's entirety?

I think you've definitely chosen the most 'obvious' way to go about this question, and I think my/the examiner's opinion of what you've written depends on your thought processes behind it. I do think it's a decent piece of work, I just think there may be a more imaginative way to approach it if you analysed the photo in enough detail

I really hope this has all made sense! Let me know if you need anything explaining/annotating
1
reply
Pichi
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#3
Report 4 weeks ago
#3
I remember using this photo as practice!

The language and descriptions you use are quite beautiful. It sets the tone for being mysterious and hostile, almost as though the place has a life of its own. I also like the premise- I’m assuming this train station you’re describing is like some sort of place existing between space and time? I’d also say you did quite a good job trying not to write too much so that the plot becomes too complicated or that you cram too much in a short amount of time.

There are a few things to improve on. First, while it is good that you varied your grammar, it still needs a little work, you comma-splice when it is better to use full-stops and let sentences become too long. (This sentence that I just wrote is me trying to show you an example of what I mean, haha.) Varying your sentence lengths is a good thing- writers don’t necessarily only write long ones. Short sentences can act as a break after a series of long ones, or can even become a point of tension (like the ‘click’s and sentences you wrote around those- I really liked this as a point of tension.)

Secondly, I’d just like to point out that you use the wrong ‘it’s’. ‘It’s’ is an omission of ‘it is’, whereas ‘its’ indicates the possession of something (including its properties! See, I just did it here.)

(‘Winter’ also doesn’t have to be capitalised in this case. At least, I think it doesn’t have to.)

Also, while I do like your premise, it does get a little confusing. I don’t understand what the clicks are for, nor why these people in the station disappear. Maybe you could write a little more to better explain, especially on making the time-travel part more clear? I think your story is almost too short. I think it might be better with a bit more description and explaining how this train station relates to time-travel. Also, as the person above mentioned, was this the question in its entirety? I thought I remembered this question to be asking you to write a story about time-travel. This seems to be leaning more towards a description rather than a story, but it has potential. Maybe feature a main character via the first person describing these events of people disappearing? I’m not sure.

Other than that, it’s pretty good. I love your descriptions of the environment. I’m no teacher nor examiner, but this was my favourite part of English Language. Anyway, well done. Hope this helps.
1
reply
avi_carat
Badges: 4
Rep:
?
#4
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#4
(Original post by A.Peters0797)
Well done for practicing what seems to be one of the most difficult exam questions I've seen, it's good that you're challenging yourself!

I would first suggest checking that first paragraph, because it doesn't quite read 'right', and the punctuation is a little off in places. They also advise writing more formally by writing 'it is', not 'it's', but that's super picky and not always necessary, it just sounds much more professional.

What is the question that you had to answer in it's entirety?

I think you've definitely chosen the most 'obvious' way to go about this question, and I think my/the examiner's opinion of what you've written depends on your thought processes behind it. I do think it's a decent piece of work, I just think there may be a more imaginative way to approach it if you analysed the photo in enough detail

I really hope this has all made sense! Let me know if you need anything explaining/annotating
Thank you so much for replying!

I'm surprised my teacher never told me that examiners preferred more formal language so thanks for the tip.

The full questions says: 'Your local newspaper is running a creative writing competition and the best entries will be published. Either: Write a story about time travel as suggested by this picture (which is the one I did) or describe life as you imagine it in 200 years' time.'

I do agree I should have focused on more details in the photo. Do you know how I could maybe make it more imaginative?
0
reply
avi_carat
Badges: 4
Rep:
?
#5
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#5
(Original post by Pichi)
I remember using this photo as practice!

The language and descriptions you use are quite beautiful. It sets the tone for being mysterious and hostile, almost as though the place has a life of its own. I also like the premise- I’m assuming this train station you’re describing is like some sort of place existing between space and time? I’d also say you did quite a good job trying not to write too much so that the plot becomes too complicated or that you cram too much in a short amount of time.

There are a few things to improve on. First, while it is good that you varied your grammar, it still needs a little work, you comma-splice when it is better to use full-stops and let sentences become too long. (This sentence that I just wrote is me trying to show you an example of what I mean, haha.) Varying your sentence lengths is a good thing- writers don’t necessarily only write long ones. Short sentences can act as a break after a series of long ones, or can even become a point of tension (like the ‘click’s and sentences you wrote around those- I really liked this as a point of tension.)

Secondly, I’d just like to point out that you use the wrong ‘it’s’. ‘It’s’ is an omission of ‘it is’, whereas ‘its’ indicates the possession of something (including its properties! See, I just did it here.)

(‘Winter’ also doesn’t have to be capitalised in this case. At least, I think it doesn’t have to.)

Also, while I do like your premise, it does get a little confusing. I don’t understand what the clicks are for, nor why these people in the station disappear. Maybe you could write a little more to better explain, especially on making the time-travel part more clear? I think your story is almost too short. I think it might be better with a bit more description and explaining how this train station relates to time-travel. Also, as the person above mentioned, was this the question in its entirety? I thought I remembered this question to be asking you to write a story about time-travel. This seems to be leaning more towards a description rather than a story, but it has potential. Maybe feature a main character via the first person describing these events of people disappearing? I’m not sure.

Other than that, it’s pretty good. I love your descriptions of the environment. I’m no teacher nor examiner, but this was my favourite part of English Language. Anyway, well done. Hope this helps.
Thanks for the reply

The full question was to write a story about time travel and I agree it do sounds a bit too much like a description and I kind of strayed away from the time-travelling aspect at some points...

Do you think that examiner's would mark me less if I were to leave things unexplained or would that make my story stand out more? I'm just worried if I were to run low on time I could skip explaining stuff like I did here and they wouldn't question it too much.

But thank you for all the points especially about having a main character, I'll try and do that in future.
0
reply
Tolgash
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#6
Report 4 weeks ago
#6
(Original post by Pichi)
I’m no teacher nor examiner, but this was my favourite part of English Language. Anyway, well done. Hope this helps.
Speaking of capitalisation, English language is a common compound noun. It isn't an actual title.
1
reply
Pichi
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#7
Report 4 weeks ago
#7
(Original post by Tolgash)
Speaking of capitalisation, English language is a common compound noun. It isn't an actual title.
For some reason, they call it 'GCSE English Language' and 'GCSE English Literature' on the papers and specification. I guess it looks tidier that way for the purposes of being a title for an exam?

But you're right. I wouldn't capitalise it in a normal sentence, for example, "I love speaking the English language." Thank you for pointing it out (I've seen you around before on TSR and you give great advice for English, so I trust that you are correct ) .

Edit because I actually want to ask a question on this: Do you capitalise the word 'literature' when describing different types of literature? For example, is it 'Victorian Literature' or 'Victorian literature'?
Last edited by Pichi; 4 weeks ago
0
reply
Tolgash
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#8
Report 4 weeks ago
#8
(Original post by Pichi)
For some reason, they call it 'GCSE English Language' and 'GCSE English Literature' on the papers and specification. I guess it looks tidier that way for the purposes of being a title for an exam?

But you're right. I wouldn't capitalise it in a normal sentence, for example, "I love speaking the English language." Thank you for pointing it out (I've seen you around before on TSR and you give great advice for English, so I trust that you are correct ) .

Edit because I actually want to ask a question on this: Do you capitalise the word 'literature' when describing different types of literature? For example, is it 'Victorian Literature' or 'Victorian literature'?
You don't capitalise 'literature' in that noun phrase. It is a common noun, and it is not capitalised just because it is pre-modified by a proper adjective.

Also, a GCSE in English language is a qualification that all four main awarding bodies offer, and no specification is identical. They likely capitalise it on the papers and the specs because that's their style, but it's not the actual specification title. If you're not writing using their style, you don't need to capitalise it.
Last edited by Tolgash; 4 weeks ago
0
reply
A.Peters0797
Badges: 13
Rep:
?
#9
Report 4 weeks ago
#9
(Original post by avi_carat)
Thank you so much for replying!

I'm surprised my teacher never told me that examiners preferred more formal language so thanks for the tip.

The full questions says: 'Your local newspaper is running a creative writing competition and the best entries will be published. Either: Write a story about time travel as suggested by this picture (which is the one I did) or describe life as you imagine it in 200 years' time.'

I do agree I should have focused on more details in the photo. Do you know how I could maybe make it more imaginative?
Not a problem😊
I suggest analysing it like you would a piece of text, maybe separate it into a 3 x 3 grid or something and write words that you might associate with it and then you'll eventually figure something out. I do think its a difficult one though and you've done well with what you have so I wouldn't dwell on it, just make sure you have this plan written down because the examiner cares about your analysis and thought process more than your creative writing (to an extent).

If you need any more help/if this wasn't helpful enough, I'm busy all weekend but just quote me with your questions and I'll help on Monday
0
reply
Pichi
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#10
Report 4 weeks ago
#10
(Original post by avi_carat)
Thanks for the reply

The full question was to write a story about time travel and I agree it do sounds a bit too much like a description and I kind of strayed away from the time-travelling aspect at some points...

Do you think that examiner's would mark me less if I were to leave things unexplained or would that make my story stand out more? I'm just worried if I were to run low on time I could skip explaining stuff like I did here and they wouldn't question it too much.

But thank you for all the points especially about having a main character, I'll try and do that in future.
I'm not sure about the examiner marking you down for that. Maybe they would if it disrupted the general coherence of the plot (like I said, I had no idea what the clicks really were- footsteps?- and I wasn't entirely sure if the train station was supposed to be a station existing outside of time. Since these are basic parts of the plot or premise, I think it would be better to explain those parts/make it clear and explicit). However, I guess that, if you did leave parts unexplained because it contributes to the plot and the mystery- like nobody knowing where these people and bodies disappear to- then I think that should be fine.

I don't know what exam board you're on (I did AQA) but AO5 (24 marks for AO5 and 16 marks for AO6 for the entire question) is this:
- Communicate clearly, effectively and imaginatively, selecting and adapting
tone, style and register for different forms, purposes and audiences.
- Organise information and ideas, using structural and grammatical features to support coherence and cohesion of texts.

The easiest way for me to figure out whether or not something I've written is coherent is to pretend that I know absolutely nothing about the story except for the words written on the page. If, from this perspective, I don't understand what's going on, then it probably has a few important holes in the plot.

I hope that made sense? Maybe try and get your teacher to mark it as well since their feedback will be a lot more reliable (though I understand that it'll be harder to do that because of Covid- maybe ask them if you can email it to them or if they can quarantine the paper you write it on for a few days before marking it? Someone even got a teacher to read their answer from a distance by holding their book up in an English lesson once this year and got verbal feedback).
Last edited by Pichi; 4 weeks ago
0
reply
avi_carat
Badges: 4
Rep:
?
#11
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#11
(Original post by Pichi)
I'm not sure about the examiner marking you down for that. Maybe they would if it disrupted the general coherence of the plot (like I said, I had no idea what the clicks really were- footsteps?- and I wasn't entirely sure if the train station was supposed to be a station existing outside of time. Since these are basic parts of the plot or premise, I think it would be better to explain those parts/make it clear and explicit). However, I guess that, if you did leave parts unexplained because it contributes to the plot and the mystery- like nobody knowing where these people and bodies disappear to- then I think that should be fine.

I don't know what exam board you're on (I did AQA) but AO5 (24 marks for AO5 and 16 marks for AO6 for the entire question) is this:
- Communicate clearly, effectively and imaginatively, selecting and adapting
tone, style and register for different forms, purposes and audiences.
- Organise information and ideas, using structural and grammatical features to support coherence and cohesion of texts.

The easiest way for me to figure out whether or not something I've written is coherent is to pretend that I know absolutely nothing about the story except for the words written on the page. If, from this perspective, I don't understand what's going on, then it probably has a few important holes in the plot.

I hope that made sense? Maybe try and get your teacher to mark it as well since their feedback will be a lot more reliable (though I understand that it'll be harder to do that because of Covid- maybe ask them if you can email it to them or if they can quarantine the paper you write it on for a few days before marking it? Someone even got a teacher to read their answer from a distance by holding their book up in an English lesson once this year and got verbal feedback).
I see, that does make sense. I'm also doing AQA.

I think I'll edit the story and then send it to my English teacher and see what he thinks of it.

Thanks again
1
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Are you travelling in the Uni student travel window (3-9 Dec) to go home for Christmas?

Yes (58)
28.43%
No - I have already returned home (24)
11.76%
No - I plan on travelling outside these dates (46)
22.55%
No - I'm staying at my term time address over Christmas (21)
10.29%
No - I live at home during term anyway (55)
26.96%

Watched Threads

View All