how to know it's time to leave?

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Anonymous #1
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#1
I've been in my first-ever relationship for 2 and a half years now, and i'm starting to question a lot of things....I don't really know if I should stay or not

on one hand, he can be incredibly kind. he's willing to pay for my stuff and invite me over every week and sometimes we have nice conversations. plus we've been going out for a while so it's easier to keep things as they are

on the other hand, a lot of his negative traits bother me a lot more than they used to. he says mean things in a serious way (usually about other people but occasionally about me) and then he says he's joking, and I can never tell when he's being honest or not. plus we just don't really speak much through text or anything anymore, mostly just a "k" or "yes" or random gif every few hours, and otherwise we see each other once a week, where we sit around doing nothing because he doesn't like any of my ideas. I feel like I lack excitement talking to him and that we argue a lot more than we used to but at the same time I feel mean for saying so

he's asked me to promise I'd never leave him in the past and it makes me feel guilty for considering breaking that, but...I can't tell if I'm just being cruel or if it's something I should actually think about doing

how do I know..?
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oglez92
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been in my first-ever relationship for 2 and a half years now, and i'm starting to question a lot of things....I don't really know if I should stay or not

on one hand, he can be incredibly kind. he's willing to pay for my stuff and invite me over every week and sometimes we have nice conversations. plus we've been going out for a while so it's easier to keep things as they are

on the other hand, a lot of his negative traits bother me a lot more than they used to. he says mean things in a serious way (usually about other people but occasionally about me) and then he says he's joking, and I can never tell when he's being honest or not. plus we just don't really speak much through text or anything anymore, mostly just a "k" or "yes" or random gif every few hours, and otherwise we see each other once a week, where we sit around doing nothing because he doesn't like any of my ideas. I feel like I lack excitement talking to him and that we argue a lot more than we used to but at the same time I feel mean for saying so

he's asked me to promise I'd never leave him in the past and it makes me feel guilty for considering breaking that, but...I can't tell if I'm just being cruel or if it's something I should actually think about doing

how do I know..?
The fact that he's made you promise you'll never leave him. That's my biggest concern! That's totally unrealistic and delusional to expect that from someone! And somewhat manipulative.

Seems like the communication is dying too which is concerning.

Do you think you have a long term future? What do you both want from life? Kids, family, marriage etc. If your goals aren't aligned then perhaps it's no longer worth staying together.
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Anonymous #2
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I feel like maybe both of you have started to close down on each other, you stop opening up on things. If he asked you something you don’t say and vice versa.
This means there’s no communication.

When he said don’t leave me you can stop the relationship but be there as a friend.

Also your probably exciting but he probably prefers your vibe alone than going out. Maybe
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SoulfulTwist
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Communicate and communicate well. You can get past most things as a couple if you do this.

The reality of any relationship is that you will sooner or later notice the others negative traits, and the reality is when you both start the relationship you never want each other to leave and to make that promise in the heat of things, is what you do when you aren't experienced and are young, and it's your first relationship etc Don't overthink that
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by oglez92)
The fact that he's made you promise you'll never leave him. That's my biggest concern! That's totally unrealistic and delusional to expect that from someone! And somewhat manipulative.

Seems like the communication is dying too which is concerning.

Do you think you have a long term future? What do you both want from life? Kids, family, marriage etc. If your goals aren't aligned then perhaps it's no longer worth staying together.
neither of us want kids, i don't think, but he's expressed before that "older women who replace kids with animals are sad and washed up" (another one of those things where i can't tell if hes serious) which....makes me iffy on that

he also seems to have the expectation that as soon as we leave our parents houses I'll move in with him and do all of the housework (he refuses to learn to cook cus "I'll be around to do it" even when I explained how flawed that was)

we've never really discussed marriage in a meaningful capacity, guess cus we're still quite young, but I think neither of us would want to make it a "big thing"


(Original post by Anonymous)
I feel like maybe both of you have started to close down on each other, you stop opening up on things. If he asked you something you don’t say and vice versa.
This means there’s no communication.

When he said don’t leave me you can stop the relationship but be there as a friend.

Also your probably exciting but he probably prefers your vibe alone than going out. Maybe
that's probably fair....I'm a little bit nervous when it comes to trying to be open with him these days

unfortunately he's expressed that he would never want to just be my friend (if I rejected him before or if I left him now, he says he wouldn't want to continue associating with me)

(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
Communicate and communicate well. You can get past most things as a couple if you do this.

The reality of any relationship is that you will sooner or later notice the others negative traits, and the reality is when you both start the relationship you never want each other to leave and to make that promise in the heat of things, is what you do when you aren't experienced and are young, and it's your first relationship etc Don't overthink that
yeah I think we're both just young and dumb, i don't hold it against him....I just wish he wouldn't ask "promise you'll never leave me when you go to uni" every time the topic comes up and imply that me going there would make me automatically adulterous
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SoulfulTwist
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(Original post by Anonymous)
neither of us want kids, i don't think, but he's expressed before that "older women who replace kids with animals are sad and washed up" (another one of those things where i can't tell if hes serious) which....makes me iffy on that

he also seems to have the expectation that as soon as we leave our parents houses I'll move in with him and do all of the housework (he refuses to learn to cook cus "I'll be around to do it" even when I explained how flawed that was)

we've never really discussed marriage in a meaningful capacity, guess cus we're still quite young, but I think neither of us would want to make it a "big thing"



that's probably fair....I'm a little bit nervous when it comes to trying to be open with him these days

unfortunately he's expressed that he would never want to just be my friend (if I rejected him before or if I left him now, he says he wouldn't want to continue associating with me)


yeah I think we're both just young and dumb, i don't hold it against him....I just wish he wouldn't ask "promise you'll never leave me when you go to uni" every time the topic comes up and imply that me going there would make me automatically adulterous
Oh I thought it was a one off promise thingy, not brought up every time you speak about uni.

You should make your OP clear with all the problems, I thought it was just a communicarion issue but sounds like more than that. Sounds like he is a lazy ass too, and that he thinks you can do better than him.
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oglez92
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To be honest this guy sounds very immature and somewhat controlling.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
Oh I thought it was a one off promise thingy, not brought up every time you speak about uni.

You should make your OP clear with all the problems, I thought it was just a communicarion issue but sounds like more than that. Sounds like he is a lazy ass too, and that he thinks you can do better than him.
I do think he's insecure about his worth so it might be one of the causes for him to be the way he is, which makes me feel kinda mean for not being more understanding but at the same time, it still bothers me regardless of the cause

I've decided I do want to at least talk about my problems involving us, because even if I don't expect if to go over well he deserves to know my thoughts, but I'm not sure when to do it...my birthday is really soon and I know he's bought me something so i feel like it would be especially cold of me to bring it up right away, but I also don't want to seem like I'm hiding things from him for longer than I have to
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candydiva
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(Original post by Anonymous)
neither of us want kids, i don't think, but he's expressed before that "older women who replace kids with animals are sad and washed up" (another one of those things where i can't tell if hes serious) which....makes me iffy on that

he also seems to have the expectation that as soon as we leave our parents houses I'll move in with him and do all of the housework (he refuses to learn to cook cus "I'll be around to do it" even when I explained how flawed that was)

we've never really discussed marriage in a meaningful capacity, guess cus we're still quite young, but I think neither of us would want to make it a "big thing"



that's probably fair....I'm a little bit nervous when it comes to trying to be open with him these days

unfortunately he's expressed that he would never want to just be my friend (if I rejected him before or if I left him now, he says he wouldn't want to continue associating with me)


yeah I think we're both just young and dumb, i don't hold it against him....I just wish he wouldn't ask "promise you'll never leave me when you go to uni" every time the topic comes up and imply that me going there would make me automatically adulterous
Wat? He xpects u to cook 4 him! Coz "u will be around to do it"! WTF!! I can't believe this!

Y do find this person attractive? He's not mature.. for sure he's a sponger and a potential control freak and the signs are quite clear from wat u said. He says "mean things" like he means them...that's ur intuition telling u... he DOES mean them. Girl always always listen to ur intuition. The voice inside is a survival skill working from cues felt by thousands of generations of women.

Guys who say mean things and pretend they r "joking" are absolutely full of it. We have nasty ppl where I work and that's xactly wat they say too.

He demands u promise not to lv him.. knowing u r headed to uni.. to emotionally bond u to him knowing u r for sure lving him. This is so typical of how males attempt to control females and I will be honest with u.... we all know, including u, wat will happen. The only questions are, when, and how damaging will the breakup be.

He rlly sounds v immature and quite unpleasant from wat u say. There r gonna be more serious problems in the near future and u should consider carefully the sit.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been in my first-ever relationship for 2 and a half years now, and i'm starting to question a lot of things....I don't really know if I should stay or not

on one hand, he can be incredibly kind. he's willing to pay for my stuff and invite me over every week and sometimes we have nice conversations. plus we've been going out for a while so it's easier to keep things as they are

on the other hand, a lot of his negative traits bother me a lot more than they used to. he says mean things in a serious way (usually about other people but occasionally about me) and then he says he's joking, and I can never tell when he's being honest or not. plus we just don't really speak much through text or anything anymore, mostly just a "k" or "yes" or random gif every few hours, and otherwise we see each other once a week, where we sit around doing nothing because he doesn't like any of my ideas. I feel like I lack excitement talking to him and that we argue a lot more than we used to but at the same time I feel mean for saying so

he's asked me to promise I'd never leave him in the past and it makes me feel guilty for considering breaking that, but...I can't tell if I'm just being cruel or if it's something I should actually think about doing

how do I know..?
To be honest if he isnt making you happy then I think it’s best to leave . You want someone who loves the idea of you being around them a lot and them making you feel special. He seem very controlling and this is a very bad sign . If you let him get away with these little things it may turn into something more serious. Sometimes you need to put yourself first before him as you are the most important person and your health and mental health is so important. If he making you feel bad or upset then you need to either have a serious chat with him or consider putting yourself first and leaving . I know how incredibly hard it is to leave a relationship with someone you love as I had to but in the end I’ve come out a stronger person and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders .

I was in my first relationship for 9 months and had to end it as my ex wouldn’t meet me on a weekend or see me at a lunchtime for even and hour and the whole time wouldn’t tell his parents about me . Everything was about him and he never thought about what I wanted . He would put everything before me and it was such a toxic relationship. I was physically and mentally drained . I loved him but had to leave as I could see past all the lies he was telling me and how much it was upsetting me . I tried so hard to please him but in the end he was so manipulative , selfish and down right horrible . We agreed to be friends but he’s gone out of his way in school to avoid me and make me feel horrible .

So I think you should definitely way out the pros and cons of being with him as you could meet someone amazing that worships you and wants to do everything to make you happy
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