Boyfriend isn't supportive of me starting uni

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
When I first started looking to go to university I was hoping that he would be able to come with me.
I soon realised that unis wouldn't accommodate for him since he isn't a student himself so unless we lived in a flat off campus (which I felt would ruin a lot of the uni experience, and I would miss out on making friends with room mates as that's something I'm really keen/anxious about) then I'd be going by myself.
Since he realised he might not come, I can't talk to anything uni related with him without him guilt tripping me (even though sometimes he claims he's "just kidding")
I had a really good time looking at the virtual Manchester Met open day today and when I was telling him about how nice the accommodation looked he just said "oh well guess you'll be going without me then, I'll just stay down in Devon so you can forget about me", when I said that's not funny and he shouldn't think like that he just goes "Well it's true you'll just make a bunch of new friends and forget about me and we probably won't work out because we'll never see each other", even though I explained that trains are a thing?? and it'll only work out if we don't try, but he just makes every conversation about uni into a negative one when I should be able to express how excited I am to move on with my life.
Am I really being that selfish for putting myself first and wanting to make new friends and have a proper uni experience?
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Anonymous #2
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#2
sounds like you could do with letting him go right now! if someone loves you, they want the best for you and for you to blossom. They don't whine and hold you back .
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laailaa
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#3
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Honestly, you're the one going to university and you're the one that's going to end up with a degree. If that annoys him, sit him down and let him know that if he's not going with you to uni its because you're the one that's going to be working your ass off for the degree. If he's being pissy about you making new friends, then he's either worrying for no reason or being toxic. You choose. If he really loves you then he'll push you towards your dreams rather than holding you back just because he's not going with you.
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TSR Mustafa
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#4
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Another one bites the dust
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Ghostlady
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#5
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put yourself first. He sounds very needy with remarks like that.
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Theloniouss
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#6
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I suspect he's right, it seems unlikely your relationship will survive 3 years of rarely seeing one another. However, he is being an ass about it - you should put yourself first and if he's getting in the way of that, break up with him.
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123GRace321
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#7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
When I first started looking to go to university I was hoping that he would be able to come with me.
I soon realised that unis wouldn't accommodate for him since he isn't a student himself so unless we lived in a flat off campus (which I felt would ruin a lot of the uni experience, and I would miss out on making friends with room mates as that's something I'm really keen/anxious about) then I'd be going by myself.
Since he realised he might not come, I can't talk to anything uni related with him without him guilt tripping me (even though sometimes he claims he's "just kidding")
I had a really good time looking at the virtual Manchester Met open day today and when I was telling him about how nice the accommodation looked he just said "oh well guess you'll be going without me then, I'll just stay down in Devon so you can forget about me", when I said that's not funny and he shouldn't think like that he just goes "Well it's true you'll just make a bunch of new friends and forget about me and we probably won't work out because we'll never see each other", even though I explained that trains are a thing?? and it'll only work out if we don't try, but he just makes every conversation about uni into a negative one when I should be able to express how excited I am to move on with my life.
Am I really being that selfish for putting myself first and wanting to make new friends and have a proper uni experience?
You aren't being selfish at all. If he can't communicate with you properly then I would dump him because he shouldn't be making you feel bad for wanting to live your life.
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StriderHort
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Meh, I can see it from both sides

He should be happy for you as a person to be developing and a lot of relationships simply don't survive the start of uni (or other big life things)... but if until recently he thought he was going with you and now he's not...that's a pretty big change and I can see why he's getting insecure and feeling as if being left behind is inevitable, even if it's in a kinda snide way.

Clear talk about what you want out of the relationship and whether it still would work for you is my best suggestion.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Meh, I can see it from both sides

He should be happy for you as a person to be developing and a lot of relationships simply don't survive the start of uni (or other big life things)... but if until recently he thought he was going with you and now he's not...that's a pretty big change and I can see why he's getting insecure and feeling as if being left behind is inevitable, even if it's in a kinda snide way.

Clear talk about what you want out of the relationship and whether it still would work for you is my best suggestion.
In the beginning he was refusing to come with me, he didn't want to move away from his family but has always had the same attitude "oh we'll probably break up cuz long distance relationships don't work" etc.
I did have to convince him overtime to come, but he only warmed up to the idea of coming if he was going to be given accomodation. When I said that wasn't possible because he's not a student and I'd rather live on campus for the convenience of my health issues and education, he's been funny about it ever since. He doesn't have a job, if he moved up with me he'd sit in a flat by himself all day and wait for me to come home and I don't want to have to worry about what he's doing with himself whilst I'm trying to study so in a way it'd be convenient for him to stay here where he has his mates, but this doesn't mean that I'm just gonna forget about him. I just feel like he's never really been willing to try unless he gets handed things on a plate
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
In the beginning he was refusing to come with me, he didn't want to move away from his family but has always had the same attitude "oh we'll probably break up cuz long distance relationships don't work" etc.
I did have to convince him overtime to come, but he only warmed up to the idea of coming if he was going to be given accomodation. When I said that wasn't possible because he's not a student and I'd rather live on campus for the convenience of my health issues and education, he's been funny about it ever since. He doesn't have a job, if he moved up with me he'd sit in a flat by himself all day and wait for me to come home and I don't want to have to worry about what he's doing with himself whilst I'm trying to study so in a way it'd be convenient for him to stay here where he has his mates, but this doesn't mean that I'm just gonna forget about him. I just feel like he's never really been willing to try unless he gets handed things on a plate
oh and another reason why he didn't wanna come was because I'm wanting to do a placement year possibly abroad, and he didn't want to relocate or stuck jn Manchester by himself whilst I'm away
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Summerneive
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#11
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Time to say bye bye.
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Angela1001
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#12
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(Original post by Anonymous)
In the beginning he was refusing to come with me, he didn't want to move away from his family but has always had the same attitude "oh we'll probably break up cuz long distance relationships don't work" etc.
I did have to convince him overtime to come, but he only warmed up to the idea of coming if he was going to be given accomodation. When I said that wasn't possible because he's not a student and I'd rather live on campus for the convenience of my health issues and education, he's been funny about it ever since. He doesn't have a job, if he moved up with me he'd sit in a flat by himself all day and wait for me to come home and I don't want to have to worry about what he's doing with himself whilst I'm trying to study so in a way it'd be convenient for him to stay here where he has his mates, but this doesn't mean that I'm just gonna forget about him. I just feel like he's never really been willing to try unless he gets handed things on a plate
He could get a job in Manchester! Drop him now as he's not going anywhere with his life!
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Bio 7
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#13
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Long distance never works out from all the stories I’ve read, people just don’t like them. He knows that and is being realistic, just end the relationship.
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leopard202
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#14
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Gotta say he’s probably right

Sounds like uni is what you need to do and deserve to, and he deserves to not feel like he’s been ‘left behind’ and waiting around for you to come see him

See this as a kind of crossroads
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Oxford Mum
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#15
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(Original post by Anonymous)
In the beginning he was refusing to come with me, he didn't want to move away from his family but has always had the same attitude "oh we'll probably break up cuz long distance relationships don't work" etc.
I did have to convince him overtime to come, but he only warmed up to the idea of coming if he was going to be given accomodation. When I said that wasn't possible because he's not a student and I'd rather live on campus for the convenience of my health issues and education, he's been funny about it ever since. He doesn't have a job, if he moved up with me he'd sit in a flat by himself all day and wait for me to come home and I don't want to have to worry about what he's doing with himself whilst I'm trying to study so in a way it'd be convenient for him to stay here where he has his mates, but this doesn't mean that I'm just gonna forget about him. I just feel like he's never really been willing to try unless he gets handed things on a plate
He sounds a real prince charming, not.
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StriderHort
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#16
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(Original post by Anonymous)
In the beginning he was refusing to come with me, he didn't want to move away from his family but has always had the same attitude "oh we'll probably break up cuz long distance relationships don't work" etc.
I did have to convince him overtime to come, but he only warmed up to the idea of coming if he was going to be given accomodation. When I said that wasn't possible because he's not a student and I'd rather live on campus for the convenience of my health issues and education, he's been funny about it ever since. He doesn't have a job, if he moved up with me he'd sit in a flat by himself all day and wait for me to come home and I don't want to have to worry about what he's doing with himself whilst I'm trying to study so in a way it'd be convenient for him to stay here where he has his mates, but this doesn't mean that I'm just gonna forget about him. I just feel like he's never really been willing to try unless he gets handed things on a plate
(Original post by Anonymous)
oh and another reason why he didn't wanna come was because I'm wanting to do a placement year possibly abroad, and he didn't want to relocate or stuck jn Manchester by himself whilst I'm away
Well, as said, a lot of relationships simply don't survive these changes intact. From what you describe he's already decided how this is going to end.

TBH I don't go for long distance either, esp not if they were off to develop at uni/abroad, Unless I/We were 100% committed for life I'd do my best to wish them well and let them go. (Had to be done when my on/off GF moved to work in England and I went to Uni in Edinburgh)
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
When I first started looking to go to university I was hoping that he would be able to come with me.
I soon realised that unis wouldn't accommodate for him since he isn't a student himself so unless we lived in a flat off campus (which I felt would ruin a lot of the uni experience, and I would miss out on making friends with room mates as that's something I'm really keen/anxious about) then I'd be going by myself.
Since he realised he might not come, I can't talk to anything uni related with him without him guilt tripping me (even though sometimes he claims he's "just kidding")
I had a really good time looking at the virtual Manchester Met open day today and when I was telling him about how nice the accommodation looked he just said "oh well guess you'll be going without me then, I'll just stay down in Devon so you can forget about me", when I said that's not funny and he shouldn't think like that he just goes "Well it's true you'll just make a bunch of new friends and forget about me and we probably won't work out because we'll never see each other", even though I explained that trains are a thing?? and it'll only work out if we don't try, but he just makes every conversation about uni into a negative one when I should be able to express how excited I am to move on with my life.
Am I really being that selfish for putting myself first and wanting to make new friends and have a proper uni experience?
When I went to uni I had a boyfriend who had never gone to uni, and didn't want to go. He wouldn't engage with any of my friends, hated my intellect and called me "smarty pants".

He had to go.
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leopard202
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
When I went to uni I had a boyfriend who had never gone to uni, and didn't want to go. He wouldn't engage with any of my friends, hated my intellect and called me "smarty pants".

He had to go.
Yes this is another point, not saying this guy is like that but some would be insecure about you going off to get a degree when they haven’t done that.
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by leopard202)
Yes this is another point, not saying this guy is like that but some would be insecure about you going off to get a degree when they haven’t done that.
And even worse, he despised me personally for my intellect. That's two boyfriends I had to finish with because of that. If they can't accept you how you are, then it's hit the road, Jack
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Malibuqueen
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#20
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I get that this might be a genuine concern/worry for him but he just sounds childish as **** with his victim mentality instead of having a proper discussion
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