Getting over a relationship that failed due to my mental healthWatch
I was working in my hometown when I met M. We met on Tinder, and she introduced herself as the girl who didn’t do relationships. Not the person who sleeps around, just the person who couldn’t see herself being happy in a relationship because she'd been hurt so many times. She had depression and confessed to me one night she thought she was just meant to be “that girl guys **** before finding the one”.
I thought that she was the most beautiful person in the entire world. It broke my heart that she thought she would never be with anybody. But we continued to meet on a casual basis for a while, and we grew closer, all the time her insisting she doesn’t do relationships. I secretly told myself I'd make sure I didn't hurt her like the guys before had.
We had been meeting for about 2 months when I got a job offer on the other side of the country. It was for my dream job, working as a chef and training under a very well known head chef. A once in a lifetime opportunity. I spoke to her about it, and she even said I should go for it.
It was more than just a job, it paid really well, I’d have my own flat, and could afford a nice car and have enough money to live comfortably for the first time in my adult life.
Anyway, as you could expect she began to distance herself, and we grew apart for a little while. It was only once I’d actually moved away and was about a month into my new job she messaged me again. It was like talking to an old friend, we picked up where we had left off and it was like being back in secondary school talking to your crush for hours at a time.
Although I wasn't expecting it, we met quite a few times after I moved away, and always did cute date stuff, meals, walks, or I’d drive us to the nicest parts of the countryside and we’d just watch the sunset and cuddle.
Anyway, we’d known each other about 5 months at this point and she opens up that she likes me too and it gets emotional and we both cry and had the first “I love you too” moment and everything was great. We managed to see each other a few times a month and called and messaged every day. We even had virtual film nights and things where great.
Then lockdown happened, and lockdown resulted in my losing my job. Which turned into me losing my flat, and having to sell my car. I went from having my own flat to living in my parents spare bedroom in the space of a week. My depression spiralled out of control, I stopped talking care of myself and didn’t even have the energy to open my curtains when I woke up. I didn’t want to be alive any more.
I lost focus on the relationship and suddenly me and M where arguing a lot. I didn’t have the money to see her and she couldn’t visit me because my brother is high risk if he catches covid. So things just crumbled to **** really. It turned toxic and I drank to drown out my problems.
Sadly it’s all a bit of a depressive blur towards the end but I know that things went terribly wrong and it was mostly down to me.
Anyway, despite this happening, I can’t stand the thought of someone else kissing her, holding her in their arms, making her smile. I know it’s too late for me to do anything about it now. But I still have really strong feelings.
She still checks in on me a few times a month because she knows about my problems and I ask her how she’s doing, but she isn’t willing to give things another go.
Maybe I’m just being stupid, or maybe I’m still in love, or in lust? I just know that I want her back. I want her. Nobody else. Just her. I hate that I let her go and I hate myself for not trying harder to manage my depression during that time.
I guess deep down I know I can’t change what’s happened, as much as I wish I could. I’m just looking for advice on getting over what’s happened, or tips on learning to accept it.