I want to move out, how do I convince my parents?

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Anonymous #1
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Exactly what the title says. I just want to move out for my first year. Just for some independence, responsibility, a little freedom. I’ve asked my mum and she said it’s my dad’s decision. I think he is a little bit harder to convince. They’re always fixed on the idea that students can be idiots and hard to live with. I’ve tried to say not everyone is like that and we shouldn’t focus on the negatives.
Bear in mind, I am from a Muslim family and we are Pakistanis. Maybe that plays a part in it too.
I feel as though my dad will say no due to the other ppl, like boys etc, but like I’m literally almost 20, idk how to put into words correctly in order to try to convince them.

Any advice will help. Thank you.
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Anonymous #2
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I'm muslim and south asian too. I think its to do with culture, my parents think im betraying them by moving out or something. It took alot to convince them, all i did was keep asking them until they got annoyed about it lol.
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Smokestar
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Just be forceful about it. I recommend talking with who ever seems more likely to listen by going over all of the problems they may have. If they are that worried about boys then tell them your intentions. I mean most people get married ether from bf-gf or arranged. Your parents are probably worried that you might commit zina etc. Talking to them about it is the best way tbh.
Im muslim and south asian and im moving out so ik.
Your parents cant stop you from moving out. Try bringing it an family member if necessary.
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londonmyst
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If your parents are both very traditionalist in terms of family culture & religion and no unmarried girl has ever been allowed to live alone or move away for uni, they will never agree to give you their permission.
If you have one or two female cousins also going to the same uni who are willing to live in shared student accomodation with you, you parents might consider it.

I am not asian but my parents had a long list of rules and wouldn't allow me to move out for uni.
To the point that I was never allowed out alone even at 18 and my mother swiped my lifesavings so that I would never be able to afford to rent.
I did leave, will never go back and am unlikely to ever speak to any of my surviving ancestors again.
My best friend was born in India, her parents bought her & all her older brothers properties plus paid their student bills & gave generous monthly allowances when they moved out for uni.
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tecna
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Exactly what the title says. I just want to move out for my first year. Just for some independence, responsibility, a little freedom. I’ve asked my mum and she said it’s my dad’s decision. I think he is a little bit harder to convince. They’re always fixed on the idea that students can be idiots and hard to live with. I’ve tried to say not everyone is like that and we shouldn’t focus on the negatives.
Bear in mind, I am from a Muslim family and we are Pakistanis. Maybe that plays a part in it too.
I feel as though my dad will say no due to the other ppl, like boys etc, but like I’m literally almost 20, idk how to put into words correctly in order to try to convince them.

Any advice will help. Thank you.
I feel u I tried a lot but had no luck ...may be it works out for u idk...u see if they were just muslims then convincing them would have been possible but nahh man they pakistani now thats mission impossible
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hallamstudents
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Hi,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I am a pakistani too. My family also wanted me to stay at home for university and even be able to commute to my placement. However I said this may not be possible as the placements are scattered around the country and there is no guarantee that I will get a placement site that is close. So at the end I told them I had to move out for my education. Maybe you can try stress the need of moving out for your education purposes. Also showing your parents that you can be trusted and are responsible can help.

If you have any more questions or any advice, let me know.

Safaa
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Smokestar
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(Original post by londonmyst)
If your parents are both very traditionalist in terms of family culture & religion and no unmarried girl has ever been allowed to live alone or move away for uni, they will never agree to give you their permission.
If you have one or two female cousins also going to the same uni who are willing to live in shared student accomodation with you, you parents might consider it.

I am not asian but my parents had a long list of rules and wouldn't allow me to move out for uni.
To the point that I was never allowed out alone even at 18 and my mother swiped my lifesavings so that I would never be able to afford to rent.
I did leave, will never go back and am unlikely to ever speak to any of my surviving ancestors again.
My best friend was born in India, her parents bought her & all her older brothers properties plus paid their student bills & gave generous monthly allowances when they moved out for uni.
I agree. The OP might just have to move out forcefully. If you're approaching 20 and your parents are dictating your life you need a change.
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kiqbal000
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm muslim and south asian too. I think its to do with culture, my parents think im betraying them by moving out or something. It took alot to convince them, all i did was keep asking them until they got annoyed about it lol.
Hi thanks for your response x I thought I’d turn off anonymous haha I guess I probably will have to, I definitely think it may be culture and something to do with the fact that I’ll be the first girl in the family to do so, it will take some good convincing!
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kiqbal000
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(Original post by Smokestar)
Just be forceful about it. I recommend talking with who ever seems more likely to listen by going over all of the problems they may have. If they are that worried about boys then tell them your intentions. I mean most people get married ether from bf-gf or arranged. Your parents are probably worried that you might commit zina etc. Talking to them about it is the best way tbh.
Im muslim and south asian and im moving out so ik.
Your parents cant stop you from moving out. Try bringing it an family member if necessary.
Yeah I have tried to tell my mum about my friend who has moved out and she recommended it to me as there’s so many pros to it. After all, it is my life and I should be able to choose, but obviously being Pakistani comes with its cons. I totally agree with you tho, that’s exactly what they’re probably worried about. Thank you for your response!!
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kiqbal000
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(Original post by londonmyst)
If your parents are both very traditionalist in terms of family culture & religion and no unmarried girl has ever been allowed to live alone or move away for uni, they will never agree to give you their permission.
If you have one or two female cousins also going to the same uni who are willing to live in shared student accomodation with you, you parents might consider it.

I am not asian but my parents had a long list of rules and wouldn't allow me to move out for uni.
To the point that I was never allowed out alone even at 18 and my mother swiped my lifesavings so that I would never be able to afford to rent.
I did leave, will never go back and am unlikely to ever speak to any of my surviving ancestors again.
My best friend was born in India, her parents bought her & all her older brothers properties plus paid their student bills & gave generous monthly allowances when they moved out for uni.
Tbh I wouldn’t say they’re completely traditional. When I asked them first in august (before I got an offer at uni) that I might have to move out, they said okay but were still iffy about it. But now that the uni I have an offer with isn’t too far away, I think that’s another reason for them to say no. My mum actually said today she didn’t think I wanted to try to be independent, so I tried to stress to her that I do want to be independent, so hopefully that came across to her.
So sorry to hear about what happened to you though. I assume you’re doing really well now, and I really do hope you are.
Thank you for your response!!
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by kiqbal000)
Tbh I wouldn’t say they’re completely traditional. When I asked them first in august (before I got an offer at uni) that I might have to move out, they said okay but were still iffy about it. But now that the uni I have an offer with isn’t too far away, I think that’s another reason for them to say no. My mum actually said today she didn’t think I wanted to try to be independent, so I tried to stress to her that I do want to be independent, so hopefully that came across to her.
So sorry to hear about what happened to you though. I assume you’re doing really well now, and I really do hope you are.
Thank you for your response!!
Do whatever you want chap
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kiqbal000
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(Original post by tecna)
I feel u I tried a lot but had no luck ...may be it works out for u idk...u see if they were just muslims then convincing them would have been possible but nahh man they pakistani now thats mission impossible
Haha you completely understand. Pakistani parents can be hard to handle😂 I’m just kinda lucky they’re not super traditional, my mum comes from here so maybe that’s why she wasn’t completely against it. But my dad is from Pakistan, which is why I think he may be a bit more cultural. Sorry to hear it didn’t go well for you tho
Thanks for your response!!
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kiqbal000
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(Original post by hallamstudents)
Hi,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I am a pakistani too. My family also wanted me to stay at home for university and even be able to commute to my placement. However I said this may not be possible as the placements are scattered around the country and there is no guarantee that I will get a placement site that is close. So at the end I told them I had to move out for my education. Maybe you can try stress the need of moving out for your education purposes. Also showing your parents that you can be trusted and are responsible can help.

If you have any more questions or any advice, let me know.

Safaa
I definitely will, thank you. I have also tried to express that I find it harder to make friends anyway, and doing everything online for uni will just make me depressed. I need a little bit of a social life.
I really hope they can understand this

Thank you for your response Safaa!!
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kiqbal000
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(Original post by Smokestar)
I agree. The OP might just have to move out forcefully. If you're approaching 20 and your parents are dictating your life you need a change.
I completely agree omg, it can just be so hard to put that across to them though
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Anonymous #4
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(Original post by tecna)
I feel u I tried a lot but had no luck ...may be it works out for u idk...u see if they were just muslims then convincing them would have been possible but nahh man they pakistani now thats mission impossible
Yes and No. Theologically, it can be considered impermissible for a woman to live herself. But this can be debated. However, the mainstream voice for Islam, which is conservative, gives a much stronger side to what the woman opposes [not being able to live independent of her parent]. Thus, in this case, the religion supports and enforces the parents' cultural views - hence the difficulty for the woman to persuade her case to the parents. A moral and cultural dilemma intertwined, for the parents to consider. Besides every human is a product of the culture they come from.

My advice to thread starter:

Clearly as explained above, it's a difficult matter to persuade, however, you must be willing to use the best persuasion, influencing tactics on your parents if you are to move their position on this matter, even if it's slight. While there are no guaranteed results, you will at least shift their positions by the slightest at least, and gain very good persuasive techniques for future endeavours.

- Don't argue :

If your parents allow discussion, this is a fundamental stating point, and conceal anger/frustration on your side of the discussion. Remember there are some whose parents do not allow their adult children to even to ask Questions. Recognise this as a utility.

- Remind yourself that they are human; some of their points will not be entirely rational and based on sentiment - i.e the fear of letting you live by yourself despite it being safe to do so.

If you try to contradict this by ridiculing their unwarranted fear, you aren't pulling them to your view.

They will be just confirming what they already think - you don't understand the outside world or something along the lines of they have a greater knowledge of such worldly affairs.

Try:

- Going through their argument with them, and deconstructing it logically, in a way that doesn't make your intention apparent.

This way, you're not only showing them that their argument breaks down, but you're doing multiple other things to your relationship with your parents: increasing communication, showing you know more than they assume, as well as showcasing the logic, level-headedness you possess.

This will instil some level of self-doubt in them. Regarding the positive emotions introduced in your dynamic with your parents directly as a result of this interaction with them, withdraw them, if your they are insistent on their position in the discussion, withdraw them. This will associate a negative emotion attached to their decision to stop you from moving out.

- Familiarity with the problem. If you know other similar people who have succeeded in living independently, mention, as well as constantly ensuing discussions with them. This will dig at their irrational fears.

- You also implied your mother is more influenceable. Use her to get through your father. Her opinion will more influenceable to your father than yours (hopefully). But have this be the last resort, as her credibility to your father is how much she agrees with him. If she sides with you at the beginning, it's weakening her position of influence. If she employs the same kind of mode of persuasion (as explained above) as you have to your parents, it will be effective to get through to your father and constructive to their relationship.


logos ethos pathos (: Hope this helps.
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RogerOxon
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Exactly what the title says. I just want to move out for my first year. Just for some independence, responsibility, a little freedom. I’ve asked my mum and she said it’s my dad’s decision.
(Original post by Anonymous)
I feel as though my dad will say no due to the other ppl, like boys etc, but like I’m literally almost 20, idk how to put into words correctly in order to try to convince them.
You are an adult. If you are able to fund it, it's your decision alone.

The words to use are "bye, see you later".

(Original post by Anonymous)
Bear in mind, I am from a Muslim family and we are Pakistanis.
That doesn't change the fact that it's your choice. The only complication is what it may do to your relationship with your parents, including financial.
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kiqbal000
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes and No. Theologically, it can be considered impermissible for a woman to live herself. But this can be debated. However, the mainstream voice for Islam, which is conservative, gives a much stronger side to what the woman opposes [not being able to live independent of her parent]. Thus, in this case, the religion supports and enforces the parents' cultural views - hence the difficulty for the woman to persuade her case to the parents. A moral and cultural dilemma intertwined, for the parents to consider. Besides every human is a product of the culture they come from.

My advice to thread starter:

Clearly as explained above, it's a difficult matter to persuade, however, you must be willing to use the best persuasion, influencing tactics on your parents if you are to move their position on this matter, even if it's slight. While there are no guaranteed results, you will at least shift their positions by the slightest at least, and gain very good persuasive techniques for future endeavours.

- Don't argue :

If your parents allow discussion, this is a fundamental stating point, and conceal anger/frustration on your side of the discussion. Remember there are some whose parents do not allow their adult children to even to ask Questions. Recognise this as a utility.

- Remind yourself that they are human; some of their points will not be entirely rational and based on sentiment - i.e the fear of letting you live by yourself despite it being safe to do so.

If you try to contradict this by ridiculing their unwarranted fear, you aren't pulling them to your view.

They will be just confirming what they already think - you don't understand the outside world or something along the lines of they have a greater knowledge of such worldly affairs.

Try:

- Going through their argument with them, and deconstructing it logically, in a way that doesn't make your intention apparent.

This way, you're not only showing them that their argument breaks down, but you're doing multiple other things to your relationship with your parents: increasing communication, showing you know more than they assume, as well as showcasing the logic, level-headedness you possess.

This will instil some level of self-doubt in them. Regarding the positive emotions introduced in your dynamic with your parents directly as a result of this interaction with them, withdraw them, if your they are insistent on their position in the discussion, withdraw them. This will associate a negative emotion attached to their decision to stop you from moving out.

- Familiarity with the problem. If you know other similar people who have succeeded in living independently, mention, as well as constantly ensuing discussions with them. This will dig at their irrational fears.

- You also implied your mother is more influenceable. Use her to get through your father. Her opinion will more influenceable to your father than yours (hopefully). But have this be the last resort, as her credibility to your father is how much she agrees with him. If she sides with you at the beginning, it's weakening her position of influence. If she employs the same kind of mode of persuasion (as explained above) as you have to your parents, it will be effective to get through to your father and constructive to their relationship.


logos ethos pathos (: Hope this helps.
Thanks so much for your response!!
I totally agree with your first paragraph, culture and religion put together can make it difficult for me. My parents aren’t completely religious and traditional in those ways which is why I believe I may be able to convince them in some sort of way.

I have set out a number of pros and cons to discuss with them, my pros list is definitely longer. I wanted to make sure I get across every point to them so they can understand why I’d like to move out, and so they can sort of see that I’m not just moving out for the bants. But I have always and will always respect their decision. If they do say no, I will ask why. If they give me a reasonable reason, I’ll stop asking; simple as.
But yes, they do only have one set idea of what the outside world is like and atm they don’t seem open-minded.
I have a friend who I’m using as an example as my mum is very familiar with her.

My main sort of worry I guess is my dad straight up just saying no, without hearing my view on it. My mum doesn’t do that, but my dad tends to. Usually if something like this happens, I tend to just get upset and stop talking, it puts me off, it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about what I want.
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AttractiveNectar
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Exactly what the title says. I just want to move out for my first year. Just for some independence, responsibility, a little freedom. I’ve asked my mum and she said it’s my dad’s decision. I think he is a little bit harder to convince. They’re always fixed on the idea that students can be idiots and hard to live with. I’ve tried to say not everyone is like that and we shouldn’t focus on the negatives.
Bear in mind, I am from a Muslim family and we are Pakistanis. Maybe that plays a part in it too.
I feel as though my dad will say no due to the other ppl, like boys etc, but like I’m literally almost 20, idk how to put into words correctly in order to try to convince them.

Any advice will help. Thank you.
I mean, you've literally answered the answer in your question, you're 19 - going on 20. You don't really need to convince them. If you feel it's time, and you can support yourself, then move out. It's not really anything that need "convincing".
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hallamstudents
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(Original post by kiqbal000)
I definitely will, thank you. I have also tried to express that I find it harder to make friends anyway, and doing everything online for uni will just make me depressed. I need a little bit of a social life.
I really hope they can understand this

Thank you for your response Safaa!!
Hi kiqbal000

Definitely moving out is a totally different experience all together. Just carry on getting at it, it will be really worth it at the end.

Safaa
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jonathanemptage
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Exactly what the title says. I just want to move out for my first year. Just for some independence, responsibility, a little freedom. I’ve asked my mum and she said it’s my dad’s decision. I think he is a little bit harder to convince. They’re always fixed on the idea that students can be idiots and hard to live with. I’ve tried to say not everyone is like that and we shouldn’t focus on the negatives.
Bear in mind, I am from a Muslim family and we are Pakistanis. Maybe that plays a part in it too.
I feel as though my dad will say no due to the other ppl, like boys etc, but like I’m literally almost 20, idk how to put into words correctly in order to try to convince them.

Any advice will help. Thank you.
Well if they are worried about boys being in your halls tell him you can request a floor all with a single sex (all girls I'm guessing in your situation). If they worry about you not following their religion (that is completely your choice) but tell them about the ISOC (Islamic Society) at your university of choice (every uni has one) you don't have to join it but that also may set their mind at ease. If that doesn't work you might need to take more drastic measures but maybe best t ask hime first he might say yes armed with that information if he needs convincing if he still says no you might need to take more drastic measures but not quite yet.
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