Flatmates ditching me and ignoring me

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Cake360
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Hi, I really need some help and advice on this so I would appreciate as many replies as possible please. I just started university this term and moved into my uni halls 5 weeks ago with my new flatmates of us 4 girls. Me and the girls were new to each other before we came so we had a group chat where we talked to each other before moving into uni. As we were new to each other there is no past friendship history of the 3 flatmates that have been ditching and ignoring me. Before we all came to uni the girls were excited to meet me and were very welcoming and started suggesting things to do together. But then one week after coming to uni, they just forgot about the things they suggested we do together so i reminded them and they would just make excuses and never get around to it. I was very sociable in the group chat before we had when we were getting to know each-other before coming to uni and since I moved into halls, I have made every effort and went to great lengths to make an exceptional impression of myself, I was being outgoing and always initiated conversations they could relate to, I was being a good flatmate and a good friend. Basically doing everything to earn their friendship. I also treated them to free cinema tickets on my birthday, let them eat some stuff I made whenever they asked if they can eat it I never said no to them whenever they asked if they can eat food of mine they liked even offering it myself, I offered to help them with things, the list goes on of things I do for them to get them to like me. Despite me doing all this I just mentioned, they would make plans behind my back with just the three of them without me wouldn't invite me, they would do things together without me, constantly ignore me pretending i am not there, not include me in conversations and would form a friendship group with them 3 and other people to make me feel left out. I constantly hear them gossiping and laughing together when i am alone in my room and they would hang out in each others rooms and not ask me if I want to join. I have been making effort to organise things to do together even paying for all of it myself giving them free food and they don't even care, not even a thank you. I never asked for anything in return but as repayment they would ditch me and ignore me. We decided to buy a second hand Wii together for playing on it together each of us paying 20 pound i paid mine. But now they hardly play on it and the other day played without me without asking me if i want to play so wasting my money. They just come to me if they need something or want to use my stuff. Developing a friendship with my flatmates was really important to me. Now because of them ditching me and ignoring me I have no friends at uni. We have online classes for the first term so its like impossible making friends from my course. All this ditching and feeling left out by being ignored after spending money/time/effort on them is making me feel depressed everyday. Because of this i can't sleep at night as i stay up thinking about this. And it is also disturbing my productivity because of feeling depressed. One time I accidentally ate one my my flatmates chocolate. So I immediately bought her a whole new packet of the same ones without her asking me to. I even offered to make cookies for her and bought her an apology card promising it won't happen again with the chocs. I also offered her my snacks to make up for it. Despite this my flatmates are ignoring me and not speaking to me. If I treat them the same way they have been treating me even the slightest they would get mad. I just feel so angry, frustrated and upset. I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sorry for the long rant and post.
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Nitika2605
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Hey
I am also at new hall.
We can hang out if you want, I also don't really know much people in here.
If it's fine with you, we can chat.
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Cake360
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(Original post by Nitika2605)
Hey
I am also at new hall.
We can hang out if you want, I also don't really know much people in here.
If it's fine with you, we can chat.
Yes sure.
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Cake360
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yes sure.
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Nitika2605
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Where are you staying??
I am at FS
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Cake360
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(Original post by Nitika2605)
Where are you staying??
I am at FS
I am studying In Epsom, Surrey at the univeristy of the creative arts. What is FS?
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Nitika2605
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Ohhhhh
I am studying at Nottingham Trent University
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Nitika2605
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I hope you can find true friends.
If you wanna chat we can still do so...
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ANON_45
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Hey, I'm a in a similar situation but the only difference is that I'm not even at my campus and I have to stay home doing online classes. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about it.

U dm talk about it?
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Nitika2605
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(Original post by ANON_45)
Hey, I'm a in a similar situation but the only difference is that I'm not even at my campus and I have to stay home doing online classes. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about it.

U dm talk about it?
I am at University accommodation, I wanna go home but I have classes on Monday so....
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ANON_45
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fair enough, unlucky situation, for me its that none of my classes this semester have been in person, so me and my family decided I should just stay home this semester, but I can't go anywhere and it doesn't seem I'm get any in person classes anytime soon?
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Cake360
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(Original post by Nitika2605)
I hope you can find true friends.
If you wanna chat we can still do so...
yes that would be nice
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Nitika2605
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(Original post by ANON_45)
fair enough, unlucky situation, for me its that none of my classes this semester have been in person, so me and my family decided I should just stay home this semester, but I can't go anywhere and it doesn't seem I'm get any in person classes anytime soon?
It's sad
I am an international student so I arrived at uk in October but then I was isolating.
It seems like people in my course already have made groups, it's really hard to know people cuz of that.
I don't know what shall I do😞
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Cake360)
Hi, I really need some help and advice on this so I would appreciate as many replies as possible please. I just started university this term and moved into my uni halls 5 weeks ago with my new flatmates of us 4 girls. Me and the girls were new to each other before we came so we had a group chat where we talked to each other before moving into uni. As we were new to each other there is no past friendship history of the 3 flatmates that have been ditching and ignoring me. Before we all came to uni the girls were excited to meet me and were very welcoming and started suggesting things to do together. But then one week after coming to uni, they just forgot about the things they suggested we do together so i reminded them and they would just make excuses and never get around to it. I was very sociable in the group chat before we had when we were getting to know each-other before coming to uni and since I moved into halls, I have made every effort and went to great lengths to make an exceptional impression of myself, I was being outgoing and always initiated conversations they could relate to, I was being a good flatmate and a good friend. Basically doing everything to earn their friendship. I also treated them to free cinema tickets on my birthday, let them eat some stuff I made whenever they asked if they can eat it I never said no to them whenever they asked if they can eat food of mine they liked even offering it myself, I offered to help them with things, the list goes on of things I do for them to get them to like me. Despite me doing all this I just mentioned, they would make plans behind my back with just the three of them without me wouldn't invite me, they would do things together without me, constantly ignore me pretending i am not there, not include me in conversations and would form a friendship group with them 3 and other people to make me feel left out. I constantly hear them gossiping and laughing together when i am alone in my room and they would hang out in each others rooms and not ask me if I want to join. I have been making effort to organise things to do together even paying for all of it myself giving them free food and they don't even care, not even a thank you. I never asked for anything in return but as repayment they would ditch me and ignore me. We decided to buy a second hand Wii together for playing on it together each of us paying 20 pound i paid mine. But now they hardly play on it and the other day played without me without asking me if i want to play so wasting my money. They just come to me if they need something or want to use my stuff. Developing a friendship with my flatmates was really important to me. Now because of them ditching me and ignoring me I have no friends at uni. We have online classes for the first term so its like impossible making friends from my course. All this ditching and feeling left out by being ignored after spending money/time/effort on them is making me feel depressed everyday. Because of this i can't sleep at night as i stay up thinking about this. And it is also disturbing my productivity because of feeling depressed. One time I accidentally ate one my my flatmates chocolate. So I immediately bought her a whole new packet of the same ones without her asking me to. I even offered to make cookies for her and bought her an apology card promising it won't happen again with the chocs. I also offered her my snacks to make up for it. Despite this my flatmates are ignoring me and not speaking to me. If I treat them the same way they have been treating me even the slightest they would get mad. I just feel so angry, frustrated and upset. I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sorry for the long rant and post.
This is going to sound bad but do you think you’re maybe trying too hard? It’s so easily done and I’ve definitely been there countless times but looking back I can see how I drove people away. The intensity is off putting for people. You might be coming across as needy and desperate.
But I think an open conversation would help. Ask to speak to them and ask if anything in particular has triggered the change. Admit that you may have come on too strongly because you were so keen to get on with everyone. Let them know how their behaviour is making you feel but don’t put loads of blame on them - it just won’t help. Sounds like they’re quite selfish and self-involved tbh and I’m sorry you’ve been stuck with them.
Having been there myself, I can say that it really does get better and you’ll find people who you naturally gel with better
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ANON_45
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try make an effort to be involved, ask those groups are they doing anything and if you can join. if not ask ur flat mates. if not them, then tey get invited to other flats if possible, I see it as a perspective for what I will probably be doing since by the time I actually get to my campus ill be there with nobody to call a friend yet
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hollyyytr
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I agree with the comment above (*two comments above). To put it bluntly, you've shown them that you are desperate to be their friend, and in their minds this means they can treat you however they like and you'll still try and be their friend. I'd maybe take a look inwards and see what's motivating you to act this way... maybe contact your universities mental health support thing? You should be able to get some free advice/time to talk. I'm really sorry to hear you're dealing with this, university and living with others can be so so so difficult. Do you have friends/family from outside of university to talk to during this time? I'd also recommend getting involved with societies if you can, and online communities. Remember that your worth is what you define, not what other people define, and their actions are not a reflection of who you are or what you are worth. <3
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Cake360
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This is going to sound bad but do you think you’re maybe trying too hard? It’s so easily done and I’ve definitely been there countless times but looking back I can see how I drove people away. The intensity is off putting for people. You might be coming across as needy and desperate.
But I think an open conversation would help. Ask to speak to them and ask if anything in particular has triggered the change. Admit that you may have come on too strongly because you were so keen to get on with everyone. Let them know how their behaviour is making you feel but don’t put loads of blame on them - it just won’t help. Sounds like they’re quite selfish and self-involved tbh and I’m sorry you’ve been stuck with them.
Having been there myself, I can say that it really does get better and you’ll find people who you naturally gel with better
I agree about the trying too hard thing. It was mainly becuase in the past friendships I had at school my parents always blamed me when my friends ditched me at school. They said the reason my friends Ditch me at school is becuase I don't try hard enough which led me into trying too hard, they also said it's becuase I'm not talkative and outgoing and that I am not good at making friends. All this made me think I'm not good enough and it caused me to try too hard to make friends. But I see how trying too hard can backfire. I was thinking about talking to them about how what they are doing is making me feel, but I am too scared to do it as I'm worried about what they'll think or say and don't want it to be awkward. I will try toning it down so I'm not needy or desperate. Thank you for the advice
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Cake360
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(Original post by hollyyytr)
I agree with the comment above (*two comments above). To put it bluntly, you've shown them that you are desperate to be their friend, and in their minds this means they can treat you however they like and you'll still try and be their friend. I'd maybe take a look inwards and see what's motivating you to act this way... maybe contact your universities mental health support thing? You should be able to get some free advice/time to talk. I'm really sorry to hear you're dealing with this, university and living with others can be so so so difficult. Do you have friends/family from outside of university to talk to during this time? I'd also recommend getting involved with societies if you can, and online communities. Remember that your worth is what you define, not what other people define, and their actions are not a reflection of who you are or what you are worth. <3
I have figured out what's making me act this way. It was mainly becuase in the past friendships I had at school my parents always blamed me when my friends ditched me at school. They said the reason my friends Ditch me at school is becuase I don't try hard enough which led me into trying too hard, they also said it's becuase I'm not talkative and outgoing and that I am not good at making friends. All this made me think I'm not good enough and it caused me to try too hard to make friends. But I see how trying too hard can backfire. Becuase of what my parents were telling me and my school best friends ditching me at school, I had low self esteem.
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FoundryCourtyard
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(Original post by Cake360)
Hi, I really need some help and advice on this so I would appreciate as many replies as possible please. I just started university this term and moved into my uni halls 5 weeks ago with my new flatmates of us 4 girls. Me and the girls were new to each other before we came so we had a group chat where we talked to each other before moving into uni. As we were new to each other there is no past friendship history of the 3 flatmates that have been ditching and ignoring me. Before we all came to uni the girls were excited to meet me and were very welcoming and started suggesting things to do together. But then one week after coming to uni, they just forgot about the things they suggested we do together so i reminded them and they would just make excuses and never get around to it. I was very sociable in the group chat before we had when we were getting to know each-other before coming to uni and since I moved into halls, I have made every effort and went to great lengths to make an exceptional impression of myself, I was being outgoing and always initiated conversations they could relate to, I was being a good flatmate and a good friend. Basically doing everything to earn their friendship. I also treated them to free cinema tickets on my birthday, let them eat some stuff I made whenever they asked if they can eat it I never said no to them whenever they asked if they can eat food of mine they liked even offering it myself, I offered to help them with things, the list goes on of things I do for them to get them to like me. Despite me doing all this I just mentioned, they would make plans behind my back with just the three of them without me wouldn't invite me, they would do things together without me, constantly ignore me pretending i am not there, not include me in conversations and would form a friendship group with them 3 and other people to make me feel left out. I constantly hear them gossiping and laughing together when i am alone in my room and they would hang out in each others rooms and not ask me if I want to join. I have been making effort to organise things to do together even paying for all of it myself giving them free food and they don't even care, not even a thank you. I never asked for anything in return but as repayment they would ditch me and ignore me. We decided to buy a second hand Wii together for playing on it together each of us paying 20 pound i paid mine. But now they hardly play on it and the other day played without me without asking me if i want to play so wasting my money. They just come to me if they need something or want to use my stuff. Developing a friendship with my flatmates was really important to me. Now because of them ditching me and ignoring me I have no friends at uni. We have online classes for the first term so its like impossible making friends from my course. All this ditching and feeling left out by being ignored after spending money/time/effort on them is making me feel depressed everyday. Because of this i can't sleep at night as i stay up thinking about this. And it is also disturbing my productivity because of feeling depressed. One time I accidentally ate one my my flatmates chocolate. So I immediately bought her a whole new packet of the same ones without her asking me to. I even offered to make cookies for her and bought her an apology card promising it won't happen again with the chocs. I also offered her my snacks to make up for it. Despite this my flatmates are ignoring me and not speaking to me. If I treat them the same way they have been treating me even the slightest they would get mad. I just feel so angry, frustrated and upset. I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sorry for the long rant and post.
It can be so hard to make friends at Uni and especially in halls as it's an awful lot of time to spend with a new person right away.

You sound as if you may have put a lot of pressure on yourself and your new flat mates to become friends. The best thing you can do is take a step back, stop offering to pay for things (friends are equals after all) and most importantly let them know how you are feeling.

Talk to them about how you are feeling a bit left out and disappointed that you haven't connected the way you had imagined. It's important that this is not argumentative and you aren't pointing fingers. If these girls are good friend material they will hear you out and you can move forward together to try and make the friendship work.

If not, they just are not good friends for you and that's okay. Not everyone can always get on all of the time.

If you are in private halls like Foundry Courtyard, you would be able to request a room move and provided there is space, you could be allowed to move into a new flat. If not, try requesting to join groupchats on your university facebook page. This is a great - and underrated way to make new friends at uni.

It wont be like this forever, just take the pressure off of yourself and good things will follow.

All the Best

Wallis @ Foundry Courtyard
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Coco the pug
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You have a few options... you can request to move flat e.g be on a different floor with new people if there are any rooms available.Join a uni society club in a interest that you are into and meet like minded people.To be honest it seems they are taking your kindness for weakness, meaning you are the common denominator why these girls are getting along. Their spiteful treatment of you is something that keeps them bound together .... However, if you moved to a different student flat they would eventually turn on each other.. Trust me fake friends always do. But I hope you meet new people as you seem very nice and deserve better.
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