If this were you, would you move?

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Anonymous #1
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I've been at University for 6 weeks now and have not bonded with any of my flatmates at all.

I am a quiet person and they probably think I am shy but when I do try and make conversation with them they give me just one word answers. When I walk into the kitchen and there are a couple of them sat down at the table they just completely blank me, they don't even look and just carry on with what they were talking about. I then feel like they don't want me there so leave after I'm done with what I'm doing. Also, they don't talk like you would think friends would- no talk about films, TV, sport etc. All they talk about are girls. I get that guys do talk about that together but surely not 100% of the time. I have literally never heard them have a conversation about anything other than girls after the first night. As I'm a gay guy, the conversations just aren't made for me to even say anything in because I have nothing to say about dating girls. Most of them are the complete opposite of me.

I have been considering asking to change accommodation since the start but after Sunday night it made me want to do it even more. On Sunday nothing was happening all day until about 11pm when two of them decided they wanted to drink and play music in the kitchen. I was in my room and saw through my peephole that they were knocking on everybody's door asking if they wanted to come to the kitchen and drink. 1 said yes but 2 of the others said no because they had lectures in the morning. Then they got round to my door and just didn't knock and went in the kitchen. I would have joined them but again, they just made me feel that they didn't want me there and didn't want me to join them.

Do I have unrealistic expectations? I was thinking that before I came to Uni, we'd all get on, have tea together, watch TV together and just talk about stuff like we're friends not just relationship advice lol. I even made an effort in trying to watch TV together by going into the kitchen to watch I'm a Celeb- but no one joined .

I don't know if I should move or not. On the one hand, I think that they are just not my type of people (I'd prefer to be in a place with girls and/or guys who aren't as laddy- if you know what I mean) and I'm just not going to get on with them and it will make my 1st year miserable. But on the other hand I think that its only been 6 weeks and I wasn't here for a week and half of that because I had to self isolate at home while on a visit home at the end of October. I am also still quite homesick so I'm thinking that's making me feel worse. Or am I homesick because I'm not getting on with my flatmates so just missing home?

What would you do if you were in my situation? Has anyone else switched accommodation and found it better? Hope to get some advice, thanks for reading
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TheStarboy
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#2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been at University for 6 weeks now and have not bonded with any of my flatmates at all.

I am a quiet person and they probably think I am shy but when I do try and make conversation with them they give me just one word answers. When I walk into the kitchen and there are a couple of them sat down at the table they just completely blank me, they don't even look and just carry on with what they were talking about. I then feel like they don't want me there so leave after I'm done with what I'm doing. Also, they don't talk like you would think friends would- no talk about films, TV, sport etc. All they talk about are girls. I get that guys do talk about that together but surely not 100% of the time. I have literally never heard them have a conversation about anything other than girls after the first night. As I'm a gay guy, the conversations just aren't made for me to even say anything in because I have nothing to say about dating girls. Most of them are the complete opposite of me.

I have been considering asking to change accommodation since the start but after Sunday night it made me want to do it even more. On Sunday nothing was happening all day until about 11pm when two of them decided they wanted to drink and play music in the kitchen. I was in my room and saw through my peephole that they were knocking on everybody's door asking if they wanted to come to the kitchen and drink. 1 said yes but 2 of the others said no because they had lectures in the morning. Then they got round to my door and just didn't knock and went in the kitchen. I would have joined them but again, they just made me feel that they didn't want me there and didn't want me to join them.

Do I have unrealistic expectations? I was thinking that before I came to Uni, we'd all get on, have tea together, watch TV together and just talk about stuff like we're friends not just relationship advice lol. I even made an effort in trying to watch TV together by going into the kitchen to watch I'm a Celeb- but no one joined .

I don't know if I should move or not. On the one hand, I think that they are just not my type of people (I'd prefer to be in a place with girls and/or guys who aren't as laddy- if you know what I mean) and I'm just not going to get on with them and it will make my 1st year miserable. But on the other hand I think that its only been 6 weeks and I wasn't here for a week and half of that because I had to self isolate at home while on a visit home at the end of October. I am also still quite homesick so I'm thinking that's making me feel worse. Or am I homesick because I'm not getting on with my flatmates so just missing home?

What would you do if you were in my situation? Has anyone else switched accommodation and found it better? Hope to get some advice, thanks for reading
A quiet person like you would prefer to be around other quiet people. Surely, you’ll prefer to be in a environment that suits your needs. Moving out could be a option but what about spending time in your room more or simply going out on walks? Your options are quite limited.
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EmeraldIsla
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I would definitely be talking to your housing officer and your welfare officer about this. There are lots of people experiencing difficulties with bonding with their households and there is also some movement between households happening so you are not alone. I would be proactive. Say as a gay man you are feeling ostracised and your mental health is being affected. You may want to tell your tutor too. I am sorry it has been so difficult. It will get better.
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harrysbar
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(Original post by Anonymous)
What would you do if you were in my situation? Has anyone else switched accommodation and found it better? Hope to get some advice, thanks for reading
I think you've been really unlucky with your flatmates as they are unfriendly towards you for no reason. I would talk to your accommodation office about this with a view to moving to a mixed flat - it's a lonely enough experience being a first year at uni at the moment without having mean flatmates too who exclude you from stuff

(my daughter did once have an experience of unfriendly flatmates too and the accommodation office moved her after she complained)
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Anonymous #2
#5
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#5
that sounds tough, and they sound like a throwback to the 80s! I would talk to the housing people and hopefully find a better fit. good luck!
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Anonymous #3
#6
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#6
Talk to the accommodation people and talk about the personality clash, at some unis they ask you personality traits before housing you...Maybe they can put you with some other quiet people? x
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Anonymous #4
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some flats have quiet options or alcohol-free options etc. I’m sure you’ll be able to find people that are much more like you. They sound like they’re being unfair for no reason at all I hope you find new flat mates soon
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EmeraldIsla
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Tell us how it goes. There’s an unnatural pressure to get on with your household because of Covid. But these sound like a bad fit and not tolerable. It may sound cynical but if you play the gay card and the mental health card they will take you very seriously. It sounds like you have done everything you can to try and integrate. You will find your tribe. Hang on in there.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by harrysbar)
I think you've been really unlucky with your flatmates as they are unfriendly towards you for no reason. I would talk to your accommodation office about this with a view to moving to a mixed flat - it's a lonely enough experience being a first year at uni at the moment without having mean flatmates too who exclude you from stuff

(my daughter did once have an experience of unfriendly flatmates too and the accommodation office moved her after she complained)
Thanks for the reply. I think I might ask to switch.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
some flats have quiet options or alcohol-free options etc. I’m sure you’ll be able to find people that are much more like you. They sound like they’re being unfair for no reason at all I hope you find new flat mates soon
All my friends that went to other Unis got questionnaires so they could live with people who were similar to them (like alcohol free or quieter options) but my Uni didn't have any. If they did it probably would stop situations like this!
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londonmyst
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I'd move.
Those guys sound like the type who have an endless supply of locker room brags about girls/sex/tinder adventures and would be right at home in the playboy mansion surrounded by skimpily clad models.
I'm female and have lived in plenty of houseshares with guys, girls and their pets.
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Anonymous #1
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UPDATE:
Thanks for the replies. I'm going to go to accommodation services tomorrow to try and get it sorted
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EmeraldIsla
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(Original post by Anonymous)
UPDATE:
Thanks for the replies. I'm going to go to accommodation services tomorrow to try and get it sorted
Please let us know how you get on. And don’t worry about the reaction of your present household. Don’t be afraid to lay it on thick- moving household in a pandemic is tricky but not impossible. Your mental health is important and they are expecting some bad matches like this. Also expect to have to email them after you have seen them to keep up the pressure. As someone else said a less blokey mixed household will be better. I hope you can get it sorted soon. Well done for being brave!
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Bang Outta Order
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Wait. So you're moving. Because...they don't like you. Kinda got it. But you mention that you don't relate to them cos you're gay. So...you're moving because you're gay. Alright then, if you wanna. Prob won't affect them.

But I will state. I know too many gays with straight mates. Tbh. Gays, lesbians. Sometimes even trans, yo!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bang Outta Order)
Wait. So you're moving. Because...they don't like you. Kinda got it. But you mention that you don't relate to them cos you're gay. So...you're moving because you're gay. Alright then, if you wanna. Prob won't affect them.

But I will state. I know too many gays with straight mates. Tbh. Gays, lesbians. Sometimes even trans, yo!
No, I'm not moving out simply because I'm gay. I'm moving out because I don't fit with them and they exclude me from things.
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EmeraldIsla
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(Original post by Bang Outta Order)
Wait. So you're moving. Because...they don't like you. Kinda got it. But you mention that you don't relate to them cos you're gay. So...you're moving because you're gay. Alright then, if you wanna. Prob won't affect them.

But I will state. I know too many gays with straight mates. Tbh. Gays, lesbians. Sometimes even trans, yo!
Not helpful. Tuck your shirt in.
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Anonymous #2
#17
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#17
he's not moving because he's gay!! He's moving because he lives with unevolved eegits. Jeez, I'd move they sound excruciating.
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Anonymous #6
#18
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#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been at University for 6 weeks now and have not bonded with any of my flatmates at all.

I am a quiet person and they probably think I am shy but when I do try and make conversation with them they give me just one word answers. When I walk into the kitchen and there are a couple of them sat down at the table they just completely blank me, they don't even look and just carry on with what they were talking about. I then feel like they don't want me there so leave after I'm done with what I'm doing. Also, they don't talk like you would think friends would- no talk about films, TV, sport etc. All they talk about are girls. I get that guys do talk about that together but surely not 100% of the time. I have literally never heard them have a conversation about anything other than girls after the first night. As I'm a gay guy, the conversations just aren't made for me to even say anything in because I have nothing to say about dating girls. Most of them are the complete opposite of me.

I have been considering asking to change accommodation since the start but after Sunday night it made me want to do it even more. On Sunday nothing was happening all day until about 11pm when two of them decided they wanted to drink and play music in the kitchen. I was in my room and saw through my peephole that they were knocking on everybody's door asking if they wanted to come to the kitchen and drink. 1 said yes but 2 of the others said no because they had lectures in the morning. Then they got round to my door and just didn't knock and went in the kitchen. I would have joined them but again, they just made me feel that they didn't want me there and didn't want me to join them.

Do I have unrealistic expectations? I was thinking that before I came to Uni, we'd all get on, have tea together, watch TV together and just talk about stuff like we're friends not just relationship advice lol. I even made an effort in trying to watch TV together by going into the kitchen to watch I'm a Celeb- but no one joined .

I don't know if I should move or not. On the one hand, I think that they are just not my type of people (I'd prefer to be in a place with girls and/or guys who aren't as laddy- if you know what I mean) and I'm just not going to get on with them and it will make my 1st year miserable. But on the other hand I think that its only been 6 weeks and I wasn't here for a week and half of that because I had to self isolate at home while on a visit home at the end of October. I am also still quite homesick so I'm thinking that's making me feel worse. Or am I homesick because I'm not getting on with my flatmates so just missing home?

What would you do if you were in my situation? Has anyone else switched accommodation and found it better? Hope to get some advice, thanks for reading
What unis is this? So I can avoid
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Anonymous #2
#19
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#19
the uni name is irrelevant, it's about people and their differences. It's just a tricky situation that hopefully can be resolved by not just putting up with it. Not the University's fault... can happen anywhere.
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Anonymous #6
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(Original post by Anonymous)
the uni name is irrelevant, it's about people and their differences. It's just a tricky situation that hopefully can be resolved by not just putting up with it. Not the University's fault... can happen anywhere.
Not true for example UCL isn’t gonna have anywhere as near as many “lads” as Manchester Met university
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