My Flatmates don't try with me

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xoxcm
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Hi,
I'm in an unideal situation with my flatmates, any advice would be much appreciated.
Basically, I am a first year student and moved into halls this year. I am a girl, and I live with two other girls and two boys. One of the girls is never ever here so she's not part of the problem.
My flatmates are ok and I make quite a bit of effort with them, such as cleaning the kitchen, I got them advent calendars the other day and I always invite them to wherever I am going, which they sometimes accept. I would say that I am a really kind, outgoing and friendly person who cares about others a lot.
Two of them do English, one does Maths, the absent girl does geography and I do chemistry.
They make me feel really left out. For example they dont invite me when they go out, and have all ordered takeaway together when I was sitting with them and didnt ask me if I would like anything. They make a fair bit of mess in the kitchen too, I dont wash their dishes for them but I do hoover, mop, clean the hob and sides etc. They dont appreciate it and its often filthy again within a day. I also catch them giving each other funny looks when they think I am not looking, usually after I speak. They also constantly use like coded, inside jokes when I am there which feels a bit weird as I dont know what theyre taalking about. They have a group chat without me in it, which I know they message in frequently. They are all quite good friends with each other. Ive also heard them talking about not inviting me places in the hallway, which made me feel bad about myself. I feel like I have made a lot of effort to be friendly, I am extroverted and enjoy the same types of things they do. They are usually fine when by themselves, but as a group they make me feel very left out.
Its weird because Ive always found it very easy to make friends and I can make conversation with anyone, but for some reason they are being horrible to me. I have friends outside of the flat who I get on with really well, but I feel uncomfortable when my flatmates are around me because they make me feel left out. Also if anyone is interested, my personality type ESFJ-T. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you xx
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by xoxcm)
Hi,
I'm in an unideal situation with my flatmates, any advice would be much appreciated.
Basically, I am a first year student and moved into halls this year. I am a girl, and I live with two other girls and two boys. One of the girls is never ever here so she's not part of the problem.
My flatmates are ok and I make quite a bit of effort with them, such as cleaning the kitchen, I got them advent calendars the other day and I always invite them to wherever I am going, which they sometimes accept. I would say that I am a really kind, outgoing and friendly person who cares about others a lot.
Two of them do English, one does Maths, the absent girl does geography and I do chemistry.
They make me feel really left out. For example they dont invite me when they go out, and have all ordered takeaway together when I was sitting with them and didnt ask me if I would like anything. They make a fair bit of mess in the kitchen too, I dont wash their dishes for them but I do hoover, mop, clean the hob and sides etc. They dont appreciate it and its often filthy again within a day. I also catch them giving each other funny looks when they think I am not looking, usually after I speak. They also constantly use like coded, inside jokes when I am there which feels a bit weird as I dont know what theyre taalking about. They have a group chat without me in it, which I know they message in frequently. They are all quite good friends with each other. Ive also heard them talking about not inviting me places in the hallway, which made me feel bad about myself. I feel like I have made a lot of effort to be friendly, I am extroverted and enjoy the same types of things they do. They are usually fine when by themselves, but as a group they make me feel very left out.
Its weird because Ive always found it very easy to make friends and I can make conversation with anyone, but for some reason they are being horrible to me. I have friends outside of the flat who I get on with really well, but I feel uncomfortable when my flatmates are around me because they make me feel left out. Also if anyone is interested, my personality type ESFJ-T. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you xx
It sounds like they're just nasty people tbh. You've been doing everything I would normally advise to people to help them make friends. For whatever reason, they don't want to be friends with you. I wouldn't take it personally because you seem like a lovely person. Just focus on your other friends and look forward to the day you move out and don't have to see these people again.
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xoxcm
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
It sounds like they're just nasty people tbh. You've been doing everything I would normally advise to people to help them make friends. For whatever reason, they don't want to be friends with you. I wouldn't take it personally because you seem like a lovely person. Just focus on your other friends and look forward to the day you move out and don't have to see these people again.
that’s a lovely response, thanks for taking the time to read what i wrote. i will keep being polite and friendly with them but i’ll just focus on my other friends and my course! that’s great advice, thanks again
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bfg2001
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(Original post by xoxcm)
Hi,
I'm in an unideal situation with my flatmates, any advice would be much appreciated.
Basically, I am a first year student and moved into halls this year. I am a girl, and I live with two other girls and two boys. One of the girls is never ever here so she's not part of the problem.
My flatmates are ok and I make quite a bit of effort with them, such as cleaning the kitchen, I got them advent calendars the other day and I always invite them to wherever I am going, which they sometimes accept. I would say that I am a really kind, outgoing and friendly person who cares about others a lot.
Two of them do English, one does Maths, the absent girl does geography and I do chemistry.
They make me feel really left out. For example they dont invite me when they go out, and have all ordered takeaway together when I was sitting with them and didnt ask me if I would like anything. They make a fair bit of mess in the kitchen too, I dont wash their dishes for them but I do hoover, mop, clean the hob and sides etc. They dont appreciate it and its often filthy again within a day. I also catch them giving each other funny looks when they think I am not looking, usually after I speak. They also constantly use like coded, inside jokes when I am there which feels a bit weird as I dont know what theyre taalking about. They have a group chat without me in it, which I know they message in frequently. They are all quite good friends with each other. Ive also heard them talking about not inviting me places in the hallway, which made me feel bad about myself. I feel like I have made a lot of effort to be friendly, I am extroverted and enjoy the same types of things they do. They are usually fine when by themselves, but as a group they make me feel very left out.
Its weird because Ive always found it very easy to make friends and I can make conversation with anyone, but for some reason they are being horrible to me. I have friends outside of the flat who I get on with really well, but I feel uncomfortable when my flatmates are around me because they make me feel left out. Also if anyone is interested, my personality type ESFJ-T. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you xx
My best friend was in a similar situation last year, so I know how hard this is and I'm sorry you're going through this. Like someone else said, you're doing everything right - so don't think you're in the wrong here at all. Sadly, some people just automatically decide whether they like someone or not, and you've just gotten unlucky.

It's difficult to know what to do. you could either speak to one of them when they're on their own and ask in an indirect way why they're acting like this: for example, ask if you've done something to upset them because you thought they seemed mad at you. If you don't feel comfortable directly talking to one of them about it, it would probably be best to distance yourself from them and stick to your friends outside the flat.

Also, make sure you're not the only one doing the chores - maybe stop doing one chore and see if they start doing it (which they should!) when they notice things aren't clean. This is everybody's living space, so everyone should take care of it.
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xoxcm
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(Original post by bfg2001)
My best friend was in a similar situation last year, so I know how hard this is and I'm sorry you're going through this. Like someone else said, you're doing everything right - so don't think you're in the wrong here at all. Sadly, some people just automatically decide whether they like someone or not, and you've just gotten unlucky.

It's difficult to know what to do. you could either speak to one of them when they're on their own and ask in an indirect way why they're acting like this: for example, ask if you've done something to upset them because you thought they seemed mad at you. If you don't feel comfortable directly talking to one of them about it, it would probably be best to distance yourself from them and stick to your friends outside the flat.

Also, make sure you're not the only one doing the chores - maybe stop doing one chore and see if they start doing it (which they should!) when they notice things aren't clean. This is everybody's living space, so everyone should take care of it.
Hey, thanks for taking the time to reply! Thank you for the reassurance, Im beginning to think they are the problem rather than me. If it gets worse I will consider speaking to one of them, although i would like to avoid that as it would make me feel so awkward. Also, there was a boy living in this room with my flatmates before I moved in (I moved in a little late), and his mum came in one day and moved all his stuff out and told the flatmates that they bullied him out. I never thought much of this but it could say something about them.

Also regarding the kitchen, I do try not to clean it very often but it really annoys me when its filthy and i want to cook or spend time in there! ill try to leave it for a few days and see what happens.
Thanks so much again for your kind message, I will defo take what u said on board xx
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xoxcm
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(Original post by xoxcm)
Hi,
I'm in an unideal situation with my flatmates, any advice would be much appreciated.
Basically, I am a first year student and moved into halls this year. I am a girl, and I live with two other girls and two boys. One of the girls is never ever here so she's not part of the problem.
My flatmates are ok and I make quite a bit of effort with them, such as cleaning the kitchen, I got them advent calendars the other day and I always invite them to wherever I am going, which they sometimes accept. I would say that I am a really kind, outgoing and friendly person who cares about others a lot.
Two of them do English, one does Maths, the absent girl does geography and I do chemistry.
They make me feel really left out. For example they dont invite me when they go out, and have all ordered takeaway together when I was sitting with them and didnt ask me if I would like anything. They make a fair bit of mess in the kitchen too, I dont wash their dishes for them but I do hoover, mop, clean the hob and sides etc. They dont appreciate it and its often filthy again within a day. I also catch them giving each other funny looks when they think I am not looking, usually after I speak. They also constantly use like coded, inside jokes when I am there which feels a bit weird as I dont know what theyre taalking about. They have a group chat without me in it, which I know they message in frequently. They are all quite good friends with each other. Ive also heard them talking about not inviting me places in the hallway, which made me feel bad about myself. I feel like I have made a lot of effort to be friendly, I am extroverted and enjoy the same types of things they do. They are usually fine when by themselves, but as a group they make me feel very left out.
Its weird because Ive always found it very easy to make friends and I can make conversation with anyone, but for some reason they are being horrible to me. I have friends outside of the flat who I get on with really well, but I feel uncomfortable when my flatmates are around me because they make me feel left out. Also if anyone is interested, my personality type ESFJ-T. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you xx
update - they are literally bullying me. its all kicked off
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Anonymous #1
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This is why halls suck.
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xoxcm
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This is why halls suck.
literally crying my eyes out. theyre trying to bully me out the same way they did the last guy. im scared to leave my room and feel so anxious
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xoxcm
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someone please help me😓feel so low
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by xoxcm)
literally crying my eyes out. theyre trying to bully me out the same way they did the last guy. im scared to leave my room and feel so anxious
How are they bullying you?

Try and record it with your phone. Go to the accommodation warden/chap in charge and ask to switch flats ASAP. You won't regret it, trust me.
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xoxcm
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(Original post by Anonymous)
How are they bullying you?

Try and record it with your phone. Go to the accommodation warden/chap in charge and ask to switch flats ASAP. You won't regret it, trust me.
thanks a lot for your reply xx
theyre sending nasty messages in group chat, all ganging up on me. talk s*** about me outside my room. laughing at me and pulling faces at each other whenever im there. telling me im selfish because i asked them to stop screaming and shouting at 1am when I was trying to sleep (my room is right next to the kitchen). I dont want to ruin their fun but they were being extremely loud and they knew i was trying to sleep. after that, they went out for a while. its quieter and im almost asleep when the buzzer starts ringing repeatedly. obviously it was them and theyre trying to stop me from sleeping as 'revenge' for me asking them to be a bit quieter. i asked in the group chat if someone needs me to come down and let them in and they said no it wasnt them etc. I stood up for myself and said that theyre being mean and ganging up on me and they all played innocent.
I cant move flats because I moved before, I used to live with all boys and they were nice enough but I wanted mixed accommodation (I am a girl). The bully in my new flat asked me to move in so I said yes. I didnt know it would be this horrible. I have been nothing but nice to them but theyre so mean and i feel so attacked.
feeling really anxious and depressed.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by xoxcm)
thanks a lot for your reply xx
theyre sending nasty messages in group chat, all ganging up on me. talk s*** about me outside my room. laughing at me and pulling faces at each other whenever im there. telling me im selfish because i asked them to stop screaming and shouting at 1am when I was trying to sleep (my room is right next to the kitchen). I dont want to ruin their fun but they were being extremely loud and they knew i was trying to sleep. after that, they went out for a while. its quieter and im almost asleep when the buzzer starts ringing repeatedly. obviously it was them and theyre trying to stop me from sleeping as 'revenge' for me asking them to be a bit quieter. i asked in the group chat if someone needs me to come down and let them in and they said no it wasnt them etc. I stood up for myself and said that theyre being mean and ganging up on me and they all played innocent.
I cant move flats because I moved before, I used to live with all boys and they were nice enough but I wanted mixed accommodation (I am a girl). The bully in my new flat asked me to move in so I said yes. I didnt know it would be this horrible. I have been nothing but nice to them but theyre so mean and i feel so attacked.
feeling really anxious and depressed.
Sorry to hear that, sounds like you ended up with some of the worst flatmates possible - unfortunately it happens. The only likely solution really is to move again. If you say that it's affecting your mental health, etc they will move you - they have a duty of care.
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xoxcm
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry to hear that, sounds like you ended up with some of the worst flatmates possible - unfortunately it happens. The only likely solution really is to move again. If you say that it's affecting your mental health, etc they will move you - they have a duty of care.
Thanks for the message. Really dont know what to do, its affecting my mental health massively. However I feel like itll be the same in any flat I could move to, as people have friend groups and stuff by now. I am considering renting a 1 bed flat by myself for the rest of the year, although obviously thatll be lonely also
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Iouisa
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aight if they're bullying you it's straight up time to tell the hall managers. yeah it could provoke things so it's probs best to ask if you can move first and see if they have a room available and then state the reason why you're thinking of this.
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bfg2001
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(Original post by xoxcm)
Thanks for the message. Really dont know what to do, its affecting my mental health massively. However I feel like itll be the same in any flat I could move to, as people have friend groups and stuff by now. I am considering renting a 1 bed flat by myself for the rest of the year, although obviously thatll be lonely also
Hey - I gave advice before but only now checking up on this thread. I'm so sorry things have turned south so fast. Someone's already mentioned this, but bring it up to hall managers and show the group chat texts as proof. I know you're hesitant about moving again, but you need to prioritise your mental health, and no place is going to be perfect. Sure, people may be in their friendship groups, but even if your potential new flatmates are passive towards you, it's better than them actively trying to make your life a living hell.
If you're really nervous about having new flatmates, which after this I really don't blame you, go for a 1 bed flat. Sure, you'll be lonely, but at least you won't have people making the flat untidy, keeping you up and taking petty revenge when you've done nothing wrong. My best friend lives with one other person, and she wishes she were living alone.
If you need a friend during all this, don't hesitate to PM me, and please keep us updated on the situation. <3
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xoxcm
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(Original post by bfg2001)
Hey - I gave advice before but only now checking up on this thread. I'm so sorry things have turned south so fast. Someone's already mentioned this, but bring it up to hall managers and show the group chat texts as proof. I know you're hesitant about moving again, but you need to prioritise your mental health, and no place is going to be perfect. Sure, people may be in their friendship groups, but even if your potential new flatmates are passive towards you, it's better than them actively trying to make your life a living hell.
If you're really nervous about having new flatmates, which after this I really don't blame you, go for a 1 bed flat. Sure, you'll be lonely, but at least you won't have people making the flat untidy, keeping you up and taking petty revenge when you've done nothing wrong. My best friend lives with one other person, and she wishes she were living alone.
If you need a friend during all this, don't hesitate to PM me, and please keep us updated on the situation. <3
Hey, sorry just seen this message. It is just super awkward now, I have tried to sort it out but theyre all ignoring me, so I am just going to leave it. I am going to have a think over christmas over what i think i am going to do, thank you so much for your kindness and advice - it means more than you may know. it's sort of comforting to know that other people have gone though this too, and that i am not the problem. ill defo keep you updated, thanks again xx
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c1student
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aw im so sorry you have to go through this!! pls try and not take anything to heart what they say (ik it's easy to say) . i don't get why some people are like this. hope it can get better soon. defo try and speak to the halls accom people
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RandomTennisfan
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Seems to me you’ve drawn a short straw and as a result stuck with some awful flatmates. Not a lot really you should do imo, you don’t owe them anything, keep it civil and focus more on the decent people around university. First year may seem like a bit of a letdown not having a good flat, but this happens more often than you would think. I couldn’t really find people I click with in first year, it happened more in second year and final year putting myself out there a little bit. Try not to let them get to you, hope this helps.
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Anonymous #2
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Bless I could hug you, you sound so amazing buying everyone advent calendars
I’m not even being nice for the sake of it like you just sound like an angel lady

**** them, you don’t need the negativity and the bullying should be reported - we all worked hard to get to uni and nobody deserves it
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xoxcm
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(Original post by c1student)
aw im so sorry you have to go through this!! pls try and not take anything to heart what they say (ik it's easy to say) . i don't get why some people are like this. hope it can get better soon. defo try and speak to the halls accom people
hey thanks for this - trying me best! hope ur well x
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