conflicting likes and dislikes between a couple

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an0nym0us56
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so i’m in a relationship currently and we’ve been together for nearly a year now. we’ve been great and we’ve hardly ever had issues about what activities one another are up to or the choices being made. however, this has recently changed for me. a few months ago i found out my s/o hd started smoking weed after he had previously in our relationship, as well as prior to us officially being together, told me that he had no wish to nor did he like the idea of ever smoking weed. he had hidden this from me to begin with as he knew i am not particularly fond of the whole thing, and only when i asked him about it did he tell me. we had a mature and healthy conversation about it and did not argue, he told me that he hated the feeling smoking weed gave him physically, saying it made him feel really weary and uneasy about everything, and that it even affected his asthma. he told me he was going to stop, not just because i’m not fond of it, but because of how it made him feel, as well as the fact that him and i have both seen many of our friends lose/break up badly with a partner they had due to weed, and many other drugs. he had told me he didn’t want to become like that because he didn’t want to lose me and i was much more important and more of a priority to him than smoking had ever been. i assured him though, that i was not trying to force him in anyway to stop, i never even asked him to stop. he told me he had decided that on his own accord, and i reassured him that if he wished to continue smoking i wasn’t going to stop him as i do not want to be controlling or dictating of his actions. i told him all i wish if he continues to smoke is that he simply tells me when he is going to, and just what his plan is/where he is because i care for him and his safety, and it brings me comfort knowing he is safe. through all this, over the last few weeks i’ve been told numerous times that he is smoking again with friends, and when i’ve asked what he’s up to those nights he’s lied to me and not told me anything about smoking. i did not bring it up again until about a week ago because it was upsetting me not because he was doing it again, but because he had not kept his word and had lied about it to me when i asked. he told me eventually that yes he had been smoking again and he had “forgotten” about the promise he made me. i’m unsure what to do because now every time he goes out i feel as though he most likely is smoking but not telling me because i’m not one to overly like it. i’m scared to keep bringing it up also because i’m worried i will cause an argument.. if someone is able to send some advice i would be so grateful
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something_orphic
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Hmm difficult. It does not sound great about him lying to you and i understand how you are clearly worried about him having an asthma attack. Maybe explain to him that you dislike the secrecy and how he feels as though he has to go behind your back. Obviously limiting discussion about it is probably a good idea to avoid arguments but i would say that you need a chat about it and try to be calm about it. Unfortunately weed is an addictive substance (although people like to claim it isn't) and he may be that he is finding it hard to stop so maybe ask him about that and and reassure him that you are not cross or angry w him or telling him what he can and cannot do and that you are just trying to hope. Hopefully it will work out however i would say if he is lying about other things or if he does not stop and this is causing you stress and anxiety then it is perfectly okay to rethink the relationship.
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Dunnig Kruger
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So far you have handled this really well. You said all the right things in the right way for the right reasons. So much so that I'm confident you could handle things from now on your own in a really good way without advice from anyone else.

If I were in your shoes I would now be assuming that he's smoking weed on a regular basis. And that he will lie to me whenever it suits his short term purposes. It is now easy to read him like an open book. Except, instead of knowing what he's doing by what he says, you know that he's doing the opposite of what he says whenever being honest would make him look bad in the moment he says it.

You are right to not want to bring this up right now. As it would come over as nagging.

You have a big choice now. You can either tolerate his drug taking and his habitual lies and oath-breaking.
Or you can leave him.

Staying with him and trying to change him or hoping that he will change is a fools errand.

I'm confident you will make the right decision.
You are a great girlfriend now. If you ever get married and have children you will be a great wife and mother.
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Final Fantasy
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This isn't to disregard what you're saying - I'm just genuinely curious. How would you feel if marijuana was legalised in the UK?
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londonmyst
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It all depends on whether you want to continue in a relationship with an unreliable guy who lies, consumes cannabis and is willing to tolerate the negative impact it has on his health.

You have three options:
1) You can ignore these habits and continue the relationship, knowing that his behaviour is unlikely to ever change for the better.
2) You can discuss his behaviour with him, tell him how you feel and offer him your support if he wants it- knowing that the most likely outcomes are more lies/bluffs or a fight.
3) You can tell him that you have had enough of him, his lies, cannabis and the relationship.
Moving on with your life without him- leaving him with his friends to enjoy whatever thrills they from their illegal drug habits.

Good luck!
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an0nym0us56
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(Original post by something_orphic)
Hmm difficult. It does not sound great about him lying to you and i understand how you are clearly worried about him having an asthma attack. Maybe explain to him that you dislike the secrecy and how he feels as though he has to go behind your back. Obviously limiting discussion about it is probably a good idea to avoid arguments but i would say that you need a chat about it and try to be calm about it. Unfortunately weed is an addictive substance (although people like to claim it isn't) and he may be that he is finding it hard to stop so maybe ask him about that and and reassure him that you are not cross or angry w him or telling him what he can and cannot do and that you are just trying to hope. Hopefully it will work out however i would say if he is lying about other things or if he does not stop and this is causing you stress and anxiety then it is perfectly okay to rethink the relationship.
Thank you so much this has helped me a lot ! 🙏🏼
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an0nym0us56
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(Original post by something_orphic)
Hmm difficult. It does not sound great about him lying to you and i understand how you are clearly worried about him having an asthma attack. Maybe explain to him that you dislike the secrecy and how he feels as though he has to go behind your back. Obviously limiting discussion about it is probably a good idea to avoid arguments but i would say that you need a chat about it and try to be calm about it. Unfortunately weed is an addictive substance (although people like to claim it isn't) and he may be that he is finding it hard to stop so maybe ask him about that and and reassure him that you are not cross or angry w him or telling him what he can and cannot do and that you are just trying to hope. Hopefully it will work out however i would say if he is lying about other things or if he does not stop and this is causing you stress and anxiety then it is perfectly okay to rethink the relationship.
Thank you so much this has helped me a lot ! 🙏🏼

(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
So far you have handled this really well. You said all the right things in the right way for the right reasons. So much so that I'm confident you could handle things from now on your own in a really good way without advice from anyone else.

If I were in your shoes I would now be assuming that he's smoking weed on a regular basis. And that he will lie to me whenever it suits his short term purposes. It is now easy to read him like an open book. Except, instead of knowing what he's doing by what he says, you know that he's doing the opposite of what he says whenever being honest would make him look bad in the moment he says it.

You are right to not want to bring this up right now. As it would come over as nagging.

You have a big choice now. You can either tolerate his drug taking and his habitual lies and oath-breaking.
Or you can leave him.

Staying with him and trying to change him or hoping that he will change is a fools errand.

I'm confident you will make the right decision.
You are a great girlfriend now. If you ever get married and have children you will be a great wife and mother.
Reading your kind words made me smile, thank you for that! Your thoughts and advice has really helped me out, thank you so much !
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an0nym0us56
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(Original post by Final Fantasy)
This isn't to disregard what you're saying - I'm just genuinely curious. How would you feel if marijuana was legalised in the UK?
Well for me, whether it is legal or not, I would not particularly ever want to try it, as I have seen friends and family harmed by the effects his has on them. It is not the drug itself that bothers me, it’s the effect his has on people and how it often changes them.
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an0nym0us56
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(Original post by londonmyst)
It all depends on whether you want to continue in a relationship with an unreliable guy who lies, consumes cannabis and is willing to tolerate the negative impact it has on his health.

You have three options:
1) You can ignore these habits and continue the relationship, knowing that his behaviour is unlikely to ever change for the better.
2) You can discuss his behaviour with him, tell him how you feel and offer him your support if he wants it- knowing that the most likely outcomes are more lies/bluffs or a fight.
3) You can tell him that you have had enough of him, his lies, cannabis and the relationship.
Moving on with your life without him- leaving him with his friends to enjoy whatever thrills they from their illegal drug habits.

Good luck!
Thank you! I will think about these options.
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Surnia
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As at Dunnig Kruger but to "drug taking and his habitual lies and oath-breaking" I'll add "law-breaking".

You do know what he is doing is illegal?
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