Pawprints2
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#1
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Me and my OH have been together 4 years, I recently found out he downloaded snapchat and added only fans account PREVIEWS on there, not paying for anything, they were just girls promoting their only fans, nudes. Only them no other girls to use it as " porn ". There was no conversing at all, he said it was stupid but purely just another porn site for him, just to look. He found a girl on Instagram and in her BIO it said add her snapchat for nudes, which he did and then proceeded to add more girls which meant more nudes/ videos. He would log in, look, come off it, delete it and then go onto porn, and then do the same thing in a few days, and etc etc. He hid it from me because he knew it was bad, but he said it really was just porn to him and wasn't a personal thing. WHAT?
Last edited by Pawprints2; 1 month ago
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NicoleDV
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How did you find out that he had downloaded it? and have you confronted him or are you considering confronting him and are unsure?
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Pawprints2
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It popped up on his phone. Yes I've confronted and were in an on going discussion about it. Is it boys just being stupid boys?
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NicoleDV
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I’m not sure of the ins and outs of snapchat or snapchat premium etc but what are your views on him watching porn and do you feel like this is similar or different because its just ‘normal’ girls on snapchat/premium? I think you just have to figure out whats important to you, morally in a relationship. What has he said about the situation?
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Pawprints2
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Porn is porn, every guy watches it but this to me felt very personal because as you said it was actual girls he was adding. I dont know what to do in this situation, I'm not sure if I'm overreacting because he just said it was like porn. He is very apologetic, he said he was just being stupid and wasn't thinking and very upset about the whole thing.
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londonmyst
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It depends on what your gut instinct is telling you, how you feel about porn and being in a relationship with a guy who likes porn.
I don't date porn guys and won't get closely involved with anyone directly creating porn content or making money from the porn industry.
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NicoleDV
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(Original post by Pawprints2)
Porn is porn, every guy watches it but this to me felt very personal because as you said it was actual girls he was adding. I dont know what to do in this situation, I'm not sure if I'm overreacting because he just said it was like porn. He is very apologetic, he said he was just being stupid and wasn't thinking and very upset about the whole thing.

I’m glad he apologised and didn’t make out as if you were overreacting because guys can do that sometimes - they can downplay situations and make you feel like you’re unjustified in what you believe to be a big deal. 4 years is a long time so ofcourse I don’t think anything drastic should come of this but he will have to regain your trust and perhaps put more time into intimacy and ‘spice’ between you both rather than trying to source it online from random girls on an app.

I don’t think you are overracting one bit I agree with you I can imagine you will have had that horrible gut feeling in your stomach and like many women/girls you probably started to feel self conscious, worries about trust etc thats normal. But you ARE enough - guys can be very selfish and unintentionally ignorant to your feelings - mostly not on purpose.

How do you WANT to move on from this?
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Pawprints2
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But what I'm trying to understand is if this was really just a silly mistake that guys do, and just guys being guys, or if this is something I shouldn't stand for.. No one I know has gone through this so I guess I'm trying to get advice from outsiders. Was it just porn to him? Was he just not thinking? This happened about 2 months ago and were still sorting it out. I just don't know what to do.
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NicoleDV
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(Original post by Pawprints2)
But what I'm trying to understand is if this was really just a silly mistake that guys do, and just guys being guys, or if this is something I shouldn't stand for.. No one I know has gone through this so I guess I'm trying to get advice from outsiders. Was it just porn to him? Was he just not thinking? This happened about 2 months ago and were still sorting it out. I just don't know what to do.
Has he said it was just porn to him? I mean he has had the thought process there to download the app make an account and add a service he knew would ultimately lead to seeing naked photos and videos from average girls. Porn is readily available from many websites so I guess the reason is why he felt the need to be on snapchat to do this? And when you say it popped up on his phone do you mean a notification from someone he was chatting to orrr?

You are clearly struggling to move on from this if it has been 2 months and its unfair to you both to drag it on for so long. What is your gut telling you to do?
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Pawprints2
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Yes, he has explained to me that it was just another porn site for him and that maybe it was just a bit differnt to the usual sites. He tells me it wasn't to try cheat, wasn't to try get someone else, wasn't to try and talk, it was just a different switch up to the sites he goes on - but becuase it was on this silly app with actual people you can see where my mind wanders too. All day everyday he apologies and admits he was wrong stupid to even go looking for that sort of thing, when it's out there already, and he says he regrets it all and said he will never, in a million years think of doing something like this again. Its just hard to get over when I know its been done, and that I genuinely do not know what to do about this situation, I kind of need a guys perspective to see if guys just do this because they're simple creatures. Haha.
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candydiva
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Here we go again... OF/porn stressing ppls rels. It's so common I see threads about this almost every day on TSR and reddit too.

All dudes use porn. Many girls use porn. Dudes defo feel defensive about this even if they r not doing anything xcept looking and masturbating - let's call those "normal" uses of porn as opposed to signing up to paid OF subscription - and they know u will react the way u did.

I think I can help u all... how about Candy's rel training....

1: Y don't girls xpect dudes to use porn? Girl... whether u do or not, or like it or not, understand that the dude u want to/will date uses porn. The "option" of having him not look doesn't exist irl. So now it becomes, how to handle this reality.
2: Watever the boundaries are, discuss them before u see the download/notifications and esp before u engage in the phone snooping coz u and we all know wat u will find...be realistic knowing (1) above....if u attempt to shame him into a way of life u and he knows is unsustainable then both u and he will be disappointed. A lot of stress results from ppl not knowing the real boundaries and that includes u, girl...
3: Pls understand that I am not saying "no boundaries." I am saying... clear, well-communicated boundaries that are respected by both. Follow the boundaries established from (2). That means if u don't accept his habit u need to communicate "violation" and take the corresponding steps in full knowledge. No ostriching. Also, if u agree to certain uses and he employs them... then no backtracking or negging coz' of that.
4. Find ur own porn and insist he watches it occasionally. This doesn't have to be tit-for-tat, like not minute-for-minute but just enuf to ensure he uses porn in a reciprocal way with understanding that u also can watch and ur tastes may not be his. Fr instance if he likes "spinner schoolgirl" then u watch "well endowed bbc"
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Pawprints2
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#12
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(Original post by candydiva)
Here we go again... OF/porn stressing ppls rels. It's so common I see threads about this almost every day on TSR and reddit too.

All dudes use porn. Many girls use porn. Dudes defo feel defensive about this even if they r not doing anything xcept looking and masturbating - let's call those "normal" uses of porn as opposed to signing up to paid OF subscription - and they know u will react the way u did.

I think I can help u all... how about Candy's rel training....

1: Y don't girls xpect dudes to use porn? Girl... whether u do or not, or like it or not, understand that the dude u want to/will date uses porn. The "option" of having him not look doesn't exist irl. So now it becomes, how to handle this reality.
2: Watever the boundaries are, discuss them before u see the download/notifications and esp before u engage in the phone snooping coz u and we all know wat u will find...be realistic knowing (1) above....if u attempt to shame him into a way of life u and he knows is unsustainable then both u and he will be disappointed. A lot of stress results from ppl not knowing the real boundaries and that includes u, girl...
3: Pls understand that I am not saying "no boundaries." I am saying... clear, well-communicated boundaries that are respected by both. Follow the boundaries established from (2). That means if u don't accept his habit u need to communicate "violation" and take the corresponding steps in full knowledge. No ostriching. Also, if u agree to certain uses and he employs them... then no backtracking or negging coz' of that.
4. Find ur own porn and insist he watches it occasionally. This doesn't have to be tit-for-tat, like not minute-for-minute but just enuf to ensure he uses porn in a reciprocal way with understanding that u also can watch and ur tastes may not be his. Fr instance if he likes "spinner schoolgirl" then u watch "well endowed bbc"
I understand all of this, as I said, porn is porn. BUT what I was getting at is porn is everywhere, yet he snooped on instagram, found a girls insta promoting to add her on snapchat for her nudes, in which he did and then continued to add differnt girls to watch their stories which had, videos an nudes.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Pawprints2)
I understand all of this, as I said, porn is porn. BUT what I was getting at is porn is everywhere, yet he snooped on instagram, found a girls insta promoting to add her on snapchat for her nudes, in which he did and then continued to add differnt girls to watch their stories which had, videos an nudes.
He might prefer girls that aren't on the 'mainstream' sites and the idea that its on a story/message rather than a standard site might add a more intimate or private feel to it rather than the commercialised like big porn sites. I personally would rather look at other hot guys via instgram/snapchat rather than traditional porn sites but thats my preference
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Pawprints2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He might prefer girls that aren't on the 'mainstream' sites and the idea that its on a story/message rather than a standard site might add a more intimate or private feel to it rather than the commercialised like big porn sites. I personally would rather look at other hot guys via instgram/snapchat rather than traditional porn sites but thats my preference
Yes, this makes sense, but he said that he would log on, look, come off it then carry on with porn..
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