Anonymous #1
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Hi , I’m going into university within the next academic year and I fear that I’m going to be a social outcast , behind everyone and that nobody wants to go out with me . I fear that I won’t be able to lose my virginity before you university .......am I alone in this ?
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username5490332
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Why do you feel like not losing your virginity makes you an outcast? That’s not true! If all people have to talk about is sex then they’re clearly not very interesting people and you don’t wanna be friends with them anyway
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candydiva
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This feeling is v strong among hs ppls... I understand, I had this same feeling myself. We r not all rational about this. Ppl do talk about sex a lot and it does confer status.
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JSTLjack
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I've graduated university and have been working for 3 years now (will hopefully be going back in 2021 to study GEM). Trust me plenty of people go to university not having had much sexual experience, in fact some of my friends still don't have much experience. Movies about the USA college experience make it seem like sex is more important than it actual is - the right time and person will come. Try not to stress out and focus on all the new experience uni will have to offer!
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candydiva
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(Original post by JSTLjack)
I've graduated university and have been working for 3 years now (will hopefully be going back in 2021 to study GEM). Trust me plenty of people go to university not having had much sexual experience, in fact some of my friends still don't have much experience. Movies about the USA college experience make it seem like sex is more important than it actual is - the right time and person will come. Try not to stress out and focus on all the new experience uni will have to offer!
Well maybe u mean Love Actually with hot American sorority girls loool!! Yeah for real there is plenty of sex at US universities but I agree with u, stressing about it is not helpful. If someone wants to DO something about it there are methods and realistic options but if they don't then live with it for sure.

U know culture today is all about socials driving FOMO....
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JSTLjack
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(Original post by candydiva)
Well maybe u mean Love Actually with hot American sorority girls loool!! Yeah for real there is plenty of sex at US universities but I agree with u, stressing about it is not helpful. If someone wants to DO something about it there are methods and realistic options but if they don't then live with it for sure.

U know culture today is all about socials driving FOMO....
My point isn't so much that sex doesn't happen at university, just that it's really not that important. I have friends in their mid-twenties that are still virgins and no one cares in the slightest - it won't make anyone a social outcast.

If you go to university and lose your virginity in fresher's week, that's fine, if you go through all of university and don't end up having sex, then that's also fine. There are other aspects of university life and life in general to enjoy and make you feel fulfilled.
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candydiva
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(Original post by JSTLjack)
My point isn't so much that sex doesn't happen at university, just that it's really not that important. I have friends in their mid-twenties that are still virgins and no one cares in the slightest - it won't make anyone a social outcast.

If you go to university and lose your virginity in fresher's week, that's fine, if you go through all of university and don't end up having sex, then that's also fine. There are other aspects of university life and life in general to enjoy and make you feel fulfilled.
I take ur point. I was feeling playful coz this is such a loaded subject and it gets raised on TSR every day. The real reason to lose ur v is coz u want to. Not for any other reason. That way u take full ownership and don't let it eat u up, one way or another.
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by JSTLjack)
My point isn't so much that sex doesn't happen at university, just that it's really not that important. I have friends in their mid-twenties that are still virgins and no one cares in the slightest - it won't make anyone a social outcast.
I think - generally - the people that are still virgins in their mid twenties will care that they haven't been in a sexual relationship yet.

I know that anecdotally speaking, with a sample size of over 100, every university student or graduate that I've ever known that was a virgin has longed very much for the day that they will find someone to love them.
It's a very fundamental human desire.

For the OP, I'd say that about half of the students that started my uni course were virgins going into it. And the majority of the ones who weren't had such minimal experience of sex and relationships that there was nothing of use that you could learn from them about this subject.

We all have to start somewhere. And uni is a great place to start your sexual and relationship apprenticeship.

As a big tip, move away from the parental home when you go to uni.
And use the first day at uni as a great day to reinvent yourself. Into a more positive, outgoing, can do will do, let's treat life as one big adventure version of yourself.
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asif007
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I lost mine at 18 before I went to university, but then I went a couple of years before meeting another girl. I went to uni for 4 years and didn't have any sex until a few months before I left. Even then it was only a handful of times. There will be other people around you who make it look so easy to find sex, but your job is to put sex to the back of your mind and focus on the bigger issues. You're going to uni to study and get a good degree - if sex happens, it happens but if it doesn't, don't take it to heart. Priorities: good degree followed by good job and income.
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by asif007)
but your job is to put sex to the back of your mind and focus on the bigger issues. You're going to uni to study and get a good degree - if sex happens, it happens but if it doesn't, don't take it to heart. Priorities: good degree followed by good job and income.
I disagree entirely.

For one, it's not possible to put sex to the back of your mind when you are 18 to 22 and not getting any.

The workload for undergraduate students from July to May is so light that there is plenty of time in which to have a full and active social life and sex life.

I went to university for the following reasons:
1 Most important reason: to move away from home
2 To start having a sex life
3 To have a lot of fun for 3 years
4 To learn about something I was interested in - and with hindsight I think I made a great choice of degree course.
5 Least important reason: to get a degree certificate

If anyone really wants a good job and income, then getting a degree - for most students is a mediocre route.

There is a correlation between how happy a student is and whether they have a sexual partner or not.
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JSTLjack
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
I think - generally - the people that are still virgins in their mid twenties will care that they haven't been in a sexual relationship yet.

I know that anecdotally speaking, with a sample size of over 100, every university student or graduate that I've ever known that was a virgin has longed very much for the day that they will find someone to love them.
It's a very fundamental human desire.

For the OP, I'd say that about half of the students that started my uni course were virgins going into it. And the majority of the ones who weren't had such minimal experience of sex and relationships that there was nothing of use that you could learn from them about this subject.

We all have to start somewhere. And uni is a great place to start your sexual and relationship apprenticeship.

As a big tip, move away from the parental home when you go to uni.
And use the first day at uni as a great day to reinvent yourself. Into a more positive, outgoing, can do will do, let's treat life as one big adventure version of yourself.
You are making a lot of assumptions there, my friends who are still virgins are very comfortable with who they are. We are a vey sex positive group of people, which includes understanding that sex is put on too high of a pedestal. It is the societal pressures that creates these feelings of inadequacy, not the lack of sexual interactions themselves. Realising that sex and even romance isn't the core root of happiness is one of the most liberating experiences you can have. As people grow and mature and achieve success in other aspects of life, sex becomes an added bonus, not a key focus or goal.

If someone tried to belittle anyone because they haven't had sex, I think any mature adults would think it to be pathetic. In all honesty losing your virginity is perhaps one of life's biggest anti-climaxes.

An important formative experience for me was meeting my old a cappella group director - she identified as asexual. As someone who grew up in a very macho and hypersexualised Latin American background, it was something I had never come across before. Completely broke this perception I had that sexual desire was an integral part of human existence, when it really isn't.

I agree with your advice to the OP in terms of moving out of home and understanding that everyone has to start somewhere. Though trying to reinvent yourself is something I usually warn against. Fresh starts are great and most people definitely will grow as people during university, but don't try to be something you're not or 'be who you've always wanted to be' - it creates way too much pressure to be an idealised version of yourself. In reality some people take a while to settle in to university life or feel comfortable enough to meet new people.

I would say see university as the start of a new chapter of your life and take each experience as it comes. Make the most of the opportunities to meet people, join societies and of course do your actual degree !
Last edited by JSTLjack; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #2
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I'm sure you'll have opportunities to have sex and find a partner at uni. Most people I know did.

As for me, well I graduated this year a kissless virgin and something I'm still very much hung up about
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