Anonymous #1
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Hi guys

So me and partner have been together for almost a year now but we are not sexually active and want to wait until marriage. Anyways he asked if he could touch my bum a couple of times and I have avoided answering the question but I got the courage to say no I’m not comfortable with that just yet . We linked the next week and he touched my bum anyways ( a couple times)

For example , he’d sit right next to me and touch my bum and not let go and made me feel very at unease . He’s asked me if he can down on me a couple of times but I’ve also said no and now he wants to book a hotel room? I told him I don’t see the point of booking a hotel room and he accused me of being scared and not trusting him which actually to an extent is true . What’s your thoughts on this ?

We have the same beliefs about waiting until marriage so I don’t understand why he’s suggesting all these things and ignoring my request ? It’s actually a turn off for me and I don’t want to feel uncomfortable like that and it’s making me see him in a different way . On top of this he is overly clingy and overly protective .

Also when I post stories on my insta with my face I have some guys pop up to my story with heart emojis or fire emojis this really angers him and he messages them to say don’t dm my girl . Is that normal ? He knows about this because he has my password to my account and I do as well . He’s also banned me from following the opposite sex because he doesn’t want men looking at me . He also doesn’t let girls follow him but tbh I couldn’t care less if girls followed him

I one time had the discussion with him about the bum stuff and I explained I’m not comfortable with him touching my bum he replied saying if that’s the case I won’t say I love you anymore . He said that if I’m going to restrict physical intimacy then he’ll restrict “ emotional intimacy “ . He says I love you now but is it normal to even threaten that?

What’s your thoughts on what I should do ? What’s your thoughts on him and everything I’ve said ?

Sorry for the long post guys. Please help your girl out 😭
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ItsStarLordMan
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#2
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Hi. I think some of this is a bit weird. He needs to understand thag if you've asked him not to do something, that's doesn't mean he has to restrict emotional intimacy.

I can see- to an extent- where he is coming from with the guys messaging you with fire emojis and stuff, but I do think he is overreactimg a bit by messaging them. It could be jealousy and insecurity. Why does he have your password?

I know that people will straight away suggest break up, but I think you guys just need to sit down and have a proper chat. You need to go through all of these things that are bothering you and sort it out and don't move on from the conversation until it's absolutely sorted out.

I hope this helps. Good luck!
Last edited by ItsStarLordMan; 1 month ago
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persephone_
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Seconding the above - the only other thing I would add is that it is actively abusive and very much a red flag to deliberately and specifically withhold affection and intimacy because a partner isn't giving you something you want.
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ItsStarLordMan
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(Original post by persephone_)
Seconding the above - the only other thing I would add is that it is actively abusive and very much a red flag to deliberately and specifically withhold affection and intimacy because a partner isn't giving you something you want.
Agreed. That's kind of what I meant at the start, but you put it best.

Also, he isn't allowed to touch you if you've said you don't like it or don't want him to.
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Anonymous #2
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Hey,

My boyfriend is honestly the same.. like we aren't sexually active or anything but always asks for nudes or to see me.. I am really self conscious and he claims that I don't love him and that I don't trust him anymore.. we both want to save sex until marriage but he wants me to give him bjs etc..

all I can say to you is do you really love him, and can you picture your life with him in the long term?? if so, try to explain that you don't want to rush things through.. you can be slightly sexual with him like cuddling, kissing etc. but obviously don't have sex and don't do something against your will..

stay consistent in your beliefs, and be willing to compromise (be flexible)
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by persephone_)
seconding the above - the only other thing i would add is that it is actively abusive and very much a red flag to deliberately and specifically withhold affection and intimacy because a partner isn't giving you something you want.
leave him!!!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by persephone_)
Seconding the above - the only other thing I would add is that it is actively abusive and very much a red flag to deliberately and specifically withhold affection and intimacy because a partner isn't giving you something you want.
He tells me I’m abusive when I don’t say I love you to him when I’m upset . Is that abusive in your opinion ?
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Anonymous #1
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Guys do you think he doesn’t respect me when I say don’t touch my bum but he does Anyways when we link ? I didn’t give consent and it honestly annoys me . He sits right next me and doesn’t let go of my bum and this happens in restaurants btw . I ask him to sit opposite to me but sits next to me to do exactly that .....
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chopingirl
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He sounds really immature playing tit for tat saying he won't tell you he loves you, that's not normal at all. He's trying to punish you for something he is supposed to respect - that you don't want physical intimacy yet. I think if you want to wait till marriage you were right to not have sex with this creep because he doesn't sound like the one for marriage...I think you should find someone more mature and respectful and less controlling. Are you both Christians?
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shak101
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Not accepting your decisions and having your password are the main issues here. Neither of them okay imo.
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persephone_
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He tells me I’m abusive when I don’t say I love you to him when I’m upset . Is that abusive in your opinion ?
I don't think this is entirely the point, or indeed that not saying you love someone because you don't feel like it in one moment is quite the same as him spitefully creating this 'you won't let me do something sexual with you, so I won't express emotional affection' kind of blackmail situation.

From the information you've given I would say the relationship seems toxic and you need to sit down and discuss your issues with a counsellor if possible, and call it off if he won't act like a respectful adult instead of like he feels entitled to your body in exchange for affection.
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Anonymous #3
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Why don’t you just marry then, but not officially.
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Admit-One
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Almost every single aspect of the OP's boyfriends behaviour sounds dreadful. Complete, utter garbage behaviour.
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OceanCat
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Sounds like a douche.
Tell him you both agreed to wait until marriage, that includes everything. If anyone then changes this they should let the other know instead of trying to force them to do something which goes against thier principles and makes them uneasy and uncomfortable. Say this sort of behaviour makes you want to pull away rather than grow closer.
I understand he doesn't want others looking at you etc but he is totally going the wrong way about it. He cannot control you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
Sounds like a douche.
Tell him you both agreed to wait until marriage, that includes everything. If anyone then changes this they should let the other know instead of trying to force them to do something which goes against thier principles and makes them uneasy and uncomfortable. Say this sort of behaviour makes you want to pull away rather than grow closer.
I understand he doesn't want others looking at you etc but he is totally going the wrong way about it. He cannot control you.
With the guys that dm me they haven’t said anything horrible for him to message them because for all they know I might be single but he won’t let me message them either . For example if a man compliments me I’m not allowed to say thank you that’s disrespectful to him but I don’t see how ? I air creepy messages but a harmless emoji that doesn’t mean much ? He’s pushing it no?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Why don’t you just marry then, but not officially.
That doesn’t make sense and wouldn’t work for us
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OceanCat
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(Original post by Anonymous)
With the guys that dm me they haven’t said anything horrible for him to message them because for all they know I might be single but he won’t let me message them either . For example if a man compliments me I’m not allowed to say thank you that’s disrespectful to him but I don’t see how ? I air creepy messages but a harmless emoji that doesn’t mean much ? He’s pushing it no?
Personally I don't think you should reply to them with even a thank you tbh. But hey my views are different on this, I think a guy using that emoji on a girl they don't even know is objectifying, and I don't see why any girl would want that for herself. Although it is nice and maybe satisfying to know you still got it and you still can lookgood or even hot, I would expect you don't need peoples confirmation for that, especially not strangers.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by shak101)
Not accepting your decisions and having your password are the main issues here. Neither of them okay imo.
Well actually it all started when I found out he was speaking to some girls during the first month we was speaking and he was speaking to us all in a romantic sense . I think he was keeping his options open but I found it rude and disrespectful that he didn’t let me know he was talking to other girls as I told him clearly from the start I’m not going to speak to a guy who is speaking to multiple girls as well.

He then randomly gave me his password so I don’t have to not trust him and I was reluctant for him to give it in the first place but he gave it Anyways and I gave mine in exchange
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Admit-One
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He then randomly gave me his password so I don’t have to not trust him and I was reluctant for him to give it in the first place but he gave it Anyways and I gave mine in exchange
But that's not trust. That's giving up a bit of personal privacy in exchange for the other person policing your interactions with other people.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
Personally I don't think you should reply to them with even a thank you tbh. But hey my views are different on this, I think a guy using that emoji on a girl they don't even know is objectifying, and I don't see why any girl would want that for herself. Although it is nice and maybe satisfying to know you still got it and you still can lookgood or even hot, I would expect you don't need peoples confirmation for that, especially not strangers.
I don’t want it obviously but it’s not like I show my body anyways it’s just my face . I actually haven’t replied to any guys before who sent me emojis even before him . It’s just the fact he made it a condition to not reply at all and if I do it’s very disrespectful to him you know what I mean ? It’s that part I don’t get
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