I feel so overwhelmed worn out and stressed

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travis2708
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I think this year has completely wrecked peoples lives, and i just want to say what the actual **** are we suppose to do!

Ive spent the last year of my life trying to get a job, I’m 17 and it’s time for me to start earning so I can run my car get a flat and basically be able to financially stable
My mum struggles with money atm and im tryna help, My stepdad is emotionally abusive and toxic to my family and I just want to move out,

Im only in college 1 day a week now because of the Covid, And I just think it’s all a bit of a pisstake im not getting any satisfaction in my education atm and it’s so hard to stay motivated and consistent,

Over a year ago I attempted suicide and I was in a really bad place, I spent a year healing and trying to get my life to the point where I am happy and can cope waking up everyday, But I feel just like I did the last time, I just feel life is so worthless but Ik it isn’t my life has a lot of value and I couldn’t do that to my family again, But the thought crosses my mind every minute of the day, I’ve spoke to counsellors and people just don’t seem to want to listen, Sometimes I don’t even want to talk about my feelings I either just want a hug or a distraction but we can’t even do that now ffs, Haven’t been able to see my grandma in nearly a year and it just destroys me and my family, My mums a frontline worker she’s a nurse, And every night she comes home and I can just see pain in her eyes, She just looks so worn out and tired, I’m really scared about my future and the future of this country, I said this to my mum and she said well tbh im glad your worried about your future because that shows responsibility, My sister doesn’t care about her future she just goes with the flow, And she’s pretty happy with her friends and herself, I mean I don’t know if that’s the case but the future doesn’t seem to worry or phase her, But my constant anxiety and worry is destroying my mental health, To make matters worse the lump on my neck has come back after two years, And that’s what happens when I get really stressed, the last time that happened my throat closed up and I couldn’t breath for what felt like an hour but was only a few seconds, It was so scary and im paranoid it will happen again, Ik this is so confusing for most people who read this and im just ranting, But I have no way of structuring my thoughts or feelings because they’re all over the place at the moment,

The only thing that helps me is smoking, I mean it’s not really helping my physical health, But it relaxes me and it’s something to do when I’m anxious or stressed, A coffee and a cigarette with some music on is my idea of heaven, And at the moment I can’t afford to smoke, now I spend long nights worrying and overthinking which makes me crave a cigarette, And then I get so upset I just cry,

I think everyone has a bad habit that helps them mentally or it doesn’t even have to be a bad one, It could me cooking, or listening to music or drawing. I mean I love playing the piano but I don’t have the time to do so because my stepdad hates it when I play and drags me down, Ive been playing piano since the age of 6 and I am very passionate about it. I feel like it’s the only part of me that still makes me want to be alive and my family of course, I can feel myself losing interest in piano and that is destroying me immensely,

So all their is to do is do my college work on two hours of sleep or stare at a wall, and if I’m lucky I can just sit on my porch and have a cigarette, It’s not like I smoke a lot. I can have about 4 or 5 cigs a day and be able to make a pack last a few days sometimes a week, It’s just nice to have something that helps you I guess weather it’s unhealthy or not, I’ve tried replacing cigs for a vape and it’s just not the same. so I need to find a solution to that, possibly a healthier habit but it’s just so hard to quit when I’ve been smoking 5 years since I was 13,


I don’t know im sorry for the paragraph I just hope someone reads this and understands, You don’t even have to say anything I just hope maybe someone could relate or feel better that they’re not the only one

Life isn’t fair for anyone and we all have our issue, I’m just unfortunately one of the millions of people who have had a **** upbringing, What ive said might not sound so bad. But that’s because I haven’t told you my traumatic past, but I’ve been told to leave the past in the past and just live in the present, so that’s what I’m doing ranting about whats going on rn, I hope this helps someone in any sort of way, I’m not looking for sympathy but I would appreciate some down to earth true advice

Thank You so much if you have read this far!
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capibara11
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I understand. I am in the same situation, very similar to the one you were describing. You can try the app I am using - GG Self Care, it helps me feel better about myself and accept myself no matter how I'm feeling. The most important thing in my opinion is to look at what can help you and not get too deep into the rest.Smoking helps you because it gives you a moment with yourself, although smoking isn't good, some research found that smokers can have better social interactions at work for example. You can take these moments to yourself, but instead of smoking just reflect and have a cup of tea or something...
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