It's Not You, It's Me

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
My boyfriend and I have been friends for about a while and recently started dating. I really liked him and was really into the whole relationship thing at first but my unresolved childhood traumas are kind of getting in the way and I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. He's very affectionate and caring but, due to my deep-rooted emotional issues, I'm not good at reciprocating. We even had a talk where he said he felt that he bothers me a lot and that I'm kind of cold at times. These are things that won't change immediately and I need time and space to work on them.

I think it would be better for us to break up but we live together with our friends in a shared house and I don't want to make things awkward. I'm not known for being empathetic but I really don't want to hurt him; so how should I go about it?
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YaliaV123
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Is there any chance you could move out? It’s going to be awkward if you live together.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by YaliaV123)
Is there any chance you could move out? It’s going to be awkward if you live together.
Nope 😅 my contract is for two years
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YaliaV123
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Nope 😅 my contract is for two years
Does he know about your childhood traumas? He knows you can be distant, so I would just be honest with him. Tell him that you would like to remain friends, but please don’t actually use the line in the title. Be succinct and as gentle as you can be.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by YaliaV123)
Does he know about your childhood traumas? He knows you can be distant, so I would just be honest with him. Tell him that you would like to remain friends, but please don’t actually use the line in the title. Be succinct and as gentle as you can be.
Not really. He heard a bit about it from when I was drunk one night (since I'm a chatty/honest drunk) but he doesn't know the full details. I have thought about being open with him but honestly, I don't feel comfortable. We are very awkward with other and conversation doesn't really flow well between the two of us; so I don't even want to imagine how having a deep conversation like that would go.

As far as what I will say, note taken about not saying what my title says. I will try be clear but not brutal. Thank youuuuu 😊
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Moonlight rain
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Ooooh I love that song
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YaliaV123
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Not really. He heard a bit about it from when I was drunk one night (since I'm a chatty/honest drunk) but he doesn't know the full details. I have thought about being open with him but honestly, I don't feel comfortable. We are very awkward with other and conversation doesn't really flow well between the two of us; so I don't even want to imagine how having a deep conversation like that would go.

As far as what I will say, note taken about not saying what my title says. I will try be clear but not brutal. Thank youuuuu 😊
You can just say that you have unresolved issues. I’m sure everything will be fine and you will find someone that you really connect with eventually. Good luck! 😊
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candydiva
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Y are u trying to ostrich when u diagnosed the remedy directly and clearly? U stated

"I think it would be better for us to break up"

It seems strange to me how many ppl stll call guys their "bf"s when clearly they want to/intend to break up, know this is their preferred choice, and yet remain in the rel. There r for sure other guys who know girls have inertia in cases like this and these other guys may well be more suited for rel with u....they wonder y u remain when you feel as above. I can assure u that not everyone is sufficiently obtuse to be unaware of how u feel towards him prolly he has some idea as well.
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lamplightcandle
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i think it’s important to be honest but kind. like others have said, i wouldn’t use the “it’s not you it’s me” line but do explain that you don’t feel it’s fair to hold him in a relationship when you aren’t emotionally or mentally available to fulfil what he wants out of a relationship. as you will be living together, i’d acknowledge how a breakup would of course be hard on him and make it really clear you’ll still be there for him as a friend (if that’s what you see in your future) but that you just aren’t ready for something romantic. really do wish you all the best <3
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Anonymous #1
#10
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(Original post by candydiva)
Y are u trying to ostrich when u diagnosed the remedy directly and clearly? U stated

"I think it would be better for us to break up"

It seems strange to me how many ppl stll call guys their "bf"s when clearly they want to/intend to break up, know this is their preferred choice, and yet remain in the rel. There r for sure other guys who know girls have inertia in cases like this and these other guys may well be more suited for rel with u....they wonder y u remain when you feel as above. I can assure u that not everyone is sufficiently obtuse to be unaware of how u feel towards him prolly he has some idea as well.
Yeah, u right 😅 I'm a people pleaser so I hate that it's come to this. I'm really being extra
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Moonlight rain)
Ooooh I love that song
Lool I wasn't even referencing anything but thanks for the plug. This song slaps!
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Moonlight rain
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Lool I wasn't even referencing anything but thanks for the plug. This song slaps!
You got ittttttt, queen!!!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by lamplightcandle)
i think it’s important to be honest but kind. like others have said, i wouldn’t use the “it’s not you it’s me” line but do explain that you don’t feel it’s fair to hold him in a relationship when you aren’t emotionally or mentally available to fulfil what he wants out of a relationship. as you will be living together, i’d acknowledge how a breakup would of course be hard on him and make it really clear you’ll still be there for him as a friend (if that’s what you see in your future) but that you just aren’t ready for something romantic. really do wish you all the best <3
Thank you 🙌🏾 this is great advice
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