So my fiance (26F) sent me (28M) this message today..how can I improve?

''I do think I am a feminist- I occasionally watch videos of like random celebs who get asked weird sexist questions and then responding and I agree with whag they say and get triggered by weird questions people get asked like would I rather prefer makeup or a phone- such a sexist question and it gets me annoyed.I think it is important to be a reasonably strong woman, definitely with a husband by your side but being strong either way is very important, that way you don’t feel so reliant in a marriage. I’m happy with the way our relationship is, you generally let me do my own thing although you could improve in giving me a bit more space to work if I’ll be totally honest. I’m glad you’re happy with my attitude because like I said the other day- it is possible to be nice but also assertive. Being a woman and assertive doesn’t mean you’re a bad woman etc you’re allowed to be both and I think I can be both.With regards to you, you’re definitely super clingy and need my approval (I think I may be wrong) in a lot of the decisions that you make. I would say you ask for my opinion a lot more than I expected and rely on me emotionally much more than I anticipated and share your feeling more than a normal guy would I presume. It helps me because it lets me completely be myself because yes I can be a bit of a diva and a brat and a lot sometimes but it’s great that you’re very understanding and accepting of me and my personality. I don’t need to hide anything from you. And now can fully be myself knowing that you love regardless x''

I am trying to figure how I can improve, or if I am being a good supportive partner (which is all I want to be).Would appreciate a few thoughts on how to interpret this? Thanks all!

(edited 3 years ago)

Reply 1

HoldThisL

okay well he clearly supports you, this sounds pretty gentle

but at the same time, he is definitely at odds with your clinginess and its one of those things that can easily end a relationship

i don't know what you feel like your doing, but he's probably wondering why you need him half the time. for example, you ask him something and he thinks 'why does she not work it out for herself?'. you should seek more esteem from yourself, however you interpret that

Reply 2

WilB

Original post by HoldThisL

he? I'm the guy posting haha

Reply 3

HoldThisL

Original post by WilB

he? I'm the guy posting haha

sorry didn't bother reading that deeply LMAO

Reply 4

999tigger

Original post by WilB

''I do think I am a feminist- I occasionally watch videos of like random celebs who get asked weird sexist questions and then responding and I agree with whag they say and get triggered by weird questions people get asked like would I rather prefer makeup or a phone- such a sexist question and it gets me annoyed.I think it is important to be a reasonably strong woman, definitely with a husband by your side but being strong either way is very important, that way you don’t feel so reliant in a marriage. I’m happy with the way our relationship is, you generally let me do my own thing although you could improve in giving me a bit more space to work if I’ll be totally honest. I’m glad you’re happy with my attitude because like I said the other day- it is possible to be nice but also assertive. Being a woman and assertive doesn’t mean you’re a bad woman etc you’re allowed to be both and I think I can be both.With regards to you, you’re definitely super clingy and need my approval (I think I may be wrong) in a lot of the decisions that you make. I would say you ask for my opinion a lot more than I expected and rely on me emotionally much more than I anticipated and share your feeling more than a normal guy would I presume. It helps me because it lets me completely be myself because yes I can be a bit of a diva and a brat and a lot sometimes but it’s great that you’re very understanding and accepting of me and my personality. I don’t need to hide anything from you. And now can fully be myself knowing that you love regardless x''I am trying to figure how I can improve, or if I am being a good supportive partner (which is all I want to be).Would appreciate a few thoughts on how to interpret this? Thanks all!

She is basically saying because you arent macho and relatively weak, then you give her the space to be herself which she likes. I think you are doing ok and could be a lot worse. Importnatly she feels comfortable to develop and foster her own aspirations, which she wasnt expecting. There is scope, but no point explaining as imo you are more likely to do damage than continuing the way you are. Presumably a lot of this is culture based. Just carry on listening and being supportive.

Reply 5

WilB

Original post by 999tigger

I'll do just that! Thanks :smile:

Reply 6

Dunnig Kruger

When it comes to improving yourself, as a general guideline, take no notice of what anyone else says.

Take full notice of what you tell yourself.

Self improvement should be a continuous, never ending process.
It also includes giving yourself the green light to make mistakes. To try different things and to see how they work out. Sometimes they will. Sometimes they won't. Either way it's a learning experience.
But above all, you know yourself better than anyone else. And it's your life. Your journey.

If she, as she says acts like a diva or a brat, you should assess whether she does this too often. Nobody's perfect. But if that sort of behaviour is a habit of hers, the best change you can make is to walk away from her.
You want a wife that will be an adult partner. You don't want a wife that's like the sort of child that Supernanny used to be called in to sort out.

One thing that stands out from her message is the overall tone. Her message is too much about her, her, her. And when she does get on to speaking about you, too much of it is negative, or from the point of view of what you can do for her.

The impression that I get is that if you marry her you will be a henpecked husband.

Reply 7

Surnia

If you can't figure out from that message how you can improve, you shouldn't be asking a bunch of random strangers on the internet; you should be having that conversation with your fiancee.