Too reliant on bf

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Anonymous #1
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Hey, I hope everyone reading this is okay.

I've got a problem and I just don't know what to do. I'll try and keep it short as possible, but basically the gist is I'm way too reliant on my boyfriend. Whatever his emotions are will determine what mine are, and I feel uneasy if we don't speak much in a day. It scares me because I don't know what I'd do without him, or even if he was just really busy for a couple days and had to reduce contact. I also get incredibly jealous and possessive, but I try not to let this interfere too much and would never consciously put him in a tough position because of it.

I really love him, and I've talked to him every single day for well over a year. I had a really big crush on him when we were friends and ever since then I've pretty much based myself around him. When we were friends he used to just call at night, so I'd make myself available from like 9pm onwards. In lockdown I missed online lessons because I'd rather speak to him. I'd do anything for him. I think romantic love has always been big for me, but I'm getting really concerned. I'm anxious all the time because I feel like if I lose him I'll have nothing left, and it gets to the point where I literally can't see how I would live without him.

I'm aware my attitudes and behaviours are toxic, and perhaps verging on dangerous, but I don't know how I would change them. Has anyone else managed to improve themselves, or has anyone just got ideas about how I can better myself in regards to this?
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HoldThisL
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I feel uneasy if we don't speak much in a day. It scares me because I don't know what I'd do without him, ... I also get incredibly jealous and possessive

... I'm anxious all the time because I feel like if I lose him I'll have nothing left ...
as you said, it's bad behaviour. how do you feel knowing you are this person?
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username5492676
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey, I hope everyone reading this is okay.

I've got a problem and I just don't know what to do. I'll try and keep it short as possible, but basically the gist is I'm way too reliant on my boyfriend. Whatever his emotions are will determine what mine are, and I feel uneasy if we don't speak much in a day. It scares me because I don't know what I'd do without him, or even if he was just really busy for a couple days and had to reduce contact. I also get incredibly jealous and possessive, but I try not to let this interfere too much and would never consciously put him in a tough position because of it.

I really love him, and I've talked to him every single day for well over a year. I had a really big crush on him when we were friends and ever since then I've pretty much based myself around him. When we were friends he used to just call at night, so I'd make myself available from like 9pm onwards. In lockdown I missed online lessons because I'd rather speak to him. I'd do anything for him. I think romantic love has always been big for me, but I'm getting really concerned. I'm anxious all the time because I feel like if I lose him I'll have nothing left, and it gets to the point where I literally can't see how I would live without him.

I'm aware my attitudes and behaviours are toxic, and perhaps verging on dangerous, but I don't know how I would change them. Has anyone else managed to improve themselves, or has anyone just got ideas about how I can better myself in regards to this?
It sounds like you are in love Just don't miss online lessons and make time to spend with other friends/family as well.
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y.18b
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you need to detach yourself. asap. this is unhealthy. you are your own person and you are a queen you should NEVER be reliant on anyone because they can turn on you at any point. DETACHHH SISS
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by HoldThisL)
as you said, it's bad behaviour. how do you feel knowing you are this person?
I never thought it would get this bad but I just don’t know how to change it

(Original post by Isabella:))
It sounds like you are in love Just don't miss online lessons and make time to spend with other friends/family as well.
Aw, this is actually a really sweet answer - thank you!

(Original post by y.18b)
you need to detach yourself. asap. this is unhealthy. you are your own person and you are a queen you should NEVER be reliant on anyone because they can turn on you at any point. DETACHHH SISS
I do sometimes get scared and want to push him away, but I really love him too much 😅
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OceanCat
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The you need to find other things which interest you, things that make you rely on him less, other things to occupy your time, even if it be talking with other friends, playing games. You need to set yourself goals and stick to them e.g. not missing school as that will affect you.
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username5492676
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I never thought it would get this bad but I just don’t know how to change it


Aw, this is actually a really sweet answer - thank you!


I do sometimes get scared and want to push him away, but I really love him too much 😅
Why not involve him with your friends and family? That way you would being doing other things/meeting other people without pushing him away (lockdown rules notwithstanding).
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
The you need to find other things which interest you, things that make you rely on him less, other things to occupy your time, even if it be talking with other friends, playing games. You need to set yourself goals and stick to them e.g. not missing school as that will affect you.
That sounds reasonable. I have tried to stick to lessons more this time and I think I’ve been doing better that way. Other interests is probably a must at this point though.

(Original post by Isabella:))
Why not involve him with your friends and family? That way you would being doing other things/meeting other people without pushing him away (lockdown rules notwithstanding).
That might be a good idea too. He gets on very well with my family so it could work!
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candydiva
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U are very right... u sense wat is happening. U need not distance but decoupling in some ways....like establishing a more independent life outside of him. This is rlly important for ur future not just for now. SoulfulTwist is right on.

I am sorry I don't think this rel will last coz nobody can live with the level of insecurity that u describe and tbh u have some serious issues but neither will any other rel u pursue until u address the root issues inside. U r just not ready for a rel with this type of dependence and it will kill every rel unless it is reduced to more sane levels. There is nothing cute or loving about the level of projection and jealousy I feel in ur post.

U may have clinical depression coz it can manifest in this total desperation in a rel and inability to see urself functioning outside of it.
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LovelyMrFox
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Like post 6 said you need to find better ways to invest your time. Do you have many friends other than your boyfriend?

(Original post by candydiva)
U may have clinical depression coz it can manifest in this total desperation in a rel and inability to see urself functioning outside of it.
Clinical depression over a bit of clingy-ness? Thats a ridiculous far out claim with nothing to back it up, very unhelpful to the OP who has already mentioned they are worried.
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candydiva
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Dude did u read wat OP wrote and the depth of feeling and concern she xpressed?

" it gets to the point where I literally can't see how I would live without him.
I'm aware my attitudes and behaviours are toxic, and perhaps verging on dangerous, but I don't know how I would change them."

This is strong for self-analysis. From my pov this far exceeds "a bit of over-clinginess." I serve as a peer counselor at my own U's Student Heath resource center and I did get some training in this area of student mental health prior to being authorized to handle cases last year. If OP called me at night to discuss this concern of hers I'd flag this as a Level 2. Someone who self-diagnoses her attitudes as "toxic and verging on dangerous" recognizes impulses that are not within normal relationship management bounds. Females generally don't over-dramatize their feelings during these reveals. As a general observation mental health issues are underdiagnosed among uni students in part because of a culture that seeks to minimize concerns and normalize strong feelings of despair such as those articulated by OP.

I didn't say for sure but several notification thresholds are exceeded and I'd seek a case manager referral/consult for depression on this if it came to me in my campus job. At the least a consult would eliminate the possibility but if it is clinical then meds can be very effective in lifting the curtain.
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LovelyMrFox
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(Original post by candydiva)
Dude did u read wat OP wrote and the depth of feeling and concern she xpressed?

" it gets to the point where I literally can't see how I would live without him.
I'm aware my attitudes and behaviours are toxic, and perhaps verging on dangerous, but I don't know how I would change them."

This is strong for self-analysis. From my pov this far exceeds "a bit of over-clinginess." I serve as a peer counselor at my own U's Student Heath resource center and I did get some training in this area of student mental health prior to being authorized to handle cases last year. If OP called me at night to discuss this concern of hers I'd flag this as a Level 2. Someone who self-diagnoses her attitudes as "toxic and verging on dangerous" recognizes impulses that are not within normal relationship management bounds. Females generally don't over-dramatize their feelings during these reveals. As a general observation mental health issues are underdiagnosed among uni students in part because of a culture that seeks to minimize concerns and normalize strong feelings of despair such as those articulated by OP.

I didn't say for sure but several notification thresholds are exceeded and I'd seek a case manager referral/consult for depression on this if it came to me in my campus job. At the least a consult would eliminate the possibility but if it is clinical then meds can be very effective in lifting the curtain.
Obviously I did. They seem to just lack a life outside their relationship.
You do not know OP. Clingyness in whatever form can be caused from many things. Hinting at diagnosing them through the internet with something as drastic as 'you may have clinical depression uwu' is not helpful in the slightest nor is is constructive advice. If anything the fact that you're trained in the field makes me more concerned at the level of irresponsibility your post shows.
Last edited by LovelyMrFox; 1 month ago
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candydiva
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Ur opinion and mine will differ.... I hope OP can find some way forwards coz it sounds hard.
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OceanCat
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(Original post by Anonymous)
That sounds reasonable. I have tried to stick to lessons more this time and I think I’ve been doing better that way. Other interests is probably a must at this point though.


That might be a good idea too. He gets on very well with my family so it could work!
You really need to learn to give him space and have a life of your own aside the relationship or you are just going to push him away.
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Final Fantasy
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I think when one is too emotionally reliant on their partner in the way you've described then it becomes more of a toxic relationship. It's like an addiction actually. You've gotta learn to invest your time in your own hobbies and a bit more time with your family and friends. Sometimes just taking a step back and doing other things helps a lot in keeping a healthy relationship.
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spgirl
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maybe break up? and try to find yourself.
Last edited by spgirl; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by LovelyMrFox)
Obviously I did. They seem to just lack a life outside their relationship.
You do not know OP. Clingyness in whatever form can be caused from many things. Hinting at diagnosing them through the internet with something as drastic as 'you may have clinical depression uwu' is not helpful in the slightest nor is is constructive advice. If anything the fact that you're trained in the field makes me more concerned at the level of irresponsibility your post shows.
(Original post by candydiva)
Ur opinion and mine will differ.... I hope OP can find some way forwards coz it sounds hard.
Sorry for taking so long to reply. I wanted to include you both in this one just to say that I’m thankful for you both trying to help. I think I do have some kind of mental health problem but it’s probably anxiety? I’m on a list for mental health services actually so we’ll see eventually.

I think I do invest myself too fully in the relationship. It’s probably not my entire life as I obviously function outside of it, but it’s definitely the centre of my life.

Thank you both, even if your opinions differ. It’s nice to hear a variety.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SoulfulTwist)
You really need to learn to give him space and have a life of your own aside the relationship or you are just going to push him away.
You’re probably right. I’m going to try my best because I really want to make things work.

(Original post by Final Fantasy)
I think when one is too emotionally reliant on their partner in the way you've described then it becomes more of a toxic relationship. It's like an addiction actually. You've gotta learn to invest your time in your own hobbies and a bit more time with your family and friends. Sometimes just taking a step back and doing other things helps a lot in keeping a healthy relationship.
I definitely feel the addiction element of it. I’ll try to take your advice, thank you!

(Original post by spgirl)
maybe break up? and try to find yourself.
I appreciate the advice but I really don’t think I could manage. Thank you though.
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Anonymous #2
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You seem to have lost yourself and you’re very attached to him, at some point it can cause a major problem if not fixed, but it’s great that you have recognised it and are willing to do something to change that.

Try find doing things that you enjoy by yourself so like a hobby.
When he texts you try not to reply straight away, give like 10 minutes and find something to do for those 10 minutes. Remember he is busy, and you are allowed to be busy as well!
Always remember you lived perfectly fine on your own before you met him, so if anything were to happen it you would be fine, and that you DON’T NEED A MAN TO RELY ON FOR YOUR HAPPINESS!
Just take it step by step and see how that goes
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You seem to have lost yourself and you’re very attached to him, at some point it can cause a major problem if not fixed, but it’s great that you have recognised it and are willing to do something to change that.

Try find doing things that you enjoy by yourself so like a hobby.
When he texts you try not to reply straight away, give like 10 minutes and find something to do for those 10 minutes. Remember he is busy, and you are allowed to be busy as well!
Always remember you lived perfectly fine on your own before you met him, so if anything were to happen it you would be fine, and that you DON’T NEED A MAN TO RELY ON FOR YOUR HAPPINESS!
Just take it step by step and see how that goes
It’s really nice to hear this kind of constructive advice so thank you!

Literally the thought of not texting back straight away worries me a bit haha, but I might try that. Hobbies definitely seem to be a must, based on everybody’s advice here.

I appreciate you saying that. I really don’t see how I’d cope but I suppose logically I would. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that!

Thank you so much. I hope you have a great night.
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