coping mechanisms for a problematic roomate at uni?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I'm currently a 2nd year doing English.

the situation:

we got this lovely house as first years, all good friends after our horrible experience living in halls with other awful people in first year. One of the girls, let's call her Kat? Unfortunately has a breakdown, and we support her. She decides to transfer to a uni closer to her hometown and focus on her mental health. We support her and keep in contact with her, and we offer to look for a new housemate for her because she was very stressed about it and we honestly loved her and wanted to take the weight off her shoulders.

Unfortunately in May, Kat, sends us nasty texts over the summer, claiming we were 'more concerned with finding a new housemate' than her, and that actually she is not going to transfer, but will still move in with us as planned and 'will not be friends with you for my own mental health because you guys didn't react how i wanted you to'. I react calmly and ask her why she's doing this and that we are her friends, but the texts continue.

Before we move in, Kat makes a fuss about paying for the WIFI, spamming me with texts why she shouldn't have to pay (which is absolutely beyond me!) to the point where, unfortunately I had to use the fact that my name is on the bill/contract of the WIFI and I can cut her access to it if she doesn't pay. Obviously it sounds horrible but she can't expect to move into the house and use WIFI without contributing to the bill. Even after how nasty she was being, we kept her updated about the wifi situation and she kept on asking constantly for screenshots of the bill and for what?

Me and my friend move in, and she talks to us like nothing happened between us. I don't go out of my way to be nasty to others, so I remain civil, replying to her if spoken to, even fake smiling, all of that jazz and keeping to myself.

One night, conveniently just before uni starts, she goes out with our other mutual friends who basically strongly urge she should apologise for all the things she's said and how she's been carrying on. I always said I would respect her if she apologised, which I do but can't help feeling this apology was forced, especially convenient as well as me and this girl do the same course and uni was starting soon.

I actually made the effort to forget all that had gone on, but me and the other girl noticed she is inconsiderate. She will run downstairs each time she has to go downstairs, stomping at every step and missing steps purposefully so she can jump down the stairs. She will murmur to herself, come in late from society meetings and always excessively slam doors. We both separately asked her to keep the noise down, and especially to stop slamming doors - I've even asked her to just catch her bedroom door or the front door on her way out, but this is continually ignored. Sometimes she will make a mess in the house, and when confronted about it she will deny it is her. Now, in a house of 3 it is VERY obvious - not like sharing with 9 others in halls. I leave my blinds open most of the time and since I am in the downstairs room, all I have to do is glance to the right slightly and I can actively see who is cooking or who is in the kitchen. She will also actively deny noise is her such as deciding to cook at midnight (I have told her when I go to bed as well, or I am trying to sleep because I have 6 hours of lectures the next morning, etc), even though I shouldn't have to provide reasons why I'm entitled to some sleep), and it still goes on. I have suggested she cook earlier as my room is right next to the kitchen or pre prepare something to eat like a sandwich so there isn't so much banging around), but I 100% can tell the difference in footsteps which can probably give you an idea of how loud she's being. Obviously, it's very hard to pretend to be friends with someone when you are getting no sleep, and I have officially given up politely asking her to be quiet, only to be met with confrontation or her saying "well it's hard for me to be quiet? how am i supposed to be quiet? it wasn't me cooking in the kitchen" when I clearly opened my door and saw her cooking at 1 in the morning. No matter how many times I have tried, she just will not compromise or acknowledge she is making that much noise.

There have been a couple of times during the pretending to be friends phase/remaining civil for all our sanities phase where she has gone out of her way to ask me if I got enough sleep. I say no, you were making a lot of noise last night, I didn't sleep well, to which she already knows as I ask her to be quiet when noise incidents occur, and she will keep the conversation going as if nothing happened. Which is just odd

I could complain to my landlord but I doubt it is their job to put up with this stuff so I think I will just have to stick it through. This person unfortunately constantly forgets they live with other people, takes a bath for over an hour every night, and hogs the bathroom repeatedly for half an hour each morning and throws tantrums when she isn't the first to get in the bath or isn't the only one in the kitchen. Whenever I occasionally decide to take a bath, despite seeing the door is closed and the light in the bathroom is on, she will try the door multiple times, start murmuring to herself and stomp back to her room and slam the door, despite us two not complaining about her long, daily baths. We just find this very odd because she has lived with people before.

She has opted not to live with us next year, which I expected anyway, thankfully. We had a viewing last Friday for a girl interested in the house (which she was informed of well ahead of time). Me and the other girl worked hard the day before to clean the house, and the morning before the girl and the landlord came for the viewing. Unfortunately, she cooked the night before and made a mess in the kitchen, and I politely asked her to clean it up and she denied it was her. So I had to clean it up. How would you feel if you were viewing a house and going to live with two girls you don't know and you see that the kitchen is a complete tip? She also didn't wake up until less than an hour before they arrived for the viewing - me and the other girl could hear her banging and thumping about trying to tidy up her room. I can't help but feel like she was trying to ruin the viewing.

It is getting to the point where I feel very unsafe, and I actively go out of my way to make sure we don't cross paths. I obviously don't know what she is thinking, but feel she feels she is entitled to act the way that she has because she has had a 'long summer' as she described when she apologised. I have tried to have sympathy as much as possible, but unfortunately the lack of sleep, heart palpitations and the constant distress from the noise and anticipating the noise too are catching up with me and I am genuinely scared how much I can take. I feel I am getting so lightheaded sometimes I just have to drop. This situation is making me very depressed and I don't know how much more I can take. And I am scared when lockdown gets lifted because it will be 10x worse. I have had to start counselling again because this situation is really pushing me and my mental health to my limit.
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999tigger
Badges: 19
#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm currently a 2nd year doing English.

the situation:

we got this lovely house as first years, all good friends after our horrible experience living in halls with other awful people in first year. One of the girls, let's call her Kat? Unfortunately has a breakdown, and we support her. She decides to transfer to a uni closer to her hometown and focus on her mental health. We support her and keep in contact with her, and we offer to look for a new housemate for her because she was very stressed about it and we honestly loved her and wanted to take the weight off her shoulders.

Unfortunately in May, Kat, sends us nasty texts over the summer, claiming we were 'more concerned with finding a new housemate' than her, and that actually she is not going to transfer, but will still move in with us as planned and 'will not be friends with you for my own mental health because you guys didn't react how i wanted you to'. I react calmly and ask her why she's doing this and that we are her friends, but the texts continue.

Before we move in, Kat makes a fuss about paying for the WIFI, spamming me with texts why she shouldn't have to pay (which is absolutely beyond me!) to the point where, unfortunately I had to use the fact that my name is on the bill/contract of the WIFI and I can cut her access to it if she doesn't pay. Obviously it sounds horrible but she can't expect to move into the house and use WIFI without contributing to the bill. Even after how nasty she was being, we kept her updated about the wifi situation and she kept on asking constantly for screenshots of the bill and for what?

Me and my friend move in, and she talks to us like nothing happened between us. I don't go out of my way to be nasty to others, so I remain civil, replying to her if spoken to, even fake smiling, all of that jazz and keeping to myself.

One night, conveniently just before uni starts, she goes out with our other mutual friends who basically strongly urge she should apologise for all the things she's said and how she's been carrying on. I always said I would respect her if she apologised, which I do but can't help feeling this apology was forced, especially convenient as well as me and this girl do the same course and uni was starting soon.

I actually made the effort to forget all that had gone on, but me and the other girl noticed she is inconsiderate. She will run downstairs each time she has to go downstairs, stomping at every step and missing steps purposefully so she can jump down the stairs. She will murmur to herself, come in late from society meetings and always excessively slam doors. We both separately asked her to keep the noise down, and especially to stop slamming doors - I've even asked her to just catch her bedroom door or the front door on her way out, but this is continually ignored. Sometimes she will make a mess in the house, and when confronted about it she will deny it is her. Now, in a house of 3 it is VERY obvious - not like sharing with 9 others in halls. I leave my blinds open most of the time and since I am in the downstairs room, all I have to do is glance to the right slightly and I can actively see who is cooking or who is in the kitchen. She will also actively deny noise is her such as deciding to cook at midnight (I have told her when I go to bed as well, or I am trying to sleep because I have 6 hours of lectures the next morning, etc), even though I shouldn't have to provide reasons why I'm entitled to some sleep), and it still goes on. I have suggested she cook earlier as my room is right next to the kitchen or pre prepare something to eat like a sandwich so there isn't so much banging around), but I 100% can tell the difference in footsteps which can probably give you an idea of how loud she's being. Obviously, it's very hard to pretend to be friends with someone when you are getting no sleep, and I have officially given up politely asking her to be quiet, only to be met with confrontation or her saying "well it's hard for me to be quiet? how am i supposed to be quiet? it wasn't me cooking in the kitchen" when I clearly opened my door and saw her cooking at 1 in the morning. No matter how many times I have tried, she just will not compromise or acknowledge she is making that much noise.

There have been a couple of times during the pretending to be friends phase/remaining civil for all our sanities phase where she has gone out of her way to ask me if I got enough sleep. I say no, you were making a lot of noise last night, I didn't sleep well, to which she already knows as I ask her to be quiet when noise incidents occur, and she will keep the conversation going as if nothing happened. Which is just odd

I could complain to my landlord but I doubt it is their job to put up with this stuff so I think I will just have to stick it through. This person unfortunately constantly forgets they live with other people, takes a bath for over an hour every night, and hogs the bathroom repeatedly for half an hour each morning and throws tantrums when she isn't the first to get in the bath or isn't the only one in the kitchen. Whenever I occasionally decide to take a bath, despite seeing the door is closed and the light in the bathroom is on, she will try the door multiple times, start murmuring to herself and stomp back to her room and slam the door, despite us two not complaining about her long, daily baths. We just find this very odd because she has lived with people before.

She has opted not to live with us next year, which I expected anyway, thankfully. We had a viewing last Friday for a girl interested in the house (which she was informed of well ahead of time). Me and the other girl worked hard the day before to clean the house, and the morning before the girl and the landlord came for the viewing. Unfortunately, she cooked the night before and made a mess in the kitchen, and I politely asked her to clean it up and she denied it was her. So I had to clean it up. How would you feel if you were viewing a house and going to live with two girls you don't know and you see that the kitchen is a complete tip? She also didn't wake up until less than an hour before they arrived for the viewing - me and the other girl could hear her banging and thumping about trying to tidy up her room. I can't help but feel like she was trying to ruin the viewing.

It is getting to the point where I feel very unsafe, and I actively go out of my way to make sure we don't cross paths. I obviously don't know what she is thinking, but feel she feels she is entitled to act the way that she has because she has had a 'long summer' as she described when she apologised. I have tried to have sympathy as much as possible, but unfortunately the lack of sleep, heart palpitations and the constant distress from the noise and anticipating the noise too are catching up with me and I am genuinely scared how much I can take. I feel I am getting so lightheaded sometimes I just have to drop. This situation is making me very depressed and I don't know how much more I can take. And I am scared when lockdown gets lifted because it will be 10x worse. I have had to start counselling again because this situation is really pushing me and my mental health to my limit.
Ok read it. V long but you at least used paragraphs.

You shouldnt have to put up with it,
If you hide and exist as is then she will carry on, is you need to confront and work out what to do and how.
Need to think about it, but the key is being assertive without backing her into a corner, your other flatmate and whether you fancy hitting the nuclear button.

Let me think on it.

Ps staying in same place next year?
Are you prepared to ask her to leave and find someone else in a cv19 environment?
Last edited by 999tigger; 1 month ago
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2500_2
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#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm currently a 2nd year doing English.

the situation:

we got this lovely house as first years, all good friends after our horrible experience living in halls with other awful people in first year. One of the girls, let's call her Kat? Unfortunately has a breakdown, and we support her. She decides to transfer to a uni closer to her hometown and focus on her mental health. We support her and keep in contact with her, and we offer to look for a new housemate for her because she was very stressed about it and we honestly loved her and wanted to take the weight off her shoulders.

Unfortunately in May, Kat, sends us nasty texts over the summer, claiming we were 'more concerned with finding a new housemate' than her, and that actually she is not going to transfer, but will still move in with us as planned and 'will not be friends with you for my own mental health because you guys didn't react how i wanted you to'. I react calmly and ask her why she's doing this and that we are her friends, but the texts continue.

Before we move in, Kat makes a fuss about paying for the WIFI, spamming me with texts why she shouldn't have to pay (which is absolutely beyond me!) to the point where, unfortunately I had to use the fact that my name is on the bill/contract of the WIFI and I can cut her access to it if she doesn't pay. Obviously it sounds horrible but she can't expect to move into the house and use WIFI without contributing to the bill. Even after how nasty she was being, we kept her updated about the wifi situation and she kept on asking constantly for screenshots of the bill and for what?

Me and my friend move in, and she talks to us like nothing happened between us. I don't go out of my way to be nasty to others, so I remain civil, replying to her if spoken to, even fake smiling, all of that jazz and keeping to myself.

One night, conveniently just before uni starts, she goes out with our other mutual friends who basically strongly urge she should apologise for all the things she's said and how she's been carrying on. I always said I would respect her if she apologised, which I do but can't help feeling this apology was forced, especially convenient as well as me and this girl do the same course and uni was starting soon.

I actually made the effort to forget all that had gone on, but me and the other girl noticed she is inconsiderate. She will run downstairs each time she has to go downstairs, stomping at every step and missing steps purposefully so she can jump down the stairs. She will murmur to herself, come in late from society meetings and always excessively slam doors. We both separately asked her to keep the noise down, and especially to stop slamming doors - I've even asked her to just catch her bedroom door or the front door on her way out, but this is continually ignored. Sometimes she will make a mess in the house, and when confronted about it she will deny it is her. Now, in a house of 3 it is VERY obvious - not like sharing with 9 others in halls. I leave my blinds open most of the time and since I am in the downstairs room, all I have to do is glance to the right slightly and I can actively see who is cooking or who is in the kitchen. She will also actively deny noise is her such as deciding to cook at midnight (I have told her when I go to bed as well, or I am trying to sleep because I have 6 hours of lectures the next morning, etc), even though I shouldn't have to provide reasons why I'm entitled to some sleep), and it still goes on. I have suggested she cook earlier as my room is right next to the kitchen or pre prepare something to eat like a sandwich so there isn't so much banging around), but I 100% can tell the difference in footsteps which can probably give you an idea of how loud she's being. Obviously, it's very hard to pretend to be friends with someone when you are getting no sleep, and I have officially given up politely asking her to be quiet, only to be met with confrontation or her saying "well it's hard for me to be quiet? how am i supposed to be quiet? it wasn't me cooking in the kitchen" when I clearly opened my door and saw her cooking at 1 in the morning. No matter how many times I have tried, she just will not compromise or acknowledge she is making that much noise.

There have been a couple of times during the pretending to be friends phase/remaining civil for all our sanities phase where she has gone out of her way to ask me if I got enough sleep. I say no, you were making a lot of noise last night, I didn't sleep well, to which she already knows as I ask her to be quiet when noise incidents occur, and she will keep the conversation going as if nothing happened. Which is just odd

I could complain to my landlord but I doubt it is their job to put up with this stuff so I think I will just have to stick it through. This person unfortunately constantly forgets they live with other people, takes a bath for over an hour every night, and hogs the bathroom repeatedly for half an hour each morning and throws tantrums when she isn't the first to get in the bath or isn't the only one in the kitchen. Whenever I occasionally decide to take a bath, despite seeing the door is closed and the light in the bathroom is on, she will try the door multiple times, start murmuring to herself and stomp back to her room and slam the door, despite us two not complaining about her long, daily baths. We just find this very odd because she has lived with people before.

She has opted not to live with us next year, which I expected anyway, thankfully. We had a viewing last Friday for a girl interested in the house (which she was informed of well ahead of time). Me and the other girl worked hard the day before to clean the house, and the morning before the girl and the landlord came for the viewing. Unfortunately, she cooked the night before and made a mess in the kitchen, and I politely asked her to clean it up and she denied it was her. So I had to clean it up. How would you feel if you were viewing a house and going to live with two girls you don't know and you see that the kitchen is a complete tip? She also didn't wake up until less than an hour before they arrived for the viewing - me and the other girl could hear her banging and thumping about trying to tidy up her room. I can't help but feel like she was trying to ruin the viewing.

It is getting to the point where I feel very unsafe, and I actively go out of my way to make sure we don't cross paths. I obviously don't know what she is thinking, but feel she feels she is entitled to act the way that she has because she has had a 'long summer' as she described when she apologised. I have tried to have sympathy as much as possible, but unfortunately the lack of sleep, heart palpitations and the constant distress from the noise and anticipating the noise too are catching up with me and I am genuinely scared how much I can take. I feel I am getting so lightheaded sometimes I just have to drop. This situation is making me very depressed and I don't know how much more I can take. And I am scared when lockdown gets lifted because it will be 10x worse. I have had to start counselling again because this situation is really pushing me and my mental health to my limit.
Sadly assuming you have a joint and several tenancy fixed until June or July, there's not a great deal you can do that you haven't already. It's always a toss-up in a shared house as to how compatible you are, and you've got an extreme example. However it doesn't sound like she doing anything that would enable you to break the tenancy.
Your uni may offer mediation support - worth asking them - ideally you'd try for an agreed flatmates contract but you'll need someone to facilitate that sort of discussion. But other than that, at this point I'd suggest your best approach is to remain polite, buy some noise-cancelling headphones, work in the library when you can and look forward to the end of the tenancy.
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#4
(Original post by 999tigger)
Ok read it. V long but you at least used paragraphs.

You shouldnt have to put up with it,
If you hide and exist as is then she will carry on, is you need to confront and work out what to do and how.
Need to think about it, but the key is being assertive without backing her into a corner, your other flatmate and whether you fancy hitting the nuclear button.

Let me think on it.

Ps staying in same place next year?
Are you prepared to ask her to leave and find someone else in a cv19 environment?
I have tried to be assertive, she is aware of the problem, even asking me if I got enough sleep. I can't help but feel she is doing this on purpose. I know people will skip over this so thanks so much for reading, though the length was needed to properly explain the situation.

I feel very alone and very distressed, and believe me I have tried to look past the noise issues and things but I think this is coming from she thinks she is the only person going through things. I have depression, which she knows anyway. I am staying in the same place next year and she is moving. But what I don't get is why it's so hard for her to be quiet in the meantime, she acts as if she is not aware.
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999tigger
Badges: 19
#5
Report 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
I have tried to be assertive, she is aware of the problem, even asking me if I got enough sleep. I can't help but feel she is doing this on purpose. I know people will skip over this so thanks so much for reading, though the length was needed to properly explain the situation.

I feel very alone and very distressed, and believe me I have tried to look past the noise issues and things but I think this is coming from she thinks she is the only person going through things. I have depression, which she knows anyway. I am staying in the same place next year and she is moving. But what I don't get is why it's so hard for her to be quiet in the meantime, she acts as if she is not aware.
Well theres only a few explanations.
1. Its deliberate. and she knows what she is doing or doesnt care.
2. Its an accident and she will change.


Clearly you have to show its 1 as with 2 she will change.
How about swapping rooms?
Would you be better off in a bigger house with more friends i.e 5-7 house?
Have a look at the tenancy agreement and covenants of tenants to each other.
Maybe you are going to have to get soem ear plugs if not ready to confront directly?
Is their only one toilet?

The other flatmate is key.
Plus you are going to have to have a house meeting for a chance to agree some ground rules.
If she is breaking down then maybe she wont come back after Christmas?
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