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GCSE English Lang Paper 1 question 5 - Can anyone have a look at this please ?

Screen Shot 2020-11-29 at 00.03.03.png

Creative Writing

Here I am; standing in front of the tall, gloomy and sinister-looking building (who's ten times bigger than me), being wrapped around by a long pair of dull; lifeless and never-ending deadly branches covering in from head to toe. Almost as if it was suffocating the house itself! These branches looked more like a pair of hands being elongated, to captivate anyone who dares to come here, by creating an unwelcoming and gloomy atmosphere rather than a warm and welcoming one.

The mansion, or perhaps should I say the grotesque looking figure who's striving to turn my nightmares into reality?

The house looked abandoned and lifeless and uncared. Suddenly something caught my attention. The windows were all boarded up as if what was inside was too terrible to see. But that won't stop me from finding out who lives inside it.

And as always the curiosity got the best of me...

I walked towards the forbidden place, being surrounded by an endless chain of a long brittle fence, shielding the house and acting as its guardian angel. I started getting closer to it until an unbearable; rusty; metallic scent hit my nose, making me feel nauseous. It was at this point where I was about to throw up, but I endured the discomfort; stayed resilient till I surpassed the fence, making my way towards the door.

As I was walking, my eyes were swaying from side to side in search of any clue of where I was. But all I could see was a garden full of lifeless plants, and those who still managed to survive were bound to die sooner or later...Dying in a slow and painless death.

At least it's better to die in a painless death, rather than suffering in agony right?

Once I reached the handle of the door, I pushed while making an involuntary jump behind as the wooden door opened with a clicking sound, followed by continuous creaks, forcing myself to cover up my ears before that bloody sound turns me deaf.

I stood there silently, as my mind was flooded with millions of questions, where they soon shifted into transforming themself into a box. Releasing all of my insecurities and fears as my heart was beating wildly.

The atmosphere was so intense that I could feel my heart beating a range of never-ending percussive in every single pound of my chest. It started pounding faster and faster until I could hear a non-stop percussive of drum rolls, not only through my ears but also feel it through the veins in my throat. It might sound disgusting to you but not going to lie it was an amazing yet an awful experience...

Soon it started raining, a drop followed by another until an ocean of sadness was formed leaving me soaked from top to toe. Washing away all strength and filling me up with fears and insecurities.

A flash of lightning struck shining so bright, clearing the sky, but obviously, that was just temporary. It was so bright that I had to cover my eyes with both of my swollen hands, preventing it from blinding me completely. Then covering my ears quickly as soon as the light vanished followed by a loud banging noise.

The unsupportable banging noise started to increase as my vision started to become hazier. I ended up falling as my legs became weaker, unable to support me and eventually I ended up getting a bruised arm.


<< Alysia! Wake up! >> - said a familiar voice as it kept ringing in my ears. I looked around with eyes full of hope...but no one was there. It was only me, the house and the complete silence...




[ 40 marks ]
(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by ᴋ-ᴘᴏᴘ ꜰᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ
Screen Shot 2020-11-29 at 00.03.03.png

Creative Writing

Here I am; standing in front of the tall, gloomy and sinister-looking building (who's ten times bigger than me), being wrapped around by a long pair of dull; lifeless and never-ending deadly branches covering in from head to toe. Almost as if it was suffocating the house itself! These branches looked more like a pair of hands being elongated, to captivate anyone who dares to come here, by creating an unwelcoming and gloomy atmosphere rather than a warm and welcoming one.

The mansion, or perhaps should I say the grotesque looking figure who's striving to turn my nightmares into reality?

The house looked abandoned and lifeless and uncared. Suddenly something caught my attention. The windows were all boarded up as if what was inside was too terrible to see. But that won't stop me from finding out who lives inside it.

And as always the curiosity got the best of me...

I walked towards the forbidden place, being surrounded by an endless chain of a long brittle fence, shielding the house and acting as its guardian angel. I started getting closer to it until an unbearable; rusty; metallic scent hit my nose, making me feel nauseous. It was at this point where I was about to throw up, but I endured the discomfort; stayed resilient till I surpassed the fence, making my way towards the door.

As I was walking, my eyes were swaying from side to side in search of any clue of where I was. But all I could see was a garden full of lifeless plants, and those who still managed to survive were bound to die sooner or later...Dying in a slow and painless death.

At least it's better to die in a painless death, rather than suffering in agony right?

Once I reached the handle of the door, I pushed while making an involuntary jump behind as the wooden door opened with a clicking sound, followed by continuous creaks, forcing myself to cover up my ears before that bloody sound turns me deaf.

I stood there silently, as my mind was flooded with millions of questions, where they soon shifted into transforming themself into a box. Releasing all of my insecurities and fears as my heart was beating wildly.

The atmosphere was so intense that I could feel my heart beating a range of never-ending percussive in every single pound of my chest. It started pounding faster and faster until I could hear a non-stop percussive of drum rolls, not only through my ears but also feel it through the veins in my throat. It might sound disgusting to you but not going to lie it was an amazing yet an awful experience...

Soon it started raining, a drop followed by another until an ocean of sadness was formed leaving me soaked from top to toe. Washing away all strength and filling me up with fears and insecurities.

A flash of lightning struck shining so bright, clearing the sky, but obviously, that was just temporary. It was so bright that I had to cover my eyes with both of my swollen hands, preventing it from blinding me completely. Then covering my ears quickly as soon as the light vanished followed by a loud banging noise.

The unsupportable banging noise started to increase as my vision started to become hazier. I ended up falling as my legs became weaker, unable to support me and eventually I ended up getting a bruised arm.


<< Alysia! Wake up! >> - said a familiar voice as it kept ringing in my ears. I looked around with eyes full of hope...but no one was there. It was only me, the house and the complete silence...




[ 40 marks ]

Did you write this under exam conditions, may I ask
Original post by ᴋ-ᴘᴏᴘ ꜰᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ
Screen Shot 2020-11-29 at 00.03.03.png

Creative Writing

Here I am; standing in front of the tall, gloomy and sinister-looking building (who's ten times bigger than me), being wrapped around by a long pair of dull; lifeless and never-ending deadly branches covering in from head to toe. Almost as if it was suffocating the house itself! These branches looked more like a pair of hands being elongated, to captivate anyone who dares to come here, by creating an unwelcoming and gloomy atmosphere rather than a warm and welcoming one.

The mansion, or perhaps should I say the grotesque looking figure who's striving to turn my nightmares into reality?

The house looked abandoned and lifeless and uncared. Suddenly something caught my attention. The windows were all boarded up as if what was inside was too terrible to see. But that won't stop me from finding out who lives inside it.

And as always the curiosity got the best of me...

I walked towards the forbidden place, being surrounded by an endless chain of a long brittle fence, shielding the house and acting as its guardian angel. I started getting closer to it until an unbearable; rusty; metallic scent hit my nose, making me feel nauseous. It was at this point where I was about to throw up, but I endured the discomfort; stayed resilient till I surpassed the fence, making my way towards the door.

As I was walking, my eyes were swaying from side to side in search of any clue of where I was. But all I could see was a garden full of lifeless plants, and those who still managed to survive were bound to die sooner or later...Dying in a slow and painless death.

At least it's better to die in a painless death, rather than suffering in agony right?

Once I reached the handle of the door, I pushed while making an involuntary jump behind as the wooden door opened with a clicking sound, followed by continuous creaks, forcing myself to cover up my ears before that bloody sound turns me deaf.

I stood there silently, as my mind was flooded with millions of questions, where they soon shifted into transforming themself into a box. Releasing all of my insecurities and fears as my heart was beating wildly.

The atmosphere was so intense that I could feel my heart beating a range of never-ending percussive in every single pound of my chest. It started pounding faster and faster until I could hear a non-stop percussive of drum rolls, not only through my ears but also feel it through the veins in my throat. It might sound disgusting to you but not going to lie it was an amazing yet an awful experience...

Soon it started raining, a drop followed by another until an ocean of sadness was formed leaving me soaked from top to toe. Washing away all strength and filling me up with fears and insecurities.

A flash of lightning struck shining so bright, clearing the sky, but obviously, that was just temporary. It was so bright that I had to cover my eyes with both of my swollen hands, preventing it from blinding me completely. Then covering my ears quickly as soon as the light vanished followed by a loud banging noise.

The unsupportable banging noise started to increase as my vision started to become hazier. I ended up falling as my legs became weaker, unable to support me and eventually I ended up getting a bruised arm.


<< Alysia! Wake up! >> - said a familiar voice as it kept ringing in my ears. I looked around with eyes full of hope...but no one was there. It was only me, the house and the complete silence...




[ 40 marks ]


Original post by Bookworm_88
Did you write this under exam conditions, may I ask

Yes but there was 10 mins difference.
Original post by ᴋ-ᴘᴏᴘ ꜰᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ


Creative Writing

Here I am; standing in front of the tall, gloomy and sinister-looking building (who's ten times bigger than me), being wrapped around by a long pair of dull; lifeless and never-ending deadly branches covering in from head to toe. Almost as if it was suffocating the house itself! These branches looked more like a pair of hands being elongated, to captivate anyone who dares to come here, by creating an unwelcoming and gloomy atmosphere rather than a warm and welcoming one.

The mansion, or perhaps should I say the grotesque looking figure who's striving to turn my nightmares into reality?

The house looked abandoned and lifeless and uncared. Suddenly something caught my attention. The windows were all boarded up as if what was inside was too terrible to see. But that won't stop me from finding out who lives inside it.

And as always the curiosity got the best of me...

I walked towards the forbidden place, being surrounded by an endless chain of a long brittle fence, shielding the house and acting as its guardian angel. I started getting closer to it until an unbearable; rusty; metallic scent hit my nose, making me feel nauseous. It was at this point where I was about to throw up, but I endured the discomfort; stayed resilient till I surpassed the fence, making my way towards the door.

As I was walking, my eyes were swaying from side to side in search of any clue of where I was. But all I could see was a garden full of lifeless plants, and those who still managed to survive were bound to die sooner or later...Dying in a slow and painless death.

At least it's better to die in a painless death, rather than suffering in agony right?

Once I reached the handle of the door, I pushed while making an involuntary jump behind as the wooden door opened with a clicking sound, followed by continuous creaks, forcing myself to cover up my ears before that bloody sound turns me deaf.

I stood there silently, as my mind was flooded with millions of questions, where they soon shifted into transforming themself into a box. Releasing all of my insecurities and fears as my heart was beating wildly.

The atmosphere was so intense that I could feel my heart beating a range of never-ending percussive in every single pound of my chest. It started pounding faster and faster until I could hear a non-stop percussive of drum rolls, not only through my ears but also feel it through the veins in my throat. It might sound disgusting to you but not going to lie it was an amazing yet an awful experience...

Soon it started raining, a drop followed by another until an ocean of sadness was formed leaving me soaked from top to toe. Washing away all strength and filling me up with fears and insecurities.

A flash of lightning struck shining so bright, clearing the sky, but obviously, that was just temporary. It was so bright that I had to cover my eyes with both of my swollen hands, preventing it from blinding me completely. Then covering my ears quickly as soon as the light vanished followed by a loud banging noise.

The unsupportable banging noise started to increase as my vision started to become hazier. I ended up falling as my legs became weaker, unable to support me and eventually I ended up getting a bruised arm.


<< Alysia! Wake up! >> - said a familiar voice as it kept ringing in my ears. I looked around with eyes full of hope...but no one was there. It was only me, the house and the complete silence...




[ 40 marks ]

What I like is the range of vocab. with different sentence types and beginning to use different language techniques

General areas of improvement: try and vary your paragraph lengths with perhaps some one word sentences/ minor sentences etc. If you have time og over it and read for any SPAG errors and make sure it makes sense.

Overall, a good piece with some language techniques and starting to develop a coherent piece. Just make sure you proof read, as I think SPAG is 16 marks, and my teacher always gave us these hints. Start off with a minor sentence, develop the plot, introduce dialogue (if you feel comfortable in writing it, as the grammar for writing dialogue is specific) and then climax, use minor sentence and then cliff-hanger.
Original post by Bookworm_88
What I like is the range of vocab. with different sentence types and beginning to use different language techniques

General areas of improvement: try and vary your paragraph lengths with perhaps some one word sentences/ minor sentences etc. If you have time og over it and read for any SPAG errors and make sure it makes sense.

Overall, a good piece with some language techniques and starting to develop a coherent piece. Just make sure you proof read, as I think SPAG is 16 marks, and my teacher always gave us these hints. Start off with a minor sentence, develop the plot, introduce dialogue (if you feel comfortable in writing it, as the grammar for writing dialogue is specific) and then climax, use minor sentence and then cliff-hanger.

Thank you so much! Oh, and what would u give me out of 40?
Original post by ᴋ-ᴘᴏᴘ ꜰᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ
Thank you so much! Oh, and what would u give me out of 40?

I couldn't say, sorry :redface:
It's only because I don't know the mark scheme well enough and I don't have the general experience.
Perhaps you could try your English teacher, or just any teacher in your English faculty?
Reply 6
While I did get 40/40 in my actual GCSE exam, it's been a while since I wrote a short story under exam conditions. My creative writing at A Level was also pretty close to full marks. I'm a little harsh, and my marking might be a little rusty. I'm also a little tired as I type this. Thus, I enjoin you to take my criticism with a pinch of salt. I'm also going to use AQA's mark scheme.

AO5

Your diction is apt and modestly erudite. Your tone, style and register all reflect this Gothic setting and are generally appropriate (barring a few more informal parts like when you are ‘not going to lie’, which felt a little out of place for me), and I can easily understand the creative ideas that you are communicating. Your writing contains a lot of description and some metaphors, but I feel that maybe you could do with some repetition or a simile.

I can clearly understand that the narrator is approaching this haunted house, but I struggle to see their reason for doing so, and I don't really see the point in reading about what they do as a result. Also, I think I see some examples of exposition in place of actual narrative (e.g. explaining the atmosphere that the branches created and explicitly mentioning an injury). This makes your writing less engaging and almost makes me feel as if you believe that I wouldn't be able to infer these details.

AO6

Some of your punctuation choices are questionable. First, you use semi-colons in the wrong places (e.g. in lists of adjectives). You then seem to use a question mark in the third paragraph when I think it would have been better off as a declarative sentence. You also use parentheses in the first paragraph's description, which I would deem unnecessary. I only think the ellipses are effectual in this piece.

You sometimes don't use Standard British English. You treat the modifier ‘percussive’ as a noun several times, which is extremely grating for me.

From what I can see, your spelling is flawless.

My final mark: 26/40 (15/24 for AO5 and 11/16 for AO6)
(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by Tolgash
While I did get 40/40 in my actual GCSE exam, it's been a while since I wrote a short story under exam conditions. My creative writing at A Level was also pretty close to full marks. I'm a little harsh, and my marking might be a little rusty. I'm also a little tired as I type this. Thus, I enjoin you to take my criticism with a pinch of salt. I'm also going to use AQA's mark scheme.

AO5

Your diction is apt and modestly erudite. Your tone, style and register all reflect this Gothic setting and are generally appropriate (barring a few more informal parts like when you are ‘not going to lie’, which felt a little out of place for me), and I can easily understand the creative ideas that you are communicating. Your writing contains a lot of description and some metaphors, but I feel that maybe you could do with some repetition or a simile.

I can clearly understand that the narrator is approaching this haunted house, but I struggle to see their reason for doing so, and I don't really see the point in reading about what they do as a result. Also, I think I see some examples of exposition in place of actual narrative (e.g. explaining the atmosphere that the branches created and explicitly mentioning an injury). This makes your writing less engaging and almost makes me feel as if you believe that I wouldn't be able to infer these details.

AO6

Some of your punctuation choices are questionable. First, you use semi-colons in the wrong places (e.g. in lists of adjectives). You then seem to use a question mark in the third paragraph when I think it would have been better off as a declarative sentence. You also use parentheses in the first paragraph's description, which I would deem unnecessary. I only think the ellipses are effectual in this piece.

You sometimes don't use Standard British English. You treat the modifier ‘percussive’ as a noun several times, which is extremely grating for me.

From what I can see, your spelling is flawless.

My final mark: 26/40 (15/24 for AO5 and 11/16 for AO6)

Thank you very much! ^^
Reply 8
Original post by ᴋ-ᴘᴏᴘ ꜰᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ
Thank you very much! ^^

You're welcome. I'll always try to help on here if I have the time and energy. :smile:
(edited 3 years ago)

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