Journey to my own idendityWatch
Anon because I can't be myself if I have a username attached to it, I feel like I have to hide things and lie, or make up stuff that isn't true to make others like me. Can call it attention seeking. But I don't enjoy it in the longterm.
I'll just be writting random thought, feelings etc.... to help me find myself.
There is only one rule which I must abide by: Do not lie. Think twice before posting - is this actually true? Are you making this up in your head?
The thing is, eventhough I feel this way, I still lied this morning, to make the situation seem worse when I actually had the option to break that vicious cycle why you do this all the time.
Next time you get the chance, break it. Just do it. It won't make you smaller.
I regret last night. But it felt good. I regret saying this also. Or should I say feel ashamed. Yes that's a better word.
My family might be suspicious if I do it now.
Not just family, other people as well.
This is so freeing. No judgment. Although I sitll feel a bit hesitant to type in full details, because what if someone finds out this is me? It will so embarassing, I'd dig myself into a hole and disappear
I'm gonna call it SHc - my secret habit. Behaviour. Whatever it is called.
I won't. I'll stop myself. Need to get busy.
Go eat, do work, listen to something. Forget the world exists. You need anyone to make you feel good, better, appreciated, loved or whatever. You are enough. More than Enough. You can through this!
Won't next time.
Have you ever lied so much that it became a reality in your head? I have. And that's what i'm trying to get out of.
First time, chance.
Second time chance again.
3rd time, which is tomorrow, if its the same then I have that and I will accept and make changes in my life.
I can do this.
But no, my adrenals are too tired to release cortisol. Great, I'll just eat and chill and maybe do work later.
Breathe, calm down. Get busy. Phone off.