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So I have a friend who is the main carer for her mum - her mum has a severe disability. She lives with her grandma and her two uncles (she has no dad btw). She does all the housework and cooking for her family. She can never study at home because she's always constantly doing work. She is NOT allowed to go to public spaces like public libraries or shops and cannot stay after school either.

By the time she finishes her housework it's midnight and she usually has to start her housework at 6am.

Today she was crying and telling me that she can't cope anymore because of the fact that she has to do housework every five minutes and never has time to study for her A Levels. She constantly has to clean up after her uncles who always leave mess everywhere and never clean up after themselves. If she tells them that they need to clean after themselves they shout at her and get her into trouble. Same thing with her grandma, her grandma would get moody every time when my friend would tell her that she needs to study and can't do housework. She feels that she can't study for more than half a day because of it.

I was wondering what advice I could give her to help her with her situation?
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Abzzz57
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I have a friend who is the main carer for her mum - her mum has a severe disability. She lives with her grandma and her two uncles (she has no dad btw). She does all the housework and cooking for her family. She can never study at home because she's always constantly doing work. She is NOT allowed to go to public spaces like public libraries or shops and cannot stay after school either.

By the time she finishes her housework it's midnight and she usually has to start her housework at 6am.

Today she was crying and telling me that she can't cope anymore because of the fact that she has to do housework every five minutes and never has time to study for her A Levels. She constantly has to clean up after her uncles who always leave mess everywhere and never clean up after themselves. If she tells them that they need to clean after themselves they shout at her and get her into trouble. Same thing with her grandma, her grandma would get moody every time when my friend would tell her that she needs to study and can't do housework. She feels that she can't study for more than half a day because of it.

I was wondering what advice I could give her to help her with her situation?
Hi, it sounds like a really horrible and tough situation for your friend to be, I am sure she really appreciates you being there for her and just allowing her to vent/ rant at you.

I would highly recommend her talking to her teacher, she wont get in trouble and hopefully they can point her or her mum to either extra funds for more carers or a cleaner who can take the burden off of your friends shoulders. Does she have any siblings or family members she can speak to, who maybe don't realise the situation? She can also talk to childline and if she types into google young carers charity in her area it should come up with more people she can talk to and ask advice from. With that many adults in the family she should not be left with that many responsibilities especially in a really important year for her.

For you at the moment, just you being there for her and being sympathetic to her situation will really help. I hope shes okay and that she manages to get it sorted, you seem like a really good friend!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Abzzz57)
Hi, it sounds like a really horrible and tough situation for your friend to be, I am sure she really appreciates you being there for her and just allowing her to vent/ rant at you.

I would highly recommend her talking to her teacher, she wont get in trouble and hopefully they can point her or her mum to either extra funds for more carers or a cleaner who can take the burden off of your friends shoulders. Does she have any siblings or family members she can speak to, who maybe don't realise the situation? She can also talk to childline and if she types into google young carers charity in her area it should come up with more people she can talk to and ask advice from. With that many adults in the family she should not be left with that many responsibilities especially in a really important year for her.

For you at the moment, just you being there for her and being sympathetic to her situation will really help. I hope shes okay and that she manages to get it sorted, you seem like a really good friend!
Thank you xxx

The only issue is that her uncles always create a huge mess in the house and she ends up cleaning after them. If not, she gets into trouble for leaving the house unclean.

She does not want to talk to her teacher as she fears that a social worker will get involved.
She does not have any other family/other friends to talk to either. :confused:
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Anonymous #1
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Abzzz57
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you xxx

The only issue is that her uncles always create a huge mess in the house and she ends up cleaning after them. If not, she gets into trouble for leaving the house unclean.

She does not want to talk to her teacher as she fears that a social worker will get involved.
She does not have any other family/other friends to talk to either. :confused:
It does sound like a lot to deal with, I understand she wouldn't want to get social work involved but they may be able to provide assistance instead of her future being impacted any further. I think childline or the young carers website would be her best options then as its all confidential and can be anonymous. It is a hard one!
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brokestudent3
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i want to say it’s neglect but i’m not really sure it is. id tell someone at school with their permission, go to the library to study with them if any are open, just educational support overall. i’m a young carer and found it stressful too and could’ve done with a friend so the fact you’re taking steps to find out what you can do for them already means a lot!
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londonmyst
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How old is she? :confused:
Can you invite her to your home to study for a few hours a week?
Or come to her home, study with her and give her some help with the housework?

If she is under 18 what you have described sounds very disturbing.
Exploitative, controlling, neglectful and indicative of deliberate child cruelty on the part of the adults who are supposed to be looking after her.
I grew up under a similarly controlling regime surrounded by exploitative individuals and had to wait until I was 18 to escape.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by brokestudent3)
i want to say it’s neglect but i’m not really sure it is. id tell someone at school with their permission, go to the library to study with them if any are open, just educational support overall. i’m a young carer and found it stressful too and could’ve done with a friend so the fact you’re taking steps to find out what you can do for them already means a lot!
I was just wondering how you managed it?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by londonmyst)
How old is she? :confused:
Can you invite her to your home to study for a few hours a week?
Or come to her home, study with her and give her some help with the housework?
She is 17 atm. But she has to live with her grandma, mum, and uncles until she gets married; she is not allowed to leave home even if she wanted to.

I can't invite her to my home because she literally can't leave the house without her grandma's permission. She can't visit any of her friends' houses because her grandma never allows her to.
I can't visit her either because I am not a family member. :dontknow:
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brokestudent3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I was just wondering how you managed it?
my teachers knew what was going on at home so i was allowed extensions on work however my situation being a carer wasn’t as severe as your friend’s situation is :/ i helped my dad look after my little brother as my dad has depression

also, when it comes to applying for uni, make sure your friend mentions she’s a young carer in her personal statement or her reference. she’ll get contextual/reduced offers
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londonmyst
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(Original post by Anonymous)
She is 17 atm. But she has to live with her grandma, mum, and uncles until she gets married; she is not allowed to leave home even if she wanted to.

I can't invite her to my home because she literally can't leave the house without her grandma's permission. She can't visit any of her friends' houses because her grandma never allows her to.
I can't visit her either because I am not a family member. :dontknow:
The best thing that you can do for your friend is let her know that you care about her and will be always be willing to help her- whatever she decides to do.
The choice to ask for help as a 17 year old or decide to escape to freedom and end contact with those relatives as an adult must always be her own.

All the things that you have described in this thread are red light warning signs of abusive and frequently criminal conduct too.
Removing almost all freedom & trying to isolate the young person from all possible sources of external support so that they will never be able to escape the abusers that they live with and end the cycle for themselves or their children.
My childhood was almost the same, except I didn't live with anyone disabled and never planned to stick around as an adult.

My mother's ultra traditionalist family had these horrible habits for centuries- along with the use of extreme violence and arranged marriage.
So often hidden in plain sight and disguised as either family tradition, religious culture or a very controlling jealous partner with a bad temper who is "overprotective".
Wife beaters and unmarried domestic abusers attempt the same type of thing.

There is a high chance that the same relatives who won't allow her to leave the house without their permisson and force her to do all the housework won't allow her any of the freedoms every adult has once she turns 18.
Including having student loans, going to uni or choosing whether she wants to marry and if so to whom.
Trust your gut instinct and keep an eye out for any injuries.
If you ever see anything illegal happen to your friend or she texts you that it has, keep the proof and share the information with an adult professional- even anonymously.
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