just broke up with long term gf...with new found wisdom

(cliff notes at bottom)i have a qustion at the end, that i need help on, read and reply to that if nothing else please. thank you

ive learnt that there is no point in having a relationship unless your ready to settle down. its just alot of drama, stress and lost opportunites for better things for nothing. im not bitter. i dont hate women. its just logic talking. my advice to everyone bellow 25 is just dont go looking for one. stay away.

some thing id like to share....

i meet her when i was 16 turning 17, lower sixth form. we spent the standard time playing all thoes lame teenage games and crap trying to get together. what started as me just trying to get my first lay soon became some thing so much more...

during school we went through tons of drama, mainly caused by other people. i totaly lost sight of school and lessons and hadnt thought about the realistic future that i needed to think about (universities/jobs/me as a person). what could have been a really fun and enjoyable time, that i could have used to learn, develop and advance as an individual - i used instead, wrapped in my own little world around this girl. and in a sense i think she did the same. a friend who had just recently started getting really close soon became an enemy after my paranoid thoughts of him trying to hit on her. (eventually we fell out when he had already got together and are now distant. i regret this so much)

as things went on, more and more of my time was consumed by her and friends started to fade away. i lost the 'tightness' i had and i was either at home, with family or with her.

after a while came the little arguments and minor break ups that kept my mind solely fixated on her and the "relationship". i think we both did things that deserved one of us to end the relationship but we stuck at. a few friends tryed to talk sense to me, but i wasnt having any of it. i had lost total grip of logic and reason when in regards to her.

i remember times when i would go home and waste hours a way just listening to music and thinking about whats going on with us. (the early stages) and then when we were together spending hours and hours just talking and holding each other. there were times where we saw each other everyday for at least 10+ hours straight. this exact amount of time togeher went on for at least a month. we didnt get sick of each other.

i guess we both didnt have the perfect family house holds and through the conversations (which at times i thought my self to be the best part of the relationship) we realised how we needed each other so much more and understood each other. (i now know how wrong i was about this)

she liked to drink. i had started to get into bodybuilding taking health and my diet very seriously (eventualy this too fell apart - it take alot of organising and effort that i just didnt have) and so, i didnt go through the teenage phase of drinking. i myslef dont like it, and its effects. she also had more male frineds then i liked. after more drama she eventualy agreed with me, and stopped drinking and got rid of most of her guy friends. i thoguht of this as a huge acomplishment and i sign of how good we are together. (im sure she changed me in ways too) and felt even more closer.

exam period came and so did the peak of the drama. i hadnt worked most of the year but in honesty and being modest, im pretty sharp when it comes to academics (so i thought) and had left alot of the work to be done in the last few weeks. we had an argument and another "friend" got drunk and things happend. just kissing and her topless. (looking back, i really do beleive that was all that happened). this was such an emotinal blow and really did effect me, i couldnt study properly and knew i had done badly in exams.

school wasnt out for the year yet and we eventualy talked about things and got back together. a few weeks later, maybe a month, at the end of year school gathering, we had another argument and i left the party type thing that we were at. that night she made out with another guy - again she was very drunk. i had no idea and the next night i called her up and we talked for ages. i was trying to make everything better from the argument we had, touched on deep feelings, was funny and even told her a soppy song i was listening to that had lyrics that connected to our relationship and me. (she assumed i already knew about what had happened, aparently it was common knowledge).

i found out the next morning and broke up with her there and then. she was shocked thinking i was fine about it. that was it for me, i ended it. STILL not because i really wanted to, but because people in school knew and i felt my self as a man being cut down. i refused to be around her and wanted her out my life. she tryed to talk to me but i just didnt let it go anywhere at all and just moved away from her. almost a week later, at the end of a school day when she caught me alone, she broke down crying, saying she heard the song and then came out with all the feelings and emotinal baggage she felt for me. she told me she was in love with me. school finished. i saw her again.

summer was our first time. it wasnt great but it got alot better fast. (looking back, my biggest mistake. this is was caused me to think it was extra special and if i had the chance to do it all again i never would have) i went away on holiday for 2 weeks. i came back and found out she was living on her own. during my holiday our exam results were out, she got an combination of As,Bs and Cs, her mother said it wasnt good enough and she had to start paying rent to stay. with no job she left home and started waitressing. i failed completely.

she told me, during one of our break ups, she had problems at home, she wasnt carrying on with school after AS year, and had applyed for a job as a nanny abroad. the papers came and due to bad timing again, because we had the bad break up she sent off the contract. she was leaving in december. i was destrought. i didnt know what to do. i was confused and hurt. i broke up with her, knowing there was no point anymore. very soon after, i still came back. i gave in to my feelings, knowing she was still around was too much, i had to be near her.

we went through a period where everything got a much and we were questioning what were doing. each of us would desperately try to change the others mind. we lasted it out. alot of it was around her leaving. i couldnt ask her to stay, it would have increased the responsabilities of the relationship ten fold and made some many expectations and pressure.

meanwhile, i had no idea how i was going to tell my mum and dad the news of such bad results. i kept it to my slef for a while hoping i could do retakes and carry on with the A2 course. but by the time september rolled by i had to think about universites and it was becoming more then i could handle. i told my parents. we worked out the best thing to do was to retake the year. no way was i going to do that at my same school, i just couldnt have managed it. so i moved from my state school to a private one. i was away from everyone i knew and was starting afresh.

retaking classes that i found now, way too easyand worse, as i looked around the room i saw faces younger then me. that anoyed and irritaed me like mad. i couldnt beleive i had wasted so much time and let my self FAIL.

but she was still in my life. i couldnt let her go. again, another argument, she got drunk, and things happened with some guy where she worked. i found out from a girl who went to my old school. it was with her boyfriend. we talked about it and got over it.

i found out the most personal and deep things about her and her mother. she needed me more then ever. i responded, neglecting my self.

im at the new school and im not making any friends, keeping to my self, still not concentrating even though im paying shitloads for it. spending all my time with her till she left december 9th.

we talked and emailed everyday till she came back on the 22nd. by this time i was ill and hadnt left the house in over 2 weeks. i couldnt meet her straight away. i missed her during christmas but was hoping to be together for new years and before she left again on the 3rd. she lost her phone and we werent in contact properly, just through two short emails informing me she had lost her phone and that she would give me a number to where i could get hold of her. i was home alone this new years, trying to study for exams early january. i didnt do much.

I read a thread in a form of all places about things people wished they knew when they were younger. alot of it was relevent to me. i thought long and hard about our relationship. i emailed her a 3,000 word email yesterday about everything thats happened and why cant be together anymore. today i had to call her. i was doing nothing but looking at my phone and my inbox waiting for a response. she didnt give me a straight reply, maybe she was still taking it in too. she said she would email me when shes left and has time alone.

after a year of putting her before alot of things i realised that i just shouldnt have.

Cliff notes

* meet girl in school when 16.

* thought she was my the love of my life

* went through major drama, faded away from friends - lost many

* got crap grades because of her

* had to retake year and pay for school

* her mum threw her out of the house (she is crazy) and so left school

* she decided to get a job abroad, happend while we were broken up.

* was alone during new years, experianced her being away for a few weeks, shes going away again and wont be back till the summer.

* breaking up

EDIT: the WISDOM: dont have a relationship till your ready to settle down.

Scroll to see replies

Reply 20

footballhead

Im right with you relationships dont belong for these early age, i broke up with my serious girlfriend before the summer, and im still quited f'ed over it.

But one thing ive learnt is, that relationships teach you alot of about yourself, and the world. Even though it causes alot of pain, its an neccessity at one point and everyones got to go through it...

Reply 21

Harv616

Im being a fool here cause i had my first (& only) serious gf when i was 14 and that lasted 3 years.

Your a teenager, we arent ment to have long term relationships, just go out and have fun! not use any1 but u no, just have fun :biggrin:

Reply 22

Ghost

Laws

apparently her mother has a mental illness that makes her hate her children. its untreatable and gets worse with age and the person eventually becomes completely dependent on others to do every day things.

its genetic.

If you could go back in time, how would you change things? Would you never have even started going out with her? Ended it on the first break up?

Reply 23

BlackHawk

LondonBoy

at least you have learned something. Relationships in the long term are meant for when you are more mature and are looking for something but the fact you have learnt something and can see that through your heartache is very good and quite admirable.

Reply 24

thefish_uk

randdom

Same, my reasoning is if it took that long to type it is obviously important to the person.

Yup lol, I think things like this should be edited for punctuation and then moved to the Articles section so anybody can read it, with our postings converted to commends. Except nobody uses the Articles section.

But yeah there should be an extra-special archive of really effortful or good threads.

Reply 25

BlackHawk

thefish_uk

good idea! I would find that quite interesting to read through

Reply 26

homabahrami

I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a tough time. You seem to mainly focus on the negatives of the relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, but perhaps it shows how this girl was a bit of an emotional vampire- she took lots from you and didn't give you much in return. Try weighing up the pro's and con's of the relationship. Then, again, examine the pro's and try to evaluate if they really were unique to this girl or if you could possibly find that in another, more stable relationship with someone else. Goodness knows if that is any help but I wish you all the best. Keep smiling.

Reply 27

BlackHawk

I was in a hurtful relationship once that I only recently got over (we broke up two years ago) I wrote down all the pros and cons of the relationship and then I wrote down everything that is good in my life. I burned the relationship one and I keep the other one in my wallet and write something new on it everytime something good happens to me :smile:

Reply 28

Laws

Ghost

If you could go back in time, how would you change things? Would you never have even started going out with her? Ended it on the first break up?

im not a prude. im not a chump - i wasnt "love struk".

during the past year ive experianced the strongest feelings ive ever had for another person. and the truth is, id rather have saved them and my self for some one i truely love. sex and what it is, is so fuKed up today. people who think its not a big deal just cant accept they made a mistake or theres some other really trumantic, phyc-y reasoning behind why they think like that.

this may be old fashioned but i would find it so difficult knowing that my future girlfriend (or even wife) has been with some one else.

is it better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all? no, but to think you'l never love anyone at all is way overly pesemestic and i think it can happen to anyone.

ive realised that the "connection" i thought we had was nothing but over run hormones with pop culture realationship ideals from romance movies and soppy songs. the fact is EVERYONE has these problems and if anyone is willing to open up you can have that with ANYONE.

and i think i would have gone through the same thing with any girl who was intrested in me as i was with her (all it is, is the inital attraction, the rest is work done by the two of you).

truth is, very few people truely know who they are ever in thier life time, at this age, its even more blurred and ever changing.

Reply 29

Ghost

I think you have gained alot from the relationship though. If you remember your initial attitude when first going out with her, looking for your first "lay", and NOW look at your attitude towards relationships.
I think maybe in a few years you will look back to this relationship and see how much it has changed you, and be thankful for it.

Reply 30

tago_mago

i dont think you can blame her for you failing your exams

and i've had relationships at that age, without settling down, that haven't caused anything like that. I don't think its the nature of human relationships that caused all your problems, i think it's you. You have to accept responsibility for your own actions don't blame it on having a relationship.

Although i agree that having a long term relationship at that age is a bad idea, it was your choice after all, im sorry but i don't think its healthy to think of it they way you are

Reply 31

Harv616

It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all :smile:

Reply 32

Laws

tago_mago

no i totaly agree. it was me. i couldnt haddle the relationship. it was effecting every part of my life. for thoes of you who can, my experiance wouldnt apply to them. if any thing, im envious of them.

but ive found out im not alone. alot of people have gone through the same thing. sacrificing time and energy for a relationship that just isnt going to amount to anything.

wierd thing is, people could have told me all me this a million and one times and in a million different combinations with examples and trends and you knmow what? at the time, i still wouldnt have listened. i was totaly run by emotions.

Reply 33

ryma

i went through nearly the exact same thing. i didn't realise that i was such an emotional person until i had my first major relationship. it was a complete rollercoaster ride for 2 years until he dumped me incredibly cruelly and i was devastated! i think that i find it really hard to compartmentalise things and my relationship started to affect every single issue of my life, not healthy! i became almost obsessive about the relationship. note, i said rship rather than boyfriend since i think that i was more in love with the IDEA of being in love than in love with him. i would probably have felt the same way about any guy, and unfortunately picked a right w****r as the first so my heart got ripped to shreads!

my sister is the opposite, she's able to have serious relationships, but still keep it a separate entity of other aspects of her life. i guess growing up involves learning how to deal with serious relationships. i would advise to definitely concentrate on your studies, but not to spurn love altogether. perhaps for the next year or so, just make loads of friends. i find that having tonnes of friends and some close friends means that i can have fun and have people to talk about my probs, but none of the major angst that comes with a teen relationship!

Reply 34

Laws

bump for thoes who werent up at 2am lol

Reply 35

Acaila

Hey there Laws
I've just broken up with my boyfriend of 17 months. Sounds a bit like yours in some ways. Don't let a relationship that caused you pain ruin your life though. Realise that there are lessons to be learned from what happened, and carry those with you in future. You'll find someone else and your next relationship will be even stronger because of what you learned from this one.
Remember the good times as well. :smile:

{huggles} I hope you get through this :smile:

Reply 36

Butterfly

Thank you for posting this Laws.

Reply 37

ali_bongo_uk

you should apply for trisha - seems like you have a great story to tell.....

Reply 38

Loulalicious

[QUOTE="Laws"]

Cliff notes

* meet girl in school when 16.

* thought she was my the love of my life

* went through major drama, faded away from friends - lost many

* got crap grades because of her

* had to retake year and pay for school

* her mum threw her out of the house (she is crazy) and so left school

* she decided to get a job abroad, happend while we were broken up.

* was alone during new years, experianced her being away for a few weeks, shes going away again and wont be back till the summer.

* breaking up

EDIT: the WISDOM: dont have a relationship till your ready to settle down.

Sorry to hear you've had such a bad time hun- but to be honest it sounds like you had something great when you were together- please don't lose site of the fact that relationships can be great- I'm on my third serious one so I know what heartache feels like! lol! Memories make us who and what we are- and all this wonderful practice I've had will prepare me to be a better girlfriend when I reach that limit of 25 you set lol! Don't be disheartened- not all of us girls are possessive, clingy things (lol) - you might meet someone wonderful who wont demand so much of your time! I think you should aim to find a non- serious girlfriend- that way you'll have someone you can chat about your problems to and space to study. By the way sorry about your grades- maybe you should take them again- do like a home course or something! Good Luck hun!