(cliff notes at bottom)i have a qustion at the end, that i need help on, read and reply to that if nothing else please. thank you
ive learnt that there is no point in having a relationship unless your ready to settle down. its just alot of drama, stress and lost opportunites for better things for nothing. im not bitter. i dont hate women. its just logic talking. my advice to everyone bellow 25 is just dont go looking for one. stay away.
some thing id like to share....
i meet her when i was 16 turning 17, lower sixth form. we spent the standard time playing all thoes lame teenage games and crap trying to get together. what started as me just trying to get my first lay soon became some thing so much more...
during school we went through tons of drama, mainly caused by other people. i totaly lost sight of school and lessons and hadnt thought about the realistic future that i needed to think about (universities/jobs/me as a person). what could have been a really fun and enjoyable time, that i could have used to learn, develop and advance as an individual - i used instead, wrapped in my own little world around this girl. and in a sense i think she did the same. a friend who had just recently started getting really close soon became an enemy after my paranoid thoughts of him trying to hit on her. (eventually we fell out when he had already got together and are now distant. i regret this so much)
as things went on, more and more of my time was consumed by her and friends started to fade away. i lost the 'tightness' i had and i was either at home, with family or with her.
after a while came the little arguments and minor break ups that kept my mind solely fixated on her and the "relationship". i think we both did things that deserved one of us to end the relationship but we stuck at. a few friends tryed to talk sense to me, but i wasnt having any of it. i had lost total grip of logic and reason when in regards to her.
i remember times when i would go home and waste hours a way just listening to music and thinking about whats going on with us. (the early stages) and then when we were together spending hours and hours just talking and holding each other. there were times where we saw each other everyday for at least 10+ hours straight. this exact amount of time togeher went on for at least a month. we didnt get sick of each other.
i guess we both didnt have the perfect family house holds and through the conversations (which at times i thought my self to be the best part of the relationship) we realised how we needed each other so much more and understood each other. (i now know how wrong i was about this)
she liked to drink. i had started to get into bodybuilding taking health and my diet very seriously (eventualy this too fell apart - it take alot of organising and effort that i just didnt have) and so, i didnt go through the teenage phase of drinking. i myslef dont like it, and its effects. she also had more male frineds then i liked. after more drama she eventualy agreed with me, and stopped drinking and got rid of most of her guy friends. i thoguht of this as a huge acomplishment and i sign of how good we are together. (im sure she changed me in ways too) and felt even more closer.
exam period came and so did the peak of the drama. i hadnt worked most of the year but in honesty and being modest, im pretty sharp when it comes to academics (so i thought) and had left alot of the work to be done in the last few weeks. we had an argument and another "friend" got drunk and things happend. just kissing and her topless. (looking back, i really do beleive that was all that happened). this was such an emotinal blow and really did effect me, i couldnt study properly and knew i had done badly in exams.
school wasnt out for the year yet and we eventualy talked about things and got back together. a few weeks later, maybe a month, at the end of year school gathering, we had another argument and i left the party type thing that we were at. that night she made out with another guy - again she was very drunk. i had no idea and the next night i called her up and we talked for ages. i was trying to make everything better from the argument we had, touched on deep feelings, was funny and even told her a soppy song i was listening to that had lyrics that connected to our relationship and me. (she assumed i already knew about what had happened, aparently it was common knowledge).
i found out the next morning and broke up with her there and then. she was shocked thinking i was fine about it. that was it for me, i ended it. STILL not because i really wanted to, but because people in school knew and i felt my self as a man being cut down. i refused to be around her and wanted her out my life. she tryed to talk to me but i just didnt let it go anywhere at all and just moved away from her. almost a week later, at the end of a school day when she caught me alone, she broke down crying, saying she heard the song and then came out with all the feelings and emotinal baggage she felt for me. she told me she was in love with me. school finished. i saw her again.
summer was our first time. it wasnt great but it got alot better fast. (looking back, my biggest mistake. this is was caused me to think it was extra special and if i had the chance to do it all again i never would have) i went away on holiday for 2 weeks. i came back and found out she was living on her own. during my holiday our exam results were out, she got an combination of As,Bs and Cs, her mother said it wasnt good enough and she had to start paying rent to stay. with no job she left home and started waitressing. i failed completely.
she told me, during one of our break ups, she had problems at home, she wasnt carrying on with school after AS year, and had applyed for a job as a nanny abroad. the papers came and due to bad timing again, because we had the bad break up she sent off the contract. she was leaving in december. i was destrought. i didnt know what to do. i was confused and hurt. i broke up with her, knowing there was no point anymore. very soon after, i still came back. i gave in to my feelings, knowing she was still around was too much, i had to be near her.
we went through a period where everything got a much and we were questioning what were doing. each of us would desperately try to change the others mind. we lasted it out. alot of it was around her leaving. i couldnt ask her to stay, it would have increased the responsabilities of the relationship ten fold and made some many expectations and pressure.
meanwhile, i had no idea how i was going to tell my mum and dad the news of such bad results. i kept it to my slef for a while hoping i could do retakes and carry on with the A2 course. but by the time september rolled by i had to think about universites and it was becoming more then i could handle. i told my parents. we worked out the best thing to do was to retake the year. no way was i going to do that at my same school, i just couldnt have managed it. so i moved from my state school to a private one. i was away from everyone i knew and was starting afresh.
retaking classes that i found now, way too easyand worse, as i looked around the room i saw faces younger then me. that anoyed and irritaed me like mad. i couldnt beleive i had wasted so much time and let my self FAIL.
but she was still in my life. i couldnt let her go. again, another argument, she got drunk, and things happened with some guy where she worked. i found out from a girl who went to my old school. it was with her boyfriend. we talked about it and got over it.
i found out the most personal and deep things about her and her mother. she needed me more then ever. i responded, neglecting my self.
im at the new school and im not making any friends, keeping to my self, still not concentrating even though im paying shitloads for it. spending all my time with her till she left december 9th.
we talked and emailed everyday till she came back on the 22nd. by this time i was ill and hadnt left the house in over 2 weeks. i couldnt meet her straight away. i missed her during christmas but was hoping to be together for new years and before she left again on the 3rd. she lost her phone and we werent in contact properly, just through two short emails informing me she had lost her phone and that she would give me a number to where i could get hold of her. i was home alone this new years, trying to study for exams early january. i didnt do much.
I read a thread in a form of all places about things people wished they knew when they were younger. alot of it was relevent to me. i thought long and hard about our relationship. i emailed her a 3,000 word email yesterday about everything thats happened and why cant be together anymore. today i had to call her. i was doing nothing but looking at my phone and my inbox waiting for a response. she didnt give me a straight reply, maybe she was still taking it in too. she said she would email me when shes left and has time alone.
after a year of putting her before alot of things i realised that i just shouldnt have.
Cliff notes
* meet girl in school when 16.
* thought she was my the love of my life
* went through major drama, faded away from friends - lost many
* got crap grades because of her
* had to retake year and pay for school
* her mum threw her out of the house (she is crazy) and so left school
* she decided to get a job abroad, happend while we were broken up.
* was alone during new years, experianced her being away for a few weeks, shes going away again and wont be back till the summer.
* breaking up
EDIT: the WISDOM: dont have a relationship till your ready to settle down.
